Adult Child address

[Boobsallgone21]

My adult child has left partner moved out of their home amicably and moved in with a friend. I asked for address just to know and has given me an area. Said I wasn’t going to turn up. AIBU ? Our relationship is at a distance- their choice. Split was a shock to everyone else and no particular reason told. I walk on eggshells with every conversation and all I want to do is support and love.

Well, there's obviously a reason for it, isn't there?

OP is allowed to be upset or confused but surely the adult's boundaries should be respected?

I can think of a lot of reasons - and so could many people here. Or have you not read any of the threads about less than perfect parents? Which planet are you from? Not this one, obviously.

It’s completely normal for parents to not get their adult child’s address if they’re not close! OP said her child has distanced themselves from OP. This is likely part of their boundary. You’re obviously getting one side of the story here.

Our parents have a PO box address for my brother. He said it was because there were issues with the postie being able to deliver to their apartment block.
In reality, he was going very low contact. I suspect the reality of your adult child's situation is around putting boundaries in place.

It sounds like your daughter has her reasons but doesn’t wish to share them. That’s fine. It sounds like your relationship with her was strained previously. She isn’t a child anymore.

also I don’t get the whole “why wouldn’t you share with your parent”. id rather poke needles in my eyes every morning than share anything with my parent

This

If you want to love and support her then, whatever reason, you have to respect her boundaries and not push it.

That sounds rough. It isn't unreasonable to have all sorts of emotions around this and the uncertainty of not knowing why. It could be as little as they don't want to give their friend's address cause they're hoping this isn't long term, it could be something none us could ever guess. Sadly, there is no way of knowing unless you're told why -- and I wouldn't ask. While understandable, any pressure there like the 'I'm not going to turn up' comment is unlikely to help. Bonbon21's advice is great.

I would hate to live in a world where my adult children (who I have a good relationship with, as the OP seems to have with hers,) refuse to give me their new address

I would hate that too. I think many parents would.

My parents don't have my address. Or my phone number. They have an email. My mother changed her email sometime after the birth of my youngest - who is now in secondary.

That may not be something anyone you know has experienced, but it's very much part of the real world and something that is far more common than is often discussed. There is a lot of stigma for parents as seen in this thread where it's commonly presumed to be something they've done wrong to the child and there is a lot of stigma for adult children where it's assume they've something to ashamed of that they're hiding from their parents or scared to tell their parents. There could be many other reasons, people and relationships can be very complicated, and it's very, very, normal for there to be times where the ideal open communication breaks down - sometimes they get repaired, sometime they don't.

@Theunamedcat
Have you ever had an emergency when you were unable to reach your child and your only choice was to drive or fly over?

Most of us live in situations of 24/7 phone access to every one. The issue is usually not enough access , but instead over access and availability.

A child wanting a bit of distance as they work through relationship issues is hardly the end of the world. If you can actually remember being young and wanting some occasional space as you navigated some personal issues not sharing address might not be so hard to understand. In most instances , your children will always reach out to you if and when they are in need of advice, support , or resources. The door is not locked only temporarily closed.

Perhaps she's gone somewhere that she's wanting to keep more confidential

• a refuge?
• a rehab centre?
• sofa surfing?
• a religious retreat?

Maybe she just needs a little space to get her head together and feels if she told you where she was living she would feel psychological pressure

I am so glad real life and Mumsnet are worlds apart! A world built on Mumsnet norms would be so awful....

Their seems to be a real lack of understanding on MN around why a child would want to limit contact with their parents.

Some posters on here seem totally oblivious to the fact that not all parents are good parents, and that sometimes adult children feel the need to put boundaries in place to protect their own sanity.

Exactly
There are many mums out there who don't having their adult children's addresses/ phone numbers etc......for all of the above.
It's sad but it is what it is.
You have to let go
Once they are 18 they can do what they want.
The job has a parent is over.
You have to let go of the control you once had.
You can advise if asked, otherwise you have to respect their life and their choices.

@MeadowCS
Exactly
Some dm can have very little self awareness
'I just don't know what I've done '
(Having turned up at her daughters place of work in tears because her daughter went low contact)
It does happen and verges on stalking.

All you can do is thank DC for letting you know the situation and tell them you will always be there for them if they either need to talk to someone with a sympathetic ear or need somewhere to sleep. Just let them know you still care without any judgement or questions asked.

My SIL has left her husband and 2 children(8 and 5), after they all moved to the north if Scotland 4 years ago, and has not given any of us her new address. It's over 2 years now since she left. We know she lives somewhere near Inverness, near enough that she will go and take the children out for an afternoon. She never goes in the house, just to the door and never takes them to where she lives. She doesn't see them more than about once a month. Her solicitor has an address for her-if there was an emergency could use it. She keeps in occasional contact with DH by mobile and even less contact with her parents. No one else that we know of.
We have no idea what it is about- we speculated at the start but no one knows. There was no big fall-out, no big walk-out. She announced she could not stay together and did not want to take the children. It is bizarre. She does not want to talk about it and will end any conversation if it is mentioned. No rows or shouting, just ends the call. BIL, who is lovely, has given up. They are divorced. He bought her out of the house. I think he still thinks at some point she will return but I don't.
PIL are very upset but what can you do?
DH and I (and DC) were on holiday up by the Summer Isles in Coigach last year, for 3 weeks. He invited her to stay for a few days or offered to meet her anywhere she chose (just him). She just replied 'No thank you.'

I don't think people are reading any of the posts, from the daughters with the odd behaving mums.
News flash :
There are mums out there that are so toxic or even just a bit batty that their poor daughters having to go low contact / no contact due to having their boundaries so completely trampled on.
So bad that these poor daughters become quiet ill / mentally drained.
Without exception the mums are completely oblivious to any wrong doing.
I wonder if the doubters on here are of the latter...

Have you considered whether DV has been a factor with their ex? It might not be all about you…

Also, as @TammyJones says, some people are utterly oblivious to their impact on their children. What they term “love and support” is actually “control and casual cruelty”. There are reasons that many on here are NC with their family. Myself included.

It really isn't normal. Even families who 'aren't close' commonly send each other Christmas and birthday cards. Refusal to give an address to your parents implies that something else is going on.

Temporary living arrangement maybe? When I've moved out away from exes I wouldn't bother communicating an address until it was definitely long term.

I don't see why it's a hard one for people to get their heads around tbh.

My dad is/was an alcoholic, narcissistic, violent man who manipulated any and every scenario possible. He twisted me into hating my mother when they were divorcing, lied to me repeatedly, belittled me, hit me, made me feel worse than shit on somebody's shoe and then on top of all that, found a new Mrs, moved in with her forcing me to find somewhere to live within 2 weeks, and having a hissy fit when I wasn't in the mood to say goodbye to the prick after he'd made me cry THREE SEPERATE TIMES and shouting at me on the fucking moving day, IN FRONT on the moving men that were helping me and my new landlords who I was giving some of my furniture too that wouldn't have been able to go into my new room.
All of that's not even scratching the surface of what my actual childhood was like with him.

My dad to this day doesn't have my address and never will. I can't imagine I'll be telling him when I finally get pregnant either. I want my children NOWHERE near that man.

So no, it isn't odd for an adult child to not want a parent to have their address. And it certainly isn't "suspicious" in relation to the child. I'd be suspicious of the parent in question more than anything... People don't do this for no reason.

Not all parents are good parents, I'm glad that you haven't had to experience that to be able to day it's "odd" and "suspicious", but not everyone is as fortunate

Just what I was thinking. Imagine wanting your own child's address. How bizarre!

sarcastic face

Shit parents exist, it’s weird that posters here are too thick to realise someone wouldn’t want to share their address with a bad parent.

You do realise that not all parents are nice people, yes?

Please all you doubters read
@SpicyMoth post.
@SpicyMoth
And all the others who have suffered from bad / dysfunctional parents.