Visits to a smokers house

[Em9023]

I've never posted before so hope I'm doing this right!
My baby is 6 months old. My mother in law's partner is a smoker and smokes in his home. I don't let people who have recently had a cigarette hold my baby and so he has never held him as he's quite a heavy smoker. My son has also never been to their home because of the lingering smell of smoke.
My MIL keeps inviting us round and we have always dodged it, gone for walks instead, etc but now the weather has turned I'm struggling to find a polite way to say no. Her parter would go outside for a cigarette if we were actually in the house but it's the lingering smell of smoke that worries me. My husband supports me but I think he finds the whole situation quite awkward.
I go to my parents house at least once a week and so my husband wants the same for his family but this is such a barrier.
I'm just wondering if anyone thinks I'm being over the top? And how would anyone else approach this situation?
TIA for any advice, support, information on the dangers of second hand smoke in this way to empower my choices.

Phone up/text your DUTY HV line and ask for some help regarding this, they may work with smoking cessetation staff and have statistics. I recently saw a handout which listed the dangers of smoking in pregnancy / around children but am afraid I do not have access to this to share,

I don't think you need to offer any explanation further than we don't want the baby around cigarette smoke, and as Fred smokes in the house I'm afraid we won't be able to visit. His choice to smoke, your choice not to be around it.

I don't know why you have been tiptoeing around this for 6 months. You need to tell them directly that whilst "Dave" smokes in the home you won't be bringing baby to theirs. You are happy to see MIL at yours or out the house so she isn't barred from seeing baby. Just not at hers.

Just tell them you don’t like the smell of smoke.

They can smell their house/clothes and they’ll be aware of the dangers.

I doubt it would cause any offence.

As others have said, you just need to be honest. Tell them they are welcome to your house, but you don't want the baby in a house where there is smoke.

Smokers can't usually smell their smoke or people that live with them.. they get used to it.
I would just be honest.. second hand smoke lingering is still dangerous especially for a baby.. his choice to smoke. Your choice to not take baby in.. also your clothes will smell too..

I would be honest and tell them.

Absolutely this….
You can’t control other peoples behaviour but you can control how you respond to it.
We are now all well educated regarding the damage smoking causes so no excuse. MiL can visit your house but you will not be bringing baby into a hose where people smoke. If she doesn’t like it she needs to tell him to give up smoking.

You need to just tell them. Really your DH should have had this conversation with his mother well before your baby arrived.

Not only is it disgusting but There's clear evidence that children exposed to second-hand and third hand smoke are at an increased risk of early death and disease from various causes. Second-hand smoke can harm a baby's breathing, heart rate and growth, which can put the baby at a higher risk of sudden unexpected death in infancy (SUDI).

hoogle all the evidence you need to keep your baby out of a dangerous and foul environment

Have you told them that’s why you are not going round or do you just make an excuse?

Not only is it disgusting but There's clear evidence that children exposed to second-hand and third hand smoke are at an increased risk of early death and disease from various causes. Second-hand smoke can harm a baby's breathing, heart rate and growth, which can put the baby at a higher risk of sudden unexpected death in infancy (SUDI

Thats for kids who live in that situation. Not kids who go for brief visits.

My mum smoked. We didn’t live near but would go stay with her for a week roughly every second/third year. When we were there she went outside to smoke but the house stank of stale smoke, she stunk, her clothes stunk etc. No way was that going to affect my kids more adversely than no relationship with their nanna, so I happily sucked it up.

If he's been smoking indoors, the walls and fabrics will all be saturated with tar and the associated products- no matter how much your MiL cleans. I would not be taking my precious small baby into all that poison.

The smell being in the house because it gets into fabrics etc is not the same as second hand smoke. It’s obviously up to you but I personally think this is a little OTT if he’s not actually smoking in the house with the baby. There may be toxins in fabrics but unless your baby is sucking the sofa for extended periods they’d probably be exposed to more toxins from pollution/exhausts etc walking down the street.

Would a compromise be that he doesn’t smoke in the house that day if you’re coming over, so you know there is definitely nothing lingering from an earlier cigarette? I think it is a bit unreasonable to expect him to stop ever smoking in his own home to be honest particularly if you wouldn’t be round that often.

Just say "I'm sorry, I don't allow my children to be in houses where people smoke." That's all you need to say.

You're not being OTT OP, as your baby's mother, you decide what's best for him/her. If you're uncomfortable with them being around cigarette smoke (even the smell of it) then don't put yourself or your baby in that situation.

As others have said, I'd just be honest with MIL. If she thinks you're being OTT then, oh well, it is what it is.

I assume they are welcome to visit you and baby at your house so I'd invite them over instead.

https://www.nhsinform.scot/healthy-living/stopping-smoking/reasons-to-stop/dangers-of-second-hand-smoke/

The harmful chemicals can linger for up to 5 hours after the cigarette was smoked. No way would I expose a baby or child to this.

I grew up in a house where everyone smoked. Mum, dad, all visitors, brothers/sister when they got older. Parents were from the factory era so it was pretty normal to smoke at work etc. god i sound old 😂 Im pretty sure my mum smoked when she was pregnant too but that was before they said about how bad it was for health. Still, they smoked in the house (walls were yellow), in the car with windows up etc. only now being away from that, i realise how disgusting it smells. I used to dislike kissing/hugging my parents as they stunk of stale cigarettes. Whenever i visited, i go home and have a shower and change clothes afterwards. They probably dont see an issue with what they are doing, its their house after-all. I dont know, you need to be firm and say why youre not visiting but also, it would be sad to not have a relationship between grandparents/children (but equally they need to meet you outside the house if they know thats the reason youre not visiting).

I would just tell them. I don't go into smoker's houses because I cannot physically stand the smell (let alone the health risks), and I would not even consider taking a baby into a smoker's house.

Yeah I agree there's no need for an excuse.
Tell them the reason, I can bet they can't even smell it themselves as their so used to it.
Invite them to yours.

This will be a long term problem so best to be honest otherwise you're going to feel awkward for a long, long time.

I fully support you, I'd not go either.

As others said

Fred smokes in the house. We don't want our baby around cigarette smoke so we won't be visiting

But

You are both welcome at ours but obv Fred needs to wash his hands after having a cigarette in the garden etx or not smoke at all at ours

If it's an hour visit sure he can mange that

My parents were heavy smokers. When my kids were little we made an agreement: on the day we came over there would be no smoking in the house and my mother would air the house extra , opening all windows and the patio-doors.
I would dress myself and the kids in clothes that needed washing, so i could change them immediately when we got home.

Think about what would be acceptable for you in all scenarios… my parents were heavy smokers and because of that they were very unhealthy. My mum died when my youngest was 2, my father became seriously ill shortly after that. I am glad i have memories and fotos of them in their house with their grandkids during happy times.

Agree you have to be honest. It’s something I feel quite strongly about because I grew up in a house with a chain smoker and I’m shorter than I should be and have appalling lung capacity. It’s a disgusting habit and no one should inflict it on growing children.

Tell them the truth. You are right. I'd have told him from day 1.