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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to deal with my 5 year old’s disappointment at not winning star of the week?

113 replies

Peachballoon · 20/10/2023 18:12

The child who wins star of the week gets to take home the class teddy for the weekend.
He started reception six weeks ago and two of the friends he plays with have won it, plus four others and he’s really gutted each Friday, in tears and angry, saying “why don’t I ever get it?!”

I do suspect he is ND, as he shows traits, but we haven’t had an official diagnosis as yet.

I’m just wondering how anyone else manages this kind of thing?

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 20/10/2023 19:33

I don’t agree with promoting sour grapes.

And Not really helpful if they win Star of week a few days after telling them that.

But that poster didn't tell her child, her child worked it out. You can't really stop a child working it out if that is indeed what happening.

In reception though, I'd imagine that any decent teacher would make sure that everyone got it once before anyone got it twice.

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 19:34

sunshineandskyscrapers · 20/10/2023 18:52

This was my son this time last year. I let his teacher know the effect it had on my son, which was significant enough that it was casting a dark cloud over our weekends. This didn't have much effect on the teacher until several other parents said the same, and then the teddy started coming home in register order for those who hadn't had him. The other thing I did, and I wish I'd done it earlier, was buy him a lovely teddy and give it to him when he came out one Friday.

One other thing you could do is buy a copy of the book Punished by Rewards and give it to the school. I didn't have the nerve for this, but I have pointed out when their strategies, like this one, don't align with their therapeutic behaviour policy.

I’m not sure “nerve” is the right word for handing a school a book on child behavioural strategies and expecting them to read it!

Maybe “pomposity” or “self importance” or “blind belief that my child must never suffer disappointment in life”

JustAMinutePleass · 20/10/2023 19:34

Tell the teacher he’s really upset about it and see what she says. It’s used as a behaviour management tool for the most difficult kids rather than merit so I’m sure she could squeeze in a turn at some point.

EmmaDilemma5 · 20/10/2023 19:36

There's lots of things like this at our school and I don't like it either. One thing was school council. My 5yr old was very excited to get a badge, only to find out another child got the place. They're 5, they have zero concept of representing their class etc. All they see is wanting something and another child got it for no clear reason - it really isn't fair.

They also choose a child each week to be the "star" of various things. Again, not fair and not kind. Kids, especially those who are sensitive, often internalise these things as they're not good enough and it can cause long lasting confidence issues.

I wish they scrapped all of this crap. Surely a special sticker for each child each Friday for trying hard that week would be better. Praise for and value put on good behaviour, job done.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 20/10/2023 19:40

We had this for three years when my DD was in infants. I only sent an email when it was approaching Easter and 2 children had had the stuffed toy twice and she was getting upset. I was also sick of hearing about the damn thing every Friday.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 20/10/2023 19:41

Absolutely right about school council. Same kid has held the position 3 years running. Give someone else a chance!

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 19:44

Life long confidence issues because they didn’t win Star of the week in reception?

They might not get picked for school choir, or selected for a drama production, they might not be Mary in the nativity.
Life isn’t always fair.

I think it’s far more damaging to shield children from any negative emotions-
there’s an unprecedented number of secondary school pupils who declare they have “anxiety” and can’t sit exams. Most are fine with encouragement and accept that feeling nervous is uncomfortable but normal.

Some level of competition amongst peers is also normal and healthy.

Fireisland · 20/10/2023 19:47

I'd understand this if it were June, but it's only October!

You just remind him that there are 30 kids in the class and he'll get it eventually.

Whatever you do, don't have a word with the teacher!

Snowonthebeachx · 20/10/2023 19:47

sunshineandskyscrapers · 20/10/2023 18:52

This was my son this time last year. I let his teacher know the effect it had on my son, which was significant enough that it was casting a dark cloud over our weekends. This didn't have much effect on the teacher until several other parents said the same, and then the teddy started coming home in register order for those who hadn't had him. The other thing I did, and I wish I'd done it earlier, was buy him a lovely teddy and give it to him when he came out one Friday.

One other thing you could do is buy a copy of the book Punished by Rewards and give it to the school. I didn't have the nerve for this, but I have pointed out when their strategies, like this one, don't align with their therapeutic behaviour policy.

By all means buy him a teddy but please don't do the book thing! Therapeutic thinking is a lovely idea in principal but terrible for behaviour management (having watched it across a school). Teachers have a hard job often with 30 children on their own and need some incentives! Also good preparation for life.

You need to manage your child's expectations and downplay the star of the week. It's very early in the year and there are 24 children who haven't had it.

Talapia · 20/10/2023 19:48

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 19:02

I’d just reassure him he’ll get a turn and distract him with your weekend plans.

Remind him everyone who gets the award deserves it but that you all have to take turns.
Praise him for a few things he’s done in the week when you’re sat round the dinner table?

Its a good life lesson and won’t damage him Everyone is disappointed sometimes- it’s not actually helpful to sheild him from all negative feelings.

He won’t always be the winner at school, sports, games or life!

This.
It's not always the kids who need behavioural encouragement who get the.award.
Sometimes, it is given purely on merit for that week. On other occasions it may be because a child has shown courage or resilience in saturation which you know nothing about.

Each week many kids will be disappointed and that's part of life. Learning to manage this is part of life.
You won't be helping your child by rushing in and telling the teacher.That would indicate you want your child to be given it over another child. Help your child develop resilience

Stayeduptoolateagain · 20/10/2023 19:52

I absolutely hate everything about star of the week. It leaves 29 children feeling deflated at the end of each week. What's the point of a 'motivator' that will only work out for one child? I guarantee that every week there will be a good amount of kids who feel like they've put their all in and not been recognised for it. My experience as well is that the teachers don't make sure that everyone gets a turn! It's particularly bad for the 'middle learners' who consistently go under the radar.

Smartiepants79 · 20/10/2023 19:55

EmmaDilemma5 · 20/10/2023 19:36

There's lots of things like this at our school and I don't like it either. One thing was school council. My 5yr old was very excited to get a badge, only to find out another child got the place. They're 5, they have zero concept of representing their class etc. All they see is wanting something and another child got it for no clear reason - it really isn't fair.

They also choose a child each week to be the "star" of various things. Again, not fair and not kind. Kids, especially those who are sensitive, often internalise these things as they're not good enough and it can cause long lasting confidence issues.

I wish they scrapped all of this crap. Surely a special sticker for each child each Friday for trying hard that week would be better. Praise for and value put on good behaviour, job done.

Then explain it to him. He’s not always going to get everything that he wants! At least he shouldn’t! At 5 I’d hope he’s already been taught by you that he’s can’t always have the things that he wants!??
Do you let him have ice cream for breakfast or stay up til 11pm or watch TV for hours??
Special stickers are not very special if everyone gets one every week no matter what. And not every child finds good behaviour or effort easy. Do they get the special sticker anyway to make sure it’s ‘fair’.

ImAMinion · 20/10/2023 20:00

It’s a shame the class Teddy is attached to Star of the Week - I have one for my reception class and it’s pulled out the pot so everyone sees it’s random - a bit like the daily class helper.

However - it’s not all sunshine and roses this way either! For the first couple of children who’s names were drawn, it was ages ago to their 4 year old minds and they sit there looking hopeful every Friday and get upset that their name hasn’t been drawn and basically haven’t grasped that if they do get a second go, it won’t be till towards Easter (I’m in a private school so a smaller class, but I’m still going to have to calculate if everyone can even have it twice).

And even this way doesn’t stop the parents requests. I’ve had emails each week asking for their child to be next for similar reasons as above (it’s making them sad), I’m getting requests for special events, people requesting it for the half term week because their child deserves it more……I’m going to be honest, I’m not taking any of it and politely reminding parents that’s it’s a random draw and remaining that way otherwise it’s just a never ending can of worms.

I agree with someone above - write a class list at home and get him to tick off so he can see that he isn’t alone. Now if people start getting it a second time before someone has it a first time, yes say something, but it won’t help him to request it because come next term or whatever he’s just going to get disappointed again and again when his turn has been done. Let him wait, it will be all the more exciting for him when he’s genuinely chosen. Do you really want him chosen because you complained or for him to be genuinely chosen and recognised for something good?

The truth behind the bear’s weekly allocation will be a combination of good behaviour, ticking off down a list, an incentive for good behaviour for certain children, as well as being used as a tool for less settled children (particularly the first few weeks to give them something exciting to associate with school) - and somewhere in there will be quiet children who just get on with it who get thrown in and then there’ll be the few who come up every week as a good possible but ultimately will be held till last because they will be deemed as sensible, patient, resilient, and always deserving so just kind of “held”.

The reward systems aren’t always easy. We don’t have star of the week thank god but we do have reward assemblies and yes I have a list and yes someone has to be last.

Give your son a big hug, his turn is coming, have a little rewards system at home for him and use it as a learning opportunity.

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 20:01

Op it all sounds very fair and measured with regards to the rewards in his class.

He regularly gets stickers and is one off from completing his chart/ getting a prize?

He received Worker of the Week?

Sounds like he’s getting plenty of recognition and praise.

Dont reward him making a fuss about not winning the teddy this time.
You could encourage him to feel happy for his friend that got it this week.

Smartiepants79 · 20/10/2023 20:01

When did we decide that our children should never have to deal with disappointment or feeling sad or being nervous or any kind of negative emotions at all.
Life involves all these things. They need to develop ways of handling them.
Mummy can’t always make it better.

ChocolateIsntTheSameAnymore · 20/10/2023 20:01

Ours is names out of a hat. So they all get a turn

Storynanny1 · 20/10/2023 20:02

I taught infants for nearly 40 years and absolutely hated this kind of thing. I got round it by secretly tweaking it! I had about 6 “ teddies” so the maximum time anyone had to wait was 5 weeks.
One year a little boy in reception had to wait all year to be in birthday assembly as he wasn’t 5 until August. He cried every Friday wanting it to be his turn. I gave him a sticker every Friday just because I could. I wish teachers would break the “ rules”! It’s hard to be resilient when you are barely 5.

MsJuniper · 20/10/2023 20:11

I think it's quite a good thing for children to learn to applaud and feel happy for others.

If you can learn that, you'll be a lot happier in life.

WillowCraft · 20/10/2023 20:15

ImAMinion · 20/10/2023 20:00

It’s a shame the class Teddy is attached to Star of the Week - I have one for my reception class and it’s pulled out the pot so everyone sees it’s random - a bit like the daily class helper.

However - it’s not all sunshine and roses this way either! For the first couple of children who’s names were drawn, it was ages ago to their 4 year old minds and they sit there looking hopeful every Friday and get upset that their name hasn’t been drawn and basically haven’t grasped that if they do get a second go, it won’t be till towards Easter (I’m in a private school so a smaller class, but I’m still going to have to calculate if everyone can even have it twice).

And even this way doesn’t stop the parents requests. I’ve had emails each week asking for their child to be next for similar reasons as above (it’s making them sad), I’m getting requests for special events, people requesting it for the half term week because their child deserves it more……I’m going to be honest, I’m not taking any of it and politely reminding parents that’s it’s a random draw and remaining that way otherwise it’s just a never ending can of worms.

I agree with someone above - write a class list at home and get him to tick off so he can see that he isn’t alone. Now if people start getting it a second time before someone has it a first time, yes say something, but it won’t help him to request it because come next term or whatever he’s just going to get disappointed again and again when his turn has been done. Let him wait, it will be all the more exciting for him when he’s genuinely chosen. Do you really want him chosen because you complained or for him to be genuinely chosen and recognised for something good?

The truth behind the bear’s weekly allocation will be a combination of good behaviour, ticking off down a list, an incentive for good behaviour for certain children, as well as being used as a tool for less settled children (particularly the first few weeks to give them something exciting to associate with school) - and somewhere in there will be quiet children who just get on with it who get thrown in and then there’ll be the few who come up every week as a good possible but ultimately will be held till last because they will be deemed as sensible, patient, resilient, and always deserving so just kind of “held”.

The reward systems aren’t always easy. We don’t have star of the week thank god but we do have reward assemblies and yes I have a list and yes someone has to be last.

Give your son a big hug, his turn is coming, have a little rewards system at home for him and use it as a learning opportunity.

Edited

Why bother with the teddy if it's just random and causes upset? I really don't see the point!

Star of the week is about recognising something that a child has achieved that week, it's nice for every child to get their turn, they will all do something special at some point I am sure. Our school has 3 stars at once 4x a term.

Procrastinatiostation · 20/10/2023 20:15

My daughter had this in Reception and I did bring it up at Parents evening, but it was April by this point without her having received it. She'd never mentioned it until after Christmas but then had started to notice lots of other children had got it but she hadn't. Then every Friday, she was upset and saying she had tried really hard to be good and didn't understand. Some children had received it 2nd time round by this point.

Turns out it was for behavioural encouragement for some of the more rowdy kids. DD won it the following week😳, but her teacher did it well, told her about mid-week point she thought she was in with a chance of getting it and if DD managed to do x, y, z by Friday she would win it. She was so thrilled when I picked her up, I didn't care if I looked like an arse bringing it up to the teacher. I'm actually glad I did, the teacher seemed a bit surprised it might be having a negative impact on the children that weren't getting it 🤔

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 20:20

I’m sure some reception classes might use SOTW as a behavioural management technique but i never thought it was unfair at my dc’s (or any of the dc in my wider family’s) school.

They all had a turn at some point and had usually worked out who was going to get it by the end of term by a process of elimination.

”It’s a reward for the naughty kids” is always trotted out on these threads.

How about explaining to your child why some dc might struggle at school and need more encouragement than others ? Rather than teaching your child to resent “naughty” children.

notanotherclairebear · 20/10/2023 20:22

I think it's ok for them to feel sadness and disappointment, and it's ok that you don't want him feeling those things! We have star of the week but also a headteachers award - they go to the headteachers office and get a hot chocolate and a biscuit! My son didn't get one all the way through YR and was sad about it, so one Friday just before Christmas in Y1 I gave him a 'mummy's award' and told him all the kind things I'd noticed him doing that week. We had a biscuit and he never mentioned the headteacher's award again. Now my daughter has started YR he's been reminding her he didn't get one for the whole of YR but that it's ok. She did get star of the week this week, so must be behaving terribly according to PPs 🤣🥴

Unithorn · 20/10/2023 20:26

Ds' school was really good I think in reception, they had a star of the day and instead of taking a toy home or whatever they got to sit on a special chair the next day. Sounds rubbish to us but the children loved it! They all won a few times as well and the reasons werent always having to be something super amazing but something that was important and impressive to them. I'd just explain that there are a lot of children in the class and although you understand he's disappointed it doesn't mean he hasn't had a good week etc.

MuffyRogers · 20/10/2023 20:28

The first adventure the class teddy had at our house when he stayed for the weekend was have a ride in my washing machine! 🤣

buttercupcake · 20/10/2023 20:29

I’ve tried to teach my children to not seek external validation, that they should try hard and be kind to others because it makes them feel good, it doesn’t matter if the teacher notices or not.

If you keep saying, ‘try harder and your time will come’ you could be setting him up for more disappointment.