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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People not saying "please"

83 replies

amiboverd · 20/10/2023 09:27

AIBU to think people should say please when asking for something?

Maybe I'm just old fashioned but I find it grating when someone asks for something and don't say please.

Example - someone I don't know on a Facebook group asking me to pick something up form as shop and post it to them (after I had offered to do this for someone else) and they said something like "if you see one you could get another and I could pay?"

It also happens at work. People send me things like "Article below for feedback".

I must sound like a such a bore but AIBU? Would you say please in these circumstances and would be be annoyed if someone didn't?

OP posts:
clpsmum · 20/10/2023 09:28

You're not being unreasonable, manners cost nothing x

LauraFlex · 20/10/2023 09:29

Yabu

KimberleyClark · 20/10/2023 09:29

YANBU.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 20/10/2023 09:33

Happens all the time now. No one says please or thank you anymore or rarely I find. I just make a point of saying this more to prove a point.

BeckhamSeven · 20/10/2023 09:34

I have younger children so am always reminding them with a "PLEASE!!" At the end of their sentence the rare times they forget.
I feel very embarrassed when I do it by habit to adults who've "forgotten" to say please. 😂

PriOn1 · 20/10/2023 09:35

In the first instance, please would be polite, but I wouldn’t think the worse of anyone who forgot.

The second, I don’t understand. How does “article below for feedback” require a please?

And it became obvious to me when I was married that the social rules around the word are not universal. My ex used to tell me off if I asked “Do you know where x is?” For him that demanded a please, whereas in my family, it didn’t.

I also live in a country where there is no word for please and am going to seriously struggle when I return to the UK as I do genuinely forget now, even when speaking English because it just doesn’t get used here.

rocknrollaa · 20/10/2023 09:38

I wouldn't be annoyed if someone didn't say please in either of those circumstances.

I probably would say it myself just because it was how I was brought up and part of my culture.

I just think what's the point in putting your expectations like that onto other people - there might be a million reasons why they're not saying please - maybe they're neurodiverse, maybe it's cultural, maybe it's just not their way, whatever. I wouldn't mind as long as they weren't actively rude to me (and I don't think either of those examples are rude at all).

Original poster
amiboverd · 20/10/2023 09:39

@GonnaGetGoingReturns That's what I think too and I have also done thing when annoyed but can't think of the context @BeckhamSeven

I find people more often say "thanks" but even then... a new starter at work sat next to me a few days ago who asked for help with the system a couple of times. She doesn't work in my team and there were others around who did. I was quite busy with something urgent so it occurred to me they should be helping her but of course I stopped what I was doing to help her... twice... and she didn't say thank you either time. She was very young so I excused it to a degree on that basis but also thought if she asks again I'll tell her I'm too busy and to ask if someone in her team can help. I was actually too busy but I'm even less inclined to help if you can't say please or thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
amiboverd · 20/10/2023 09:42

@PriOn1 Because they were asking me to review it for them. If I was sending something to someone senior and asking for them to check it or asking them for feedback I'd say please eg Please can you review this and let me know if you have any feedback?

I know what you're saying and in my house people didn't say thank you each other as they did in DH's for example but I'd asking a stranger to go get you something from a shop, package and post it for you a "please" would come naturally.

I think neurodiversity is used as an excuse for anything. That could apply to anyone. Should we not have social standards any more because of this? Genuine question. I know not everyone will agree with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
amiboverd · 20/10/2023 09:43

Sorry the second part of that response was to @rocknrollaa

OP posts:
rainbowsparkle28 · 20/10/2023 09:44

YANBU. It takes one extra word to say please and is basic manners.

bennyonthedispatch · 20/10/2023 09:44

This drives me barmy.

I speak on a police radio all day at work and always say please when tasking cops, even though its their job. My colleagues take the piss out of me and task without the 'please' and 'thank you' but I am naturally very polite and think manners cost nothing. And it helps me build up good working relationships.

My kids have good manners, I may not have done much else right but I am incredibly proud of their manners.

rocknrollaa · 20/10/2023 09:45

@amiboverd Well at the end of the day you're the only person who you're bothering with this sort of reaction? So what's the point? Other people will behave this way so you can accept it or not, but if you don't it's only you who gets upset.

It seems to me like there is no rude intention in either of these examples so I think you are just getting annoyed about nothing tbh. No one is being actively rude to you.

ButteryNuts · 20/10/2023 09:45

I say please because it's expected and seen as polite, but don't actually care if people use it or not.

I find 'please' quite rude personally and feel uncomfortable saying it, even though I do. It reminds me of a begging kid going PLEASE MUM PLEEEEEEEEEASE to get what they want. If I ask 'Can you do this?' is a genuine question and request. 'Can you do this please?' feels like a manipulation to try make them do it and like there's less of a choice?

Definitely the odd one out with this, but no, i don't care if someone says please as long as they're polite and say thank you.

Trisolaris · 20/10/2023 09:51

I find work emails are an interesting one as too many ‘pleases’ in an email looks repetitive but if I’m asking someone to do something I think it should include a please and a thank you.

In the example you have given ‘article below for feedback’ I would presume that either a please is included earlier in the email (if there is more detail you haven’t mentioned) or if that was the entire email that you were asked in earlier emails/calls to feedback on the article and that a please had already been given at that time. It seems like a short follow up email when I would not expect a please.

rocknrollaa · 20/10/2023 09:52

@amiboverd Also - neurodiversity is just one of many reasons someone might behave differently to the way you would expect them to. I'm not sure why you just picked that out of my post. Some cultures don't even have a word for please and don't put as much emphasis on it. Some people had different backgrounds/ upbringings/ expectations. Some people just think a bit differently to you.

I just think it's completely pointless to project your own (ultimately fairly random) cultural expectations onto other people.

Just accept people as they are unless they are actually being rude to you.

Trisolaris · 20/10/2023 09:57

@rocknrollaa

Similarly to this one I notice a lot culturally is that in English whilst we say ‘you’re welcome’ sometimes as a response to ‘Thank you’ it isn’t required whereas other languages e.g Italian it’s rude not to respond.

Catza · 20/10/2023 10:10

Doesn't bother me in the slightest. I get a lot of work emails with requests and it never even occurred to me to scan them for inclusion of please and thank you. They usually come in a format of "If you have time, would you mind looking at X and giving me some feedback" or "any chance you have a cancellation and can see this person before the 20th of November" which are perfectly polite requests even though they don't contain buzz words. Also if I had a conversation with someone on the phone or in person and they mentioned wanting me something to review an email follow up with "here is the thing for feedback" is perfectly fine.
I was also brought up in a different culture and what I find amusing having lived in Britain for 25 years is how wonderfully polite you guys are in person and then judge people in the privacy of your own home or anonymously on the internet. My friends gasp if I tell a server the meal was cold when they ask me if everything was alright. How impolite! But, apparently, perfectly polite to tell them everything was fine and then tell strangers online that they had the worst meal in their life and to never set foot in the establishment.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/10/2023 10:20

LauraFlex · 20/10/2023 09:29

Yabu

@LauraFlex

is she? Why?

Original poster
amiboverd · 20/10/2023 11:09

@rocknrollaa It's not like I like I let it ruin my day or anything but I notice! I definitely don't think I'm right and everyone else is wrong and I wasn't picking on anything in your post. This is just a discussion. I was interested in what people thought. You sound a bit annoyed!

@ButteryNuts That's an interesting take and I know what you mean actually.

@Trisolaris No standalone email just assuming I can do it and not really even asking.

@LuckySantangelo35 Haha I wondered too!

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/10/2023 12:03

ButteryNuts · 20/10/2023 09:45

I say please because it's expected and seen as polite, but don't actually care if people use it or not.

I find 'please' quite rude personally and feel uncomfortable saying it, even though I do. It reminds me of a begging kid going PLEASE MUM PLEEEEEEEEEASE to get what they want. If I ask 'Can you do this?' is a genuine question and request. 'Can you do this please?' feels like a manipulation to try make them do it and like there's less of a choice?

Definitely the odd one out with this, but no, i don't care if someone says please as long as they're polite and say thank you.

I've never thought of it like that before. Strange

rocknrollaa · 20/10/2023 12:25

@amiboverd I am annoyed that you picked out neurodiversity from several things I listed in my post, and claimed that too many people use it as an 'excuse'. You obviously lack understanding and I am interested that you did not make the same claim about cultural differences.

BloodyHellKen · 20/10/2023 12:38

YANBU I really dislike it when people don't use basic manners and forget to use please and thank you. I've brought all our children up to be polite but I still hear them not thanking people unfortunately.

I've also worked with lots of people from all over and noticed that some cultures don't seem to bother with please and thank you and are generally so much more direct with each other - Scandinavians, I'm looking at you 😂

Abitofalark · 20/10/2023 13:01

In shops it has changed a lot. When staff say 'five pounds fifty', it feels as if there's something missing. There's a space where 'please' should be. When they ask me if I want a bag, I say 'No, thank you', or a receipt 'Yes, please.' It would be blunt and would feel rude to say just 'No' or 'Yes'. When they give you your change, in most cases they don't say how much they are giving you, which used to be standard. And at the end of the transaction when you say 'Thank you', they don't. Sometimes they do say 'You're welcome' but the concept of thanking you for your custom or signing off with a polite expression of general thanks on completion of the transaction has been lost.

Blossomandblooms · 20/10/2023 13:04

Totally NBU. I HATE it when people take something / ask for something without the obligatory "please" and "thank you". My DC are well mannered and always mind their Ps and Qs - anyone who says otherwise is likely just rude and obviously doesn't realise it (obviously excluding people who are ND).

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