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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should stop working to support ND son?

81 replies

Sunshineandclouds11 · 22/10/2023 16:27

More of a ‘wwyd’ than an AIBU. And to see if anyone else has done the same for same reason.

Son is in reception. ASD & ADHD. I know they don’t like this term anymore but he is high functioning - not sure how else to describe. But needs help from OT and also school have highlighted SLT would be helpful to help understanding of language. And then mild ADHD. Though doesn’t feel mild when trying to manage it…

My 3 year old daughter is NT although frustratingly is copying her brother’s behaviour which is tough 😔

My husband and I work FT…he travels for work A LOT. I like my job but don’t love it and feel like my son would benefit from having me around given his challenges.

I suppose my issue is whenever I mention this to anyone they have the same aghast reaction, giving up my job, the money & pension etc etc. I know I shouldn’t care what others think but I just wish someone would say yes, I can understand why you would want to do that for your son/family instead of issuing warnings.

anyway, any words of wisdom appreciated. I feel so mixed up.

(so as not to drip feed, my husband is a high earner so money wouldn’t be an issue in totality, but obviously I wouldn’t be earning my own money if I give up work)

OP posts:
Icedlatteplease · 22/10/2023 18:06

caringcarer · 22/10/2023 18:01

OP if your DS is at school all day, how is you going to be at home all day going to help him? Maybe go PT so you can drop him off and collect him each day is more understandable.

Very rarely do kids with ASD and/or ADHD end up consistently in school. Holiday clubs are often inaccessible and those that are accessible are often inadvisable.

Being home while they are at school gives you a chance to have you time and maintain your fitness and wellbeing

SalGoodwoman · 22/10/2023 18:09

OP if your DS is at school all day, how is you going to be at home all day going to help him?

Um, I use that time to recover and prepare myself for what's to come...

Thoughts I've encountered: does that make me useless, because I'm not in paid employment? Does it make me lazy, that I'm not constantly doing housework? Frankly, I've given up on other people's opinion a long time ago - they're not raising my kids and having to live my life.

zurala · 22/10/2023 18:13

Look at it this way, you are going to have to do all the stuff you do for him whether you are working or not, so once that's accounted for, what time to do you need for the other stuff in your life and for time for you? Is what's left enough time to work or not?

Personally, when I'm trying to balance my SEN kids with my life, I think of work as of less importance to me than my children and my self care. So I dropped a lot of my work and currently do 15 hours a week but am considering dropping that as well.

And that's with a DH who works from home and is able to be flexible and help out in the day.

I just can't look after my kids properly and work, unfortunately, and I'd rather put my children before work.

You may feel differently but that's how it is for me.

Phineyj · 22/10/2023 18:17

Hi OP, I have been where you are (although with a DH who is hands on and doesn't work long hours/away). I would keep your job as long as possible - reducing days or hours rather than stopping.

I have worked 0.6 (over 3 or 4 days) since DD was reception. The tax is quite advantageous given that I only have to pay basic rate (would be into higher rate if I was FT).

The reasons not to quit (apart from the "normal" ones like skills, pension, adult company, status within the home etc) are, sadly:

SEN is very tough on relationships. There are a lot of sad, stressed single mums out there in poverty who got ditched by the dad when the going got tough

Secondly, SEN is expensive! We've shelled out over 5 grand on assessments and therapy over the last 4 years. It's that or wait endlessly while your child gets damaged.

I'm on my second EHCP tribunal. If you're doing EHCP come over to my support thread. We get it.

Jellycats4life · 22/10/2023 18:20

I’m a SAHM of two autistic kids. If I wanted to drive myself into the ground physically and mentally I could maybe try to find some PT work, but the reality is I’m so perpetually burned out (I’m autistic myself) from everyday life, those hours when my kids are at school are the only respite I get. I also get chores and life admin done in that time. There’s really no way I could add paid work into the mix and also stay sane.

minipie · 22/10/2023 18:21

RandomMess · 22/10/2023 17:47

Would a nanny be affordable?

They could do the appointments etc and take on the mental load.

They really don’t take on the mental load.

Phineyj · 22/10/2023 18:22

I would add that SEN paperwork is no picnic. I must have spent hundreds of hours filling in forms and essentially doing the LA's job for them. But fortunately I am a teacher so have done a lot of that in school holidays

Comedycook · 22/10/2023 18:24

Full time work with two dc, one with sn and a husband who works away is really tough. Totally do what's right for you and your family...forget the judgment of others

cheezie · 22/10/2023 18:28

@Sunshineandclouds11 children benefit from having a loved one there to support them at the beginning and end of the school day. Doesn't matter if it is mum, dad, gran, or a very good nanny, but wraparound care is so often a poor substitute. Go with your gut. You can get another job that fits neatly around school. For example, you could become a part-time TA or a pastoral assistant. That way you will get free CPD that will help you with your own child, as well as others.

Starlightstarbright2 · 22/10/2023 18:29

CaroleSinger · 22/10/2023 17:38

In what way is it you feel he would benefit from you not working that he isn't getting from the other people who have input in his day to day life?

Well obviously - someone working F/T needs wrap around care which can easily break down - holidays ,

recovery time / attending appointments / shopping and cleaning whilst Dc is not home - food prep so time can be spent with Dc .

support groups for parents often run during the day ..

MissHavershamReturns · 22/10/2023 18:33

Very similar situation here. I’ve chosen to work part time but I have flexibility around what days I go in. I think it’s helped keep me sane honestly. I consulted my dm who is my rock and she said DO NOT stop working as she felt I would go under.

Disappeared · 22/10/2023 18:34

As a parent of a disabled child you’re in the “easy to work” years as your child is out the house most of the day. As he becomes older it becomes more difficult by 16 for a lot of parents it becomes unfeasible as “full time” education is only 15hr so they’re barely out the house enough to make a job work unless there’s a group of people involved in his care paid for or family

just something to bear in mind

Unithorn · 22/10/2023 18:35

I'd talk to work first and see if you can take a sabbatical or something, you could then trial and see how you find it. Personally i would only give up work if I completely trusted my partner to be fair with money and around the house ie them not expecting me to do everything just as they were the one in paid work. I'd also make sure I was happy to take the risk that I could be left with nothing, and that it might be hard to get back into work down the line (depends on your quals etc doesn't it). It sounds like DH working away a lot doesn't help at all, although he's the higher earner he still should be supporting his family in ways other than financial; personally I'd prefer my DH to earn less but be more present and stay in some form of work but the only people who matter in this are you and DH.

Croissantsandpistachio · 22/10/2023 18:36

Urgh @purplepandas am in exactly the same boat. All the paperwork, all the pushing, all the driving about to appointments- all me. Even when DP was a SAHP- all me. He would say he does a lot in other areas- laundry, house stuff, cleaning, cooking- and that is true, but he has no idea about the ASD & dyspraxia. It's the ultimate feminised labour. Just about to apply for an EHCP and DLA. He has literally no idea what either of those things are. Sometimes I worry what will happen if I get hit by a bus. My schedule is more flexible which is partly why it's ended up this way but there are other factors at play too.

Anyway, to the OP. The thing is, he will still have ASD when he's 11, when he's 16, when he's 21. He may need more or less help at that point, but it is likely he will need more help than his peers for a long time. I've done what a PP said- lean in while the going is reasonably good, anticipating some trouble in the teenage years. Divorce is higher in parents of kids with disabilities. Can you drop a day or work shorter days? Would that work? Keep your hand in, keep your profession contacts, keep having something for you that's not just parenting.

AnotherEmma · 22/10/2023 18:36

Fellatfirsthurdle · 22/10/2023 17:45

People who do not have children with additional needs will not have any idea of the extra load, so I would advise you not to take into account their comments. If you can afford to, you should do it if it is what you think will help. You can always pay some of your partners excellent salary into a private pension for you. Also you can claim carers allowance to ensure your national insurance record is maintained for your state benefit pension.

OP can only claim Carers Allowance if her child gets DLA.

cansu · 22/10/2023 18:38

I can understand doing this. I have two with asd. However I would pause to think about what happens if your relationship fails. There have been many posters on mumsbet who have given up work only to find their spouse checks out and they are then left to fend for themselves with no work history for many years.

FannyBawz · 22/10/2023 18:39

I did this and no regrets. Jacked in work when my son ASD & ADHD started school because he was and still is completely exhausted after a school day. He’s at home at 4pm decompressing which keeps him stable. He’s now 11. Im hoping to work again once he’s a bit older.

Bornonsunday · 22/10/2023 18:42

I gave up a highly paid job in a very similar situation. It was definitely the best thing for our family, my mental health and our kids long term. I have now returned to the workplace as they are teenagers and it's actually surprised me how easy it was to get back. There are shortages in lots if industries and good staff are hard to find. I think you have to do what's right for you and ignore what others think. There are always plenty of judgements when you have kids, and even more so with special needs.

Willyoujustbequiet · 22/10/2023 18:48

This was me but with more than one child with complex needs, no family and my ex walked out as he couldn't cope.

It's all well and good people saying go part time but if there are care needs during the night too its physically not possible. I tried. It half killed me.

You can't pour from an empty cup.

DsTTy · 22/10/2023 18:49

Quit. I have a 4 year old autistic daughter who has ADHD. She’s the perfect child at school but is a whirlwind at home. I’m doing a bit of self-employed work to keep my mind and cv going but everyone at home is so much happier now I work minimal hours. I receive careers allowance for looking after my daughter so I do view it as paid work.

You say your daughter’s NT but how do you know? My parents always thought my sister was NT as she has always been a chatter box but the first time she saw a specialist (at 40yo) she was immediately diagnosed as an autistic individual with ADHD.

dressedforcomfort · 22/10/2023 18:59

Echo what others say about working part-time if you can. My DS has ASD and is newly diagnosed ADHD. I work three days a week (wfh 2 days and office 1 day.) I love my office day - get to not think about ASD for 9 hours and talk to grown ups about other stuff. Has saved my marbles sanity-wise.
(However, this only works if you are happy in your job, as I am, and work is not another source of stress.)

CWigtownshire · 22/10/2023 19:06

I gave up work to look after my 2 children full time and have never regretted it. I may not have had as much money but you can never get their childhood back, it is worth more than any salary ever could be! My youngest was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 4 and I felt he just needed that bit extra support and time that I could give him.

MuddlingMackem · 22/10/2023 19:14

Something to bear in mind, is that if he is high functioning, some things which aren't on your radar at his current age can become an issue as they get older, and friendships become more nuanced, school work becomes more demanding, etc.

MuddlingMackem · 22/10/2023 19:17

Re: National Insurance contribution - as long as you are claiming child benefit for a child under 12 you will get a NI contribution, so if your DH is a high enough earner that you don't claim CB, get this changed, even though you will have to pay it back via a Tax Return for your DH.

minipie · 22/10/2023 19:20

so if your DH is a high enough earner that you don't claim CB, get this changed, even though you will have to pay it back via a Tax Return for your DH

There is a box on the CB form you can tick that says (I paraphrase) “I want to claim CB for NI purposes but please don’t pay it to me as we’d only have to pay it back”. Much simpler. But yes you do need to do the form to keep your basic NI going.