Don't want to go on holidays with mil every year

[Thequeenofthetypis]

I made the mistake of allowing the precedent to be set years ago, so now my mother in law comes on holidays with us every year.
I don't hate her, she's not awful. My kids love her and obviously oh loves her. BUT. I never really get to relax with her there, she's just a little passive aggressive and has some odd ways.
I'm trying to compromise with oh, whenever I've brought it up in the past he gets all teary eyed " sure she probably hasn't many years left...."
So my compromise is that the kids and I go for 1 week and he goes with mil for 2 ( because he wants to go for 2 weeks) I don't want to spend 2 weeks on holidays with my MIL, I just don't. I'm not mad or mean or unreasonable am I ????

Also tried this. She sits in the back when I drive so he can have the front.

Drop the rope. Wtaf? DH gets a two week child free holiday every year? When do you get the same free time?

I would stop all holidays without him. The kids can go with him and MiL.

Of course he almost lost one at the airport, he needs to look totally useless and not able to look after his kids when he's alone!

We are going on a two week holiday as a family, your Mum can join us for one of them or not at all. We have never had a family holiday alone, and now’s the time for us to be prioritised.

I'm starting to think @Refillfast is my Sister, she thinks I'm mad for putting up with it too 😂
Hi Sis waves

After reading the rest of your posts I'd be holidaying without your husband and your MIL.

I feel for you op, having been in a similar position myself. I agree you need to talk to your husband and highlight the sacrifices you've made already. It's his turn now. She could live another decade easily, and you deserve a holiday without. She's done well to have so many holidays with you so far. Your enjoyment counts too!

My mum joins us for a few days of our holiday each year. DH gets on well with her most of the time but she does restrict what we can do due to her health/age, so we plan the more active things for when she’s not there. Even when with us though we might have a few hours where we do something like long walk and she doesn’t.

She doesn’t think it’s odd that we don’t invite her for whole holiday, she knows we need time as family and that her being with us restricts what we can do.

As for you sitting in the back, get DH to do that and you drive? That’s what we do, I sit in the back as easier for mum to get into front seat.

And as PP have said, DH has to learn to cope and DD should give him one more chance to get it right. Or,as we usually do, get MIL to come for few days in middle of holiday so you’re still there for both sets of travel.

Long weekend away with MIL somewhere in the UK. Job done.

Sorry but you're the parents. You just tell that child you'll join them for one week and the other week is a holiday without you. The child doesn't get to decide!!
As I said, I join MIL for one week and then I come home and DH and the kids do another week with my MIL. My son is a real mummy's boy and he always complains I'm not there for the second week. But tough! That's how it is. Of course, as soon as I'm gone he's fine and they have a brilliant holiday without me.

Sit in the back of the seat no way. We took MIL on holiday this year but have told her quite clearly we are going alone next year. Nicely. We suggested she goes on holiday with some friends.
J would rather not go on holiday!

I would reframe it to him as you only have X amount of years left with young children, children at home etc. Family holidays are important (IMO), and you and your kids are missing out and there isn't much time to put it right.

There is no way I would put up with this. His wants get to dictate your family life.

I think you should look at some way of getting across how one sided this all is. Maybe couples counselling or something but I would be seriously questioning how invested he was in you and the dc s his sports and mum seem to be prioritised

Is he like this at other times?

For a start I would be refusing a holiday with mil until you had a family holiday and then I would insist on holidays with your family coming as well as her or alternating with her

This

Your MIL is doing nothing wrong here.

Err, hardly trying to ingratiate herself with diet tips to OP when she wears a swimsuit.
The car seat - appreciate it's irritating, but possibly mobility issues?

week you & the children, week with DH, week DH/MIL/Children while you go home to relax.

How old are your DC? With a MIL who is entering her 80s when the DC get in to their teens this is going to work less and less as we found.

We sometimes used to holiday with PILs. Not every holiday by any means, but probably every other. It was fine, we got on well and they liked having time with DD. When they were still young enough for FIL to drive abroad they would have their own car so some days we could do our own thing.

But then one holiday we realised it wasn't as fine anymore. They were late 70s/early 80s, MIL in early stages of dementia and neither of them as mobile as they were and wanting early nights and easy days etc. Suddenly it was apparent that the whole holiday was going to have to be geared around their needs and limitations. This was frustrating enough for us on what was our main family holiday, but also very unfair on DD who was 16.

That was the last time we all went away together. Actually it would have been too difficult anyway as Mils condition progressed. But we started doing a different sort of holiday that we loved and DD enjoyed doing with us for quite a few more years in to her 20s.

If your holidays continue with MIL I can see a time when it is not just you who is fed up but probably your teen DC not wanting to go either.

This is so true. This is very much at the back of my mind, in a few years our own kids won't want to come with us anymore. Or will come but hide in their rooms like vampires. I will frame it like this to oh. I definitely have an oh problem. I don't know if he doesn't get it or just doesn't care.
Anyway, I appreciate all the input. I don't simper and I'm neither pitiful nor pathetic 🙄 I may need to work on my communication but fortunately my self esteem is in good health.

It always amazes me that MILs, as women, don’t have a little more self-awareness, and don’t give their relatives a bit of space?

I know how you feel, as I got suckered in just the same and I suddenly realised the only holiday we had had on our own was our honeymoon and it was like taking a teenage child with us.
COVID helped as when things opened up she was still a little vulnerable so didn’t come and it was bliss! That helped set the precedent. To be honest I was fed up with having to find holidays that suited an older person and my children/now teenagers. Now I stick to it. DH did the whole she’s old thing and won’t come for much longer; I’m just no, I’ve done it for 20 years and in that time we had had 1 holiday without her. I want to enjoy my children whilst I still have them. You need to talk to your DH.

Take MiL on a weekend break and have a two week family holiday just your family.
You could even get away with two a year, spring and autumn and still have your holiday away.
I would hate having MiL tagging along, having to put up with nasty comments and sitting in the back of the car. And I would be stating that to DH.

No, it is not.

Start taking the two week holiday without MIL and then he can ditch the sporting events in favour of one week without the kids and with his mum.

That way, you're not stopping him holidaying with his mum, it's just his choice between sports or his mother.

I bet he's not so keen on that; which will show exactly where his priorities are.

@5foot5 They are early teen and preteen and this is exactly what is starting to happen. I think for the early years it was fine, but in recent years it has become more uncomfortable ( literally and metaphorically!)
We are quite restricted in where we go and what we do because of Mils mobility. I try to bring the kids places myself but if I take the car she insists on coming ( for the drive) So on the last holiday we took local buses and left her and oh at home.