Visits to a smokers house

[Em9023]

I've never posted before so hope I'm doing this right!
My baby is 6 months old. My mother in law's partner is a smoker and smokes in his home. I don't let people who have recently had a cigarette hold my baby and so he has never held him as he's quite a heavy smoker. My son has also never been to their home because of the lingering smell of smoke.
My MIL keeps inviting us round and we have always dodged it, gone for walks instead, etc but now the weather has turned I'm struggling to find a polite way to say no. Her parter would go outside for a cigarette if we were actually in the house but it's the lingering smell of smoke that worries me. My husband supports me but I think he finds the whole situation quite awkward.
I go to my parents house at least once a week and so my husband wants the same for his family but this is such a barrier.
I'm just wondering if anyone thinks I'm being over the top? And how would anyone else approach this situation?
TIA for any advice, support, information on the dangers of second hand smoke in this way to empower my choices.

Thank you all for your responses. I think the reason I'm seeking a bit of validation is because I always kind of assumed they knew the reason we always declined to visit but the fact they have invited us again this weekend made me realise they are oblivious to it being an issue. I know we need to have an honest conversation with them but it just made me question myself...which is crazy, I would never allow my baby to be in a harmful situation..as I said I've not allowed people to hold him in the past if they smoke.

Just also to clarify, I would never expect MIL's partner to stop smoking because of this. It's his home, his choice but as others have pointed out, it's my choice not to expose my baby to it.

Thanks all! X

We had exactly this issue with my inlaws, but the difference was we told them when I was pregnant.
You just need to be honest and upfront.

YANBU but you should be honest with them and let them know his disgusting habit that can make your baby sick is exactly why you aren’t visiting.

To be honest I do think YABU a little. It's his home and smoking isn't illegal. You can't dictate what goes on. Going to visit for an hour here or there with the windows open i doubt would cause any long term issues but check with your HV

Tell her the truth
I don't want my baby in a house smelling of smoke
Could she come to you?

I wouldn't visit the house of anyone who smoked inside, baby or not. It's just gross, never mind unhealthy. You just have to be honest and they have to either sort out the situation or live with the consequences.

Both of my grandparents were heavy smokers when I was born. They both quit so that they could have me to stay with them. I spent a lot of time at their house and it was lovely. But it wouldn't have been lovely if they'd been chain smoking over me.

I wasn't diagnosed asthmatic until I was 27..years of being in dm and dgm's homes. Both smoked. Bathing dc and hair washing post visit was normal. Hot washing clothes too. Grim. When we moved away dm visited us. Never smoked around dc and chewed gum! Yanbu to want a healthy environment for your dc...

I do t think yabu.
My parents have never met they’re great grandchild (almost 2) because they both smoke like chimneys, and the mother won’t let the child near anything to do with smoking, which is fair enough however GGC is missing out on the relationship and though I have my issues with them as parents, as grandparents they are good, my kids (older) go round for an hour at a time and we only wear old clothes and they jump into the shower once home to get the smell out (they both constantly chain smoke) and whilst there the garden door stays open for the dogs anyway and my kids sit at the table near the door, not an ideal situation but my parents are infirm and can’t travel to us so if we didn’t they’d not see them and be like GGC who I feel really sad will likely never know them, though again, I understand why from the mums pov, just sad really.

My FIL started smoking at 12. He gave up overnight when he had his first grandchild. And he was a chain smoker. So it can be done.

I had to have this conversation with my mum, and it was difficult (having grown up when it was quite normal to smoke whilst holding your baby - although she didn’t smoke during pregnancy).
she now smokes outside. The house still smells but not as bad as when she used to smoke inside, so it is ok-ish now

Get your husband to tell them! It's his mother/her partner after all.

It's nuts to me that anyone would think you were being unreasonable when pps have posted evidence that yes, second hand smoke can damage your baby five hours after the cigarette has been smoked. I'm not risk averse and there's no wrapping in cotton wool here, but it's ludicrous that people are fine with risking their babies' health.
I'd be honest OP but, being a bit of a wuss, I'd coat it in sugar. "Baby loves seeing you so much and we're so glad she has loving grandparents. I do hope you won't be offended but bringing her over to yours is a little risky because of the smoking (cite above study if you want) but you're always welcome here and the kettle is always on! Might even get in some biscuits!! Xx"

I think it's awkward as his stepdad will probably feel less motivated to stop smoking than his dad (probably - I'm making assumptions here I know).

I always kind of assumed they knew the reason we always declined to visit but the fact they have invited us again this weekend made me realise they are oblivious to it being an issue

Well they're not mind readers, so many issues stem from people not being up front and honest. They've probably been feeling more excluded and left out trying to figure out why you keep making excuses than if you'd have said. Your DH should talk to them really as they're his parents, surely then they can try and come up with some options for seeing them without having to go into their smokey home.

I hate smoking, but if the partner was going to smoke outside then I'd suck it up for occasional short visits. It's not like the baby is living in the house. A close relationship with grandparents would be more important to me.

FIL smokes, only ever outdoors. He'll go out for a smoke and then come in and play with the DC. I don't love it but they never smell of smoke and have never shown any sign of issues because of it - we only see him every few weeks. They love their granda very much though.

I agree with most other posters, awkward for you but you need to be honest in the kindest possible way and emphasise how welcome they are for regular visits to your house to form a relationship with the baby.

YABU only as you need to tell them why you arent visiting

@DutchCowgirl So sad that despite the wake up call of them needing to avoid doing it near the kids they couldn’t quit. Glad you got memories together though.

Your husband needs to step up and tell them no.

Some smokers can get a bit blazé about the risks. I recall my cousin sat on my nans lap having an asthma attack. She had his inhaler in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Didn't bat an eyelid

I refused to see her for a couple of years as I didn't like the smell of the smoke. She never once offered to smoke outside or to make it an environment I would want to visit. I was only 7 or 8 at the time

Do not assume they are making the link between you not visiting and the smoking. There are smokers that will never connect their smoking and negative things. Same nan as above bragged about smoking through pregnancies and nothing bad happened. Completely ignoring that my dad was born 3 months early at was the edge of life

Your H needs to be straight talking with them.

"I'm sorry we are not comfortable bringing a child into a house where somebody smokes inside. You''re always welcome to come round to us and/or let's meet up in a suitable public space."

It doesn't need to contain anything judgemental or accusatory. But he should do it soon, he should have done it months ago.

I wouldnt "happily suck it up" as someone up thread said.
I wouldnt take a child to the home of a smoker, not ever. And if that causes upset and disconnection so be it.
If I was a smoker/partner was and I was about to become a grandparent............. I would quit smoking or ditch the smoking partner. For health reasons and to ensure I could fully enjoy being a grandparent. Giving up smoking is hard but surely the chance to spend proper time with a grandchild is the best incentive ever?
Id be honest with them op.

This. I think a visit to somewhere where someone has smoked indoors is totally different from actually smoking in the house the baby lives in.

YANBU to not let the baby go there - or, indeed, want to go there yourself.

YhaveBU not to have just said from the get go. Or even before the baby was born. Your dh should have said to his Mum "When the baby is here, we won't be coming over due to the fact the house smells of smoke. Obviously totally up to him what he does in his own home but equally up to us if we want a baby exposed to that, or not"

Your DH needs to step up and stand up for his kid that's his priority now. He can't leave the tricky conversations to you.