Don't want to go on holidays with mil every year

[Thequeenofthetypis]

I made the mistake of allowing the precedent to be set years ago, so now my mother in law comes on holidays with us every year.
I don't hate her, she's not awful. My kids love her and obviously oh loves her. BUT. I never really get to relax with her there, she's just a little passive aggressive and has some odd ways.
I'm trying to compromise with oh, whenever I've brought it up in the past he gets all teary eyed " sure she probably hasn't many years left...."
So my compromise is that the kids and I go for 1 week and he goes with mil for 2 ( because he wants to go for 2 weeks) I don't want to spend 2 weeks on holidays with my MIL, I just don't. I'm not mad or mean or unreasonable am I ????

We had this situation and one year we just told her we’re going on our own for just quality family time after a busy year. That then allowed us to set expectations for future holidays, and she came with us but usually every three years. Although I would add that my dh was onboard with this, and it sounds like yours isn’t. It was something we started to do after fil died because we felt sorry for her, but with hindsight we should have probably encouraged her to get a more independent life by going with friends etc. Can you perhaps just suggest going for a separate mini holiday with her, like a long weekend somewhere? Then use the two weeks just for you and dh/dcs?

This was going to be my suggestion. X

The irony of you repeatedly criticising OP's communication with her husband, when you can't even participate in this thread without being rude. Calling her pathetic and simpering, a "limp lettuce", being snarky when OP is 🤔 that you advance searched her, demanding to know whether she's taken your sage advice 🙄

OP it sounds like a nightmare and you've become a bit of a "boiled frog", accepting a situation that has evolved over many years and allowing other people to railroad you because you don't want to make a fuss. Not everybody is good at handling confrontation and unfortunately that tends to lead to situations like this, where your needs take a back seat (literally, in your case) to other people's because they are inconsiderate and are happy to let you languish at the bottom of the pile. You shouldn't have to advocate for yourself in a family because everyone should be considering the needs of all family members, but unfortunately your husband and his mother are selfish and manipulative. You are going to have to step out of your comfort zone and be direct with them to end this nonsense. Tell your husband that you expect a 1 week family holiday (no MIL) every year. That's non negotiable. He can then do what he wants with his other leave. He can spend it with his mother or watching sports. You don't need to go if you don't want to. As for her making rude comments about your body, that has got to stop. You need to get comfortable with calling her out on that. And whilst you shouldn't have to tell your DH to back you up, unfortunately yours is a mummy's boy who doesn't prioritise your happiness and well-being, so I would very directly tell him that you expect him to also immediately call her out if she does it in his presence.

To be honest I can't believe that there aren't lots of wider, day-to-day issues in a marriage with a man like this. So I think it's probable that these holidays are just a magnification of the problems in your relationship more generally. I mean, men don't tend to prioritise their wives and behave like considerate and supportive family men for 50 weeks of the year and then throw their entire personality out of the window and become a selfish man-child for the other 2. I think you would need to address the bigger issues if you want to create real and lasting change.

And theres your problem.

Hes a selfish bastard who put you last.

You come after his mother.
You come after his sport.

You are perfectly reasonable is saying you want a family holiday just with you and the kids.

HE makes the choice to go with his Mum or do his sport over and above you and the kids.

Call him on it.

Say he needs to demostrate he gives a shit and you don't come in third place.

(I bet he ditches his Mum over the sport).

Your mother in law might not have left.

But your children will only be child for a few short years. And he's pissing that away.

The sport event is the issue here.

Right.

I love my DH and children, but also go on day trips and international solo trips to get a break and recharge and I’m a much better person for it and for them afterwards. Not as many question it when fathers go off on their own, or ask about them spending time with their wife and kids.

You are a saint. You have never been on holiday without her? I just don’t get mothers-in-law who behave like this. My mum would never impose like this. My mil was not like this.

When I am hopefully a mother-in-law, I would not dream of coming on every single holiday, unless I was genuinely begged. How dare she assume she takes the front seat etc. Ugh.

Your husband is not helping the situation so you will have to be assertive. Stop being a doormat.

Tell your husband you’re having a holiday this year without your MIL.

End of discussion. Why does he always get to decide?

If there is endless fuss then you have your answer about where you sit in his list of priorities.

You need to tell your husband that you want one proper family holiday a year without mil and ‘get all teary eyed " sure we don’t have many years left with our children at home....".

You are a mug saint and there is no way I would do this.

Also, why does DH get such shit holiday?

DH can then take her on his sporting trips so she gets more time with him.

Perfect!

I think a better compromise is that you, oh and kids go for 2 weeks and MIL joins for second week. Oh can collect her from airport if helps.

Also try and train yourself to see her rude comments as her character flaw and not anyhing to be insulted by. (Easier said than done.)

so on the above basis can we safely assume that you have never been able to take your kids to disney??? I would make sure the next holiday is disney and if she goes she can just sit in hotel cos she wont want to walk all day. Is hubby an only child? Just how thick skinned can MIL be wanting to go away with you every single year? I would not be tolerating even one holiday with MIL. Holidays are supposed to be about getting away from everyone apart from your immediate family. As for her always sitting in the front passenger seat when OH drives, then that definitely did not happen with me even though hubby tried it! I just said a flat NO!!! your OH is not being considerate of you at all!! his immediate family is meant to be his priority and that only means you and the kids! She is now extended family

This sounds like a really difficult situation, it’s been happening for years and now it feels hard to get out of. Firstly - you have the right the say “no” - you do not have to have anyone on holiday with you if you don’t want it. And it is certainly not ok for your husband to guilt trip you “we don’t know how long she has left” - as this is manipulative. I personally would hate to have my MIL on holiday ever. You work hard, manage a family and you deserve time to fully relax on your own terms.

your OH has had things his way for far too long and it sounds like you’ve finally got fed up with it. So - how does it sound to say to OH “ mil has joined us for so many holidays, this year I want to have a family trip just us”. How do you imagine he will react? If he guilt trips you, doesn’t listen, refuses to allow you to get what you want, or reacts badly, then I think the issue is with him. A reasonable partner would understand how you feel and least compromise. It sounds like he and MIL are the core group and you and the kids just “join “ them on holiday. You, OH and the kids should be the primary family group.

Which end of 80s is MIL? If she's early 80s I wouldn't count on it that she doesn't have long left...

Next time she tries to shotgun the front seat, sit on her lap.

It honestly baffles me that you're finding this all so difficult? The answer is that you have a two week holiday and MIL attends a week or a weekend of it. DH can then sacrifice more of his time if he wishes to take her away again.

Take the two weeks.

Have week one with husband and kids.

Then she can join you for the second week. (Not the other way round as she may just not leave and your DH will support that).

“She might not have long left” yep, my husband said this when my MIL was 80.
She turned 96 in September.

The only solution is for you to say to DH that your aren’t going. No ifs or buts - you aren’t going.

He can then either take him mother and children or just his mother.

Either way he has to make that choice.

You book a separate holiday with the children and take the car!! You don’t have to explain anything to MIL about where you are going or when - just Sorry we’re away that week.

Your DH is the biggest problem here and you’re letting it happen to your own disadvantage.

To be honest it’s probably the way to go, just be polite and brief. Your arguments: DC are missing out on valuable family time and appropriate activities. MIL- suggest her joining to his sporting events. At a push as a last resort suggest weekend away with all of you and her.
Do your DC actually like grandma being there or is it that you are doing such an amazing job by entertaining them that they are just happy?
You are not a bitch, you are unrecognised saint and martyr of the Motherhood, both at the same time.

Be an awkward cow.
In my case it was my mum. Love her dearly. She came on hols with us for a few years after my Dad died. But I never really properly relaxed. So I did the hard job of resetting it.

If your dh wants a hol with his mum and the dc, he can organise it all, kids packing, travel, flights, accommodation etc.
Am assuming it's you who generally does all that? So happy to do that for the family hols, but if he wants a holiday with his mum, it's his responsibility!

Yanbu I’d not like this.

Can you just start inviting mil to a shorter weekend break holiday instead of the main holiday? Like a long weekend in a cottage somewhere type thing?

I would (and have in my own family) switch this around if I were you.

invite MIL on the short 4 days trip(s) over the summer but not on the big family 2 week holiday.