To think I should stop working to support ND son?

[Sunshineandclouds11]

More of a ‘wwyd’ than an AIBU. And to see if anyone else has done the same for same reason.

Son is in reception. ASD & ADHD. I know they don’t like this term anymore but he is high functioning - not sure how else to describe. But needs help from OT and also school have highlighted SLT would be helpful to help understanding of language. And then mild ADHD. Though doesn’t feel mild when trying to manage it…

My 3 year old daughter is NT although frustratingly is copying her brother’s behaviour which is tough 😔

My husband and I work FT…he travels for work A LOT. I like my job but don’t love it and feel like my son would benefit from having me around given his challenges.

I suppose my issue is whenever I mention this to anyone they have the same aghast reaction, giving up my job, the money & pension etc etc. I know I shouldn’t care what others think but I just wish someone would say yes, I can understand why you would want to do that for your son/family instead of issuing warnings.

anyway, any words of wisdom appreciated. I feel so mixed up.

(so as not to drip feed, my husband is a high earner so money wouldn’t be an issue in totality, but obviously I wouldn’t be earning my own money if I give up work)

This too. With two young children, one ND, a husband working away a lot would push me over the edge!

Sorry I saw the bit about PT not an option. I definitely took my foot off the peddle when DS was younger. Now he is 11, my career is picking up. Sometimes things need to just tick over and that is OK.

At reception level it's hard to predict how much input your son will need. It might be that with the additional support in place things will settle down. Not that it will be easy, but the day-to-day will become more routine. I have just been through the reception transition with my adhd-suspected dd and it has felt like a major crisis, I am utterly exhausted. But I am holding onto my job for now because I hope it won't feel so overwhelming forever. If I still feel like this at the end of the year, I will cut down. So perhaps give it a bit longer or look for a part time job in the short term and keep giving up work as a back up.

In what way is it you feel he would benefit from you not working that he isn't getting from the other people who have input in his day to day life?

Yes do remember about unpaid parental leave. You might be able to take a break and recharge. Your dh could also take a break. People always say they cant afgord it, but if you can afford to lose a whole salary for good, you can afford a break.

Also if your child is disabled you can take parental leave in days it foesnt have to be weeks. I took 1 day a week for ages when we were having a bad time, but it preseved my hours as it were.

@AnotherEmma the school holidays terrify me quite frankly 😂

the unpaid leave/breathing space is a good idea. Hadn’t thought of that but I vaguely remember seeing something about it in a staff handbook.

I did. I don't have a seconds regret being there for my DS and having enough time for me.

In my opinion from what i saw around me the ASD kids that had one parent at home did better than those who didn't. That isnt a popular opinion though.

I would however make sure you still as a family budgetting for paying into your pension at a equal rate as your DH. My pension is a mess but I was a single parent all the way through.

Tbh it did go wrong a bit and I have had to go back to work recently I was fortunate enough to be in a job that is in a shortage area so it has been surprisingly easy, although it's a job not a career. If I'm Frank I hate it and I know I'm now half arsing both jobs and not really getting enough time for myself; but I do see the value of going part time.

I hate to break it to you, but I doubt your DD is just copying. Get the assessment process going sooner rather than later.

I’m just about to increase my hours after being part time for 6 years to support my ND children. At the time there’s just no way I could have worked full time between health appointments, school meetings, therapy for the kids, it’s just too much juggling to manage at least until they were both more stable.

If there’s no part time option in your current job could you change employer? While working has been a challenge for me it’s also helped me not lose myself wholly to caring responsibilities which felt important. I’m now able to step back into my career a bit having kept things ticking over a bit. I still won’t be full time so have a bit of wiggle room but it feels like I’ve not totally crashed my career.

Well of course, there had to be one person to make the whole scenario the dreadful man's fault. LTB! 😂

Hi OP
I work in a specialist provision and although some parents do work full time obviously, I’ve lost count of the ones who have chosen to step back so that they can be there to support their children. Yes they are usually mums.

It is a relief to know they are about more for the child, and are not trying to juggle everything that comes with having a child with sen plus a full time job.

So yes people can and do give up work.

As far as pensions etc, I understand why people say this is an important factor, but it just wasn’t for me (not sen children, just wanted to be around more) It still isn’t and I’m 54 with a much smaller pension than I would have had, had I been full time. It’s not an issue, I made the decision to stop work/ work part time because I wanted to at the time and I’ve never regretted it.

Also the decision to give up work is always reversible. You may not return to your current role, but the option to work is always there should that make you feel better - thinking it is a temporary measure whilst your son needs you around (and by the sound of it you need a break?)

I have been having similar thoughts to you and although my children aren’t ND I can completely understand where you’re coming from. I work part time but often more like FT hours in a very stressful job and it’s just not working especially as my husband has a very senior demanding role - it’s like there’s not room for both of us to do this and deal with all the demands of a 4 and 2 year old. One of my children has real issues with food and the other a lot of medical appointments and it’s all just a lot in addition to their young age, school start etc.

I think the compromise I’m getting to is to take a career break, I’ve currently said for 4 months but could go up to a year if we can afford it. It feels like a good option as I don’t want to completely lose the career I’ve worked hard to build and all the reasons already given, but it will give me some headspace from it which I don’t have at the moment and want to spend the next period while my children are young being much more present for them and also addressing some challenges they are both facing which I will hopefully have more energy to do. I know I wouldn’t do well completely stepping out so this gives me more options then I can work out what I do want to do - even though I’m part time I think I need to take a step down or find a much easier role which probably won’t be so well paid!

it hasn’t been an easy decision to make and it’s hard to accept that my career has to take the hit, but it seems like the best solution right now. Good luck with whatever you decide x

People who do not have children with additional needs will not have any idea of the extra load, so I would advise you not to take into account their comments. If you can afford to, you should do it if it is what you think will help. You can always pay some of your partners excellent salary into a private pension for you. Also you can claim carers allowance to ensure your national insurance record is maintained for your state benefit pension.

Is he starting adhd medication? We found that very helpful.
No advice really. I went part time due to constant appointments for diagnosis, medical issues and school issues until all mine were statemented. I ended up on sick leave for 6 months twice as I burnt myself out. I now work part time and take the summer off unpaid as summer holiday provision failed twice.
Only thing I would say is work did help stay sane too giving me structure and routine when things got tough

Would a nanny be affordable?

They could do the appointments etc and take on the mental load.

Would your DH pay into a pension for you?

My late diagnosed daughter has always needed more support than her peers and this at the moment affects my work availability, though when she was younger she needed less input. Being open to the reality is a good thing, keeping yourself.some.level of work I've found useful for my own sense of usefulness/ feeling less isolated.

I can understand your desire to help your son but personally I wouldn't do it .

You leave yourself financially vulnerable if your husband can't / won't work the same high earning job or he's made redundant or the marriage breaks down .
Financial security is very important to me though and you maybe happy to take the risk

My son copes with some after school provision which is helpful, but I made the decision last year when he was in year 1 that I would commit to being part time until he hits secondary at least, or longer if needed. I’m a single mum and his needs were too much for me to balance full time with enough support, and he wasn’t coping with the level of childcare I was using.

I work 2 full days per week in a flexible professional work from home role. Plus I do some self employed work on top of that during school hours only on other days. I manage my self employed stuff so that I always have one day off per week to walk / gym / chill out / do paperwork etc. luckily I’m relatively well paid for this, but it sounds like your husband’s salary is pretty good.

I second pp suggestion that you should still be paying into a pension if you’re part time / not working. And I’d also suggest that you get/keep a cleaner even if you are at home more otherwise your time will disappear in cleaning up after everyone!

I'm a single parent so this might not be as relevant but I actually really pushed myself to retrain and better my earning potential when my dd was in school and teachers said that they felt she was autistic but possibly adhd too. The reason was that this age is actually relatively easy, her condition is actually getting harder to manage as she gets older. I can foresee that full on school refusal might be on the cards. Also she is already showing self harming type behaviours and I'm really worried about MH issues when she is a teen.
In short I think I will need to step back at some point, and I want to earn as much as I can to prepare for that. Also it's possible that she won't be able to live independently, or have a well paid job, not impossible but it's something I've thought about. I will need to be able to financially support us both in the future if this is the case.
Not trying to put you off OP, but sometimes things don't get better/ easier with time.

I am Lp of a Ds with Asd and ADHD..

I would say as he went through school and the demands of school increased - his needs increased as he didn’t cope ..

one sword of warning - the stats for relationship breakdowns in parents of ND children is ridiculously high.. so do look at self protection - putting money into a pension for yourself ..

The other thing I would say I do work p/t - it’s like my respite at times , others I feel like I have ptsd and need time to emotionally recover .

I think it is a very personal decision what you do .

one thing I have realised - lots of people really don’t get it ..

my Ds does that too us a phase I have heard a lot.. either it isn’t to the same extreme or your dc is 5 years younger .

some people are fortunate enough to never get it so do what’s right for you all as a family which includes you ..

remember the oxygen mask first - you have to take care of you

I had a long reply almost finished, but it was too long winded.

My eldest ASD child is 21 years old. They still need me a lot, far more than I see my friends' NT children needing them. We are a long way I think, from independent adulthood. I stopped paid work in their childhood and have managed the family's mental load. DH cares but is not capable of doing it. It has been best for my kids to have had me at home, for all the appointments and support.

You can't take care of your kids or the family as a whole, without taking care of yourself. Do what's right for you right now, you can't forsee what's going to happen in the years to come (whether you'll regret giving up your work, whether you'll divorce, whether you'll resent being financially dependent). The only thing I would encourage is to take any decision together with your husband - then you're both accountable and responsible for your family's future.

OP if your DS is at school all day, how is you going to be at home all day going to help him? Maybe go PT so you can drop him off and collect him each day is more understandable.

@caringcarer I agree, you'd be better off finding a more flexible job with school hours or term time. I imagine sitting waiting for the school to ring or not ring would be worse for me personally.

Depending on level of needs there will often be a lot of “behind the scenes” work that needs doing which can be done while at school. It can also provide a chance for some much needed rest time!

YANBU because it’s ultimately a decision you have to make; however, it I can play devils advocate with my own story.

I have a child who is ND and also some physical disabilities. I work in a demanding job which can require travel (but has a lot of flexibility) my husband also has a big job (but earns half what I do) but more office based (and now wfh a lot of the time). We both have continued to work it has been hell at times, and my career progression was hindered for a couple of years. and has put a strain on our marriage at times (I don’t think that was because we didn’t have a SAHP but just the realities of dealing with a child with additional needs and being frustrated that you can’t just fix everything), but ultimately I’m glad we chose this path. I think because I was the high earner we didn’t fall into the classic stereotype, “wife earns less, she can stay at home”.

My reasons are:

• I have not become the de facto parent for medical appointments/school etc, so the mental and emotional load is not all with me.
• I have a break from all the above at work (I am not “anxious mum”, but professional”
• I can afford assessments and additional support privately
• I can afford a great after school nanny who helps with my sons therapies and/or the other children (this means are other children are able to still do clubs etc and go to places which our other child could not cope with)
• My son needs to go to an SEN school. LA are refusing to fund. I can afford sols to take to appeal and actually fund the fees in the interim.

Be very careful about giving up work. Mumsnet is full of threads with women who are left in dire straits when their marriage breaks down and they gave up work (or the spouse loses their job/gets ill/dies). It’s hard to get back into work after a long period, will be even harder if you have a disabled child and need flexible working (because that will be you, if your DH has not thought he needs to find a job with less travel he won’t post divorce).

As others have said has your DH thought about trying to find a job which would be based more locally? Could you go part-time: You are presenting your situation as a binary choice when there are likely other options. It seems to be the default option re children - wife earns less she gives up work.

MY DSis also has a child with the same condition (geneticall element). Her child is more severe. Her husband was the high earner, but he could move into a role which was wfh and lots of flexibility, but did mean a pay drop, my sister couldn’t. So he moved, they were worse off initially but they both have now progressed in their careers. Again she’s glad she kept working and has something outside the home.