Don't want to go on holidays with mil every year

[Thequeenofthetypis]

I made the mistake of allowing the precedent to be set years ago, so now my mother in law comes on holidays with us every year.
I don't hate her, she's not awful. My kids love her and obviously oh loves her. BUT. I never really get to relax with her there, she's just a little passive aggressive and has some odd ways.
I'm trying to compromise with oh, whenever I've brought it up in the past he gets all teary eyed " sure she probably hasn't many years left...."
So my compromise is that the kids and I go for 1 week and he goes with mil for 2 ( because he wants to go for 2 weeks) I don't want to spend 2 weeks on holidays with my MIL, I just don't. I'm not mad or mean or unreasonable am I ????

What actually has a fixed expiry date is childhood. Your MIL might live another 5-10+ years, your children won't be the same and you won't be able to go back and make those memories.

You need to say to your husband that you would like to enjoy at least a 1-2 week holiday each year with just you as a family. The ages that your children are is precious, fleeting and you want to make lasting family memories without your MIL (and presumably the limitations brought by her age).

If your husband wants to prioritise his sporting event and his mother over this perfectly reasonable request, tell him frankly that he is damaging his marriage. You have the option, if he won't budge, to say that you simply aren't going on the holiday with MIL, as you would rather holiday by yourself with the children, like a separated couple. Obviously, only say this if it is what you would genuinely prefer (I wouldn't blame you!).

You can sympathise with his feelings about his mother, but they can't be allowed to unilaterally determine the parameters of your family life.

Don't make it about your MIL. This isn't about avoiding holidaying with her, but rather it's about making time for a holiday that's just with your husband and kids. It's then your husband's job to sort out other opportunities for holidaying with her.

Ideally he would also take her up on rude comments about your weight etc(!) but it's probably better to cross one bridge at a time...

Thanks @MoulinPouge I think that's definitely the route to go.
Thanks for the reminder @RefillfastI had forgotten about that.

When she makes a comment about diet just look her up and down raise and eyebrow and smirk. As if you are saying ‘you too mil’

1 week just you, DH and kids then MiL joins you for the second week. That's fair. I'd be pointing out it's fair to DH. You, missing out on a week's holiday with your DH and kids, is not fair.

No you don't. It's sounds like a chore. She's using emotional blackmail.

Did you advance search me to see how long I've been complaining about MIL?? 😆
Around 14 years give or take, since dd was born, probably quite a few names changes since then!

Wow he has enough holiday for regular sport events but you've never been on a family holiday?

He's very good at looking after himself isn't he?

You need to get better at prioritising yourself.

No way would I go on a second holiday with someone who made negative comments about my body!

@TeaKitten, actually offering diet tips when she sees OP in her swim costume is mean. I'd probably say nobody asked for your snide comments if my MiL ever made comments like that to me. It can't be nice being relegated to the back seat with MiL in the front either. OP should drive then leave her DH to sit in the back.

It seems the most obvious answer is to do half the holiday with her and half without. That’s what we used to do. A dual stop holiday makes this easier to organize.

Your MIL sounds like the bitch - not you. OP YANBU at all! No holidays ever without your bloody MIL tagging along? That's awful and your DH is a spineless blob for facilitating such an arrangement. I'm also not impressed with him for not standing up for you when his DM gives you 'diet tips'. If my DM did that to DH I'd tell her to pack it in. So why doesn't he? Honestly, I'd put my foot down, if it was me. I'd maybe agree to a short trip away with her each year, but our main holiday would be the four of us. With 21 days there should be enough to do that, plus your DH's sports weekends?

Next time, she offers you diet tips, tell her my weight is none of your business

How about you spend half the holiday all together with MIL and then you come home on your own for the rest of it!

enjoy some time to yourself- see your mates, get your nails done or whatever.

eveyone happy!

use the situation to your advantage
@Thequeenofthetypis

The 2 week holiday should be you, your DH and the children, especially if her limited mobility is restricting what the children can do. It’s not fair that the children are missing out.

You can then arrange a long week holiday which includes MIL and is more geared to what she can manage.

DH can then take her on his sporting trips so she gets more time with him.

How would he feel going on holiday with your mum every year? He should do a week with your mum because that's how long you tolerate his.

"My weight is none of your business and if you ever speak to me like that again, it will be the last time I'm in your company. Being invited on our family holiday is a privilege, not a right" Stick to it.

You might seem unreasonable but you have to become the problem as you are making it easy for your husband here by accepting the status quo that MIL goes on holiday with you.

You have some options, just say hell no she's not coming- or go for one of those compromises with one week with/one without and have a lovely time yourself child free - or just become a nightmare - if she is rude about your weight, make a lot of it, storm off, demand an apology. Grab the front seat first. Insist on doing the activities that you want to do that don't suit MIL and insist DH comes too as would be normal in a family holiday.

Assert yourself. It's not unreasonable although your DH/MIL will make you feel that it is.

@EvelynBeatrice love it!

You'd think so, but for some MILs there seems to be a triumph in getting their son (pretty sure it's more about sons) to do what THEY want, I suppose a need to show they matter more than others. Speaking from experience. My DH has just invited his mum here for Christmas, without talking to me first. We don't have a guest room/bathroom, do not have live TV, and cannot possibly heat the house to her preferred equatorial temperature. I'm not very Christmassy and do not cook turkey/pigs in blankets etc that she will expect, so just leaving him to work it all out.

@Fifteenth

she lives with them she spends loads of time with them.

op can go home and leave them all to it for the second half of the holiday and enjoy some time to herself! Get her nails done or whatever she wants! Winner

whenever I've brought it up in the past he gets all teary eyed " sure she probably hasn't many years left...."

Respond with ‘we don’t have many years left with the children being young and I would like them to have some memories of ‘our’ family holidays’.

As a child we would have holidays involving grandparents but not all of them. And certainly not by that age. My parents come on some holidays with DC and DH now but last holiday didn't really work due to different needs. We have one more family holiday booked next year but that's likely to be the last!
I'd just book a holiday for the 4 of you and deal with Mil afterwards. You are not being unreasonable in wanting a holiday without her. It totally changes the dynamic.

Your pathetic husband is putting his mother before you and your kids. Just no. Time to start putting in boundaries.