Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Quite simply- AIBU?

91 replies

forjustnow · 22/10/2023 10:12

Background-

2 siblings and a DM.

Sibling 1- public sector job earns 50k, has 1 DC and is the sole provider for them, has a mortgage on an average house. Has a strained relationship with DM, sees them approx 5 times a year.

Sibling 2- built up property, no DC, has 5 mortgage free properties rented out (these are not the main income source). Has a very positive and supportive relationship with DM, sees them multiple times a week.

DM- has MH struggles and has relied on DC off and on their whole lives. DM has always lived in rented housing.

Siblings have an amicable but not close relationship, stay in contact via message etc. Talk if they bump into each other but rarely call/don't spend birthdays & Christmas together etc. Siblings and DM all stay in the same city within about 5 miles of each other.

Sibling 2 has decided (no conversation with sibling 2) that they are giving DM one of their flats. Sibling 1 thinks this is lovely. Sibling 2 then calls (only phone call this year) Sibling 1 to explain the rent they will lose will be approx 1200 a month. This point is laboured over 2 phone calls. DM then also mentions this to Sibling 1.

Sibling 1 is starting to feel under pressure to offer to make a monthly contribution to the lost rent. However, they a) can't comfortably afford it. b)don't want to c) don't think they should as there was no discussion/joint decision making process d) the lost rent is not a main source of income e) would rather use spare money to build security for their DC.

I am Sibling 1. Am I BU?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/10/2023 10:46

Of course you’re not being unreasonable.

If your sibling keeps mentioning the £1,200 just say “It’s really generous of you to do this for Mum.”

If your mum mentions it say “It’s really generous of Sibling to do this for you, Mum.”

Original poster
forjustnow · 22/10/2023 10:46

MyCircumference · 22/10/2023 10:43

how will she manage the bills?

Not a question I've asked. I'd assume the same way she pays for them in her private let- pension and PT work.

OP posts:
GrumpyOldCrone · 22/10/2023 10:48

This is not actually a generous act. Your sibling is viewing it as a business transaction. You have no contractual obligation here!

MyCircumference · 22/10/2023 10:48

do nothing op,
apart from may be ask sis Are you Sure this is wise?
but dont feel you have to offer

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2023 10:49

And if they ask outright for a contribution say ‘No, I can’t afford to.’

Original poster
forjustnow · 22/10/2023 10:50

GrumpyOldCrone · 22/10/2023 10:48

This is not actually a generous act. Your sibling is viewing it as a business transaction. You have no contractual obligation here!

This has crossed my mind. They are very, very financially aware in every aspect of life and don't make ANY decision without knowing the financial benefit/cost.

OP posts:
meganorks · 22/10/2023 10:50

She hasn't actually asked you for anything so I would just say if they mention it again 'that's very generous of you and will make mum's life a lot easier' and leave it at that. It might not be that she wants any money from you, just wants you to know how much she is giving up, how generous she is being. How does your mum pay rent now? If she gets some kind of housing benefit surely she would still be entitled and could pay that to your sister. If not, its not your problem. Do not offer anything.

Original poster
forjustnow · 22/10/2023 10:52

meganorks · 22/10/2023 10:50

She hasn't actually asked you for anything so I would just say if they mention it again 'that's very generous of you and will make mum's life a lot easier' and leave it at that. It might not be that she wants any money from you, just wants you to know how much she is giving up, how generous she is being. How does your mum pay rent now? If she gets some kind of housing benefit surely she would still be entitled and could pay that to your sister. If not, its not your problem. Do not offer anything.

They've not asked yet but I can sense it's coming.
DM rent is currently paid for by pension/PT work.

OP posts:
Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 11:00

You hardly see them or have any interception with them op

so what if it causes tension by you saying “not a possibility”. Not like you have much to do with each other anyway

Perthsmurf · 22/10/2023 11:07

YANBU. Your responsibility is to your DC and yourself. You are not responsible for your DM, and certainly not responsible for this lost rent. It’s ridiculous of your sibling, especially as effectively you’d be contributing to their mortgage!

You owe them nothing, and don’t feel guilty. This situation is of their own making.

BouncyBallBall · 22/10/2023 11:07

You all sound over invested to know your siblings financial situations

If you mother is on low income then is she eligible for rent support? This is possible even if renting from a relative if the rent is market rate.

NoSquirrels · 22/10/2023 11:23

If or when they ask, just say no. That’s it.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz12 · 22/10/2023 11:30

No you are in no way unreasonable. Your sibling can't make a unilateral decision and expect you to pay for it

Original poster
forjustnow · 22/10/2023 11:32

BouncyBallBall · 22/10/2023 11:07

You all sound over invested to know your siblings financial situations

If you mother is on low income then is she eligible for rent support? This is possible even if renting from a relative if the rent is market rate.

I’m not over invested at all. They have always been very open with their financial ventures Etc

Sibling has no interest in charging DM rent or asking DM to claim any kind of benefit. I think their view is they are contributing by giving DM the priority rent free and I should be offering to cover a portion of the rent they are losing.

OP posts:
Thebigblueballoon · 22/10/2023 11:34

It was your sibling’s decision to gift your mother a flat. You had no say in the decision, and are under no obligation to offer a contribution towards the lost rent. They have four mortgage-free properties already, ffs! I’m sure they’ll live with the “loss”.

If your sibling is literally gifting the property to your mum - as in transferring the deeds - you could always suggest that this is reflected in any inheritance further down the line.

Datgal · 22/10/2023 11:37

Cheeky fuckers!! I'd be laughing my head off if they did ever ask.

Original poster
forjustnow · 22/10/2023 12:04

Thebigblueballoon · 22/10/2023 11:34

It was your sibling’s decision to gift your mother a flat. You had no say in the decision, and are under no obligation to offer a contribution towards the lost rent. They have four mortgage-free properties already, ffs! I’m sure they’ll live with the “loss”.

If your sibling is literally gifting the property to your mum - as in transferring the deeds - you could always suggest that this is reflected in any inheritance further down the line.

Edited

I doubt it. They will still own it but DM will stay there.

OP posts:
TempName247 · 22/10/2023 12:23

I think perhaps they are not asking you to contribute but sowing the seeds for themselves to get more of any inheritance

2jacqi · 22/10/2023 12:48

is your sibling finding it difficult to get a tenant to pay that high rent??? if sibling is so well off then he should really be allowing mother to stay rent free because otherwise it is not a favour, it is a business transaction! be wary of siblings actions! think mother should stay put where she is and really they both have a cheek asking for rent contribution from you!

Original poster
forjustnow · 22/10/2023 12:50

2jacqi · 22/10/2023 12:48

is your sibling finding it difficult to get a tenant to pay that high rent??? if sibling is so well off then he should really be allowing mother to stay rent free because otherwise it is not a favour, it is a business transaction! be wary of siblings actions! think mother should stay put where she is and really they both have a cheek asking for rent contribution from you!

No the rental market where we are in very strong and there would be no problem filling it.

OP posts:
Aldicrispsareshit · 22/10/2023 12:53

"what a generous thing to do for mum"
And
"Oh that's a shame, if you can't afford it maybe have a rethink on the offer"

Be at one with Switzerland

WiddlinDiddlin · 22/10/2023 13:49

Nope YANBU - if Property Tycoon Sibling needs rent, then DM can pay the rent via the usual routes of income from work/pension/other benefits.

If PTS doesn't want to do that, that is entirely their choice and absolutely does not constitute a responsibility on your part to contribute.

PTS sounds like they know the price of everything, the value of nothing, and has no real empathy for anyones financial situation but their own.

ETA: I'd also be pretty pissed off that they felt worse about asking DM to pay, apply for housing benefit etc (if relevant) than asking someone already stretched with their own financial commitments. Thoughtless, and rude.

Fulshaw · 22/10/2023 14:14

Just say you can’t afford it. People are so afraid to say this, there’s no shame in it.

’I’m sorry, I can’t help. I’m very tight for money and everything goes on the DC’

Thats all you need to say!

Paltrypam · 22/10/2023 16:04

I think their view is they are contributing by giving DM the priority rent free and I should be offering to cover a portion of the rent they are losing.

the key word is “THINK”

a non issue until you’re actually asked

and if you are, a simple and clear “no, that won’t be possible” will end the Matter

if this results in any drama, not a big deal considering you barely see your either of them

Catsmere · 23/10/2023 05:06

Why on earth do you feel guilty about not paying money to this random landlord sibling? It's his/her property, one of several - what has it to do with you?