To think I should stop working to support ND son?

[Sunshineandclouds11]

More of a ‘wwyd’ than an AIBU. And to see if anyone else has done the same for same reason.

Son is in reception. ASD & ADHD. I know they don’t like this term anymore but he is high functioning - not sure how else to describe. But needs help from OT and also school have highlighted SLT would be helpful to help understanding of language. And then mild ADHD. Though doesn’t feel mild when trying to manage it…

My 3 year old daughter is NT although frustratingly is copying her brother’s behaviour which is tough 😔

My husband and I work FT…he travels for work A LOT. I like my job but don’t love it and feel like my son would benefit from having me around given his challenges.

I suppose my issue is whenever I mention this to anyone they have the same aghast reaction, giving up my job, the money & pension etc etc. I know I shouldn’t care what others think but I just wish someone would say yes, I can understand why you would want to do that for your son/family instead of issuing warnings.

anyway, any words of wisdom appreciated. I feel so mixed up.

(so as not to drip feed, my husband is a high earner so money wouldn’t be an issue in totality, but obviously I wouldn’t be earning my own money if I give up work)

If you both earn well get a good nanny use a specialist recruitment company like SNAP

if you take it all on you still need breaks
Who willl give you that?
Your dh? Who?

Money on great nannies can go a long way to helping, they can take ds to his therapies and share the load

If you have a good job think carefully
You might need those extra $$ later and being able to pay for breaks or one to ones on holiday beyond what ss will provide can help for a more relaxed life
You still need your life
If you enjoy your work you can continue you do not have to give it up but you can use the joint income to buy the help you need

In your shoes I probably would - but would hold off making the decision for a bit longer as presumably you’re still in the early stages of reception and might be worth seeing how he settles long term. My DS has ASD and is in Year 1 and is unrecognisable from last year. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, I manage part time work only because I have a husband and extended family who are on hand in the week, and I work in a school so can be there for the holidays. A lot of parents of kids with SEN that I know have one parent at home or super part time to support.

I had already reduced to PT hours because of disabled DD when DS was diagnosed with 'high functioning ' asd. I then gave up paid work completely to be a SAH parent. DD got DLA and I was able to claim carers allowance which meant my stamp (NIC) was paid by the state. DH was also offered redundancy around the same time and chose to take it to look for another less stressful, more flexible job so he could help me out - DD had lots of emergency hospital admissions whilst for DS there were frequent 'meetings' at school or illegal exclusions incidents where I was called to collect him from school.

FF a number of years later my one regret is that I didn't invest into a pension from DHs salary for the years I wasn't working as I am now approaching retirement age. But I don't regret the years I spent being there for both DCs. Sadly DD is no longer with us but DS has been away to Uni and is now working in a public service job. I think his outcome could have been very different if I hadn't been there for him. And holiday childcare is virtually non existent for SEN children in our area, so life would have been much more stressful than it was.

I've done this.

Following lockdown, it was clear that my ND child does much better at home than school. So we took the decision to home ed.
He's much happier and more confident as a result.

I think it's a very reasonable move, even if you plan to keep your child in school. You'll spare your child the extra pressure of wrap around care and be there to help him regulate/recover from the day at school.
When I think back now at the time I sent DS to after-school club, after a full day of school...I can't quite believe I put him through it.

Sorry for your loss @ohtowinthelottery.

Hi OP, we have a son who has multiple diagnoses/SEND.

I work part time, and we did home school for 18 months, which was great but involved DH and me doing 'shifts' so we could also work. DH stopped his lucrative but pressured and time consuming job in IT and became self employed to support with medical appts etc.

Things to consider:

Mental health - yours and your child's (if school is very stressful) - work can provide a bit of light relief/balance. Burn out for SEN parents is real. So you may find it is juggling too many things.

Time - you will spend untold hours trying to get help, reports, EHCP's etc I always say it's my other/unpaid job.

Money - if you go down the EHCP route you may well end up paying for private reports which can be costly. Make sure you have enough savings - 5k to 10k will cover you. The battles with the LA can go on into their teens (up to 25 if they are still in education).

If your child has needs much more than the average child their age you should apply for DLA. Skybadger and Cerebra have good guides. Doing the form will take around 4 full days. It's long and wants a ton of evidence.

I have often contemplated giving up work but it does have social benefits and we need the money so I can't.

Home Ed is often the path parents with SEN kids take when they realise that school isn't going to offer them what they need and or the child suffers mental burn out or rejects school. It isn't for everyone but some find it really works for the child/family.

Some families want their child to experience as much mainstream stuff as possible to prepare them for life beyond school - and they feel school (with adjustments appropriate to child) is key to that. There's no right/wrong. It's whatever works.

Good luck whatever you decide! The SEN board of Mumsnet is AMAZING for advice, so do hop in.