Visits to a smokers house

[Em9023]

I've never posted before so hope I'm doing this right!
My baby is 6 months old. My mother in law's partner is a smoker and smokes in his home. I don't let people who have recently had a cigarette hold my baby and so he has never held him as he's quite a heavy smoker. My son has also never been to their home because of the lingering smell of smoke.
My MIL keeps inviting us round and we have always dodged it, gone for walks instead, etc but now the weather has turned I'm struggling to find a polite way to say no. Her parter would go outside for a cigarette if we were actually in the house but it's the lingering smell of smoke that worries me. My husband supports me but I think he finds the whole situation quite awkward.
I go to my parents house at least once a week and so my husband wants the same for his family but this is such a barrier.
I'm just wondering if anyone thinks I'm being over the top? And how would anyone else approach this situation?
TIA for any advice, support, information on the dangers of second hand smoke in this way to empower my choices.

There's no give and take these days.
There's no proportion - everything is black and white
Everyone seems to think that their likes, dislikes, taste etc overrule everyone else's.
Everyone wants to control every situation and get the upper hand, especially with in-laws.

And when you have a baby as a bargaining tool, all the above become so easy.

It's a very sad state of affairs.

Typically mind boggling responses on here. Totally disproportional to suggest that a grandparent should break up with a partner who smokes! I think there's a huge reality gap between what posters say they would do or say and what would actually happen if they were in that situation.

I dunno I think lots on here think the world should revolve around their children. The infinitely more sane option is to simply be honest about it so that they can work together to figure out a solution that works.

I'd much rather see the world revolve around children than revolve around someone's filthy, pointless and lethal fag habit.

I expect they do know you are unlikely to bring baby and why. They may be inviting you expecting you to say "no come to ours" as it is less polite/too pushy to say "can we come over?"

When they invite you say "would you mind coming here instead?" Likely they will say yes and that is the end of it. If they ask why "cautious of second hand smoke. Appreciate fil wouldnt smoke while baby there but dont want to take baby to yours as people to smoke there at other times. Also we have toys, steriliser etc here so would rather you come to us"

I think as long as it is clear you do want to see them it is just practicalities their feelings won't be hurt.

But its not either or is it. I don't think OP should take her child there, but the posters suggesting her MIL should break up with her partner so that they can see their grandchild in their home is assuming that the MIL is happy to revolve their life around their child when there's no need; there are plenty of solutions where she can see her grandchild which don't involve them going into the home. Sure the MIL once she knows might make that choice for herself but it's ridiculous to put forward as a solution.

We had this with FIL. It is awkward. Luckily they didn’t live near us & COVID lockdowns were happening when baby was small. We’d go to my parents house every week.

DH brought DS over a few more times when he was a toddler, just the two of them & I tried not to think about it. He got annoyed when I asked FIL to smoke outside…

PrueLeith, totally agree. It wasn’t for me to police FIL in his own home, and DH didn’t want to say anything to him! I was made out to be a snooty cow when I’d say “open the door”.

When my first born (now 20) was 2 months old his great grandma died. We travelled to her funeral and stayed with DH's uncle and aunt. They had adult children too. Everybody was smoking in the house without the least consideration for my 2 month old baby. MIL, uncle and aunt in law, cousins. The house was thick with it. I used to go and sit alone with the baby in the front room where at least no one was actively smoking. They all laughed at me at the time, but I bet they would have been more considerate now. I do think refusing to enter a house where someone has been smoking is a bit PFB - maybe they could air the room you will be in, not smoke on the day of your visit inside, that kind of thing? No harm will come to your baby from sitting in a room where someone smoked 24 hours before, it really won't.

I can’t imagine not seeing grandparent’s because they smoke. I think your child’s life will be less than ideal because of your cigarette phobia. The impact of a rarely seen persons smoking in a desperate room or outside is so small it’s ridiculous.

If your in laws will definitely go outside to smoke when you're there, and preferably air the house before you go, then I think your baby's relationship with their grandparents is more important.

I’m a smoker and I think be honest. Smokey homes are rank and no place for kids.

It's a sadder state of affairs when babies' health is seen as fair game. OP doesn't want to "control every situation and get the upper hand", she just wants for her baby not to come to any harm. Is it controlling to want your ILs to put a belt on your baby in the car, for example? I mean, chances are baby would be fine!
I'm shocked that so many people would be willing to take risks like this when it's not at all necessary.

Just be honest. ‘We can’t come over because the second hand smoke is dangerous for us’.

My ds has asthma.. Likely because me and dh have it. He has never been around a smoker. . Would you want to be holding an inhaler for your toddler choking because their loving dgps had been smokers? It's horrific even without the guilt.. Don't bow to it op.

I've said YABU because I don't understand why you can't just say you don't want the baby around cigarette smoke.

I grew up with smokers as grandparents, really heavy and their house was the hub for the family so uncles and aunts smoked there too. On our visits there I would come out absolutely stinking and eyes stinging. We always knew after a visit it would be home to change clothes and have a shower to get rid of the smell. It was awful and I would never put my kids through that so we only ever visited for outside occasions like yourselves. I didn't regret it. My babies were more important than their hurt feelings. Do what's right for your baby. The smell of second hand smoke is revolting and your baby will be inhaling it and it stinking their clothes and skin.

I grew up in a house of smokers and most of my family still smoke.

I was lucky that my sister had children years before me and tackled the issue of smoking in the house with my mum. She just said, I can't bring the baby over if you smoke in the house... So my mum stopped smoking in the house. With small babies my mum also changed her clothes before holding them. It wasn't difficult, she was really understanding about it. She slacked off with the changing of clothes as they got older, but has never reverted to smoking indoors.

MIL, on the other hand, handed me back my 2 week old baby STINKING of cigarettes when we were at a family do. I'm pretty sure she didn't ACTUALLY smoke while holding her, but it definitely hadn't occurred to her that young babies shouldn't be exposed at all, really. Luckily we emigrated when my oldest was a few months old so I didn't have to tackle the 'no smoking in the house' rule with her, as there's no way my husband would have done it and there's no way I would have visited them in a house with a visible cloud of smoke hanging in every room.

I agree with previous posters suggesting honesty is the best policy. You can try to avoid confrontation by phrasing it nicely, commenting on how much things have changed in the past 30 years etc but that this is important to you. And if they won't agree, try to make an effort with suggesting regular visits to you or meeting elsewhere so as to maintain a good relationship.

There is no easy solution to this. My mother smokes and when the children were babies she did go outside and we would open windows and doors, but it still felt smoky. It's not the smell so much as the residue.
As the kids got older she became less consistent about it, and would sometimes just stand in the doorway....it caused a few arguments.

Ultimately we did go round a couple of times a month for a few hours at a time....its important to maintain family relationships and she did help out with childcare. As the kids got older they did spend a bit more time there. I wasn't very happy but when I was a kid BOTH my parents smoked in that house, while I was in the same room, and while I am not saying that safe or advisable I am pretty much OK, as are lots of others.

So, I think occasional visits would be fine, but it's absolutely right that your OH should state very clearly that he is to smoke outside (10 steps from door) while you are there, and for at least 30 mins before, and they should air the house/rooms you will be using before you get there.

Also advise them airfresheners are not the same. My mum drowns the house in airfreshener thinking it disguises the smell but it just adds more chemicals to the mix!

I don't think it's reasonable or even effective to say to a smoke don't hold the baby, but take your own play mats, feeding stuff, toys etc, don't let him suck or chew on anything that has been in the house for more than a day.

You are a stronger person than me to have held out this long, I wish I had been more forthright, but I don't regret letting the kids go to their grandparents.

I suspect the risk from sitting in a house where someone has smoke (not is currently smoking) is more akin to the risk of getting in the car with a correctly fitted seat, nowhere near the risk of not belting them in.

I'd also be curious to know (but far too lazy to google or calculate) the difference between sitting in a buggy going down the main street at a level close to car exhausts vs sitting in a smoker's living room.

Life isn't risk free and it can't be risk free.

My mum was a smoker and smoked in her house but never when I was there with the children.I am a social outdoors smoker occasionally!
Yes the smell was horrible but the children had a fantastic relationship with their Grandma and putting up with the smell for a couple of hours a week was small change for the fond memories my children have of Grandma.

What exactly are 'the risks' though? I don't know, do you?
Logic tells me that being in the home where someone has smoked (but is not doing it at the time) for an hour carries vanishingly small risks. I am happy to be corrected if you know differently.
Visiting smokers is one of those MN situations where the risks are totally overblown, along with eg never letting your baby out of your sight at home and using backward facing car seats until the child is at junior school.
Other risks - which I personally would not take - such as co-sleeping and BLW are just glossed.
You are never going to get many sensible replies on a thread about smoking. I am neither a grandparent or a smoker by the way.

This is not new news, of course they shouldn't expect you to take your DC to be around their house, its well published about the harms of smoking and children.
My DM used to send her family out of the house 45 years ago.
YADNBU, When we were kids and no one held us who smoked, more so because my mum didn't want to force that stench on us and force us to smell it, common sense really.

Just be honest, it doesn't have to be an abrupt discussion or argument, just a simple because we want to protect our DCs health we can't bring them around.

We don't visit my parents house as they smoke.they know this is the reason. Just be honest🤷🏻‍♀️

Life isn't risk free and it can't be risk free

Absolutely but it's the OPs decisions on what "risks" she exposes her babies to. If this is one risk, which is avoidable, that she doesn't want to take, her in-laws, im sure, should understand.