How to deal with my 5 year old’s disappointment at not winning star of the week?

[Peachballoon]

The child who wins star of the week gets to take home the class teddy for the weekend.
He started reception six weeks ago and two of the friends he plays with have won it, plus four others and he’s really gutted each Friday, in tears and angry, saying “why don’t I ever get it?!”

I do suspect he is ND, as he shows traits, but we haven’t had an official diagnosis as yet.

I’m just wondering how anyone else manages this kind of thing?

As others said his turn will come

It's been 6? Weeks and one half a term

He has another 5.5 terms to go

So 38w ish of school and 30mins in a class

Write down the names of class and who got it and cross them off

Show him the other 24(if 30) who haven't got I including his self

Well I wouldn’t say that in the playground at pick up unless you want to commit social suicide.😂

Its simply not the way many teachers use Star of the week. It’s not my experience- each child had their turn to be recognised for their achievements (however big or small)

I doubt op would agree considering both of her sons friends have received their award already!

Sorry to say I disagree with lots of these posts. In my experience its not just "naughty" kids who get rewards. They go to kids who have done something great that week- taking into account the context of that child's normal behaviour and attainment. Obviously as it gets to the end of the class list teachers will make sure all children get one.

As for thereputic thinking- I think it has some good principles. However the school I teach at went down the whole no sanctions and no rewards route. Children were meant to be intrinsically motivated to behave and do their best.
What actually happened is behaviour became shocking and the children who usually worked hard became quite demoralised. Everyone hated it!
I've actually gone back to using stickers and table points and I have a happier and more productive class! They are still motivated to do their best but everyone likes to be acknowledged and get a pat on the back-even adults!
I think we really underestimate children if we think they can't understand about fairness and turn-taking! Your child will get their turn and feel really proud when they do.

Totally disagree with you on multiple fronts and I think you missed my point.

Yes, you don't always get what you want but usually there's a good reason. Someone's more qualified, someone performed better, some kind of logical reason.

What's not fair is an arbitrary system whereby a child doesn't understand why they weren't picked and therefore may internalise "I'm not good enough".

My kids don't have ice cream at every meal, TV for hours etc for good reasons. It's bad for their health and would mean they'd lack enough sleep to function properly. That's completely rational and my 5 year old (even my 2 year old) understands and accepts that.

But creating competition in class isn't fair. School shouldn't be about being better than others - it's an institution to enable our young people to learn in the best way they can. To gain skills and make social bonds.

A sticker for all children at the end of the week would acknowledge that each child has worked hard (their hardest) and it reinforces that working hard is a good thing. Yes, some kids may not have performed or behaved as well as others but that's not the point.

I regulaly give my kids stickers for good behaviour, they really couldn't care less who else gets a sticker (and actually they will get one for their sibling if the sibling hasn't realised) they're just chuffed that they get one. You don't have to be the only one getting something to appreciate it. Sometimes it's even more satisfying when you share a good moment with your friends and family. Your view that it would feel better if you're the only one getting it just isn't the case for lots of people.

Yes these things are shit for those who struggle to conform. It just highlights that on the teachers eyes they are failing.. I would mention to teacher he is struggling tho.

Yeap this my DD discovered this rather quickly.

There are 30 x 5yos in one class? I'm not in UK. We would have a maximum of 15.

A couple of teachers I worked with in Early Years used class lists to make sure no one was left out. They asked the staff if anyone had stood out this week and why, put the date next to their name and, over the course of the school year, through merit certificates, special awards and star of the week, every child was acknowledged several times. There were several demanding parents demanding to know why their child hadn’t received anything by October half term but some children take longer to settle or to show what they can do but most had received something by Christmas. It was scrupulously fair.

I genuinely have no regrets about speaking to the teacher, although for the OP, my advice would be to leave it until after Christmas at least.

My 5 year old had definitely sussed herself it was some of the more challenging kids who were receiving it, which made it more confusing for her. Some people mentioned upthread about it discouraging resilience. DD is ultra competitive, that's why is was bothering her so much I think. In her eyes she was doing what she was told so was getting upset because she thought she must be getting it "wrong" to not have won it.

When I brought it up in the Easter term, I don't think the teacher had been keeping a list of who'd received it, so there was every chance DD wouldn't haven't got it the entire year. For some kids, this will really bother them, and if something else was bothering my child about school, I would bring it up, so why not this?

I think (although I didn't say this to the teacher) even a smattering of an understanding of behavioural science would tell you this sort of reward system isn't a great idea. Ironically, we have something similar in work where in the team meeting, you flag up a colleague who has done something great or helpful that week. Some of the team work in small project groups and others in more standalone roles. Guess whose names never get put forward? The project groups nominate between themselves. And although we are old enough and ugly enough to be "above" this, people hate it, and as there are seniors in the meetings, are very conscious that their names are never called. It's totally misleading too, as I'd assess some of the singleton post holders as the higher performing staff.

Hi op, my dd is 6 and ND. The Ed Psych came to see her on Thurs and says she has Performance Anxiety which I understand can be a feature of both ASD and ADHD. She constantly fixates on her performance relative to others and over time it builds and builds. In a school environment, where there's still quite a lot of focus on achievement (Star of the Week, attendance rewards etc) it's a tricky environment for ND kids.

I agree with showing him visually how many are in the class and how many stars of the week that represents. This really helps our dd put things into context. They can't do this easily at such a young age.

The Ed Psych is also going to be recommending strategies that focus on rewarding effort rather than achievement. This can include bouncing back from disappointments (resilience building) and overcoming stage fright etc.

Could you let him have a special Friday dinner or something for handling disappointments, such as not being star of the week?

@SmileyClare - 😅 well of course you are right about the social suicide bit but I’ve seen both my DC go through school (primary and secondary) being over-looked time after time because they were just average, well-behaved kids who just got on with their work. My DD’s bf at the time constantly got given awards because she was loud and v confident and made sure she was always on the teacher’s radar. If on the odd occasion she didn’t get chosen for one she would sulk and her parents would be on to the school to complain!

I always pointed out to my children that it's the children who aren't doing so well or aren't behaving well who get the stars, because they're to encourage them. Children who're already doing their best and working hard don't need them. (Then I'd get them a small gift or even print out a certificate for them to show they're appreciated!)

I'm baffled that so many people on here either think it's the 'naughty' kids or the ones that aren't doing so well that get the star of the week award first, or if that is the case, what rubbish schools/teachers are out there!
Speaking from experience, we decided collectively eg teacher/TA/ANA who they felt stood out that week, a good piece of work or had done something kind, been a good friend, whatever. We certainly didn't prioritise the struggling or disruptive pupils first.
Having said that, we had lots of rewards for various things as well as dojo points etc, so there was a high turnover of children getting a reward of some description!
If a parent came in after six weeks asking for their child to be next, we'd have been rolling our eyes. What about the other 20 odd kids in the class?!

True @Storynanny1 , management will insist because of the aim to control students. It’s understandable in many ways, it’d be good however if the SMT were doing so consciously.

There's research showing that exterbnal rewards inhibit learners' self motivation as they only want the reward and stop seeing the inherent value and satisfaction in completing the work

The evidence on external incentives is v mixed at best. They ‘work’, but not always the way intended and more so for some than others. Plus, the short term positive impacts (as in managing behaviour) come at the cost of longer term negative outcomes. Rewards and incentives can reinforce positive behaviours for more able students and more for girls but lead to negative long term outcomes for less able students and less for boys (though I despise the phrase of being ‘able’ in the context of British education).

Example of mixed results: One piece of research found that paying children to read per book did indeed increase reading, but what was happening was that children read v simple books considerably below their reading age in order to max the number of books. What is actually being taught here? At a push, I’d say to become a good little capitalist valuing increased revenue over a love of books.

But… they ‘work’ in the short term and I do have sympathy for teachers being given a formidable task of hitting targets in larger classes in an era of austerity, reduced resources and increased bureaucracy. As I say, it’d be nice if SMT were aware of the long term negative impacts and honest about the reasons for doing it.