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Original poster

How to deal with my 5 year old’s disappointment at not winning star of the week?

113 replies

Peachballoon · 20/10/2023 18:12

The child who wins star of the week gets to take home the class teddy for the weekend.
He started reception six weeks ago and two of the friends he plays with have won it, plus four others and he’s really gutted each Friday, in tears and angry, saying “why don’t I ever get it?!”

I do suspect he is ND, as he shows traits, but we haven’t had an official diagnosis as yet.

I’m just wondering how anyone else manages this kind of thing?

OP posts:
anonimoxyz · 20/10/2023 18:22

This kind of post comes up every year. Star ot the week is a teacher ploy to get the naughty kids in line for the first few weeks. Remind him there are 30 kids in his class so at least 24 also haven't been the star yet and just to keep trying

AvengedQuince · 20/10/2023 18:24

Remind him there are 30 children and they will all eventually get it in turn.

AvengedQuince · 20/10/2023 18:25

Trouble is you can't tell them it's usually the children who need the most encouragement who usually get it early on!

BoohooWoohoo · 20/10/2023 18:29

His turn will come but 💐 to your son for having to endure this practice which is 💩 for most. How many boys are in the class? If there are 6 boys who haven't won it yet then hopefully your son will get his turn by Christmas.

Flora56 · 20/10/2023 18:31

It won’t be the only reward. Focus on everything else. If your child hasn’t received anything positive at all then have a word with the teacher to find out why.

If there’s a teddy to take home, then it’s partly about parental engagement. There might even be a list to work through, rather than it being earned. Weekly rewards don’t particularly support class management - it’s the small instant stuff like verbal praise, stickers, house points, table points etc that actually have impact.

Original poster
Peachballoon · 20/10/2023 18:34

There are also sticker charts and he has one sticker left before he can choose something from the box (some small toys in there I think) a few of his friends have already filled their chart so he was disappointed about that too. He’s only got one more to get on it though.

He told me he won worker of the week on the second week too, but they don’t get anything for that, just recognition.

OP posts:
sunshineandskyscrapers · 20/10/2023 18:52

This was my son this time last year. I let his teacher know the effect it had on my son, which was significant enough that it was casting a dark cloud over our weekends. This didn't have much effect on the teacher until several other parents said the same, and then the teddy started coming home in register order for those who hadn't had him. The other thing I did, and I wish I'd done it earlier, was buy him a lovely teddy and give it to him when he came out one Friday.

One other thing you could do is buy a copy of the book Punished by Rewards and give it to the school. I didn't have the nerve for this, but I have pointed out when their strategies, like this one, don't align with their therapeutic behaviour policy.

jannier · 20/10/2023 18:56

How do you deal with other situations like it's not your birthday, he can't go somewhere he wants to etc?

Fifireee · 20/10/2023 18:58

Tell the teacher. Every child will get it. But if it’s causing anxiety tell the teacher and they will make sure your child is next.

bossybloss · 20/10/2023 18:58

AvengedQuince · 20/10/2023 18:25

Trouble is you can't tell them it's usually the children who need the most encouragement who usually get it early on!

You can, kind of . My daughter was slightly older but I eventually told her that she was self motivated but other children need a bit of a helping hand to achieve or be good! It worked x

Smartiepants79 · 20/10/2023 19:00

You tell your child that sometimes it’s their turn for things and sometimes it’s not. He’s got a long way to go through life yet. Sometimes he’ll get picked sometimes he’ll come first, sometimes he’ll get noticed, sometimes he’ll be better at it….
Sometimes he won’t.
Children need to learn resilience, they need to learn that somethings are worth getting in a tiz about and somethings aren’t. He’s one of at least 25 other kids who have all been a bit disappointed to not get their go today.
You can’t always fix things for him. It’s extremely unhelpful for him to think that you can. He will get disappointed sometimes. That’s life.

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 19:02

I’d just reassure him he’ll get a turn and distract him with your weekend plans.

Remind him everyone who gets the award deserves it but that you all have to take turns.
Praise him for a few things he’s done in the week when you’re sat round the dinner table?

Its a good life lesson and won’t damage him Everyone is disappointed sometimes- it’s not actually helpful to sheild him from all negative feelings.

He won’t always be the winner at school, sports, games or life!

Smartiepants79 · 20/10/2023 19:02

Fifireee · 20/10/2023 18:58

Tell the teacher. Every child will get it. But if it’s causing anxiety tell the teacher and they will make sure your child is next.

I bloody well hope they wouldn’t make sure he was next just because mummy threw her Teddy out the pram. What if 5 mothers all did the same thing? What then?
Tell him to do his best again next week and see how he gets on.
A treat at home for a good weeks effort would be a better idea.

Flora56 · 20/10/2023 19:03

sunshineandskyscrapers · 20/10/2023 18:52

This was my son this time last year. I let his teacher know the effect it had on my son, which was significant enough that it was casting a dark cloud over our weekends. This didn't have much effect on the teacher until several other parents said the same, and then the teddy started coming home in register order for those who hadn't had him. The other thing I did, and I wish I'd done it earlier, was buy him a lovely teddy and give it to him when he came out one Friday.

One other thing you could do is buy a copy of the book Punished by Rewards and give it to the school. I didn't have the nerve for this, but I have pointed out when their strategies, like this one, don't align with their therapeutic behaviour policy.

That’s a nice idea. Maybe have a small treat, that you both decide on, for him to look forward to. Something positive to start the weekend that changes his focus.

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 19:07

Yeah don’t tell the teacher “he has anxiety and you want him to be next”. How embarrassing if you felt entitled to do that!

He’s a bit disappointed that’s all.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2023 19:12

It's a really SHIT idea for the star of the week "prize" to be the teddy going home. There should be no connection between the two as a cuddly toy is too "emotional" an object to be a prize for behaviour. I think any teacher that thinks this is a good idea can't have much empathy with little ones. Star of the Week is one thing but Teddy going home should be picked out of a hat. Children love the whole "luck" thing of picking out of a hat and they can see that it's a fairer way to do things.

Star of the Week can be a thing. But the teacher (and you) should explain to the children that there can only be one a week and that everyone will get a turn and they must be patient as their turn will come. Teacher should also give out daily stickers to children for smaller behaviour and other achievements so that children feel recognised while "waiting for their turn" at Star of the Week.

How you approach that as a parent I don't know. With my kids I just tended to offer a brisk "Ah never mind, your turn will come. I'm sure you did lots of good things this week in school and the teacher will have noticed that but they can't give Star of the Week to everyone. You're MY Star of the Week EVERY week. So every Friday we can do something nice." And then discuss what their treat may consist of.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2023 19:14

Oh, and the more astute kids quickly realise that school rewards are essentially a way to get the naughty ones to behave (as others have said on this thread). I remember my eldest realising this and telling me and then the allure of Star of the Week lessened!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2023 19:17

Fifireee · 20/10/2023 18:58

Tell the teacher. Every child will get it. But if it’s causing anxiety tell the teacher and they will make sure your child is next.

Nah, you'd just get parents telling each other this "trick" and then they'll all be approaching the teacher claiming their kid has anxiety about it. Or that they think it's unfair.

AppleKatie · 20/10/2023 19:24

You’d hate my DCs school OP. My DS was told in week 1 this HT that star of the week is not an equal opportunities prize and they definitely aren’t guaranteed to get it, it goes on merit each week.

My DS has had it twice so far 😬😱
I’m not sure it’s helping him socially but he is delighted… at the moment.

Seriously the best thing you can do is play down the importance at home. It really isn’t a big deal and they do have to learn to let the small stuff go at school.

just to balance this post before I get accused of some mad bragging about primary school excellence, my other older DC has never had it.

Flora56 · 20/10/2023 19:24

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2023 19:14

Oh, and the more astute kids quickly realise that school rewards are essentially a way to get the naughty ones to behave (as others have said on this thread). I remember my eldest realising this and telling me and then the allure of Star of the Week lessened!

I’d personally say that I give rewards to show the children I value them and their contribution. Verbal praise, stickers, points, stamps, certificates and notes home are all effective rewards.

I will be honest and say it’s also about behaviour management, because I have 30 children that I’m often teaching on my own and I need them to listen, contribute, engage and learn. It’s not just the ‘naughty ones’ that need managing, it’s all of them.

Good behaviour management is obviously based on a positive relationship in which pupils are confident and interested in engaging teaching, however teachers are humans, well meaning, but imperfect humans who sometimes use a sticker to get everyone to listen!!

TravellingT · 20/10/2023 19:27

This is a great opportunity to teach him to be resilient

Explain every child will get their turn, and those who behave the best/do the best work/are kind or whatever get it

PurpleElf · 20/10/2023 19:28

Let him known it’s ok and totally natural to be disappointed. Listen to how he feels. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t try to distract him or minimise his feelings. Let him have his feelings - they are normal. They will pass.

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 19:29

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/10/2023 19:14

Oh, and the more astute kids quickly realise that school rewards are essentially a way to get the naughty ones to behave (as others have said on this thread). I remember my eldest realising this and telling me and then the allure of Star of the Week lessened!

I don’t agree with promoting sour grapes.

And Not really helpful if they win Star of week a few days after telling them that. 🤣

HeyMicky · 20/10/2023 19:30

AvengedQuince · 20/10/2023 18:25

Trouble is you can't tell them it's usually the children who need the most encouragement who usually get it early on!

Of course you can. I've always been clear with my DDs that everyone gets a turn. And that if they are a pupil who are easy to "catch" doing the right thing, they'll either be early in the year while others are settling, or in the last few weeks because there will always be something to reward. We make a point of celebrating the specific language used and behaviour acknowledged so it doesn't diminish the value of the reward.

SahliJ · 20/10/2023 19:31

Can you show him visually.

Make a table with all class names on and get him to tick off each week. He can really see all of the others. It isn't just him that isn't getting a turn just yet.

A chance also to chat about it and build his patience and resilience.