People not saying "please"

[amiboverd]

AIBU to think people should say please when asking for something?

Maybe I'm just old fashioned but I find it grating when someone asks for something and don't say please.

Example - someone I don't know on a Facebook group asking me to pick something up form as shop and post it to them (after I had offered to do this for someone else) and they said something like "if you see one you could get another and I could pay?"

It also happens at work. People send me things like "Article below for feedback".

I must sound like a such a bore but AIBU? Would you say please in these circumstances and would be be annoyed if someone didn't?

In the example you gave, it sounded more like question without the question mark.

You're not wrong though. Basic good manners seem to be thin on the ground especially online sometimes.

People too entitled to feel they should use basic manners these days. No one has any patience either.

YANBU I'm always holding doors open for people in shops etc and rarely do I get even a smile!! Really pisses me off so rude to not even achknowledge with a smile grrrrrrr
Yet I keep holding doors open for these people because I'd feel ignorant not too😳

@rocknrollaa I understand neurodiversity and cultural differences but do often on Mumsnet I see neurodiversity as a possible reason for things but at what stage do we just assume eveyrone is different and therefore can we not have an opinion about anything? You don't know anything about me, where I'm from or my neurodiversity.

I'm happy to discuss but this is intended to be lighthearted and you're a bit aggressive tbh.

@BloodyHellKen There are definitely cultural differences I'm aware of (half my family is from a different country) and it's interesting what counts as good manners in different countries. You often know when it's a cultural thing though and I'm thinking of situations when it doesn't seem to be ie people who were born and raised here.

@Abitofalark i haven't noticed this but I'm sure I will now!

I'm with you OP and I do think it reflects the character of a person if they can't muster a please or thank you. I work remotely so a lot of my communication is by email and the people are work with are all polite and take time to say please/thanks. It's important to express gratitude and it definitely fosters good working relationships. If anyone issued orders it wouldn't be well received by anyone, regardless of seniority.

However I do think some people have to train themselves to do this - I worked in a shop in another part of the UK when I was at university and my co-workers used to laugh at how polite I sounded. It was very busy and they'd below at the customers to come forward- it was a completely normal thing and not considered rude.

@Mamma2017 I definitely think there is a general sense of entitlement and this could be linked.

@pippapipps Exactly this sort of thing too or when you're driving and stop to let someone through. You're right in a way to keep doing it and it's occurred to me that stopping to let someone out of a junction, for example, and they don't say thanks makes me not want to do it again but if we all did this then the world would become less kind and considerate and so it's better to keep being kind to make the world a better place rather than a worse one.

This neurodiversity is used as an excuse for anything is offensive.

Neurodiversity is not being used as an 'excuse', sometimes it is an explanation.

You've lost me now - being so dismissive of neurodiversity is way worse than forggeti g to add please to a routine work email!

I agree with you op. So many people don't use manners. I work in a shop and it's awful the way we are spoken to sometimes. My favourite was a young man who came in every day and just said "bag" I stood it for so long and eventually I snapped "please" at him. Only took a couple of days and he got it. Result shame it's not always that easy.

I'm happy to discuss but this is intended to be lighthearted and you're a bit aggressive tbh.

Saying that neurodiversity is used as an excuse is not lighthearted. It's ignorant and deserves to be called out.

So “Get me that document by 5pm please” is better than “The deadline for that document is 6pm, so it would great if I could have it by 5pm so we’re on track to deliver”?

Tone and attitude of the conversation is far more important than the actual words used.

I've noticed people don't say thanks

Which really gets my goat

I wouldn’t stick a please on the end of either of the examples in the OP, as to my mind that wouldn’t make either more polite. “Please” on the end of a request can sound quite shitty and presumptuous in some circumstances. I would, however, rework the sentences to make the requests more open / easier to refuse, and include some indicator of gratitude.

But then, I also don’t thank people who let me out at junctions either, unless it’s actually a sensible and safe decision (and often, it isn’t).

Yep, hate it. Even more so since becoming a mother, if my son asks for anything I won't do it until he says please. A family member has the MOST terrible manners and I find myself ending his requests with 'please?' sarcastically, I can't help myself.

I had an acquaintance point out that my husband and I don't say please but do say thank you and how she thought that very rude. I found her pointing it out quite rude. She also swears like a trooper regardless of company or surroundings and will at length discuss personal matters, politics and money in lose social groups haha so I guess her rude and my rude are different.

I sent my niece a really expensive dressing gown for her 14th birthday (it was what she had asked for). I didn’t hear anything back - not even that it had arrived. Eventually I asked her mum if she’d liked it. You could hear the shrug in her voice as she replied “Well, she’s wearing it”.
Never sent anything ever again

Re: neurodiversity, my son is on the spectrum, would be diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome if it still was a thing, but he always uses please and thank you! It’s about teaching basic manners. He is always getting house points at school for good manners and that makes me so proud.

I have friends with kids who don’t say please and thank you and I have to catch myself saying, ‘what comes next?’ 🤣

YANBU but it would be helpful if you'd enabled voting.

I agree.

I also share the view with some pp’s that adding please and thankyou to a request in a email can make it sound quite presumptuous.

It depends on the power dynamic between who is communicating with whom.

E.g. From someone’s manager , a message along the lines of

’Please can you do X Y Z . Thanks.’

Would be fine. But if that request came from the staff member to the manager, or to a colleague, it could read as a bit cheeky imho.

I agree they should really say please, or at the very least say thanks.

I had an office day last week, usually I WFH, another colleague messaged me on Teams the day before with this….

’Can you pick me up tomorrow?”

I ignored it.

As someone with a strong English background, I would typically use please for requests, not questions. In the case of the person on Facebook, they’re asking you a question rather than making a request; at least that’s my interpretation.

As for the email you mentioned, I see no reason to add please. The sender is stating a fact/providing you with information. I think you’re being very anal there.

Always using please and thank you was drummed in to me by my parents when I was a small child and I don't think I could actually stop using them even if I tried. I even catch myself saying "no thank you" to Alexa😂

I find people without manners very irritating. If they want something from me, they need to use please or quite simply they will get nowhere. I'm polite but firm.

Do you realise that actually that makes you the rude one?

This whole concept of specific words being the difference between polite and ill mannered boggles my mind a bit. I’d be more offended by someone who was impolite but ended with a please or thank you than I would if someone was polite but didn’t use please/thanks

The first one it’s cheeky to ask at all, but yes a please would help

The second email one I think is fine. I am a big please and thank you person, but if it’s a standard task on an email it isn’t necessary. In Britain we can sometimes overdo the floweryness in work correspondence and it doesn’t help people get to the point.

Even before I escaped teaching 18 years ago manners were seen by a certain type to be a joke, if I said Excuse me to try and get by pupils crowding the corridor there were always a few smart arses who would reply Why, wotcherdun? It was no surprise that the majority of these were in the lower sets.