To be ashamed of myself for shouting at DD?

[ChildWithAnxietyAshamedofMyself]

DD is 9, and has been struggling with anxiety since Easter.

I have done everything I can to support her; changed the contact schedule with her dad to one that suits her better (from Fri to Sun to Sat to Mon) and therefore changed my work schedule to accommodate, I have had meetings with school to get as much put in place as we can in terms of in school support (and they have been brilliant, she’s allowed to go into class slightly early, allowed to leave slightly early at the end of the morning and at hometime, allowed to use the toilet when needed without asking (one of her anxieties) she just has to put a coloured card on her table which just has her name on, she’s been allowed to swap and change what clubs she goes to after school, choose who she sits by etc.) and school are prepared to help again and put more work in with her if/when needed, I’ve taken her to counselling organised by school, I’ve taken her out of out of school activities she said was causing her to feel scared, I’ve sat up at night with her when she’s woken me up worried about school or contact or anything the next day.

She is usually fine once she gets into something, she just says she doesn’t want to do it, and doesn’t want to try. Her dad and I have been apart since she was 18months old, divorced since she was 3 so it’s not a new situation for her there. She is fine once she gets to school and is in her classroom, academically she’s keeping up and doing fine, she just won’t go into her classroom given the option or onto the playground or come home from school – hence why she’s allowed in earlier and to leave earlier to prevent the embarrassment for her. She says she’s fine with her classmates, she has friends, has been invited to parties and is always saying she wants to go and if she does push herself to go she usually loves it. Same with Scouts which she was in until end of summer term, she would usually love it once there but would refuse to leave and cling to me. She is insisting that she's not being bullied and she's not afraid of anyone in particular.

Today has been a very bad day. My period started unexpectedly this morning so I have a headache and I had no pads. She refused to eat her breakfast she’d chosen (cocoa pops) so I changed it to toast which she also refused to eat. She then refused to go to her friend’s party. Drove all the way there with her refusing and me repeating “That’s fine but as you’ve told her you’re going and she’s expecting you we are taking the present to her”, got there and she refused to get out of the car so I went inside and explained to the host mum gave the present and we drove to her dads.

She refused to get out of the car, saying she didn’t want to go, I couldn’t make her and she wanted to just go home. Both her dad and I tried but gave up. Her dad said he’d come to ours later to try again so I had to text my manager to say I’d be starting work late.

Drove to the supermarket just to get pads, she moaned all the way round she was hungry so got her a pasta pot thing she insisted she wanted, didn’t have any cutlery on us so told her she’d have to wait until we got into the car.

On the way home she said she didn’t like the pasta she’d chosen having not opened it or eaten it and wanted mcdonalds instead, I said no we were going home to wait for her dad to pick her up. She moaned she wanted mcdonalds and to not go to dads then when I ignored her kicked the back of my seat.

I admit that I pulled into an empty carpark nearby, turned round and shouted at her that she was being ungrateful and she’d never get over her anxiety if she didn’t try things, that I was sick to death of spending money on things for her to then refuse to do it or for her to say she didn’t like what she’d insisted she wanted and she needed to start acting more grateful and trying to help herself or people would give up on her and her friends would stop inviting her to things because she always lets them down. And on and on and on I went.

I ranted for what seemed like ages, I didn’t swear, I don’t swear normally, but I was frustrated and more than a little upset with the morning we'd had an all my efforts being thrown in my face or so it felt.

We then drove home in silence and I walked into the house at home taking the shopping with me. Told her she could come in when she was ready.

She came in not long after me, slammed the car door shut and then stomped up to her room where I can hear her throwing her stuff around (she does this a lot) and shouting that she hates me.

I am ashamed of myself, I’m usually so calm and patient and loving towards her. I have suffered with anxiety in the past so I know how crippling it is, and is only 9 and learning.

I am so tired today, I was looking forward to finishing work and having a long hot bath and a glass of wine (I don’t drink when on my own with DD) but it’s now even less likely she’ll actually go to her dads and its my own fault.

You can tell me how awful I am, how ashamed I should be for shouting at a child with a mental health condition and how I must not like her or love her.

I do love her more than anything, which is why it breaks me she’s suffering.

You didn't yell at her for having an anxiety induced meltdown . Her meltdown was a tantrum because she wanted (not needed) macDonalds instead. If you had been shouting because she was having one of her anxiety attacks then you would BU. I don't think you are BU to give her a firm boundary . She can't have what she wants all the time that's not good for any child . Maybe wait a bit then schedule a Maccy D's treat for her another time just as a treat.

Love to you op ❤️

Go find her later, apologise and explain. It’s ok to be human and have these moments, the aftermath is the absolute most important thing. It may even help your bond and help understand each other more.

I've been where you are op , my dd suffered with intense anxiety,and still does to an extent, but she's a teenager now and manages hers with meditation , breathing exercises and yoga, but it's been a long hard struggle to get here.
She also refused to get in or out of the car, refused school, parties, everything , and we tried talking , being kind and understanding, completely losing our shit and screaming and crying and everything in between, eventually we paid for a private therapist , who was amazing , she would come to us the days dd refused to leave the house, dd would go there when she could, and though it was expensive, and we couldn't really afford it , it has been a life saver for us. You will find a way to help your dd, just be there when she wants to talk, be kind to yourself, it's bloody hard, when we don't know how to help the people we love most, but firm boundaries are needed regardless of anxiety and inappropriate behaviour doesn't become acceptable because of mental health,
best wishes!!

Nothing that has happened today sounds like anxiety, more like a child trying to rule the roost, hopefully you shouting will give her pause for thought.

Sounds like she's pandered to quite a lot and she likes the control. She kicks off whenever something doesn't go her away. I would have lost it a long time ago. She's never going to learn or cope in life if she has her way over everything.

She doesn't sound anxious in many of those scenarios. Very controlling. It's very sad that your 9 year old is screaming that she hates you .

she just has to put a coloured card on her table which just has her name on, she’s been allowed to swap and change what clubs she goes to after school, choose who she sits by etc.)

She is pandered to and she controls every situation. This is preparing her for absolutely nothing in Real life

The examples you gave are not about anxiety but about control.

It's really difficult but perhaps are you pandering too her much because you know she is anxious in general.

Eg breakfast if she didn't eat it
So what.
Certainly don't make her an alternative.

Going to her dad's.

She has no choice.
You have to go to work.

Might help discussing a plan with your ex about what to do when it happens again. Eg could you just leave your car there and he gets in the car
And off you go to work.

Go find her later, apologise

OP has nothing to apologise for. The child behaved badly then kicked the back of her mum's seat and her mum got angry. So child learns that pissing people off can make them angry.

Good life lesson.

She sounds like my niece- later diagnosed as autistic.

Exactly! Op shouldn't be pandering and apologising.

I think it would help you to separate out bad behaviour from anxiety behaviour.

People/children with mental health worries can also just be badly behaved.

Throwing things around her room.
Kicking your car seat.

These are not things because of mental health problems, they Re simply bad behaviour.

You need to be able to parent her.

Children get upset.

That's normal.

Children shout that they hate their parents.

Again completely, utterly normal.

You need to accept that she, and all children, will get upset at times. And that is an important part of being a parent.

I've lost it at my DC this morning too when they were just whining and shouting over everything. I'm usually a good parent I think, but if I'm tired or stressed it tips me over the edge and I shout more than I'd like. It sounds like you've done amazingly if this is the first time you've lost it! It's so so hard having a child that doesn't "fit the mould" at school.

OP still needs too be the adult and to make amends and reconnect. It's good modeling. She can apologise for ranting, even if DD behaviour was bad.

I tend to agree with this. She isn’t “anxious” about eating coco pops when she’s chosen them herself, she is being a pain and it is fine to set boundaries and say you picked it, you eat it or go without, up to you. She isn’t “anxious” about wanting a McDonalds, she’s just thought of it and wants it. She almost certainly isn’t “anxious” about not wanting to go to her dad’s, and tbh even if she is, she doesn’t get to choose not to go.

Anxious children need clear expectations and boundaries. X happens, and then Y happens, and then Z happens. You aren’t providing that at the moment.

This. Everyone is dancing around her but no one is actually doing her any favours. I can't believe she places a card on the table to change clubs, people she sits next to etc. Unbelievable.
Sounds like she's manipulating everyone around her.

If fact thinking about it. I wonder of her anxiety is actually being increased because she has complete control over what she does. Which is overwhelming for a child.

For example.

She has a choice about whether she goes to her dad's, because if she says no you take her home.

So she then gets overwhelmed about whether she actually wants to go or not.

Whereas if you keep to the strict schedule, and she isn't given a choice then she'll be less worried because she won't have to think about it.

@MustbeFeverTree I agree.
Too much choice is bad for children. It make's anxiety worse. What is best for them is guidance and structure.

It sounds more like control rather than anxiety from the examples you have given.

The breakfast... if she doesn't want her coco pops... that's fine. She chose them, doesn't want an alternative.... that's control not anxiety.
Same with the supermarket.... insisting she wants the pasta then decided she wanted McDonald's, kicked your seat because you said no... control.
The not going to her dads.... control!

I would speak with her and apologise for shouting at her but calmly explain how you are both going to move forward.

You’re not doing her any favours in the long run and you must be exhausted.
The majority of this is just bad behaviour.

ExH can be helpful but also not.

If he thinks he will get a weekend "off" from having her because she's kicking off he'll just say no.

He hasn't come to get her yet. I've let her calm down.

I think she probably was anxious in the supermarket and about the party but the rest was trying to get her own way. And I think disappointment about the party led to the rest. I have been there with my anxiety.

The school felt she was anxious about being knocked over, and she said herself she doesn't like having to wait if she's desperate for the toilet. These aren't permenant they can all be withdrawn easily and quickly.

We've talked, she's still refusing to go to her dads, so we'll see if he a) turns up and if he does b) he actually takes her with him.

I'd have lost my shit a long time ago to be honest OP so don't be hard on yourself

have to be honest her behaviour sounds less anxiety and more attention seeking ....with a smidgen of manipulating the situation to get what she wants

So now is the time to calmly tell her that if she doesn't want to go to her dads then you'll support that.

What you'll do instead is employ someone to come to the house to care for her at weekends so you can work and go out.

It's not an argument. It's not about stopping her making decisions. But it's about her not learning to control the situation.

She wants to stay home all weekend - fine.

But you don't have to!

OP still needs too be the adult and to make amends and reconnect. It's good modeling. She can apologise for ranting, even if DD behaviour was bad

Oh dear god.

My sympathies are with school staff who have to pander to all this "anxiety" nonsense.

Yes, model good conduct but within boundaries set by the parent e.g. kick the back of my car seat and you will be bollocked for it.

Of course you feel ashamed for losing it and shouting. Any decent parent would.

But you’re under great stress here. She needs an assessment and you need support.

Don’t blame yourself op. You are a normal human who gets tired! You sound like a great mum who has done everything possible to support their daughter.

A couple of things:

• why are you preparing alternative breakfasts? A natural consequence would mean that she prepares her own toast. She’s perfectly capable of doing that at nine years.
• with the party situation, you did everything right!
• apologise but explain that you are anxious FOR her, say it’s up to her, but if she doesn’t face life’s challenges little by little then her world will get smaller and smaller and then let her face the natural consequences of that
• overall I would stop being so hands on with her in every situation. At present she is getting lots of rewards for being anxious. Try and give her lots of attention when she is doing things that are brave.

Sometimes, especially with dc with ASD, they go through a period of time when they retreat in to anxiety which is especially bad, and they test us in every way possible to check we have their backs, before they feel secure enough in themselves to move forward in to the wider world.

You are doing a good job op and in the overall context of things, a bit of straight-talking, as long as you explain now that you were anxious and frustrated FOR her, because you love her, won’t do her any harm, in fact it might give her pause for thought and, as others have said, you laid down a boundary, which in fact might make her feel safe.