Quite simply- AIBU?

[forjustnow]

Background-

2 siblings and a DM.

Sibling 1- public sector job earns 50k, has 1 DC and is the sole provider for them, has a mortgage on an average house. Has a strained relationship with DM, sees them approx 5 times a year.

Sibling 2- built up property, no DC, has 5 mortgage free properties rented out (these are not the main income source). Has a very positive and supportive relationship with DM, sees them multiple times a week.

DM- has MH struggles and has relied on DC off and on their whole lives. DM has always lived in rented housing.

Siblings have an amicable but not close relationship, stay in contact via message etc. Talk if they bump into each other but rarely call/don't spend birthdays & Christmas together etc. Siblings and DM all stay in the same city within about 5 miles of each other.

Sibling 2 has decided (no conversation with sibling 2) that they are giving DM one of their flats. Sibling 1 thinks this is lovely. Sibling 2 then calls (only phone call this year) Sibling 1 to explain the rent they will lose will be approx 1200 a month. This point is laboured over 2 phone calls. DM then also mentions this to Sibling 1.

Sibling 1 is starting to feel under pressure to offer to make a monthly contribution to the lost rent. However, they a) can't comfortably afford it. b)don't want to c) don't think they should as there was no discussion/joint decision making process d) the lost rent is not a main source of income e) would rather use spare money to build security for their DC.

I am Sibling 1. Am I BU?

Your sibling has made this decision without consulting you and has no right to expect a contribution. They almost certainly realise this, because they are using emotional blackmail, rather than asking outright.

Your mother has her own income, so she should be able to contribute.

If you were to pay, would you get a portion of the profits, when the flat is up for rent again? Or of the sale proceeds? Your sibling seems to be expecting you to pay their mortgage.

It's top of the range CFery!

If they ask outright, say that you can't afford it and that it wasn't your idea. Be prepared for your relationship to falter.

Sibling has no mortgage to cover, properties are mortgage free. If OP contributed to her mother's rent, sibling would receive this money as income.

Why would OP pay sibling rent to house their mother, she's not currently responsible for mother's rent

This is all speculation

OP is getting a feeling that is what her sibling wants but nothing has actually been said

op is close to neither and has very limited interaction with them

i don’t see this being an issue as long as the op doesn’t make it one

To repeat what other PP have said. Sibling has the right to do whatever they choose with their properties. It's very generous what they are doing for their DM, but their decision does not impact upon you in any way. They are an adult and fully aware of this.

Your priorities are your family. You do you.

I would offer to help out with the move though.

YABU to think you have to give your much wealthier sibling money to compensate them for their decision to allow your DM to live in one of their spare properties for free.

Why would you think that? In the nicest possible way you need to stop being a people pleaser especially when there is no obligation to do the thing you seem to think you should do and little consequence to not doing it, given you don't have much of a relationship with either of them.

You'd be less unreasonable to say 'oy, sis/bro, I'm struggling here too, can I have a free house as well'.

100% this.

Think of it this way - she's decided to put a roof over her mother's head and has the capability to do this with little financial impact to her (yes she will lose out on rent from the property but she could offset that if she wanted to by doing a small increase in rent from her other properties - not a nice thing to do but it could be done or just accepting the loss - nicer way to do things).
She is also getting someone to live in the property so it's less likely to get damp from under use.

Definitely play dumb here. Don't offer anything because if you do, you are all taking money from your DD here.

Nothing other than this. This is their choice, you do not need to be involved in any way. And should not feel guilty at not getting involved.

When my father died suddenly he left behind a mountain of debt and a family home mortgaged to the hilt. I had to leave my fiancée in the uk and move to a low tax financial centre for 3 years and work my arse off to buy my mother a flat to live in. I have two brothers who are artists / musicians and have no money and one told me I should just leave her to rely on the state.

Fast forward 25 years and my mother has lived rent free obviously all this time and we have funded a whole load of improvements and repairs. The property market has now gone up hugely in that time and my mother now wants to leave a large chunk of the house to my 2 brothers on the basis they have no money.

Meanwhile we still have a largeish mortgage which we were relying on the eventual sale of my mother’s flat to clear. So no, I don’t believe you should contribute anything. Your sibling will benefit from the likely uptick in property prices while he also won’t have to deal with the ongoing pain of being a landlord. With the tax changes, epc requirements and abolition of no fault evictions this could be significant .

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · Today 06:40

With no mortgage, it's just grasping! The sibling runs the property as a business, so may be able to use it as a tax write off.

This.

You were no part of any conversation and therefore you are not any part of any solution.

Stay out of it.

Offer zero.

If you are asked directly, answer it is not possible.

End of conversation.

This has absolutely nothing to do with you.

Your sibling should have discussed this BEFORE they offered not after.

IF they had discussed it with you, you would have told them clearly you were completely unable to be involved.

This sounds like buyers regret from your sibling, but again not your problem.

Stay firm on this score.

Your mother sounds like a huge CF.

I hope you have protected this asset properly.

@Teddleshon you emigrated away from your fiancé for three years to buy your mum a home? That seems rather excessive for someone who you don’t appear to have a particularly close relationship given the development of events.

And you didn’t decide to own the flat and then your mother stay there hence avoiding this inheritance situation?

Very odd

@Paltrypam I do own the flat (obviously as I bought it) but given the fact that it has gone up so much in value in the past 25 years she wants to "leave" some of the proceeds to my brothers. She is 94 and dying of cancer so clearly I am not going to have a big row with her about it. She doesn't seem to understand that it isn't hers to leave and my 2 brothers somehow feel entitled to a share as they are broke and obviously have no inheritance whereas we are relatively well off and as they see it we have had a free ride on the back of a rising property market.

I didn't "emigrate", I travelled back and forth for holidays and long weekends when possible. There are a large number of low tax domiciles within a 7 hour flight from Britain.

Ah ok so it’s a 94 year old women not really with full capacity if she doesn’t understand you actually own it (which to be fair - is sort of relevant but you neglected to mention in your original post!). I wouldn’t be stressing about that!

. I had to leave my fiancée in the uk and move to a low tax financial centre for 3 years

so you didn’t move?

They can feel as entitled as they like but you're the legal owner and as long as they don't go for squatters rights on behalf of your mother let them fester.

OP you had no input into your sibling's decision. I'm struggling to see how they could present any case that it's anything to do with you?

@Aldicrispsareshit yes I know but I also know I will no longer have any relationship with my siblings which does make me sad.

Do you really want a relationship with them if they have the attitudes towards you and your mother that they currently hold?

They will go NC with you because you won’t give them money?

This is all very odd @Teddleshon

you are sad about your siblings not wanting to have anything to do with you if you don’t give them money after your mother passes?

It's nothing to do with you, let your mum and sibling get on with whatever arrangement they've made between themselves. You were nothing to do with any of the decisions made here (your sibling buying multiple houses, deciding to give one to your mum, etc) and you need feel nothing about it because as you say, your sibling can afford it and made the decision independently.

It is your siblings decision to give a flat to their dm, if they can't afford the loss in rent or require financial assistance from their sibling the shouldn't be entertaining the idea.

You've two choices, to ignore the guilt trip. Or face it head on and discuss with sibling.

Either way, the end result will be the same, you can't afford it so won't be contributing financially

Your sibling has made this decision without you, and only discussed it with your mum. So this is nothing to do with you. If your sibling is missing the rent she/he can ask your mum to pay some same as she does now to whoever she rents from.Your mum has her own income.

Your sibling shouldn't have made this decision unless they were okay with losing the rent or receiving less. I don't think you've got anything to feel guilty or responsible for here.

@Paltrypam yes I am, family means a lot to me which is why I sacrificed so much to avoid my mother being homeless (she does not live in a country which has council homes or equivalent).