Page 3 | How to deal with my 5 year old’s disappointment at not winning star of the week?

Peachballoon · 2023-10-20T17:12:41+00:00

The child who wins star of the week gets to take home the class teddy for the weekend. He started reception six weeks ago and two of the friends he plays with have won it, plus four others and he’s really gutted each Friday, in tears and angry, saying “why don’t I ever get it?!” I do suspect he is ND, as he shows traits, but we haven’t had an official diagnosis as yet. I’m just wondering how anyone else manages this kind of thing?

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 20:30

I think that’s a great approach @notanotherclairebear Responding positively at home, giving your own rewards and encouragement at home is key.

It’s not ideal to reward your dc crying and stamping their feet and saying “Not fair” by going to the teacher and crying and stamping your feet and saying “Not fair” 😂

If you ask the teacher to let your dc be next (because they’re sad) how is that “fair” for the others?

Storynanny1 · 20/10/2023 20:30

I’m disappointed to hear, on this thread, that there are teachers of very young children who don’t realise how upsetting this sort of thing is for 4/5 year olds.
Plenty of time and opportunities later on in the infants to start teaching about resilience.
Give them a Friday treat at home for a week of trying their best at school.

ImAMinion · 20/10/2023 20:34

WillowCraft · 20/10/2023 20:15

Why bother with the teddy if it's just random and causes upset? I really don't see the point!

Star of the week is about recognising something that a child has achieved that week, it's nice for every child to get their turn, they will all do something special at some point I am sure. Our school has 3 stars at once 4x a term.

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I don’t actually disagree with you - but it’s a tradition I inherited and the other class in the year has one and…..yeah we have to do it. It is quite sweet to have a class mascot and the kids love it, and it’s generally only a few that properly kick up about it.

We have similar, we have reward assemblies but don’t call it Star of The Week - normally a couple of children in a class a week and something specific will be mentioned on there certificate that they’ve done amazingly, be it a piece of work, a personal challenge, effort….so not pulled out as best of the week of you get me, but for something they’ve done well.

Hedgehogtunnel · 20/10/2023 20:36

I always pointed out to my children that it's the children who aren't doing so well or aren't behaving well who get the stars, because they're to encourage them. Children who're already doing their best and working hard don't need them. (Then I'd get them a small gift or even print out a certificate for them to show they're appreciated!)

PeggyPiglet · 20/10/2023 20:37

There's no wonder we have a 'snowflake society' reading this thread.

Paintedtoenail · 20/10/2023 20:38

BoohooWoohoo · 20/10/2023 18:29

His turn will come but 💐 to your son for having to endure this practice which is 💩 for most. How many boys are in the class? If there are 6 boys who haven't won it yet then hopefully your son will get his turn by Christmas.

Ideally their turn will come. We had a bitch of a teacher last year ( not reception though) and one who clearly hates boys. She really was not pleasant and my son hated going to class with her. It was common knowledge she loathed boys. Unbelievable in this day and age.

My son never got a star of the week for the whole year yet other children got it multiple times. She really is that horrible.

WeWereInParis · 20/10/2023 20:39

Hedgehogtunnel · 20/10/2023 20:36

I always pointed out to my children that it's the children who aren't doing so well or aren't behaving well who get the stars, because they're to encourage them. Children who're already doing their best and working hard don't need them. (Then I'd get them a small gift or even print out a certificate for them to show they're appreciated!)

Is that not slightly risky? You tell them it's for children not doing well or who don't behave, and then what happens if they get it the next week?

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 20:39

I’ve 3 children and it feels like the upset at not winning the bear is exaggerated a bit here.

I mean yes they were a bit disappointed when they didn’t get it but at 5 years old that lasted about 10 minutes and they bounced back. They certainly weren’t depressed or sobbing all evening.

Id say it was on a level with not winning when we played a game with them at home or not being invited to a party.

Theyre all adults now and completely unscathed by their SOTW experiences 20 years ago.

AvengedQuince · 20/10/2023 20:52

bossybloss · 20/10/2023 18:58

You can, kind of . My daughter was slightly older but I eventually told her that she was self motivated but other children need a bit of a helping hand to achieve or be good! It worked x

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I doubt I would have managed to phrase it right and then DS would have repeated what I said at school. He figured it out fairly early anyway but it didn't matter if he said something then as long as it didn't sound like it had come from me. He was the youngest and the most cynical little child on his own without my help.

Tortugaa · 20/10/2023 20:54

Give him a cuddle, a biscuit and put some tv on so he can have a rest and calm down after a long week of school. Maybe buy him a special new teddy to cuddle with a star on it and give it to him and tell him no matter what he’s your star and he has his own star bear to cuddle on a Friday.

Alopeciabop · 20/10/2023 21:02

sunshineandskyscrapers · 20/10/2023 18:52

This was my son this time last year. I let his teacher know the effect it had on my son, which was significant enough that it was casting a dark cloud over our weekends. This didn't have much effect on the teacher until several other parents said the same, and then the teddy started coming home in register order for those who hadn't had him. The other thing I did, and I wish I'd done it earlier, was buy him a lovely teddy and give it to him when he came out one Friday.

One other thing you could do is buy a copy of the book Punished by Rewards and give it to the school. I didn't have the nerve for this, but I have pointed out when their strategies, like this one, don't align with their therapeutic behaviour policy.

Haven’t heard of this book. Will definitely look into it though. No matter which kid you are, the high achiever or low achiever, these rewards don’t help. They just detract from everything.

Mariposista · 20/10/2023 21:07

If it was Easter and he still hadn't had his turn, it would be more understandable. But 6 weeks? You need to kindly but firmly say your time will come if you keep doing and behaving well. Then swiftly change the subject.

Storynanny1 · 20/10/2023 21:12

Tortugaa · 20/10/2023 20:54

Give him a cuddle, a biscuit and put some tv on so he can have a rest and calm down after a long week of school. Maybe buy him a special new teddy to cuddle with a star on it and give it to him and tell him no matter what he’s your star and he has his own star bear to cuddle on a Friday.

I love it! Exactly what I’d have done with mine if they’d been at school with all of this teddy/star of the day/week nonsense.

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 21:17

I agree with giving him a cuddle and reassuring him. I don’t think anyone is suggesting saying “Unlucky mate, man up”

Mine all had Star of the Week in reception over 23 years ago. I don’t think it’s a new thing?

Storynanny1 · 20/10/2023 21:22

Yes, about the last 20/25 years. Mine are all in their 40’s and late 30’s so didn’t experience any of that.

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 21:29

Oh right fair enough @Storynanny1 !

There must have been some sort of equivalent praise/reward thing? There used to be Top of the class didn’t there?
Or end of term awards, House points ?

When I was at school I remember End of term certificates handed out for various achievements. I got one for “kindness to others” when I was about 5 and my mum put it on the kitchen wall 😂

Storynanny1 · 20/10/2023 21:36

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 21:29

Oh right fair enough @Storynanny1 !

There must have been some sort of equivalent praise/reward thing? There used to be Top of the class didn’t there?
Or end of term awards, House points ?

When I was at school I remember End of term certificates handed out for various achievements. I got one for “kindness to others” when I was about 5 and my mum put it on the kitchen wall 😂

I do recall them often coming home with stickers - being helpful at lunchtime, being kind , doing an amazing something or other in PE, that sort of thing. But never one child singled out, teachers used to give out lots of stickers every day!

bossybloss · 20/10/2023 21:41

AvengedQuince · 20/10/2023 20:52

I doubt I would have managed to phrase it right and then DS would have repeated what I said at school. He figured it out fairly early anyway but it didn't matter if he said something then as long as it didn't sound like it had come from me. He was the youngest and the most cynical little child on his own without my help.

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Yeah, that’s true ! My child was older and to be honest I am not sure if she actually did say anything at school. She may have sounded like a little prima donna if she had !😂

Frasers · 20/10/2023 21:43

It’s not used specifically as a tool for managing naughty kids, it’s a tool used to model and reward good behaviour or extra effort etc, and yes sometimes that’s the naughty kids, although I don’t even align on such a phrase or thing at this age.

if he’s in a large class then you need to sit down and talk to him and try ro explain in words he will understand that there are many children and all need to get a chance and what it’s awarded on. Do not say it’s for the naughty kids, it’s a ludicrous sentiment that will lead him into trouble if he repeats it to the kifd who are awarded it.

its important you do this because he can’t learn if he cries he gets his way. You can also speak to the teacher to ask what he needs to do to help him het awarded.

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 21:46

Yes I see your point about singling one child out.

My niece is 6 and they seem to hand out lots of stickers and rewards as well as the Star of the week.

She likes getting the “II hurt myself today” sticker and proudly tells me when I collect her about VERY minor scrapes in the playground that have won her a sticker.

YellowRibbon710 · 20/10/2023 21:51

Fifireee · 20/10/2023 18:58

Tell the teacher. Every child will get it. But if it’s causing anxiety tell the teacher and they will make sure your child is next.

Terrible advice.

Try and teach him some resilience and that his turn will come. It's a really optimal age for him to learn this.

Otherwise he will find it hard to deal with small setbacks and disruptions in his life.
Take it from an (exasperated) employer of lots of Gen Z staff.

Storynanny1 · 20/10/2023 21:52

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 21:46

Yes I see your point about singling one child out.

My niece is 6 and they seem to hand out lots of stickers and rewards as well as the Star of the week.

She likes getting the “II hurt myself today” sticker and proudly tells me when I collect her about VERY minor scrapes in the playground that have won her a sticker.

Haha! Yes one of my little granddaughters loves getting the “I hurt myself” stickers and excitedly waves the parents note about the injury around at me when I pick her up.

Storynanny1 · 20/10/2023 21:53

Honestly, I couldn’t still be a teacher in this climate, I’d have to buy a class set of teddies and just give them all one!

Knivesandforks · 20/10/2023 21:59

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 20/10/2023 19:41

Absolutely right about school council. Same kid has held the position 3 years running. Give someone else a chance!

Oh same here! My dd tries every year and it really means a lot. She really wants the star of week, readers award etc too- never gets them. My ds not in the least interested gets them.... says alot about both of their behaviour!!

SmileyClare · 20/10/2023 22:00

Storynanny1 · 20/10/2023 21:52

Haha! Yes one of my little granddaughters loves getting the “I hurt myself” stickers and excitedly waves the parents note about the injury around at me when I pick her up.

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Haha It’s just getting the sticker that’s important. I don’t want to say my niece is faking injuries but she gets those stickers very regularly 🤣