In-laws should be more sensitive about 11+

105 replies

OnlyFrog · 21/10/2023 05:55

I’ll start by acknowledging this is definitely a first world problem.

So, back in their day my husband and his parents all passed the 11+ and went to grammar schools. All very bright and successful in their academic careers.

I did not pass the 11+, which was a painful blow for years, but I went to the local comprehensive, got As and A GCSEs, 4As and A level (no A *available back then), got a first in a science degree at Oxford, PhD, then did graduate medicine and now working as a doctor.

We currently live in a non-grammar school area but DH said we could consider moving over the county boundary to an area with grammar schools.

We were chatting about this with his parents who are pro moving and say there are lots of benefits to grammar schools. I said I didn’t want the kids to go through the 11+ as i think it does a lot of emotional harm if you don’t pass. MIL said the kids are bright so no reason why they shouldn’t pass!

I was annoyed by this as it seems to imply that not passing means you’re not bright.

DH thinks I’m being too sensitive to take it that way. I just felt insulated and annoyed that they can’t see the harm in selecting on a single test. I also don’t like the way they put down comprehensives as being for less bright kids. I am so grateful to my teachers for all their support.

AIBU to be pissed off and think they should be more sensitive?

OP posts:

ScaryHellscape · 21/10/2023 17:00

whiteroseredrose · 21/10/2023 16:19

I'd want the most appropriate school for my DC, regardless of my own history. Schools have changed a lot in the past 20 years.

In the OP's shoes I'd want to have a look at what the different schools have to offer and get a feel for them. Most will have open days every year. Which would suit the DC best? Are they strong on the arts, languages or science?

That might help with the decision as to whether the Grammars would be worth moving for.

If there is a great school that would really suit your DC, but they need to take an exam, would you say no because they may or may not pass?

That only really works if there is a great secondary modern in catchment as well, as if the DC don’t pass then that’s where they will be going. And you won’t know that until October of Y6.

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 17:37

I do think that supporters of grammar schools, particularly if their own children attend them, have to turn a blind eye to the huge negatives of the system for the majority of children.

NalafromtheLionKing · 21/10/2023 17:41

I would say they were just trying to be reassuring. You’re clearly extremely bright so should try just to forget about your experience with the 11+ (either you had a bad day or the examiner did, but it certainly didn’t disadvantage you in the long run).

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 24/10/2023 09:20

It’s worth mentioning that passing the 11-plus may well have been easier a few decades ago, before the Greenwich Ruling, which meant that out-of-borough children were equally entitled to sit the exam and attend the grammars. (Just two here, a boys’ and a girls’).

There was an undertaking that (for a while at least) anyone whose child would have passed before the Greenwich Ruling, but failed to afterwards, would be informed of this.

Here, the ruling came in in between dds sitting the 11 plus. Dd1 was awarded a place straight away, but when it came to dd2, she was put on the waiting list, and we were told that under the old system she would have got a place straight away.
She was in fact offered a place quite quickly, but I couldn’t help wondering about anyone who wasn’t - how would they feel to have salt rubbed into the wound, so to speak.

HowdidImanagetohavetwoaccountaandthenloseboth · 24/10/2023 09:40

I do think that supporters of grammar schools, particularly if their own children attend them, have to turn a blind eye to the huge negatives of the system for the majority of children

This 100%

The trouble is the perception and reality of other schools in areas where there are grammar schools . They are generally poor ,seem to fail often and have poor reputations. All because of the grammar school system. So the parents and DH are basing their perception on their own experience . They assume as many do in grammar school areas, that their offspring will get in and don’t give a fudge about the other schools and have a jaded view on what comprehensive means which in their eyes = poor school.

I went to a grammar school and I hate that system . My siblings didn’t . One got into a fee paying school, the other who looking back had SEN , didn’t and was failed by the school system . Growing up for me , immersed in that system, I know I was completely jaded . It was only when I met my husband who went to a truly comprehensive school I learnt that actual proper comprehensives do exist ! And I know many people who still live in a GS area who think that way still!

Frankly I am shocked at the voting on here ( 60/40) . Mumsnet must be so pro grammar schools yet the system stinks for those many who don’t make it . I was so grateful that my children grew up in an area where there are no grammars and so the comprehensive schools are truly comprehensive .

Stick to your guns OP , you are right!

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