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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trying to end a friendship

89 replies

CandyCane75 · 21/10/2023 16:53

Just that really.
We weren't super close, but saw each other occasionally.
I don't enjoy her company at all. She's pretty condescending!
I've backed off messaging her and now she's questioning why I'm quiet 😳
I was just hoping she'd get the hint.
I don't want a showdown or to tell her I find her annoying etc.
How did you wind down a friendship organically/diplomatically? I don't want confrontation.

OP posts:
Jewelspun · 21/10/2023 20:29

You are under no obligation to contact or reply to her.

You can give some spineless wishy washy excuse that you're busy or don't feel up to meeting.

Or you can be blunt and say "Stop messaging me and fuck off".

Or just ignore and block.

Fusterclucked · 21/10/2023 20:33

How often do you have to see her? Is she a work friend? Mum friend? Is ghosting her easy?

Mamma2017 · 21/10/2023 20:42

Jewelspun · 21/10/2023 20:29

You are under no obligation to contact or reply to her.

You can give some spineless wishy washy excuse that you're busy or don't feel up to meeting.

Or you can be blunt and say "Stop messaging me and fuck off".

Or just ignore and block.

Lovely 🙄

Op you sound like a good person so
i imagine you wouldn’t do something as cruel as this.

I think be tactful but clear- assert yourself but be kind. Maybe tell her examples of how you feel condescended so that it brings it into her awareness (assuming she’s not aware). The friendship isn’t working but you wish her well. She may be hurt but I’m the long run I bet she’ll appreciate your honesty and didn’t just ghost her like a coward x

Melodysmum12 · 21/10/2023 20:43

Whittle the texts down… be short with her. Ignore for days… she will get the hint! I had a vampire energy sucker friend like this too… she got the hint!!

Original poster
CandyCane75 · 21/10/2023 22:13

Fusterclucked · 21/10/2023 20:33

How often do you have to see her? Is she a work friend? Mum friend? Is ghosting her easy?

She's is someone I see occasionally. I'm just not feeling it and obviously it's awkward to say that :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
CandyCane75 · 21/10/2023 22:16

Jewelspun · 21/10/2023 20:29

You are under no obligation to contact or reply to her.

You can give some spineless wishy washy excuse that you're busy or don't feel up to meeting.

Or you can be blunt and say "Stop messaging me and fuck off".

Or just ignore and block.

I wouldn't block and ignore, I'd feel bad.
I'm hoping being less available will work and taking longer to respond to messages. Its an awkward situation as I don't wish to offend her, I just don't enjoy her company.

OP posts:
LylaLee · 21/10/2023 22:16

CandyCane75 · 21/10/2023 22:13

She's is someone I see occasionally. I'm just not feeling it and obviously it's awkward to say that :-(

Show quote history

Being an adult is all about navigating all sorts of awkward things.

You can either do something awkward or you can do the cruel thing of leaving someone confused about why they've been cut off.

Original poster
CandyCane75 · 21/10/2023 22:23

LylaLee · 21/10/2023 19:30

The title should be not 'how to end a friendship' but, 'how to make someone who considers me a friend give up on the friendship in a way that means that I don't feel awkward, or use my words, fuck how they feel'.

Show quote history

It's not a close friendship. We have gone out socially a few times and I've really tried but we just aren't on the same page. I'll come across her in a friendship group setting so I'd like for it not to be awkward. I don't want her to feel shit, which is why I'm asking for advice on how to distance organically without it becoming a drama.

OP posts:
Fusterclucked · 21/10/2023 22:32

CandyCane75 · 21/10/2023 22:13

She's is someone I see occasionally. I'm just not feeling it and obviously it's awkward to say that :-(

Show quote history

If you only see her occasionally then it doesn’t really seem like she’s much of a friend anyway, like you don’t have to see her through work or anything, do you have mutual friends?

Nodashians · 21/10/2023 22:37

As you’ve tried fading out I’d now block her and not give it another thought.

Mademetoxic · 21/10/2023 22:47

Roles reversed, if someone did this to you, what would you want them to do? Tell you directly or just ignore you?

theduchessofspork · 21/10/2023 22:50

It doesn’t sound like it was ever a friendship?

I would just say things are very busy right now, and this friendship isn’t one you can maintain, but you wish her well.

theduchessofspork · 21/10/2023 22:52

CandyCane75 · 21/10/2023 22:23

It's not a close friendship. We have gone out socially a few times and I've really tried but we just aren't on the same page. I'll come across her in a friendship group setting so I'd like for it not to be awkward. I don't want her to feel shit, which is why I'm asking for advice on how to distance organically without it becoming a drama.

Show quote history

Oh in that case just adapt and say you’ll look forward to seeing her at the XX, but things are hectic right now.

Legselevens · 21/10/2023 22:54

I have faded people out slowly as my life and circumstances have changed. I have also been faded and this was hard to take but it also helped that n the long term (family member I’ll)

Branleuse · 21/10/2023 22:56

RedRobyn2021 · 21/10/2023 20:11

Could you just keep taking a long time to respond, always be busy. Then eventually just ignore her?

Yeah, gradual ghosting. I think a lot to be said for it. Although if she's going to keep questioning and being confronting about it, then just tell her you're too busy. Be less friendly and chatty.

I don't think a friendship ending needs a big conversation. It's not like you can't just have other friendships at the same time, so there doesn't have to be clear cut endings. Who the hell needs a character assassination or a run down of why someone doesn't want you round anymore.

AlizeeEasy · 21/10/2023 22:59

It’s interesting how people describe certain ways of ending a friendship as ‘cruel’ such as ghosting but think that the direct approach is nicer. I’m not sure I would want any brutal honesty about why someone doesn’t like me enough to even spend the occasional afternoon with me. Please ghost me instead 😬

Monetm · 21/10/2023 23:12

AlizeeEasy · 21/10/2023 22:59

It’s interesting how people describe certain ways of ending a friendship as ‘cruel’ such as ghosting but think that the direct approach is nicer. I’m not sure I would want any brutal honesty about why someone doesn’t like me enough to even spend the occasional afternoon with me. Please ghost me instead 😬

Ghosting is cruel (in my experience) because it leaves you questioning every single thing you did and wondering if that was the thing that led to you being ghosted. Or whether it actually wasn’t anything you did but was about something the other person had going on - whether they really are just busy as they say in which case you’re wasting all this emotional energy wondering what you did wrong. It leaves you confused, it leaves you paranoid, it’s hard to let go of because you don’t have any answers. I would much rather just be told the reason the other person is distancing themselves. Then at least I’ve got some awareness and control over hopefully not letting it ruin other friendships. Whereas when you’re not told what the issue is then it makes you paranoid about all your friendships wondering if you are also alienating them in some way you are not aware of and not intending and will eventually be ghosted by everybody.

I have ghosted other people in the past. Having had it happen to me recently, for the first time, by a really close friend, I am going to try not to do it again, but to be direct when there is something in the friendship I am upset about. I appreciate the stakes are lower here as it wasn’t a close friendship, but my experience is that it’s a really, really horrible thing to be on the receiving end of.

Squiggles23 · 21/10/2023 23:14

@AlizeeEasy its not nice to leave someone never knowing why. They might not be realising what they are doing and want to change.

It’s incredibly cowardly and nasty just to ghost someone or block them. I agree with the others who have said: you are an adult you should be capable of having a conversation!

If your first answer is like @Nodashians and to block someone you are a very selfish human who probably needs some real therapy.

How hard is it just to say: ‘When we’ve met up the last few times I felt like you were being a bit condescending towards me. For example, X. Appreciate it might just be me being sensitive but I don’t like feeling looked down on. I’ll see you soon at X event anyway and there’s no hard feelings or animosity at all, I just need a little bit of space.

NutellaNut · 21/10/2023 23:17

Just keep repeating versions of the same ‘I’m so busy’ text till she gets the message.

AlizeeEasy · 21/10/2023 23:24

@Monetm i guess it really does depend on the person. I have family members who have major issues with rejection, so if they don’t hear from a friend it really affects them and they believe they are hated and must be a terrible person. I think it’s made me react in the opposite way, where I don’t allow myself to think that way, so I just assume that someone is busy, or we just drifted apart, without proportioning blame to myself.

The only major friendship I ended was after my friend ghosted me for 3 months as ‘punishment’ so when she was ready to resume the friendship I didn’t reciprocate. After a couple of months of this she eventually asked for why I don’t seem to be her friend anymore, and at that point I was more honest.

LylaLee · 21/10/2023 23:25

NutellaNut · 21/10/2023 23:17

Just keep repeating versions of the same ‘I’m so busy’ text till she gets the message.

Edited

It gives the same energy as people who are horrible to their partner so that the partner initiates the breaks up and they themselves aren't 'the bad guy'.

Monetm · 21/10/2023 23:47

‘Everything’s fine, I’m just busy at the moment’ is basically gaslighting, you’re leaving the person on the other end dangling trying to work out if everything is fine and they’re just being paranoid, or whether they’re being stupid not twigging that you’re trying to get rid of them.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 22/10/2023 00:54

This is quite an awkward situation if I'm reading it correctly.

OP sees this person occasionally in a larger friend ship group but doesn't want to have one to one contact with her .

How does OP shake her off without causing offence and awkward encounters at the larger group meetings?

It's tricky. I really don't know the answer.

JFT · 22/10/2023 01:15

If this is someone you're not close with and have barely spent time with, my suggestion is:

  • polite excuses (I don't have any free time these days)
  • fade out, not ghosting
  • small talk if run into them in the street or at an event
  • don't build it up into something bigger than it really is
fliptopbin · 22/10/2023 01:23

Just say "Sorry, I think the friendship has run its course. Lets make a clean break to avoid unpleasantness and embarrassment". Then block them. Short sharp shock is kindest.