Trying to end a friendship

[CandyCane75]

Just that really.
We weren't super close, but saw each other occasionally.
I don't enjoy her company at all. She's pretty condescending!
I've backed off messaging her and now she's questioning why I'm quiet 😳
I was just hoping she'd get the hint.
I don't want a showdown or to tell her I find her annoying etc.
How did you wind down a friendship organically/diplomatically? I don't want confrontation.

Someone snide and condensing doesn't deserve this headspace.
However you get rid of her do not feel guilty.

Condescending

@Branleuse

*Yeah, gradual ghosting. I think a lot to be said for it. Although if she's going to keep questioning and being confronting about it, then just tell her you're too busy. Be less friendly and chatty.

I don't think a friendship ending needs a big conversation. It's not like you can't just have other friendships at the same time, so there doesn't have to be clear cut endings. Who the hell needs a character assassination or a run down of why someone doesn't want you round anymore.*

#helloimbritish #wecantbeupfront

I’d seize an opportunity next time you meet, and if as you say she is condescending or bitchy, send a text after and say, ‘tbh, I didn’t like the way you said xyz, and it’s not the first time I’ve felt we aren’t in the same page. I’m going to take a break from our contact for now.’ And don’t reply to any messages.

Yes, exactly. I think a lot of people would be hurt by these direct responses. It's only someone's subjective opinion, and unless someone is being really actively unpleasant or bullying then phasing out is much kinder.

Here’s a radical idea, why not tell her that you are grateful for the time you were friends but you don’t feel the relationship is a good fit any more and it’s something that has run its course. It would be honest and respectful and you would probably feel better than just ignoring her.

I was on the other side of a dead friendship and I wish my erstwhile friend had been honest with me. I wasn’t paying attention and I didn’t realise they were trying to shake me off, it would have been better for us both if they could have brought themself to just tell me.

If someone told me they didn't like me or my company that would feel more cruel.

You might prefer to be told that way but not everyone feels the same.

Same here!

This exactly. In my 20s I got rid of people like this. I do not have the time to think about how they may have felt. Life is too short. Surround yourself with people who are worth it.
Say you’ve been busy. Don’t message again.

I think it’s just a case of picking your poison.

Accept the discomfort of her sending increasingly forlorn messages that you have to lie in response to and risk her deciding to confront the slow fade head on.

Or accept the discomfort of saying, “Often I feel uncomfortable about things you say about other people or me, or with the way you talk down about things I value. I feel we’re probably not a great fit as close friends anymore. I have no issues hanging out in a group and don't want you to feel that I want you excluded from the group just because we’re not on the same page.”

Yes I would prefer quiet ghosting much more.

It's different to breaking up a relationship. You can then say let's be friends and know it's just polite (though actually I still have most ex partners as Facebook friends but then we split as wanted different things in life -them kids, me not)

A friend telling me all my flaws would be horrible. Better to just be busy, particularly if you only see them rarely.

You say you can't be direct. But then you are complaining. You can't have it both ways. There's varying degrees of direct! Your'll have to say something a bit stronger. You actually do have plenty of reasons, you've expressed them clearly here. But you don't want to do anything about it. So, what do you suggest we all advise?

I think it’s a mistake to think lying is easier or going to make you less anxious. It’s also cruel to her. Come on wouldn’t you rather be decent and leave with head high? I once emailed a friend who’d done a number of things that upset me and wanted way too much contact. I literally never heard from her again. On the other hand I’ve another friend who I didn’t tell her I’ve just gone less contact and 4 years on she still tries to be friends with me, writes nice things on my social saying hope to see me. So it’s an ongoing dilemma and I’m sure I’ll bump into her ar some point. You don’t have to be that direct but what about “I’m sorry X I’m not feeling like we’re compatible anymore, I suffer with anxiety and I’ve found some of our interactions have made me feel uncomfortable. I’d appreciate if you’d respect my decision. I wish you all best for future” she may apologise or send you best wishes. Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable just block her. I don’t think you’ll hear from her again. Much less drama and brings closure.

People who do this come across as really odd. I can't actually believe anyone thinks this is a normal way to behave.

This honestly sounds like something a 14 year old would come out with.

As grown ups we should understand that life is busy snd sometimes we grow apart from certain people.
It's life. It's ok. We don't need a massive big dramatic conversation about why. It's so self involved. She'll be fine. Just see less of her.

I don't know why people think it's such a great idea to be upfront. The OP has mutual friends with this woman and they might see each other again in social settings - in that situation I would feel much less awkward if we were able to maintain the fiction that we were friendly but just too busy to keep in touch. I also find weird the idea that you give this list of reasons and the other person can go away and use that to work on themselves and be a more successful friend in the future - is that not a bit arrogant? Like I'm not the arbiter of what good friend behaviour is just because I like someone less than they like me.

Not any 14 year old I’ve ever met.

If something is a big enough deal to end a friendship over then it’s a big enough deal to let the other person know IMO. Obviously what they do with that information (if anything) is up to them. I find it way more arrogant to treat another human being as disposable trash that you must hastily sweep aside from your terribly important and busy life path, as other posters are suggesting.

I agree with poster monetm they talk a lot of sense but the conflicting views indicate there is no easy answer. It really depends on the circumstances, level of friendship and how you want to handle it. Some people seem to be able to drop friendships with not a care in the world.

It would be different if they say were racist or homophobic or said you were stupid. Easy then to say look we can't be friends due to x.

But if they just irritate you or "give you the ick" then that's far more awkward to explain why you don't want to be friends, just feels ultra rude to tell them they irritate you.

Also maybe this person already knows that you aren’t that keen on her. I’m in a situation where I can tell that a friend is trying to phase me out. I don’t really care, I like her a lot but can see why she wouldn’t like me so much. It’s awkward because we have mutual friends so I try and keep things cheery and friendly. I never ask to see her on her own though I do include her if I’m inviting the group. I would hate to think this is causing her stress though and that she would rather not see me at all than tolerate me on the rare occasion we socialise in our friend group.

You’re being a coward, it’s that simple. Grow up!

I agree with this and also was thinking hmmm 'what if that were me that someone was wondering how to 'end' the friendship with?'

I'd far rather someone was just a bit distant and non communicative and repeatedly said 'sorry, I don't have time' to any suggested meet ups, than made some big issue. The message would pretty quickly deliver!

Also, in terms of 'friendship' or rather 'acquaintance', I attend a lot of adult education classes and there's a couple of people I'm in repeat regular company with that the way they speak and the things they say literally repulse me (mainly snobbery, one-upmanship, disrespectful, condescention, high conflict, provocative, disharmonious, people).

What I've taken from this is a) don't engage with what they're saying or doing (as my particular mind wants to leap and grab onto their 'wrongdoing' -and it is wrong- and 'do something') but there's nothing can be done as they enjoy conflict.

As the sayings go: "don't wrestle with pigs, you both get dirty and they enjoy it" plus "don't argue with an idiot, they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience".

The main thing when in the company of someone being openly rude and provocative is not to play the game. Ever. Don't let them 'hook' you. But do laugh and dismiss their rudeness and defend anyone they're bullying. Then they won't want to hang out with you.

Example: in a coffee shop, Horrid Friend says 'good god look at the state of that fat waitress, she's putting me off my food'. You say in a lighthearted tone 'ooooh, what's she ever done wrong to you! that's the nastiest thing I've heard anyone say in years, do you really feel so hateful towards her? I think she's really beautiful and she's got absolutely gorgeous hair'. H Friend: 'ugh she's revolting'; You (laughing) : 'well don't look at her then!', 'and just so you know, I don't agree so it's subjective I suppose'. When conversations repeatedly unfold like this H Friend no longer wants to hang out with you.

Example: H Friend says 'did you get dressed in the dark today or something?'. You laugh 'ha! no, I just have a lot of errands to run today and don't care what I'm wearing'. H Friend 'well I prefer someone's dressed well if I'm having lunch here'. You: 'You know what, I've got a busy day today and I don't want to eat with you now if you're being weird and bitchy, let's forget it hey?'

It is very important to stand in your own power and never allow the disparaging person to put you on the other foot or make you less than or worse, feel reactive - that's what they want. Don't play the game.