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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'll let you know in the morning if I'm not too hungover

115 replies

lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 11:09

Agh

Dating someone who I'm very fond of and who I think is fond of me. From the beginning I have thought there were lifestyle incomptabilities that would mean a relationship would be unlikely to work. However, we like spending time together and have been happily doing so for around 6 months now.

Yesterday I asked if he'd like to spend tonight together. I've had an exhausting week so plan to be in relaxing anyway, would be nice if he joins, no issue if not.

He said he'd message me today and let me know if he's not too hungover. Obviously no message yet and I don't expect one for quite some time....

It's just beyond me that at this point in life (35 i think he is?) you'd go on a night out and not being able to stop yourself getting so wasted that you'd end up losing the entire next day and evening. Am i being too harsh? I like to go out, but the punishment of being ill the next day means I am very moderate in my drinking Grin Also, in this economy, the cost!

I know it's a pointless thread as I either need to decide it's not for me and end it, or accept it and not mull on it. But it's hard when you like someone and I feel I definitely can be too judgemental when dating.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2023 11:13

I couldn't be arsed waiting on someone's hangover to decide my day, no.

What other incompatibilities in lifestyles are there?

It's easy to get along for a few months, but if it's going anywhere is this the sort of lifestyle you'd be comfortable with?

Original poster
lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 11:18

category12 · 22/10/2023 11:13

I couldn't be arsed waiting on someone's hangover to decide my day, no.

What other incompatibilities in lifestyles are there?

It's easy to get along for a few months, but if it's going anywhere is this the sort of lifestyle you'd be comfortable with?

Totally. I'm a planner and f I was wanting to go out I would have immediately replied yesterday saying that we'd do another time and make plans with someone reliable.

I already plan to just be in tonight, and if he wants to join that'll be nice, if you see what I mean?

And yes, we've probably been getting along well because we see each other for limited amounts of time. He is an incredibly nice person but just (IMO) lives like he's a bit of a student - goes to bed/gets up very late, doesn't really cook, lives in a houseshare and the house isn't particularly clean or tidy.

OP posts:
Topsy44 · 22/10/2023 11:20

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of him to want to go out and have a good time but I would be annoyed if I was in a new relationship and he had said he couldn’t stay over because he was hungover. Unless it was a one off like a stag weekend or something but I think at 6 months you are generally at the stage where you can’t keep your hands off each other and want to see each other whatever!

Paininthederriere · 22/10/2023 11:20

Maybe the lifestyle incompatibilities are proving to be an issue after all OP. Their priorities sound different to yours & they aren’t making you feel like one by saying you might get their company but only if they’re not too incapacitated from their social life.

letmesailletmesail · 22/10/2023 11:22

From reading a lot of threads over the years, do not have children with this man! He is showing you what his priorities are and won't change just because you get married or have children.
Having said that, now is the time to tell him that you find this behaviour frustrating so that he has a chance to do something about it.

MrInbetween · 22/10/2023 11:23

Shared house, messy and hungover…..

It’s a no from me!

MrInbetween · 22/10/2023 11:24

letmesailletmesail · 22/10/2023 11:22

From reading a lot of threads over the years, do not have children with this man! He is showing you what his priorities are and won't change just because you get married or have children.
Having said that, now is the time to tell him that you find this behaviour frustrating so that he has a chance to do something about it.

This 👆

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 22/10/2023 11:31

35 is quite old to be leading a student/houseshare lifestyle. Does he have aspirations to anything more grown up and how does he plan to achieve it (other than finding some woman with her own home to take him on)?

category12 · 22/10/2023 11:44

lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 11:18

Totally. I'm a planner and f I was wanting to go out I would have immediately replied yesterday saying that we'd do another time and make plans with someone reliable.

I already plan to just be in tonight, and if he wants to join that'll be nice, if you see what I mean?

And yes, we've probably been getting along well because we see each other for limited amounts of time. He is an incredibly nice person but just (IMO) lives like he's a bit of a student - goes to bed/gets up very late, doesn't really cook, lives in a houseshare and the house isn't particularly clean or tidy.

Show quote history

Sounds like he's Mr Alright-for-now.

But in his mid-thirties, that lifestyle is not exactly giving "will make excellent father and husband" vibe. More like "will make excellent pet / teenage son substitute ".

Nicole1111 · 22/10/2023 11:46

On the surface I don’t think being a bit non committal about joining you for something you’d be doing with or without him is that bad. Reading your other comments though makes me question the potential longevity of the relationship. I think you need to ask yourself how compatible you would be if he were living with you and behaved the same way, didn’t cook etc? If it’s not something you’d be happy with I think you need to ask yourself what his capacity for change is likely to be given that at 35 his behaviours may be deeply entrenched.

Notfeelinghunkydory · 22/10/2023 11:49

You've been seeing him for 6 months and you THINK he's 35????

Frasers · 22/10/2023 11:50

I think the key issue here is he sounds not that bothered, not keen. I don’t think there is anything wrong with going out and getting a bit drunk with mates if it’s not done daily or every Friday/sat /sun.

a houseshare at 35 I’d want to understand, for example I know a phd student in a houseshare and don’t judge that.

but if I texted someone I was dating and got that response I’d assume they are quite disinterested and not really bothered either way

MagpiePi · 22/10/2023 11:51

It sounds like you are incompatible for a long term relationship.

Nothing wrong with being more laid back about life and housework, and wanting to let rip on a night out. Not everyone has to live to your standards.

At least he’s letting you know he’s not necessarily going to be available instead of agreeing to your plans and letting you down.

ActDottie · 22/10/2023 11:53

Yanbu but I’m biased because I stopped going out having heavy nights like this as soon as I finished uni.

Homebaby · 22/10/2023 11:54

Tonight is ok, you're in anyway and it won't affect your plans whether he comes over or not.
What about when you fancy planning something or having a day out? Is it/will it be the same scenario?
I've had a few relationships like this, you're either left waiting around not knowing what's happening which is hugely frustrating, or you arrange things with other people in which case what's the point of being in a relationship?
For the record those men I was with turned out to be selfish, entitled and in some cases abusive and used the lack of communication/planning as a form of control. Not saying this guy is like that but it may be worth taking a step back and looking at his behaviour as a whole. His lifestyle to me doesn't sound like it lends itself to a successful relationship tbh.
I'm now happily single and enjoying not waiting around for anyone!

Thebigblueballoon · 22/10/2023 11:55

Nothing wrong with having the occasional blow out on a night out, but I’d be pissed off that he considered his time to be more important than mine.
I’d also questioned the shared household and his plans for the future.

Original poster
lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 12:18

Notfeelinghunkydory · 22/10/2023 11:49

You've been seeing him for 6 months and you THINK he's 35????

This sounds terrible Grin I am not great with remembering people's ages and would probably say the same about most of my close friends, unless I know they were in the same school year as me!

I agree with everyone's comment though, it's all beginning to hit home that we're not compatible. I definitely would not consider having a child with him

OP posts:
Original poster
lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 12:22

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 22/10/2023 11:31

35 is quite old to be leading a student/houseshare lifestyle. Does he have aspirations to anything more grown up and how does he plan to achieve it (other than finding some woman with her own home to take him on)?

Edited

The only thing I will push back on a little is the comments about the house share (specifically living in one, not the condition it's in mind!). Life has changed a lot regarding this.

I'm a professional and on 45k. I'm just about finanically able to live on my own - the bills and the costs of getting out and doing things, having hobbied etc are extortinate. I have thought a lot about going back into a houseshare and might have to if costs continue spiralling upwards!

Also have no hope of getting onto the housing ladder on my own, but that's for another thread...

I totally agree though - there are adult grownup ways of living with other people and it doesn't feel like he's doing that.

OP posts:
AhBiscuits · 22/10/2023 12:22

He doesn't sound that into you tbh. 6 months into a relationship with someone I wanted a future with, then a hangover would not stop me going to theirs. It's not like you suggested an 8am hike, it's an evening of Netflix and chill. Plenty of time to shake off a hangover.

Original poster
lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 12:25

AhBiscuits · 22/10/2023 12:22

He doesn't sound that into you tbh. 6 months into a relationship with someone I wanted a future with, then a hangover would not stop me going to theirs. It's not like you suggested an 8am hike, it's an evening of Netflix and chill. Plenty of time to shake off a hangover.

This is completely how I feel @AhBiscuits

If i had someone I wanted to see the next evening, i'd just moderate my drinking a tad so i knew it wouldn't impact the entire next day and night!

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2023 13:04

Is he a stoner?

Original poster
lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 13:29

category12 · 22/10/2023 13:04

Is he a stoner?

Nope, just alcohol, which seems to have escalated recently.

When we met he'd generally do one drink then onto alcohol free beers.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2023 13:36

Or he was holding back from his normal not to put you off from the start.

Original poster
lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 13:40

category12 · 22/10/2023 13:36

Or he was holding back from his normal not to put you off from the start.

I don't think so, he's incredibly honest - almost problematically so - and he's made no effort to hide parts of his personality that would be undesireable to partners.

There are some things that were actively problematic in his last relationship which he's told me about too.

I think there's lots of issues here, and honestly I'm feeling quite down about it today, but I don't think he's deceptive.

OP posts:
gelatogina · 22/10/2023 13:45

I think you should stop wasting time on this one. He is showing you who he is, do you really want to spend the rest of your life waiting for someone to get out of bed and join you? Your house will be a mess unless you clean it, he is drinking heavily and prioritising nights out over you.
he will not change. I repeat once more HE WILL NOT CHANGE and in 2 years you’ll be posting how you have moved in and had a child with a man baby who drinks, does nothing to help with baby and does nothing around the house. Don’t do it! Get rid.