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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'll let you know in the morning if I'm not too hungover

115 replies

lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 11:09

Agh

Dating someone who I'm very fond of and who I think is fond of me. From the beginning I have thought there were lifestyle incomptabilities that would mean a relationship would be unlikely to work. However, we like spending time together and have been happily doing so for around 6 months now.

Yesterday I asked if he'd like to spend tonight together. I've had an exhausting week so plan to be in relaxing anyway, would be nice if he joins, no issue if not.

He said he'd message me today and let me know if he's not too hungover. Obviously no message yet and I don't expect one for quite some time....

It's just beyond me that at this point in life (35 i think he is?) you'd go on a night out and not being able to stop yourself getting so wasted that you'd end up losing the entire next day and evening. Am i being too harsh? I like to go out, but the punishment of being ill the next day means I am very moderate in my drinking Grin Also, in this economy, the cost!

I know it's a pointless thread as I either need to decide it's not for me and end it, or accept it and not mull on it. But it's hard when you like someone and I feel I definitely can be too judgemental when dating.

OP posts:
BalletBob · 22/10/2023 17:55

You're a professional, independent woman who is dating an eternal teenager who lives in a dirty house share and has you agreeing to stay available on the off-chance he's at a loose end tonight. Why are you settling? Obviously this guy just needs chucking back, but you also need to think about why you have tolerated this nonsense.

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 22/10/2023 18:04

The more I read, the more I think he's not in the wrong. He was already out and already could have drunk enough to know he would be hungover... and that's ok!

I think he is getting an unfair ride on his shared house too. op obviously has something similar to not be allowed overnight guests. Who is to say he would not also describe himself as a professional?

Olika · 22/10/2023 18:05

I don't think your relationship will last. It's better to walk away now.

sandyhappypeople · 22/10/2023 18:08

lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 13:40

I don't think so, he's incredibly honest - almost problematically so - and he's made no effort to hide parts of his personality that would be undesireable to partners.

There are some things that were actively problematic in his last relationship which he's told me about too.

I think there's lots of issues here, and honestly I'm feeling quite down about it today, but I don't think he's deceptive.

Show quote history

he's made no effort to hide parts of his personality that would be undesireable to partners.

While it’s good that’s he’s honest about who he is, he doesn’t hide it because he doesn’t see it as a problem, which also means he’d be unwilling to change/compromise his lifestyle for a partner.. so if there are things you aren’t happy with about him now, it’s not going to get any better!

Blinkityblonk · 22/10/2023 18:13

He has very little to lose in this situation, because his biological clock isn't ticking, so for him, living like a student is working out just fine.

I don't like people who drink a lot anyway, the odd night out, fine, but not beyond that because I can't drink (health) and so I wouldn't fit with someone who is drinking as their lifestyle/spare time thing to do. Odd bit of wine on weekend or odd night out with friends would be fine.

The thing that would annoy me is that he said he'd let you know in the morning, it's now the evening, it's all very casual and he doesn't sound that fussed.

That said, I don't think you should hinge any compatibility on your insomnia, that's irrelevant if you want a child. It'll just have to be two beds/bed/sofa for at least half the time, you won't find someone to go to bed at 10 o clock every night and babies/toddlers wake you up too.

He doesn't sound a great deal, and you've already decided you don't want a baby with him, so I think it's time to move on, fun but it's not going anywhere, unless you are under 25 in which case you do have a little more time to mess about, otherwise his perpetual studentness isn't really attractive.

RampantIvy · 22/10/2023 18:18

Ah, yes of course @Rewis. I didn't think of that.

billy1966 · 22/10/2023 18:23

OP, he's more committed to a night on the piss than seeing you.

You are 100% wasting your time.

I have never heard of a sole rental where overnight guests were an issue.

That sounds very restrictive.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/10/2023 18:31

People are criticising HIM for being in a houseshare but OP on her good wage lives somewhere where she can't have overnight guests! I don't understand this. Even as a lodger I could have guests if I let my landlady and housemate know in advance. I don't see what kind of apartment would not allow that.

Gwenhwyfar · 22/10/2023 18:37

"I have never heard of a sole rental where overnight guests were an issue."

Strange men in the house can be an issue when you're sharing and don't have a lock on your bedroom door. It seems that OP doesn't share, however, so I find that quite weird.

LadyBird1973 · 22/10/2023 18:38

I think that when someone is really into you, they want to see you more than they want to do anything else. So would choose not to get steaming drunk if that meant being too hungover to see you. That he's not actively going to moderate his drinking suggests to me that he's not that bothered about seeing you or not - for him it's nice if he goes but he don't be that upset if he doesn't.

Middleagedmeangirls · 22/10/2023 18:39

He's just not that into you..

if this was the real deal 6 months in would be the honeymoon phase when each of you would be grabbing every opportunity to spend time together

He is far from that. He is "Meh, I might squeeze you in if my hangover allows it"

He has absolutely and explicitly told you who he is and what you mean to him. Believe what he is telling you and move on.

Vitriolinsanity · 22/10/2023 18:40

I have no issue with the house share or even the hangover, especially if it was a special occasion night. I know plenty of perfectly nice men that are the same.

I was going to say what man turns down a night of nailed on sex, but then read he'd have to go home.

It does sound like you're fitting him out as a potential roomy yourself, and he's not into that for whatever reason.

In summary, square peg round hole.

pinkred · 22/10/2023 18:47

It does sound like you're fitting him out as a potential roomy yourself, and he's not into that for whatever reason.

Eh? where does OP imply she wants to move in with him?! @Vitriolinsanity

Canisaysomething · 22/10/2023 18:58

I just don’t understand the set up where you feel he’s giving you the cold shoulder yet you’ve told him you can’t have overnight guests when you live on your own. Who is even checking?! It doesn’t sound like you are compatible.

porridgeisbae · 22/10/2023 18:58

It does sound like you're fitting him out as a potential roomy yourself, and he's not into that for whatever reason.

Again.. eh?

@lightpineapple I think it's kind of good if you have a more formal home set up/no overnight guests. It'll expose the wasters for what they are more quickly, as it's less easy for them to come round just for sex, perhaps (I mean, I know it could still easily be done but he can't just call round after a night out like some blokes women mention on here try to.)

I'm Catholic so dates will not be allowed in, at least until I know them well and know we can keep out of trouble.

Mari9999 · 22/10/2023 19:00

@lightpineapple
OP, what are you looking for in this relationship ? If it is spending time with someone whose company you enjoy, this sounds like a relationship that fits the bill. If you are looking for a long-term relationship, the 2 of you may have more work to do.

If you recognize areas of incompatibility that may not bode well for long-term prospects. If you have been dating him regularly for 6 months and you have.not detected any excessive or unusual alcohol consumption, I would not think a one time hangover would be particularly off putting, and I don't drink at all.

It sounds as though you are ready to cut bait, and that is something only you can decide.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 22/10/2023 19:02

@lightpineapple Have a look at shared ownership (half rent, half mortgage)

Still though, at 35 he should have more solid foundations. Ones that had been in place since long before the cost of living crisis.

I'm 39 and I've had my own place 21 years. Yes it's been hard paying bills when my peers were all out having fun/at University but I got my qualifications later. What on earth has he been doing for the past 15-20 years?

Littlelucas · 22/10/2023 19:15

but just (IMO) lives like he's a bit of a student - goes to bed/gets up very late, doesn't really cook, lives in a houseshare and the house isn't particularly clean or tidy.

At 35? And he can’t be arsed making weekend plans with you as he may be hungover? If he’s acting like this at the start of a relationship I’m afraid he’s probably not that into you and also extremely slobbish and lazy.

Ugh, no - run OP!

Twonewcats · 22/10/2023 21:03

Littlelucas · 22/10/2023 19:15

but just (IMO) lives like he's a bit of a student - goes to bed/gets up very late, doesn't really cook, lives in a houseshare and the house isn't particularly clean or tidy.

At 35? And he can’t be arsed making weekend plans with you as he may be hungover? If he’s acting like this at the start of a relationship I’m afraid he’s probably not that into you and also extremely slobbish and lazy.

Ugh, no - run OP!

He had already made plans for one evening, and when op nonchalantly asked him over, he said he would if not too hungover. Nothing to say he cant be arsed. If i had a big night with friends planned, I wouldn't be adapting those plans to ensure i wouldn't be hungover for spending an evening watching TV then getting turfed out to go home at bedtime 🤷🏼‍♀️

porridgeisbae · 22/10/2023 21:16

He had already made plans for one evening, and when op nonchalantly asked him over, he said he would if not too hungover. Nothing to say he cant be arsed

Yes but what grown up says that to someone they're trying to impress?

Also it comes across as he routinely drinks enough to get hung over when he drinks.

And still hung over by the evening of the next day is quite extreme.

Twonewcats · 22/10/2023 22:08

porridgeisbae · 22/10/2023 21:16

He had already made plans for one evening, and when op nonchalantly asked him over, he said he would if not too hungover. Nothing to say he cant be arsed

Yes but what grown up says that to someone they're trying to impress?

Also it comes across as he routinely drinks enough to get hung over when he drinks.

And still hung over by the evening of the next day is quite extreme.

Edited

Doesn't say that it's routine or not.
If he already had this arranged, then he can be as hungover as he likes.
He can "impress" op any/every other night this week.

Everyone seems to keep glossing over the fact that they didn't have any firm plan, and if he's a bit fragile, why on earth would he want to go to hers then leave at midnight before he turns into a pumpkin??

Hankunamatata · 22/10/2023 22:11

I'm older but if I have a night out, I usually lose the next day as even small amount of drink gives me a hangover so I wouldn't judge a one off

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 00:32

if he's a bit fragile, why on earth would he want to go to hers then leave at midnight before he turns into a pumpkin??

Because he was interested in developing a relationship?

Twonewcats · 23/10/2023 07:51

porridgeisbae · 23/10/2023 00:32

if he's a bit fragile, why on earth would he want to go to hers then leave at midnight before he turns into a pumpkin??

Because he was interested in developing a relationship?

Op says a relationship is unlikely to work, and they enjoy spending time together. She's not the only priority in his life. If he doesn't do this every single weekend, he's allowed to have a night on the lash

CasaAmarela · 23/10/2023 07:53

Nah fuck that. I hate being left hanging and I think if someone really considers you a priority then they demonstrate that.

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