Adult Child address

[Boobsallgone21]

My adult child has left partner moved out of their home amicably and moved in with a friend. I asked for address just to know and has given me an area. Said I wasn’t going to turn up. AIBU ? Our relationship is at a distance- their choice. Split was a shock to everyone else and no particular reason told. I walk on eggshells with every conversation and all I want to do is support and love.

THIS!!!!

I'm genuinely shocked that people can't wrap their noggins around a scenario in which a person's parents are toxic beyond all reason?
People get that there are parents out their who mentally and physically abuse their kids right??
Even at the less extreme end, you have people who are just overall bullies.
That prick who bullied you ruthlessly in school and never grew out of it? He or she is now a parent raising their own child. You don't think that's going to have an effect on a person? A short temper, the shouting, the "smack" when it gets too much for them?
Just because you see happy families on social media, doesn't mean that dad isn't dragging that child down the stairs by their ankles to smack them behind the scenes..

And people then expect adult children to want to share their addresses. It's laughable honestly :S

I should do, because mine were vile. But to actually hide your address is only appropriate if a) they are abusive to the point of being an actual risk or b) you're in witness protection.

In other words, if your parents are that bad, why would you be in contact with them at all?

She will have likely already told you in a hundred ways why you are being shut out.

You seem quite casual about your relationship between your daughter and yourself being distant.
I'd be very concerned if my daughter chose to be distant with me and I'd be doing whatever it took to make it better rather than trying to get the address of her friend which she already isn't comfortable giving out.

There are lots of reasons why you wouldn't want to give people your address that have nothing to with them being abusive or a risk to your safety.

It's not always easy to cut off contact with your parents. I really didn't think that would have to be pointed out, tbh.

Guilt, a myriad of variations of guilt.
From the child to the parents, because even though they're awful, they're still biologically your parent. I cry every fathers day. It's not a pleasant experience to have an irreparable relationship with your parents.
In my own example, he still gets birthday, Father's day and Christmas cards from me, but they're the plainest, most basic ones possible.

There's a bunch of reasons I could post that I imagine MNer's REALLY wouldn't like to read because they sound absolutely awful with 0 context of the intricacy's of what can go on behind the scenes, but they're real reasons people have given.

I'd recommend looking into NC (No Contact) Subreddits or something similar if you're interested in learning more.

I've been NC with my mother, when she was alive, for years. I'm also very LC with my father. I do absolutely understand what this entails, but if it's got to the point where you're still in contact but you feel the need to be shady with your address, you need a better therapist.

You're giving them too much credit.

They're not thick, it's just being a dick. I'm sure people can fathom why a child may not want to have contact with a parent - of course none of us know the intricacies of op and her dc.

Same people who whinge that everyone is no contact with family, oh Mumsnet is mad. As if this isn't reality for people, through no fault of their own.

I totally understand no contact/low contact we do have this in the extended family. I asked if I Aibu and it has turned into a strange thread of all sorts of possible scenarios. Every relationship is different and I truly believe some are best to be no contact. I know my boundaries and I don’t overstep with anyone. I know there are many things she does not want to share and that’s fine. I have told her we are here if she needs us for anything including moving back home. Also for information we have other adult children and we have good honest loving relationships. Being a parent is even harder when they are adults can’t we be kind to each other ?

@Boobsallgone21 - I'm afraid you'll always get the posters who need to apportion blame. No-one here can possibly tell what the real position is. But you will get people putting their own points of view. Sometimes the parents are at fault - sometimes it is the Adult children who have issues not related to their parenting

I'm glad you have good relations with your other adult children. I understand why you are sad/hurt and YANBU in that respect, and it isn't usual for someone to refuse to give their address when relationships are ok - but maybe your daughter just needs to work things through whatever is going on. I wondered, like another poster, that perhaps your daughter is now thinking she is gay/trans or something and needs time to sort through her thoughts, so didn't want you turning up unexpectedly?

OP, we don't know for sure if you're BU because you haven't given any details of why your DD is low contact with you.

I'm sure she has her reasons and you are not being transparent about that. So yes, if you still want her address despite her choice to be low contact, you are being unreasonable and not respecting the boundaries she has set for you.

Also, nobody has been unkind, they've simply stated that lots of adult children have good reason not to give their parents their addresses. I think your DD is one of them, based on the way you communicate on here.

You don't need to be asking a lot of strangers on the Internet to agree with you. You need to do some soul searching and be honest with yourself about why your DD is low contact. Therapy would help with that.

Depends on the relationship. My mother never knew my brother's address after the violent, alcoholic creep left home. If my father knew my address in later years it's only because my sister told him.

Just to update. She messaged me and am meeting her on Saturday 🙏🏻

That's great. Hope all goes well for both of you.