ChildWithAnxietyAshamedofMyself ·
21/10/2023 11:42
DD is 9, and has been struggling with anxiety since Easter.
I have done everything I can to support her; changed the contact schedule with her dad to one that suits her better (from Fri to Sun to Sat to Mon) and therefore changed my work schedule to accommodate, I have had meetings with school to get as much put in place as we can in terms of in school support (and they have been brilliant, she’s allowed to go into class slightly early, allowed to leave slightly early at the end of the morning and at hometime, allowed to use the toilet when needed without asking (one of her anxieties) she just has to put a coloured card on her table which just has her name on, she’s been allowed to swap and change what clubs she goes to after school, choose who she sits by etc.) and school are prepared to help again and put more work in with her if/when needed, I’ve taken her to counselling organised by school, I’ve taken her out of out of school activities she said was causing her to feel scared, I’ve sat up at night with her when she’s woken me up worried about school or contact or anything the next day.
She is usually fine once she gets into something, she just says she doesn’t want to do it, and doesn’t want to try. Her dad and I have been apart since she was 18months old, divorced since she was 3 so it’s not a new situation for her there. She is fine once she gets to school and is in her classroom, academically she’s keeping up and doing fine, she just won’t go into her classroom given the option or onto the playground or come home from school – hence why she’s allowed in earlier and to leave earlier to prevent the embarrassment for her. She says she’s fine with her classmates, she has friends, has been invited to parties and is always saying she wants to go and if she does push herself to go she usually loves it. Same with Scouts which she was in until end of summer term, she would usually love it once there but would refuse to leave and cling to me. She is insisting that she's not being bullied and she's not afraid of anyone in particular.
Today has been a very bad day. My period started unexpectedly this morning so I have a headache and I had no pads. She refused to eat her breakfast she’d chosen (cocoa pops) so I changed it to toast which she also refused to eat. She then refused to go to her friend’s party. Drove all the way there with her refusing and me repeating “That’s fine but as you’ve told her you’re going and she’s expecting you we are taking the present to her”, got there and she refused to get out of the car so I went inside and explained to the host mum gave the present and we drove to her dads.
She refused to get out of the car, saying she didn’t want to go, I couldn’t make her and she wanted to just go home. Both her dad and I tried but gave up. Her dad said he’d come to ours later to try again so I had to text my manager to say I’d be starting work late.
Drove to the supermarket just to get pads, she moaned all the way round she was hungry so got her a pasta pot thing she insisted she wanted, didn’t have any cutlery on us so told her she’d have to wait until we got into the car.
On the way home she said she didn’t like the pasta she’d chosen having not opened it or eaten it and wanted mcdonalds instead, I said no we were going home to wait for her dad to pick her up. She moaned she wanted mcdonalds and to not go to dads then when I ignored her kicked the back of my seat.
I admit that I pulled into an empty carpark nearby, turned round and shouted at her that she was being ungrateful and she’d never get over her anxiety if she didn’t try things, that I was sick to death of spending money on things for her to then refuse to do it or for her to say she didn’t like what she’d insisted she wanted and she needed to start acting more grateful and trying to help herself or people would give up on her and her friends would stop inviting her to things because she always lets them down. And on and on and on I went.
I ranted for what seemed like ages, I didn’t swear, I don’t swear normally, but I was frustrated and more than a little upset with the morning we'd had an all my efforts being thrown in my face or so it felt.
We then drove home in silence and I walked into the house at home taking the shopping with me. Told her she could come in when she was ready.
She came in not long after me, slammed the car door shut and then stomped up to her room where I can hear her throwing her stuff around (she does this a lot) and shouting that she hates me.
I am ashamed of myself, I’m usually so calm and patient and loving towards her. I have suffered with anxiety in the past so I know how crippling it is, and is only 9 and learning.
I am so tired today, I was looking forward to finishing work and having a long hot bath and a glass of wine (I don’t drink when on my own with DD) but it’s now even less likely she’ll actually go to her dads and its my own fault.
You can tell me how awful I am, how ashamed I should be for shouting at a child with a mental health condition and how I must not like her or love her.
I do love her more than anything, which is why it breaks me she’s suffering.