To be ashamed of myself for shouting at DD?

[ChildWithAnxietyAshamedofMyself]

DD is 9, and has been struggling with anxiety since Easter.

I have done everything I can to support her; changed the contact schedule with her dad to one that suits her better (from Fri to Sun to Sat to Mon) and therefore changed my work schedule to accommodate, I have had meetings with school to get as much put in place as we can in terms of in school support (and they have been brilliant, she’s allowed to go into class slightly early, allowed to leave slightly early at the end of the morning and at hometime, allowed to use the toilet when needed without asking (one of her anxieties) she just has to put a coloured card on her table which just has her name on, she’s been allowed to swap and change what clubs she goes to after school, choose who she sits by etc.) and school are prepared to help again and put more work in with her if/when needed, I’ve taken her to counselling organised by school, I’ve taken her out of out of school activities she said was causing her to feel scared, I’ve sat up at night with her when she’s woken me up worried about school or contact or anything the next day.

She is usually fine once she gets into something, she just says she doesn’t want to do it, and doesn’t want to try. Her dad and I have been apart since she was 18months old, divorced since she was 3 so it’s not a new situation for her there. She is fine once she gets to school and is in her classroom, academically she’s keeping up and doing fine, she just won’t go into her classroom given the option or onto the playground or come home from school – hence why she’s allowed in earlier and to leave earlier to prevent the embarrassment for her. She says she’s fine with her classmates, she has friends, has been invited to parties and is always saying she wants to go and if she does push herself to go she usually loves it. Same with Scouts which she was in until end of summer term, she would usually love it once there but would refuse to leave and cling to me. She is insisting that she's not being bullied and she's not afraid of anyone in particular.

Today has been a very bad day. My period started unexpectedly this morning so I have a headache and I had no pads. She refused to eat her breakfast she’d chosen (cocoa pops) so I changed it to toast which she also refused to eat. She then refused to go to her friend’s party. Drove all the way there with her refusing and me repeating “That’s fine but as you’ve told her you’re going and she’s expecting you we are taking the present to her”, got there and she refused to get out of the car so I went inside and explained to the host mum gave the present and we drove to her dads.

She refused to get out of the car, saying she didn’t want to go, I couldn’t make her and she wanted to just go home. Both her dad and I tried but gave up. Her dad said he’d come to ours later to try again so I had to text my manager to say I’d be starting work late.

Drove to the supermarket just to get pads, she moaned all the way round she was hungry so got her a pasta pot thing she insisted she wanted, didn’t have any cutlery on us so told her she’d have to wait until we got into the car.

On the way home she said she didn’t like the pasta she’d chosen having not opened it or eaten it and wanted mcdonalds instead, I said no we were going home to wait for her dad to pick her up. She moaned she wanted mcdonalds and to not go to dads then when I ignored her kicked the back of my seat.

I admit that I pulled into an empty carpark nearby, turned round and shouted at her that she was being ungrateful and she’d never get over her anxiety if she didn’t try things, that I was sick to death of spending money on things for her to then refuse to do it or for her to say she didn’t like what she’d insisted she wanted and she needed to start acting more grateful and trying to help herself or people would give up on her and her friends would stop inviting her to things because she always lets them down. And on and on and on I went.

I ranted for what seemed like ages, I didn’t swear, I don’t swear normally, but I was frustrated and more than a little upset with the morning we'd had an all my efforts being thrown in my face or so it felt.

We then drove home in silence and I walked into the house at home taking the shopping with me. Told her she could come in when she was ready.

She came in not long after me, slammed the car door shut and then stomped up to her room where I can hear her throwing her stuff around (she does this a lot) and shouting that she hates me.

I am ashamed of myself, I’m usually so calm and patient and loving towards her. I have suffered with anxiety in the past so I know how crippling it is, and is only 9 and learning.

I am so tired today, I was looking forward to finishing work and having a long hot bath and a glass of wine (I don’t drink when on my own with DD) but it’s now even less likely she’ll actually go to her dads and its my own fault.

You can tell me how awful I am, how ashamed I should be for shouting at a child with a mental health condition and how I must not like her or love her.

I do love her more than anything, which is why it breaks me she’s suffering.

You don't sound very terrible to me. Anxiety is one thing, demanding, kicking and fussiness to the point you described is quite another. Losing your temper with her in these circumstances is predictable.

OP, your situation sounded familiar in some ways.
I second what others are saying about the behaviour being about control, which can be driven by anxiety. My daughters behaviour can spiral like this, and it is almost always driven by a need for control. Her nervous system is overwrought, causing feelings of anxiety and not being in control. She doesn't know this as anxiety. shejust knows her behaviour is challenging.
As said further up thread, routine is everything for us as it reduces anxiety. Also clear expectations of behaviour ahead of whatever happening, discussion beforehand about what the event or day will look like, reassurance that we'll find out where the toilets are, who will be in charge etc all helps to let her vidualise and understand the event/party/playdate etc and she will often voice worries or questions then.
My girl has aspergers and other issues, and her constant need for control is exhausting and very challenging. But she does not get to have everything her own way, and basic manners and consideration of others have to be learned. She will have to live in the real world where the world does not revolve around her needs. We try and do this through connection/relationships and holding boundaries. It's bloody hard, and I definitely crack often, but as also mentioned, repairing that rupture honestly is how she learns, and she v occasionally models that back.
I think you're doing amazing not to be shouty mum. But I agree with others that your girl sounds like she's screaming out for you to her 'harbour walls' ie , hold the boundary you've given and emapthatetically allow her to have her feelings on that boundary but still hold it. If she sees that you are the strong consistent one that knows her well and won't let her rule the roost with various demands she may well feel safer emotionally.
My biggest challenge is not reacting to her reacting. When I don't react and hold fast she leaves it and moves on but boy does she push!
You're being the best mummy for your child. I hope some of this shared experience helps. Best of luck.

I cannot get over the card on the table when she wants to swap clubs or people she sits next to. Utter nonsense.

On reading this again, OP she sounds like a very indulged spoiled child that has everyone pandering to her demands which has resulted in atrocious behaviour that you've labelled as anxiety.
If you hadn't mentioned anxiety you'd be told how dreadful her behaviour is, time to get a bit tough and be a parent.

@ChildWithAnxietyAshamedofMyself

I'm sorry you're both going through this.

it is highly possible she has some form of SEN. Still too often over looked in girls.

however, you needed to to work, she's too young to be left at home in her own, so she needed to go to her Dads. I'd have physically put her into her dads car/house/arms.

i would keep pushing for an assessment.

you're NOT a bad Mum,not at all 💐

Absolute agree with @HerMammy She sounds dreadfully spoilt and labeling bad behaviour as anxiety does nothing to help anyone in the long run. Sometimes she has to do things she doesn’t want to. That’s just life. She doesn’t need to be anxious, she doesn’t have bad mental health. She’s just having an off day. Pander to her at your peril. Sounds like she’s got everyone wrapped around her little finger.

Wow these posts are horrible. You’re doing your best op and you’re a very loving mum. Lots of mums without half as much patience as you on here!

Probably won't be a popular view but is it possible she may be playing on having a label because of all the special treatment it gets her? I mean it comes over like she doesn't seem to have to do anything she doesn't want to do and is constantly pandered to at school and at home. Is it possible she might have learned how to manipulate this anxiety label to her advantage?

Happens to the best of us, but I would have sworn. So you’re better than me.

You only told her the truth. She needs to hear it. If she lets her fears overcome her over every little thing she will never have a life.

I am amazed you haven't cracked before now. She is running rings around everyone who is doing their best to accommodate her.
MH is awful, but the patient has to put some effort in too.
Pour some wine and put something nice on the TV OP. You deserve it.

Nobody with any sense or decency is going to berate you for this

You're human and you snapped. None of us wants to shout or be anything less than perfect, but we all have the odd moment like this. It doesn't cancel out the frankly incredible job you're doing of supporting your dd.

What matters is how you handle it now. I would take it as an opportunity to have a slightly grown-up conversation with her - you can apologise for losing it, but also explain that all human beings have their frailties, not just children, and you don't love her any less for having snapped at her (I'm sure she knows that). I can't offer much advice about her anxiety because you're already doing everything I would have suggested.

I agree that it sounds like a mix of anxiety and bad behaviour. It sounds like she has become used to controlling those around her to a degree.

I would also have had trouble keeping my cool in the circumstances you describe and it might not be the worst thing in the world for her to begin to understand how her behaviour affects those around her. So far, she has just had to say "jump" and you've all responded "how high?". She's probably become used to getting things she wants and getting out of things she doesn't want to do.

Could her dad come and look after her at your house so you can go to work?

@stylishnot The card on the table is for toilet breaks, she got very anxious about asking to the point she'd wet herself so thats what it's for. It's to let the teacher know she's gone to the toilet, in case theres a fire. She doesn't wander the corridors or distrupt other lessons, she goes to the toilet then comes back.

She sounds very pandered to. If she hasn’t wanted her chosen breakfast then that’s it no breakfast. She’s 9, asking for cocoa pops then refusing to eat it is quite spoilt behaviour. She’s also old enough to make her own breakfast imo. She shouldn’t be given a choice re going to her dads. She shouldn’t be having tantrums and kicking your seat because she’s wasted your money again getting her pasta then she wants the McDonald’s. She needs firm boundaries. I don’t think you need to apologise but jusT make it clear in future what is and isn’t acceptable in terms of behaviour and how she speaks to you.

I have lived with exstream anxiety for nearly 30 years.
But i dont go kicking chairs and wanting my own way.
I totally agree with you.

This sounds so like ASD. My dd is 17 and would be like that. She was diagnosed at 16. She sounds very dysregulated and anxious. The throwing things around was a meltdown due to being overwhelmed. Girls are often incorrectly diagnosed with anxiety first, when in fact they are presenting with ASD. It’s a classic thing.

Shes not being bratty, or entitled, she’s seriously struggling. If you don’t act now she will end up in ASD burnout. Look at the Autistic Girls Network.

I think you have been more than patient! The pasta thing i dont think has anything to do with anxiety, she sounds like she changed her mind and wanted McDonald's and was being naughty! I really feel for you, your trying your best.

I disagree that her ‘brattish’ behaviour is not part of her anxiety. All behaviour is communication. Having anxiety probably makes her feel pretty unhappy on a day to day basis, and her unhappiness will be played out in unreasonable behaviour because she does not ever feel happy and relaxed. Adults on this thread saying their anxiety doesn’t make them do x, y or z is beside the point when you have several decades on this child and can regulate your emotions and comprehend your anxiety better.

That being said, OP, if you’re not seeing an improvement in her behaviour with your patience and the accommodations at school (how long has it been), it may be time to try a new intervention. Have you thought of contacting a child psychologist?

I agree all behaviour is communication.

So we have to figure out what it's communicating and teach skills to communicate better.

Not accept constant demands for things all the time and being kicked because she's changed her mind about what she wants to eat.

*stylish-not · Today 15:12

I cannot get over the card on the table when she wants to swap clubs or people she sits next to. Utter nonsense*

You clearly have no understanding of neuro divergence. My dd had this at 17, she couldn’t cope with changed seating plans. It was about helping her. Thank God you weren’t her teacher. Not that it made any difference, she crashed out if A levels with severe ASD burnout, because of attitudes like yours.

ExH didn't even turn up to pick her up, have texted him and he hasn't replied so I don't think she'll be going.

I've cancelled work for the day. I have no-one else to help me, no family members to have her over the weekends and a short notice babysitter would be more than I earn. One of the pitfalls of having left ExH.

I very rarely buy her things in the supermarket, she gets pocket money that she earns and can spend on magazines or sweets, I tend to buy other things though. She gets a flat rate of £10 on my payday each month as long as she's generally well behaved, helps round the house (so bed making, taking plates out, helping to prepare meals e.g. cutting up vegetables, boiling the kettle (but not pouring it) mixing etc., and generally tidying up after herself when she makes a mess). Breakfast I usually pour out whatever cereal she wants then she adds the milk, she does struggle with things like that. And she would usually have a piece of toast after it as we eat around 6am and then not again until 11.30/12pm.

She is not demanding at school oddly, apart from the anxiety which school are helping with which came about from school refusal she;s generally pretty quiet at school, has friends, keeps her head down and gets on with it, there are literally no issues with her in the classroom and she never gets upset when others get certificates.

We've had a chat about it, she has said sorry for kicking my chair. I expected to be told I'm an awful parent, she's spoilt etc. I knew it was coming but I will be cutting her pocket money by £2 for the behaviour today, which will hurt her as she's been asking me for another lol surprise cube thing which are £12 in our local b+m and she doesn't have enough left over from last month to be able to get it now.

I do genuinely believe she has anxiety, but I do think today most of it was pushing the boundaries.

I can tell you with absolute concrete certainty that I would have snapped too. You are human. It was a lot of provocation.

I agree with those suggesting autism / demand avoidance / PDA.

Whenever I see a child, especially a girl, with really extreme anxiety, I feel that’s a red flag for undiagnosed autism.

OP many of us who this post resonated with have suggested SEN/ND.

Has she ever been assessed? Do you know for sure she isn't neurodiverse?

Yabu to feel ashamed of yourself, op. You sound like you've been trying so hard to make life better for her. Everyone looses their temper from time to time. She needs to realise the impact her behaviour has on others. Dont be hard on yourself.