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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quite simply- AIBU?

91 replies

forjustnow · 22/10/2023 10:12

Background-

2 siblings and a DM.

Sibling 1- public sector job earns 50k, has 1 DC and is the sole provider for them, has a mortgage on an average house. Has a strained relationship with DM, sees them approx 5 times a year.

Sibling 2- built up property, no DC, has 5 mortgage free properties rented out (these are not the main income source). Has a very positive and supportive relationship with DM, sees them multiple times a week.

DM- has MH struggles and has relied on DC off and on their whole lives. DM has always lived in rented housing.

Siblings have an amicable but not close relationship, stay in contact via message etc. Talk if they bump into each other but rarely call/don't spend birthdays & Christmas together etc. Siblings and DM all stay in the same city within about 5 miles of each other.

Sibling 2 has decided (no conversation with sibling 2) that they are giving DM one of their flats. Sibling 1 thinks this is lovely. Sibling 2 then calls (only phone call this year) Sibling 1 to explain the rent they will lose will be approx 1200 a month. This point is laboured over 2 phone calls. DM then also mentions this to Sibling 1.

Sibling 1 is starting to feel under pressure to offer to make a monthly contribution to the lost rent. However, they a) can't comfortably afford it. b)don't want to c) don't think they should as there was no discussion/joint decision making process d) the lost rent is not a main source of income e) would rather use spare money to build security for their DC.

I am Sibling 1. Am I BU?

OP posts:
fgsstopbs · 22/10/2023 10:15

Don't say anything at all and be honest if they do you can't afford anything extra with COL. You haven't forced your sibling to give your mother a flat.

Theunamedcat · 22/10/2023 10:16

Offer them nothing seriously you owe them nothing for their own choices give them a dismissive im sorry to hear that then change the subject if they persist make excuses to leave the call

Don't pay not one penny they have FIVE properties and a job you have a mortgage and a child to support the answer is NO

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 10:18

They haven’t asked OP

If they ask, just say that not possible

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 10:19

You live 5 miles from your mum and see her 5x a year. Presumably you talk rarely too. Added you rarely see or speak with your sibling.

So I don’t see this causing you a problem

MatildaTheCat · 22/10/2023 10:19

Absolutely not unreasonable. Is your DM paying them any rent? Presumably she pays it now.

Id play stupid and just say how lovely it sounds and how generous your sibling is to do this for your DM.

Original poster
forjustnow · 22/10/2023 10:23

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 10:19

You live 5 miles from your mum and see her 5x a year. Presumably you talk rarely too. Added you rarely see or speak with your sibling.

So I don’t see this causing you a problem

I guess there is just an internal guilty feeling and a sense of duty.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 22/10/2023 10:23

Your sibling can't decide how you spend your money. Ignore the hints, and if they ask outright, tell them you haven't got the means to do it.

Tinkerbyebye · 22/10/2023 10:24

It’s not up to you to replace any lost rent. Your sibling has decided this is what they are going to do

if either mention it again just say it’s very kind of you to let DM stay there rent free/ isn’t it kind of sibling to let you stay rent free

if they want the rent covering then they can charge your mum the same rent she pays now as a minimum

but just ignore. You can’t afford it end of story. I also assume if you only see her a few times a year then there is a reason so don’t be dragged into any further discussion

Ponoka7 · 22/10/2023 10:25

You don't have a duty to house your Mum. Under these circumstances she could get housing benefit. Your sibling should have worked out if they could afford to do this, before the offer was made. Don't give in, as you say, it's money you'd be taking from your child to give to your sibling.

Devilsmommy · 22/10/2023 10:26

No you're not bu. Your siblings got 5 houses which obviously some have been converted to flats, those rents aren't his main income and he's asking you on £50k a year who doesn't see DM much to pay her rent. Cheeky fucker. I'd be telling him to do one! Not your responsibility especially as you weren't even factored into decision

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/10/2023 10:29

Honestly, I think they are being cheeky hinting this way. Grey rock and leave them to it.

NalafromtheLionKing · 22/10/2023 10:31

100% agree with the above. DM can pay sibling whatever rent she pays now and, if sibling decides not to accept payment, that is absolutely nothing to do with you.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/10/2023 10:31

Your sibling and your mum have made this decision. Any regrets should be theirs alone. It has absolutely nothing to do with you

I assume the reason for this is so your mum can live a more comfortable retirement.

Thats very generous of your sibling and if it comes up I would let them know that and also add that you are grateful that they are in a position to do this.

Original poster
forjustnow · 22/10/2023 10:33

Ponoka7 · 22/10/2023 10:25

You don't have a duty to house your Mum. Under these circumstances she could get housing benefit. Your sibling should have worked out if they could afford to do this, before the offer was made. Don't give in, as you say, it's money you'd be taking from your child to give to your sibling.

You've got it exactly with taking from DC to support my sibling who absolutely doesn't need it. I work really hard (2 jobs) to support DC and the couple of 100 I would give to my sibling would be felt in my budget but to them it would literally be pocket change.

OP posts:
SlipSlidinAway · 22/10/2023 10:33

YANBU.

Your mum can't afford to pay your sibling rent. Neither can you. End of. Don't feel guilty.

At some point you will want to help your dc with driving lessons/university costs/rent deposit. Any spare cash you have should be going into a fund for that.

Every time your sibling mentions lost rent just smile and say how generous it is of them. And remember, they may be losing rent but they are retaining an asset which will increase in value over time.

peebles32 · 22/10/2023 10:35

No way! Sibling 2 made that choice!

Original poster
forjustnow · 22/10/2023 10:35

Rainbowqueeen · 22/10/2023 10:31

Your sibling and your mum have made this decision. Any regrets should be theirs alone. It has absolutely nothing to do with you

I assume the reason for this is so your mum can live a more comfortable retirement.

Thats very generous of your sibling and if it comes up I would let them know that and also add that you are grateful that they are in a position to do this.

I have. As much as as we have strained relationships, I'm not uncaring towards them and do think this is very generous. I've said this to both of them.

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 22/10/2023 10:37

Not your problem OP. If they ask say no.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/10/2023 10:37

Every time it's mentioned agree yes, it is very generous of DSibling and they're very fortunate to be able to afford to do that. Leave it at that. You live within a few miles of your mom and rarely see her so it's not like this is a conversation that's going to be coming up weekly

felisha54 · 22/10/2023 10:38

Why is sibling 2 wanting to do this? Is your mums current lease ending?

If I were sibling 1 I wouldn't offer to contribute. Sibling 2 seems to have enough properties to be able to do them so let them. Your mum may not be able to claim housing benefit as she's moving into a relatives home.

MyCircumference · 22/10/2023 10:38

she has chosen to do this, without prior discussion.
puts you in a predicament.

MyCircumference · 22/10/2023 10:40

far better to stay out of it,
unless you offer to furnish it, buy a freezer or new bed?

Original poster
forjustnow · 22/10/2023 10:42

felisha54 · 22/10/2023 10:38

Why is sibling 2 wanting to do this? Is your mums current lease ending?

If I were sibling 1 I wouldn't offer to contribute. Sibling 2 seems to have enough properties to be able to do them so let them. Your mum may not be able to claim housing benefit as she's moving into a relatives home.

No I'm not actually sure why it's happening now.

OP posts:
ShagratandGorbag4ever · 22/10/2023 10:43

The only words you need are 'what exactly is your point?' and 'no'.

MyCircumference · 22/10/2023 10:43

how will she manage the bills?