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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'll let you know in the morning if I'm not too hungover

115 replies

lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 11:09

Agh

Dating someone who I'm very fond of and who I think is fond of me. From the beginning I have thought there were lifestyle incomptabilities that would mean a relationship would be unlikely to work. However, we like spending time together and have been happily doing so for around 6 months now.

Yesterday I asked if he'd like to spend tonight together. I've had an exhausting week so plan to be in relaxing anyway, would be nice if he joins, no issue if not.

He said he'd message me today and let me know if he's not too hungover. Obviously no message yet and I don't expect one for quite some time....

It's just beyond me that at this point in life (35 i think he is?) you'd go on a night out and not being able to stop yourself getting so wasted that you'd end up losing the entire next day and evening. Am i being too harsh? I like to go out, but the punishment of being ill the next day means I am very moderate in my drinking Grin Also, in this economy, the cost!

I know it's a pointless thread as I either need to decide it's not for me and end it, or accept it and not mull on it. But it's hard when you like someone and I feel I definitely can be too judgemental when dating.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/10/2023 13:48

I didn't mean deceptive as such, but on his best behaviour? I mean, like we all do at the start of relationships, a bit, don't we?

But anyway, it's whether how he is now is someone you see yourself with, ongoing.

theduchessofspork · 22/10/2023 13:49

You aren’t compatible.

It’s an arse but you need to finish it up

fourelementary · 22/10/2023 13:49

Nope. At 25 perhaps this is fine. At 35? No. If someone I wanted to see asked me to spend time with them- I’d moderate my drinking to have a good night out AND a nice time with that person the next day.
You’re an afterthought- and you’re worth a lot more than that! Dump.

gelatogina · 22/10/2023 13:50

category12 · 22/10/2023 13:48

I didn't mean deceptive as such, but on his best behaviour? I mean, like we all do at the start of relationships, a bit, don't we?

But anyway, it's whether how he is now is someone you see yourself with, ongoing.

I agree with you, if he was having ‘one beer then moves onto alcohol free’ at the start and is now drinking heavily after six months now he knows he can get away with it, he was definitely being deceptive.

AgnesX · 22/10/2023 13:51

Cut your losses. He can't commit to a quiet Sunday evening then he's incapable of much more. And is taking you for granted.

maddening · 22/10/2023 13:56

I went out Friday after work and planned an easy Saturday as I would be drinking- as it is I enjoyed my day as I am relatively lucky to not suffer hangovers even when I deserve them due to the amount I drank. I am 45 and relatively responsible. ( I don't go out often though! So aim to have a good one when I do).

However if I got bad hangovers I would probably be more careful I guess as who wants to feel rotten!

TheSquareMile · 22/10/2023 14:09

Do you stay over at his sometimes?

Original poster
lightpineapple · 22/10/2023 14:20

TheSquareMile · 22/10/2023 14:09

Do you stay over at his sometimes?

We've never spent the night together! This has always been my choice, and everytime he does suggest I stay.

My rental situation means I cannot have overnight guests but if I did I'd be happy for him to stay, although not thrilled he'd be awake for ages later than me.

I have incredibly bad insomnia which is another reason I think we're incompatible. In my youth I lived with a bf who would just come to bed whenever and it wasn't a big deal at all, now I feel like I'd be driven mad by the lack of sleep.

OP posts:
roarrfeckingroar · 22/10/2023 14:28

No way would I date someone living in a house share at 35 - and I'm 35, based in London. Living with one friend I guess, maybe, but probably not.

Stopbloodybanging · 22/10/2023 14:30

He sounds too immature for a serious relationship with you. Fine behaviour if he were early 20s…… but mid 30s I’d be concerned that he’ll never grow up.

pinkred · 22/10/2023 14:35

roarrfeckingroar · 22/10/2023 14:28

No way would I date someone living in a house share at 35 - and I'm 35, based in London. Living with one friend I guess, maybe, but probably not.

Do you live alone @roarrfeckingroar ? I would say you need 50k salary to live comfortably as one person in london, most people in their 30s don't earn this.

Agree one friend is preferable and would hopefully make it economical enough to be viable!

Myfabby · 22/10/2023 14:35

you're settling and i suspect you know it.
houseshare, messy, hungover and not prioritizing you.
he's probably tight too reading between the lines.
You sound lovely- you'll find someone lovely.

gotomomo · 22/10/2023 14:38

You see I admire his honesty. I also could imagine saying the same. We loose many a Sunday due to lots of fun on Saturdays Grin

troppibambini6 · 22/10/2023 14:50

I love a good night out and sometimes go out til 3/4 and feel like death the next day.
However if I had a chance of seeing someone I was really into the next day I'd go out til 11 then go home so I would be ok to see them.

Sounds like he doesn't hold you in very high esteem op you deserve better.

Themerrygoround · 22/10/2023 14:51

When was the last time you seen him ?
I think if people are serious about you they give up there sat night. It’s the most important day of the week really.
He used up sat with mates and wiped out time on Sunday .

Saying that I think the fact he can’t stay over would be off putting . Who wants to go to someone’s home to get all cosey and chill then have to leave when all warm and sleepy. I wouldn’t I’d stay a home .

Also what can’t you have anyone to stay on your rental ? I couldn’t live like that , that’s shocking.

This isn’t going anywhere for loads of reasons .

DaftQuestionForToday · 22/10/2023 15:06

Your living situation sounds worse than his!! Why can't you have someone stay over?

House shares are often a bit grotty because someone won't pull their weight, so the others start to reduce what they do & it all goes downhill. (A cleaner us the easiest solution)

Why have you never stayed at his.

if he's not allowed to stay at yours, I don't blame him for not being massively thrilled & prioritising that over a hood Saturday night.

no matter how old he is, if he wants a lazy Sunday, why shouldn't he have one??

Did he invite you to go with him last night? If not, why not? Would you have wanted to go??

Myhusbandearns150k · 22/10/2023 15:10

Why would you want to spend your evening with a hungover person. You must really like him.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/10/2023 15:14

He's honest about who he is I suppose but that's literally the only redeeming quality you have mentioned, everything else would have given me the ick.

Raisinganiguana · 22/10/2023 15:14

Depends what he was up to? Was it an event - a party, seeing some good friends? Or just a night in the pub?

Frankly, he can do what he wants. His not lied to you, it seems like you’re not right for him, you’re being very judgy. He might not want to sit round someone’s house then be made to go home again on a Sunday night..I wouldn’t

Moonshine5 · 22/10/2023 15:17

God he's supposed to be trying to impress at this stage.
Forget it

INeedAnotherName · 22/10/2023 15:20

The houseshare wouldn't bother me if I knew they were trying to save/had realistic dreams of getting their own place in the future, but the rest of it is a hard no.

Dirty, messy house - no
Big drinker, especially if you are seeing a huge rise in the amount- hard no
Can't be bothered to come to yours 24 hours later - fuvk that!

Aquamarine1029 · 22/10/2023 15:21

I'm astounded you've already wasted six months on him, honestly.

Broodywuz · 22/10/2023 15:31

Don't waste any more of your time op. This is from someone who did and is now married to this man with children. Similarly he would waste most Sundays hungover and very much 'one of the lads' and quite immature in his life choices I would say. 10 year age gap between us so it didn't really occur to me when we were dating for a start as it seemed quite normal (I was early 20's he was early 30's) 15 years on, since having children it's really hit me how much more driven and mature I am than him now. I think when they're still like that at 35 they never really change.

JumalanTerve · 22/10/2023 15:31

https://spotify.link/4OucVXME6Db

Have a listen to this, you really don't want to be getting involved with this guy long term

Spotify

https://spotify.link/4OucVXME6Db

Kimten · 22/10/2023 15:33

What a loser.
Thrown him back in the landfill.