Adult Child address

[Boobsallgone21]

My adult child has left partner moved out of their home amicably and moved in with a friend. I asked for address just to know and has given me an area. Said I wasn’t going to turn up. AIBU ? Our relationship is at a distance- their choice. Split was a shock to everyone else and no particular reason told. I walk on eggshells with every conversation and all I want to do is support and love.

Why do you need their address though?

I'd want mine so I could send them things - birthday/Christmas or odd card etc but I'd respect them not wanting to give it - and keep contact to phone/text etc.

OP has already said they have a distant relationship so it's likely her adult child isn't bothered about any of those things.

If you had a normal mother-daughter relationship then it would be normal to have each other’s addresses.

But the daughter is low contact with OP and wants to put her boundaries in place.

It’s also not her home address, it’s just a friends home who may not want her giving out her address.
So perhaps she’ll choose to give out her actual address when she has one.

Not wanting a Christmas card from OP
Not expecting any Christmas or birthday gifts from OP

If you have an e-mail address for them you can send gift cards and on-line cards etc for those things if they are important to either party.

I also wonder if the daughter has discovered an alternate sexuality (hence becoming more distant recently) and doesn't quite know how to bring up the subject with her mum. She's living with a new partner, has ended her relationship for this person and isn't sure that her parents are going to accept this, for whatever reason.
So she's gathering her thoughts. I think, OP, she'll come to you sooner rather than later, once she's got her head together and worked out how to introduce her new 'friend'.

Unless you're purposely estranged and/or there's history of unacceptable behaviour (e.g turning up unannounced and behaving in an antisocial way; physical violence; emotional abuse etc.) then it's odd to not want your parent(s) to have your address.

Of course, they don't HAVE to give you their address... But it is unusual on one hand to be communicating with you but on the other hand not telling you where they've moved to.

Even for the years when I barely spoke to my own father (for many complicated reasons) I had no issues with him having my address because he wasn't a bad person and I had no worries he'd do anything nefarious with that information. I also had nothing to hide about my living arrangements, my lifestyle or my wellbeing.

Your child seems to be going through some big changes in their life - and that can have a big strain on a person. In your shoes, I'd be concerned about their overall wellbeing right now given those changes and now this refusal to give you their address. It just seems a little worrying.

@Boobsallgone21
OP , if you a good relationship with your daughter and given how accessible cell phones make everyone, I would not sweat the physical address thing at the moment.

I would give her time to let whatever dynamics are driving this decision play down.

I agree not having your child's address is fairly atypical; it is by no means a life altering situation. Sometimes, you just have to pick your battles, and this just is not one worth falling out over.

Apart from sending a Xmas card or gift of some kind , when do you usually need to know or use their address. If you needed to get to them in an emergency situation , surely they or the person notifying you would provide an address.

Totally agree @Hiphopopotamonster. Only on Mumsnet is it considered normal not to know where your adult child lives.

I read things on here about your actual children and how most of you (in my opinion obviously) helicopter parent them, worry if it's OK to let them out of your sight for 10 seconds, worry about every single aspect of their lives and then ... BOOM! They reach legal adulthood and you don't need to know where they live.

This is weird.

@AlexaCanYouHearMe

You didn't read the thread did you? Op does not have a close relationship with her child. Hence why the child does not want to hand out the address!

Even if op has done nothing wrong, they are not 'close' nor do they have a 'good relationship'. Kinda speaks for itself really.

Oh god this thread is so full of boundary shit!!!! In real life when something happens with someone you love you go see if they’re okay!!! If op came on saying they were giving their child space people would say ‘but what if she’s in trouble?’ I hate to use the ‘mn is ridiculous sometimes’ but my god!!!!

Yes, @Mari9999 - let's look at that emergency situation.

Your adult child is in hospital and someone gets hold of you and you turn up at the hospital. Your child is out of it and the staff attempt to get demograpics about their patient from you. They ask your child's address. You say 'I don't know'.

I've been there. It's not good and really shows things up for what they are.

If your DD wants low contact, you have to respect that. Repeatedly texting her, asking about the breakup and asking for information such as her address will not make you closer.

I suspect there's a lot more to the story. Maybe you're not aware of the reasons DD doesn't want you to be as involved in her life, or maybe you know and you disagree, or maybe you'll never understand. Maybe she's still figuring it out. But she definitely does have reasons. Nobody cuts contact with a parent unless they feel it's the best way forward. You don't have to know her reasons or agree with them, but you do have to respect that.

Simply knowing her address doesn't mean you are close to her.

If you want to work on the relationship, I would suggest getting some counselling and working on yourself first, and maybe that can help you unpick behaviour patterns and any events from the past that might have had a negative impact on your relationship with her.

And if you concentrate on the thread, you'll see it wasn't the OP's question I was answering.

I agree not having your child's address is fairly atypical; it is by no means a life altering situation. Sometimes, you just have to pick your battles, and this just is not one worth falling out over.

This really - I'd be upset not being given it and really upset if other family members were and not me- but I'd have to respect it and hope at some point I'd be allowed it.

( I mean I could pay for private investigators or do own sleuthing which seems excessive and I'd have knowledge I then couldn't use without almighty row and potentially a huge fall out) .

My adult child is the same all I know is the area. It doesn't concern me in the slightest as I'm never going to pop in.
We keep in touch and he pops round mine every so often. Really isn't a big deal.

@Rightsraptor
Do you really care what some intake clerk thinks of you when you are worrying about your child in an emergency situation?

It is highly likely that your adult child would have some identifying information on their person. Clearly, there was enough information such that someone was able to reach out and notify you.

Agree.

My mum doesn’t have my address, doesn’t even know what county I live in. Thank god. She’s too far away to turn up, but does have a history of sending crazy things in the post (think, for example, a box of my grandmother’s much treasured china and glassware all smashed up). We are no contact now and I don’t want to hear from her, see her, receive any crazy stuff she sends.

If your child wanted your support through a tough time, they’d reach out. It sounds like they don’t. The kindest and most mature response is to respect that and give them space. If there are children involved, be there to support your grandchildren, if their parents are happy with that.

OP , if you a good relationship with your daughter and given how accessible cell phones make everyone, I would not sweat the physical address thing at the moment.

But they don't have a good relationship - that's the point. OP says the relationship is distant and that her daughter has reduced contact with her recently. Lots of people seem to be missing that bit.

OP I'm not saying that this applies to your situation, but to explain to people who find it literally unbelievable that an adult child wouldn't want a parent to have their address.

My abusive dad played the "poor wee me, my nasty daughter won't give me her address, I love her so much. She's probably mentally ill 😢😢😢" card so many times that he obviously believed it himself. He was very convincing.

After I'd moved house, he tracked me down that particular time by going to the village where my (ND) brother had let slip I was living, and asking in every shop if anyone knew me and where I lived. Eventually the woman in the library fell for his boohoo act and gave him my address. He started stalking me then. The police did nothing because unless he was parked illegally apparently there was nothing they could do! This was a long time ago of course, I'd like to think things would be different now (and the librarian would probably get sacked for that!)

We then moved house again, everyone had it drummed into them not to tell him even the area. All went well until my FIL phoned me one day, all excited, and said "I said I'd keep it a secret but I can't, I've got really good news for you. Your dad phoned, wanting your address because he's cashed in an insurance policy and wants to send you a cheque for £5000! Isn't that brilliant?" And then there was a silence and he said in a small voice "oh, I didn't do the wrong thing did I?" FFS! And so it started again.

I was older and braver by then though so I soon put a stop to it. Needless to say there was no cheque for £5k!!

When I was going through marital breakdown I did not tell my parents maybe for a year, as I was embarrassed and felt like I had let them down, and didn´t want them to worry about me.

I'd give them my address once I have settled down somewhere properly. Going through this you may be having a different address every couple of months while you settle and again, you don't want your parents to worry.

Maybe people that have a close and open parental relationship do it differently.

100% this.

Sorry but it's plain odd not to know family addresses, there's a back story here!

It's fine that your child doesn't want to give you their address?

Thinking about it I don't think I do have my adult dds "address" I know exactly where she lives but off the top of my head I can't remember her house number

That's bad isn't it 😕