Adult Child address

[Boobsallgone21]

My adult child has left partner moved out of their home amicably and moved in with a friend. I asked for address just to know and has given me an area. Said I wasn’t going to turn up. AIBU ? Our relationship is at a distance- their choice. Split was a shock to everyone else and no particular reason told. I walk on eggshells with every conversation and all I want to do is support and love.

But the OP has already admitted that they have a "distant" relationship with their child at the child's request so hardly the same as a regular relationship where they would be closer.

Also the fact the OP even says I asked for address just to know and has given me an area. Said I wasn’t going to turn up. suggests that they have in the past just turned up when their child don't want them to, or why else explicitly clarify that they want the address but won't just turn up? For most people that would be a given ...

And finally, they have moved into someone else's property, maybe they don't want to give out someone else's address without express permission? If a friend moved in with me and then immediately gave the parent they have gone low contact with my address I would be annoyed that I could potentially come home to said parent on my doorstep one day.

By not giving out their address, a person can avoid having an unwelcome visitor try to "doorstep" them. Not saying that's necessarily the case here, but it would make sense, especially if the individual prefers to maintain some privacy.

WTAF? If a parent who has an amicable relationship with their adult child visits without warning, they are trying to 'doorstep them!' And 'harass them!?!

This thread is batshit. So many utterly bonkers batshit responses on here. I am glad I don't live in the same world as some of the posters on this thread.

I would hate to live in a world where my adult children (who I have a good relationship with, as the OP seems to have with hers,) refuse to give me their new address. Fucking hell.

I didn't give my mother my address because she said I should go back to my husband (who had hit our child and I had called the police)

I didn't want him turning up and upsetting our child and I knew full well she was phoning and talking to him and telling him everything.

But they did mention a "distant relationship" which is probably what someone on the receiving end of going "Low Contact" would see their relationship as ...

The OP never said she had a bad relationship with her (adult) child. Try reading her posts again.

That's not a BAD relationship though!

That’s the thing I didn’t think we had a bad relationship and she said we don’t. I have asked her if she’s happy and safe. She has said yes but it’s difficult as her life is changing. I’ve said if there is anyone else I hope you are happy and I truly do. I don’t want her to think we won’t accept anything she chooses.

You're welcome @Boobsallgone21

Personally, I would hide this thread now if I were you. It's gone off the rails. Some weird and batshit responses on here. I hope everything all works out. I'm out. Take care xxx

I've read her posts

Not all parents are aware of how their children feel. OP's daughter clearly has good reason not to give out her new address. That should be respected.

Maybe the fact that OP has come on here asking about it is one of the reasons her daughter hasn't told her - it comes across as very lacking in boundaries.

But neither I nor @MrsPinkSky said they had a bad relationship either.

They just suggested Low/No contact and a difficult relationship were all possibilities for the OPs child not wanting to give their address which you said the OP didn't mention.

I was merely pointing out that the OP has explicitly said they have a distant relationship and the OP feels they "walk on eggshells" round their DC - that is not the signs of a healthy and close relationship and so it's not wrong to suggest that perhaps their DC might have a different view of their relationship to the OP

Sorry OP that sounds tough. Maybe she has more going on than you fully realise, which isn’t about you necessarily but affects her relationships. I suppose all you can do is continue to tell her you’re there for her.

@AlexaCanYouHearMe thank you I appreciate your support xxx

Text her once a week with chatty news but dont ask questions.
She will appreciate the contact if it is not intrusive while she settles into her changed circumstances.
When she is ready she will let you know.
There are many reasons she might not want you to see her. Fear of her address being passed on, even accidently, is one of them. You dont know the whole story of why/how her relationship broke down.
Just keep it light.

Thank you good advice. Just fyi I have never just turned up on her doorstep for people who have suggested I might ! X

If you're relationship is already at a distance then this should not come as a surprise. Just leave them to it and let them know you're there if they need you.

h
He or she is an adult so will have to make decisions and live with the consequences.

Hmm I lean if they don’t want you to have their address there is a reason?

I wouldn’t give my mother my address when I moved. She once just walked into a place I was living in with a friend and started going through my things, (I was in my 20s - not a child) accusing me of stealing a top from her (she later found it in her own home, but didn’t apologise), among other crazy things in the past.

However when I wouldn’t give her my address she acted to everyone else like it was so odd I wouldn’t want her to know where I live and I must have something awful to hide.

So yeah, there’s probably a reason and if you don’t need it then I’d leave it be.

Why would you need her address though?

You say you’re not close and so she’s just trying to put boundaries in place.

It may be that she is worried her ex will find out or just that she wants her home separate from your relationship, until she works out her boundaries.

I do understand why you’d be a bit worried but I think as long as she knows you’re there for her, then that’s all you can do.

Have you posted about her before?
It seems familiar.

Would have been my first thought too I'm afraid. It's happened to me twice (needless to say I stay single now, as the second time involved our child). Hoping it isn't in your case!

Never posted about her before.

I agree. That's an absolute bonkeroo reply! Some people must live very strange lives!!

OP I suppose all you can do is try to re build the relationship by keeping communication light and perhaps arranging to meet for coffee etc? Perhaps in time you could be closer

I had this with my adult DD. In the end, when the letters were piling up and I threatened to send them back with address unknown on them, she gave me her address. I’ve no idea what the problem was.

Could she be gay? and the friend is a woman and a bit more than a friend?
Keep it light and she will tell; you when she is ready.
It is a bit odd but you are going to have to accept it for now.

Our relationship is at a distance- their choice. Split was a shock to everyone else and no particular reason told. I walk on eggshells with every conversation and all I want to do is support and love.

I'm sorry she doesn't want you to have her exact address - just a general area of where she is living. There could be all sorts of reasons why she doesn't want you to have her address. The fact that you have said the above, is indicative of a strained relationship, for whatever reason, even if she says the relationship is ok. I wonder what her take on this situation is?

You need to accept and respect her boundaries and just let her know that you are there for her, if she wants. Nothing more that you can do at the moment.

Not wanting a Christmas card from OP
Not expecting any Christmas or birthday gifts from OP

Lucky OP, save her a fortune.

Maybe the OP should change her address and put it on the top secret list for when this new relationships goes tits-up and the adult child wants somewhere to go!

Are things sufficiently cordial for you to be able to ask her out for lunch somewhere nice in the next few weeks? Might she feel more comfortable doing that?