Trying to end a friendship

CandyCane75 · 2023-10-21T15:53:37+00:00

Just that really. We weren't super close, but saw each other occasionally. I don't enjoy her company at all. She's pretty condescending! I've backed off messaging her and now she's questioning why I'm quiet 😳 I was just hoping she'd get the hint. I don't want a showdown or to tell her I find her annoying etc. How did you wind down a friendship organically/diplomatically? I don't want confrontation.

HeatherMoores · 21/10/2023 16:58

Not a lot more to add really. Just keep doing what you’re doing leaving it longer and longer to reply with neutral responses.

SmugglersHaunt · 21/10/2023 16:58

Sounds like she’s already cottoned on so you may need to have a conversation. Is it really unsalvageable?

Ktime · 21/10/2023 17:00

I’m not very direct. I would just tell her I’m going through a lot right now and just keeping myself to myself, nothing personal.

LylaLee · 21/10/2023 17:04

Ktime · 21/10/2023 17:00

I’m not very direct. I would just tell her I’m going through a lot right now and just keeping myself to myself, nothing personal.

I hate that kind of pussyfooting.

Just say, "I'm not finding myself having a good time when we talk/spend time together, so I thought it would be better to minimise contact."

"Why?"

"I don't have a list of examples, but for instance, I feel like you look down on the fact that I do X job. Out interactions leave me feeling drained. I don't want to have an argument or debate about it."

Ktime · 21/10/2023 17:07

LylaLee · 21/10/2023 17:04

I hate that kind of pussyfooting.

Just say, "I'm not finding myself having a good time when we talk/spend time together, so I thought it would be better to minimise contact."

"Why?"

"I don't have a list of examples, but for instance, I feel like you look down on the fact that I do X job. Out interactions leave me feeling drained. I don't want to have an argument or debate about it."

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But not everyone can be that direct.

OP still has the right to get this woman off her back, even if that means pussyfooting.

Coldinscotland · 21/10/2023 17:09

I ended 2 friendships a few years ago. 1 I ghosted... 1 I emailed fully why I was walking away... Both suited the situation and no regrets..

Createausername1970 · 21/10/2023 17:10

If you don't want confrontation, then reply and say everything is fine, you have just been busy with life and end the message with a smiley face. But don't ask any questions or suggest a meet up. Keep it friendly but distant.

HoHoHoliday · 21/10/2023 17:11

I'm a fan of honesty and think it's fine to say "I'm not enjoying our friendship anymore but I really wish you well".
I'd rather say that, and would rather hear that, than some fakeness or random ghosting. But I realise a lot of people don't like that level of honesty!
She's asked why you are being quiet. You can explain to her that you are not being quiet, you are fine, but you have a lot on your plate so are scaling back on socialising to concentrate on family and work? But also end with wishing her well.

LylaLee · 21/10/2023 17:13

Ktime · 21/10/2023 17:07

But not everyone can be that direct.

OP still has the right to get this woman off her back, even if that means pussyfooting.

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I think it's actually cruel to you with someone you once called a friend, just to avoid uncomfortable feelings.

Meekah · 21/10/2023 17:15

Never initiate contact.
When she contacts you, take your time respond and be short and sweet.
Always be 'busy' when she suggests meeting up.

She'll gradually stop contacting you.

Lougle · 21/10/2023 17:19

I think you can be diplomatic and friendly. Something like 'Life's really busy at the moment and I'm struggling to fit everything in.'

Bellyblueboy · 21/10/2023 17:25

I was phased out by a friend.

looking back I’m a bit embarrassed that I didn’t twig earlier😂.

everyone is different but I would have hated to be told that she didn’t want to be my friend. She was slower on replying to text messages and eventually I stopped texting her and I never heard from her again!

but we didn’t leave on bad terms - I have just assumed I wasn’t a priority. Which is okay

ilovesooty · 21/10/2023 17:25

If you can't cope with being reasonably direct you'll just have to sit with the discomfort until the situation dies off. If she thinks you're being distant it's not unreasonable of her to ask why. Up to you what answer you give.

WeeStyleIcon · 21/10/2023 17:28

I feel like all my friends do this to me eventually. I feel like a mostly good humoured person who's interested in others. But I feel like the people I want to spend time with have better people who want their time. :-/

i may be fooling myself but I don't think it's to do with me. It's sad and disappointing and a bit lonely when it happens but, I usually sense that I'm not high status enough to fit in with their other friends or as a single parent, too single and that singleness isn't countered by wealth... job too lowly, not good looking enough, whatever........

I feel like I look up to the people I want to spend time with though. So I'm not putting them down.

Maybe I need to find friends who are exactly where I am. How. I wonder!

Clarinet1 · 21/10/2023 17:31

To me, saying you’re busy will only provide a temporary respite - she’ll try in a few months/a year or whatever to see if you’re less busy!

If you don’t want to say you’re just not enjoying seeing her anymore maybe make up something to do with family commitments or work (but not something where she’s likely to find out you’re being economical with the truth!)

Lougle · 21/10/2023 17:32

You sound like my kind of person @WeeStyleIcon . Have you thought of posting on your local board to see if anyone wants to meet up? If you're near Hampshire, I'd go for coffee with you 😊

Original poster

CandyCane75 · 21/10/2023 17:45

Createausername1970 · 21/10/2023 17:10

If you don't want confrontation, then reply and say everything is fine, you have just been busy with life and end the message with a smiley face. But don't ask any questions or suggest a meet up. Keep it friendly but distant.

I did this and she hasn't replied. My gut says she won't leave it though. She's a dog with a bone type! I was friendly in my message but just said things had been pretty busy recently. I'm hoping she doesn't get shitty with me, I could really do without drama 🙄

OP posts:

Original poster

CandyCane75 · 21/10/2023 17:49

WeeStyleIcon · 21/10/2023 17:28

I feel like all my friends do this to me eventually. I feel like a mostly good humoured person who's interested in others. But I feel like the people I want to spend time with have better people who want their time. :-/

i may be fooling myself but I don't think it's to do with me. It's sad and disappointing and a bit lonely when it happens but, I usually sense that I'm not high status enough to fit in with their other friends or as a single parent, too single and that singleness isn't countered by wealth... job too lowly, not good looking enough, whatever........

I feel like I look up to the people I want to spend time with though. So I'm not putting them down.

Maybe I need to find friends who are exactly where I am. How. I wonder!

I am also like you, which is why I try and limit my exposure to people with bad vibes. This 'friend' is always snide and condescending and being in her company makes me anxious 😟

OP posts:

Monetm · 21/10/2023 17:56

Createausername1970 · 21/10/2023 17:10

If you don't want confrontation, then reply and say everything is fine, you have just been busy with life and end the message with a smiley face. But don't ask any questions or suggest a meet up. Keep it friendly but distant.

Don’t do this. It’s dishonest and it’s horrible. Be an adult and tell her, in a polite way, that you’re finding the friendship difficult and tell her why. Give her the opportunity to apologise and address it, which she may want to. If she doesn’t, you can end the friendship with a clear conscience.

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 19:27

"But not everyone can be that direct."

Not everybody is happy with leaving the other people feel like shit!

LylaLee · 21/10/2023 19:30

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 19:27

"But not everyone can be that direct."

Not everybody is happy with leaving the other people feel like shit!

The title should be not 'how to end a friendship' but, 'how to make someone who considers me a friend give up on the friendship in a way that means that I don't feel awkward, or use my words, fuck how they feel'.

MrsTWH · 21/10/2023 19:44

I’m on both sides of this at the moment. It is hard all round. I would always take someone at face value, so when I get a message saying “all is fine, just busy!” then that’s what I think, and I would try again in a few months. You’re leaving the door open by doing that. If you want rid of her, you have to put your big girl pants on and say something like, “I’m not really able to offer friendship at the moment but I wish you well”.
I would always prefer diplomatic honesty to drama or hinting.

RedRobyn2021 · 21/10/2023 20:11

Could you just keep taking a long time to respond, always be busy. Then eventually just ignore her?

3luckystars · 21/10/2023 20:14

Ask her for a big loan!
Just joking.

I would just keep doing what you are doing, say you are too busy with family now and you would appreciate some space. No need to burn the bridge.

Monetm · 21/10/2023 20:23

RedRobyn2021 · 21/10/2023 20:11

Could you just keep taking a long time to respond, always be busy. Then eventually just ignore her?

It’s cruel and cowardly to behave like this. As other posters have said above she may initially make the mistake of thinking you are an honest person and genuinely busy. FFS I presume people on here are adults who regularly have to do things that are challenging, whether that’s chairing a big meeting or birthing a baby. Is it really that difficult to just tell a friend directly that you’re finding their behaviour difficult or that you wish them well but you need some space?