Visits to a smokers house

[Em9023]

I've never posted before so hope I'm doing this right!
My baby is 6 months old. My mother in law's partner is a smoker and smokes in his home. I don't let people who have recently had a cigarette hold my baby and so he has never held him as he's quite a heavy smoker. My son has also never been to their home because of the lingering smell of smoke.
My MIL keeps inviting us round and we have always dodged it, gone for walks instead, etc but now the weather has turned I'm struggling to find a polite way to say no. Her parter would go outside for a cigarette if we were actually in the house but it's the lingering smell of smoke that worries me. My husband supports me but I think he finds the whole situation quite awkward.
I go to my parents house at least once a week and so my husband wants the same for his family but this is such a barrier.
I'm just wondering if anyone thinks I'm being over the top? And how would anyone else approach this situation?
TIA for any advice, support, information on the dangers of second hand smoke in this way to empower my choices.

Oh yes, absolutely.

Your dc developing asthma isn't a risk work taking..

Just be honest ... and invite her to meet at your house. Why all the hand wringing?

But what is the risk of developing asthma from sitting in a smoker's house while they're not actually smoking from time to time? Do you know? I don't but I suspect it's not particularly high. Very different to second hand smoke or living with a smoker.

My DC were at risk of asthma as I have it, as does my only sibling and our father. All of us have eczema and hayfever, and my DH has those too. I can't imagine the occasional cuddle with granda would touch the sides of those genetic risks.

Your partner Ie their so. Needs to tell his parents why you aren't coming inside

I feel like it's a bit extreme to never ever go for a visit, a couple of hours every month is really not going to do any harm.

I think just saying you don’t want to be around smoke is fine. Can you invite them round to yours instead?

Third hand smoke wasn't something I had much information on but I found this report that was interesting.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.ashscotland.org.uk/media/6686/Third-hand%2520Smoke.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjx5eST5ISCAxWnU0EAHaUICHYQFnoECCYQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2TuAvZspdxJPKZI2JYOb4d

I hope it works, broadly more research is needed. On thing that stuck out for me was that nicotine doesn't come off surfaces with soap and water. There's also no safe levels of ingestion of nicotine. Chemicals can be detected in houses of former smokers after being vacant for 2 months

It would be prudent to ensure any babies and children in homes are kept an eye to reduce chewing on things from the home. Being realistic it WILL happen!

My Dad used to smoke in his house. When he died and I had to clear it out, everything was covered in a film of yellow nicotine. The place stunk. I wouldn't have taken my baby there, I could barely stand going in myself.

They need to come and visit you IMO.

I mean, it's up to you but...

Back in the 60s, 70s and even early 80s it was common for people to smoke everywhere, all the time. Chain smoking was rife. Children grew up in chain-smoking homes and were exposed to second-hand smoke day in and day out.

Yet the majority of people who grew up in those times are fine.

I don't disagree that second-hand smoke can be an issue, but my mum tells of the days when home and office furniture would have a layer of yellow nicotine stains on them because people would smoke so much.

Consequently, in the present situation, I do think there needs to be a level of perspective. Being exposed to second-hand smoke for a few hours every month isn't great, but the chances of it leading to SIDS or asthma are infinitesimally small. (It would be much higher in a home where the baby was exposed everyday, but even then most babies from a smoking home do not die from SIDS.)

Personally, I think this is a case where it's probably not worth upsetting an otherwise good relationship with the in-laws.

We had this issue with our dad years ago. We ended up being straight about it and saying it’s not good for the kids, but we also hated coming home smelling of stale smoke. He was a bit ‘umph’ but he understood and tbh he couldn’t and wouldn’t argue about our children health. He ended up coming to us instead.

I had the same experience. I bet if you wiped a cleaning wipe down one of the walls in the house, it would be filthy brown.

I used ti be a heavy smoker myself, but thinking about that gunk in my lungs made me give up almost immediately. It's a revolting habit, and an avoidable risk

They should probably come and visit you. If MIL really wants you there then she should side with you with regards to the smoking in the house. It’s quite normal to not want a baby to be in that environment.

would he compromise and say only smoke in the kitchen with the door to the rest of the house shut and the back door open? Allowing the rest of the house to carry less of the lingering smell.

tbh though my parents didn’t smoke we would stay for a week or two at a time with my grandparents who smoked liked chimneys in the house, even with us there. None of us have suffered any effects from it, but do understand not wanting a baby on that environment and tbh I’d probably feel the same.

Why should she MIL come to their house ? She’ll bring the third hand smoke residue on her clothes and skin and contaminate the OP’s house