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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People not saying "please"

83 replies

amiboverd · 20/10/2023 09:27

AIBU to think people should say please when asking for something?

Maybe I'm just old fashioned but I find it grating when someone asks for something and don't say please.

Example - someone I don't know on a Facebook group asking me to pick something up form as shop and post it to them (after I had offered to do this for someone else) and they said something like "if you see one you could get another and I could pay?"

It also happens at work. People send me things like "Article below for feedback".

I must sound like a such a bore but AIBU? Would you say please in these circumstances and would be be annoyed if someone didn't?

OP posts:
ChlorrOfTheMask · 22/10/2023 12:57

To me "please may I" would sound strange and come across icily formal, maybe even passive aggressive.. but then in the area I grew up in nobody ever said "please may I" even 30 years ago. We always said "can I get a whatever please." I say please and thank you but it doesn't bother me when others don't. Tone affects me more; if someone is warm, kind and friendly I feel safe and reassured in that social interaction, no matter what wording they use, but if someone is coldly polite I feel anxious and upset, wondering what I did to annoy them/make them dislike me. Again where I'm from people often swear and call one another names while being friendly. Warmth over manners for me, definitely.

theduchessofspork · 22/10/2023 13:01

Defaultsettings · 20/10/2023 14:58

So “Get me that document by 5pm please” is better than “The deadline for that document is 6pm, so it would great if I could have it by 5pm so we’re on track to deliver”?

Tone and attitude of the conversation is far more important than the actual words used.

The first is actually better, because it gives the key info first. The below would be even better, because the recipient also understands why. I am being picky obviously, but people are crap at absorbing emails and get far too many, so cutting all the fluff is a good thing.

— ‘get it to me by 5, so I can review and send for the 6pm deadline. Thanks.’

ChlorrOfTheMask · 22/10/2023 13:11

rocknrollaa · 20/10/2023 12:25

@amiboverd I am annoyed that you picked out neurodiversity from several things I listed in my post, and claimed that too many people use it as an 'excuse'. You obviously lack understanding and I am interested that you did not make the same claim about cultural differences.

Yup. Finally find out at 34 that I'm not an oversensitive, lazy, rubbish failure as I'd thought all my life but an auDHD person trying to live up to neurotypical expectations unsupported, then bam! Along come the "everyone's neurodivergent these days it's just an excuse" crew to knock me down again because I don't deserve self acceptance or self esteem. Cheers folks.

Rummikub · 22/10/2023 13:19

i don’t routinely say please.

Never brought up to day it. Not even a word for it in my parents language.

I’ve tried to remember to do it but it feels alien to
me and also a bit fake.

Agree with pp of depends on tone.

Thank you or showing appreciation is more important imo.

Tlolljs · 22/10/2023 13:22

I always say please and thank you. So do my children and grandchildren.
If I’m in a shop and the worker just asks for the money I will stand there until they ask properly.

salamithumbs · 22/10/2023 13:49

I think it's rude not to say thanks, but I don't think please is really necessary if the tone is polite, ie 'would you mind doing xyz,' or 'could you pass me the x'.. in fact I think please sounds vaguely passive aggressive somehow! Maybe because I only really hear people using please when they're already annoyed ie 'would you please just stop that'

Puzzledandpissedoff · 22/10/2023 14:18

Tone and attitude of the conversation is far more important than the actual words used

While I agree with this, please and thank you are shorthand for so much and for me it's not so much "why use them?" as "why not"

It really doesn't take any extra effort, and even if it did what's the harm in trying to be pleasant?

HercuIesMorse · 22/10/2023 14:21

ButteryNuts · 20/10/2023 09:45

I say please because it's expected and seen as polite, but don't actually care if people use it or not.

I find 'please' quite rude personally and feel uncomfortable saying it, even though I do. It reminds me of a begging kid going PLEASE MUM PLEEEEEEEEEASE to get what they want. If I ask 'Can you do this?' is a genuine question and request. 'Can you do this please?' feels like a manipulation to try make them do it and like there's less of a choice?

Definitely the odd one out with this, but no, i don't care if someone says please as long as they're polite and say thank you.

Agree.

If someone was directly given something/had something done and refused to say thank you, I would find that much more rude.

As long as the tone is polite and there's a thank you, please is not needed. As you said? It can almost feel presumptive/manipulative to say please.

Islandgirl68 · 22/10/2023 16:25

Yanbu, it is just basic manners to say please and thank you.

salsmum · 22/10/2023 18:02

I've noticed that even kids in adverts/tv very rarely say please and Thank you too when receiving something from an adult etc..

Original poster
amiboverd · 22/10/2023 18:02

@MidnightOnceMore Sometimes neurodiversity is a real reason for certain behaviours but sometimes it's raised when it might not even be relevant. If I complained about a particular person being bad manners and then someone told me they were ND then that's one thing but this is a situation about people none of you know so why assume they're ND. It doesn't make sense. They could be but it's just as likely (or more) that they're not.

I'm neurodivergent by the way so I find it offensive that ND is used as an "excuse" for bad behaviour.

It's possible this bothers me because I'm ND but I wasn't going to bring that into it.

Interesting some of you think I'm ignorant. None of us know what others are dealing with.

@Defaultsettings I agree general tone is important but I'm talking about situations where the general tone does not help.

OP posts:
Original poster
amiboverd · 22/10/2023 18:04

@theduchessofspork if I revived your example wording I would think it needed a please

agree @Puzzledandpissedoff

OP posts:
JamSandle · 22/10/2023 18:04

rocknrollaa · 20/10/2023 09:52

@amiboverd Also - neurodiversity is just one of many reasons someone might behave differently to the way you would expect them to. I'm not sure why you just picked that out of my post. Some cultures don't even have a word for please and don't put as much emphasis on it. Some people had different backgrounds/ upbringings/ expectations. Some people just think a bit differently to you.

I just think it's completely pointless to project your own (ultimately fairly random) cultural expectations onto other people.

Just accept people as they are unless they are actually being rude to you.

Is it? When we travel to other places we are told to adopt a 'When in Rome' attitude.

FizzyStream · 22/10/2023 18:08

This is a massive bugbear of mine. I had a manager who always used to say "could you just do xyz........". No please or thank you and it drove me insane but I was only 18 years old so didn't dare say anything.

I'm extremely pedantic about ensuring my kids say please and thank you all the time in my hearing and I get really good feedback from other people saying how polite they are but in my opinion it shouldn't be an unusual event needing commenting on! However, I do appreciate the praise and it helps to know they still do it even when I'm not about.

mrsDracoMalfoy · 22/10/2023 18:13

I was serving at work once. Served this young girl about 15/16. She was in school uniform. I said "would you like a bag?" She grunted "yea!" I said "sorry?!" She again grunted "yea" I said "yes please you mean"

Thought they were taught manners at school and i dont care if she thinks I'm a bitch.

A manager asks me to do something for them I need to hear a please coz there is one that doesn't say it unless told.

mrsDracoMalfoy · 22/10/2023 18:15

Abitofalark · 20/10/2023 13:01

In shops it has changed a lot. When staff say 'five pounds fifty', it feels as if there's something missing. There's a space where 'please' should be. When they ask me if I want a bag, I say 'No, thank you', or a receipt 'Yes, please.' It would be blunt and would feel rude to say just 'No' or 'Yes'. When they give you your change, in most cases they don't say how much they are giving you, which used to be standard. And at the end of the transaction when you say 'Thank you', they don't. Sometimes they do say 'You're welcome' but the concept of thanking you for your custom or signing off with a polite expression of general thanks on completion of the transaction has been lost.

Totally agree. I always say the amount followed by please. I hate bad manners.

StrawberrySquash · 22/10/2023 18:19

Example - someone I don't know on a Facebook group asking me to pick something up form as shop and post it to them (after I had offered to do this for someone else) and they said something like "if you see one you could get another and I could pay?"

Here I would feel rude saying please as it would feel like a command. Whereas really it's a genuine question.

Coastalwalks · 22/10/2023 18:23

YANBU OP it drives me mad..... manners cost precisely nothing !!!!

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 22/10/2023 18:24

Or thank you. Four times this week, I held the door for people. Of these four times, two were for groups of six or more. In only one case did ANYONE say thank you, and that was a very young child who I'd imagine was no older than six (and I assume learned that manner in school, as opposed to from the rude people she was with). I am honestly getting to the point where I won't bother anymore ffs.

So no. I feel YANBU.

Elodie09 · 22/10/2023 18:27

Good manners cost nothing and how easy it is to say please and thank you.
It isn't going to change the world but how nice it is when you hear
children and adults being polite and well mannered. A little boy pulled over on his cycle the other day to let me pass, I said thank you very much and he said you are welcome. Bless him, it took seconds to say this.

ToWhitToWhoo · 22/10/2023 18:30

I would say please. I would be annoyed if someone acted like they were giving me orders, but not so much by their omitting the word: indeed, some people can say please, and still sound as though they're giving orders ('Will you PLEEEAASE do X?!')

BowlOfNoodles · 22/10/2023 21:31

You ain't wrong! I've done lots of free to collectors and the lack of thank you really sours the gesture.

Knitgoodwoman · 22/10/2023 21:35

The lack of please drives me potty in America! I couldn’t believe it when I was first in a Starbucks.
The ‘can I get a flat white’. End of sentence.
No please. Sounds so rude!
I lived there for a year and no one ever says please, I guess that’s culturally acceptable so not rude, and maybe I sounded crazy with my ‘please May I have’ but I couldn’t ditch my pleases!

novalia89 · 22/10/2023 21:56

NBU. I gave something away for free on Facebook and was surprised by the rudeness. One message just said ‘location’ not even hi or please? I replied manners! And then we had a bit of an arguement and I said I wouldn’t give it to her. I said that for another item. The person I did give it to was polite AND gave me some chocolate as a thanks :)

Potofteaplease · 23/10/2023 10:23

I think that the word “please” is sometimes more autocratic that other phrases. For example “ please action this today” sounds more dictatorial than “would you be able to action this today? Thanks!”