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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is your long term partner/spouse the love of your live?

112 replies

Lockeddownagain · 20/10/2023 09:19

I was watching a film yesterday and during it it dawned on me that I don't think my husband and I are the loves of each other life's and that's why we have had such such difficult marriage.

Is you person the love of your life and if so is your relationship easy because of it?

OP posts:
Drfosters · 20/10/2023 11:15

100% yes. Almost 25 years and I still wait by the door to give massive cuddle as he comes home from work!

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 20/10/2023 11:20

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/10/2023 09:52

I don't believe in 'love of lives'. DH and I have a very happy marriage and love each other very much but if we hadn't met each other, we likely would be happy with someone else considering how many people exist in the world.

I feel like this. DH and I have been married for 15yrs. We have ups and downs but we’re solid.

Do I believe however than in this world of 7 billion people there is only one person I could truly be happy with? No! That’s just ridiculous.

Sunshineandflipflops · 20/10/2023 11:20

Annoyingfly · 20/10/2023 09:29

You need to stop believing that romantic films reflect real life.

I do not believe in THE ONE, it's tosh. DH is a good, decent man and after 38 years he deserves a medal for handling all the crap that life, and to be brutally honest I, have thrown his way.

Edited

I kind of agree with this. My ex husband and I are divorced but he will always be the 'love of my life'. I say this because he was the first person I ever fell in love with, the one I married and had children with, the one I bought a house with first.

I love my Dp of 4 years very much and he would say I'm the love of his life but I think deep down he knows he is not mine. That doesn't mean I want to be with anyone else because I absolutely don't, but I will never feel about anyone else the way I felt about my ex husband because I am not that person any more and life and my marriage has influenced how I now fall in love.

I am very happy though and love and feel loved by my dp and that's what matters now.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/10/2023 11:22

tara66 · 20/10/2023 10:57

Having a 'love of your life' can be the worst thing ever and for those who say it is nonsense have just missed the experience.

Or it's actually just nonsense.

Mistressanne · 20/10/2023 11:22

I remember when my dsis was divorcing.
She said to me ‘you’re lucky because MrM cherishes you.’
I think this is key. I feel cherished and valued.
Dh and I bicker and it worries me sometimes but then I remember all the couples who never argued but have since separated.
As for love of my life dh is up there with 2 dc and 2 dgc.

Mamai90 · 20/10/2023 11:24

No, mine is more like my best friend. I love him and enjoy his company over most people's. The spark has definitely gone though. He's attractive objectively speaking.

Having said that I'm pretty content, I'm not looking for anyone else, it's comfortable and easy and I'm not interested in swinging from the chandeliers. We have young children and we parent well together.

My parents marriage went a similar way, they are still together 50 plus years later. Best friends really, they never argue.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 20/10/2023 11:25

No because like some other posters I don’t believe there’s one perfect person out there for everyone. I think there are probably a lot of people out there I could have been happy with. There are people out there I could have led a more adventurous life with, or a more luxurious one - who knows?

But he’s kind and loving and loyal and a wonderful father to our children and I’m very glad I chose him and he chose me.

Stupidliefromfriend · 20/10/2023 11:25

Yes!

But it took A LOT of work, therapy, compromise and patience on both sides to get here.

We are now very very happy. I love him so much.

I often read here that relationships shouldn't be work if it's the right person but sometimes you are both bringing past trauma to the table and you need to acknowledge that. The trick imo is finding the person committed enough to take that journey with you.

CornishGem1975 · 20/10/2023 11:29

First husband. Nope. He ticked the "settle down, have kids" boxes and we were friends at the end but he didn't set me on fire.

Second husband. 100 per cent. I've known him from even before I met my first husband, he's the literal other half of me in so many ways but it doesn't mean things are perfect. It's a harder marriage in every way.

riotlady · 20/10/2023 11:30

Absolutely yes. We often marvel at how lucky we are to have found each other

dutysuite · 20/10/2023 11:31

I guess so. We’ve be together 26 years but we are complete opposites.

Oganesson118 · 20/10/2023 11:31

I don’t really believe in “love of my life”

EllaPaella · 20/10/2023 11:33

Yes
The relationship has changed and evolved over the 19 years we've been together but we are a team, share all the same values and goals and most importantly of all like each other and well as loving each other. Can't imagine life without him.

Okaaaay · 20/10/2023 11:36

No. But lots of happy mumsnetters on here which is nice to see.

Lemonyyy · 20/10/2023 11:37

I don't believe in "the one" exactly. I think there are probably hundreds of people who could be "the one" in the world, but as there are billions of people the odds of meeting most of them are slim. I believe my DH is one of my people and I'm so glad I met him, but there are so many choices I made that led to me meeting him and if I'd had a sliding doors moment and missed him I'm I don't believe that I couldn't be happy with a different person.

HermioneWeasley · 20/10/2023 11:41

I don’t believe in “the one”, but I call DW “the love of my life” because that’s how I feel, and after 30 years together she certainly is.

is our relationship easy? It’s had rough patches and ups and downs. We’re very lucky to be financially comfortable which has definitely helped a lot - there’s not much to argue about.

Catza · 20/10/2023 11:41

Kellogg1 · 20/10/2023 11:04

All I’m taking from this is that he’s not the love of your life.
You’d know if he was and it wouldn’t be ridiculous or juvenile to think it.

Mine is the love of my life. I know no other love will ever top this (even if this somehow went to tits)

Show quote history

So? Does it make my relationship invalid? Does it make our love less real than yours? Should I perhaps leave him in the hope that "the one" is lurking round the corner?
Or should I be an adult and maintain relationship with my caring, loving, kind and considerate partner. Abandon a relationship with which I have no problems whatsoever? This is just stupid.
I think what happened with the OP is after watching a film, she realised she doesn't love her husband. Which is OK and valid. But rather than saying that, she excuses herself with the whole "love of my life" story line.

shieldmaiden7 · 20/10/2023 11:45

Absolutely. I still get butterflies around him

Lemonyyy · 20/10/2023 11:45

But in terms of him being the greatest love of my actual life thus far, absolutely. I remember having dinner with some friends and them moaning about their partners, then one of them saying to me "But Mr Lemonyyy is different, isn't he?" and just thinking yes, yes he is.

Superscientist · 20/10/2023 11:46

I don't know if he is the love of my life.

He is the person I want at my side when I'm tired, scared, sick, and happy

He is the first person I tell my good news to and my bad

I don't have to filter myself with him

He knows what I love and hate

He is my family

He is my best friend

He is often exactly I need but he is human too and sometimes we aren't quite what we need from each other

I have friend and she could be the love my life she's all of the above but she gets the news second. She is there whenever I need just like my partner. I would marry her tomorrow if marriage was for platonic relationships

There is space in my heart for many people. I don't do the romantic gestures and you wouldn't see my life in a romantic film but if you mean something to me and you call I promise I will answer (if I can find my phone), if you need help I will do my best and if you need a cuddle my arms are open.

Kellogg1 · 20/10/2023 11:48

Catza · 20/10/2023 11:41

So? Does it make my relationship invalid? Does it make our love less real than yours? Should I perhaps leave him in the hope that "the one" is lurking round the corner?
Or should I be an adult and maintain relationship with my caring, loving, kind and considerate partner. Abandon a relationship with which I have no problems whatsoever? This is just stupid.
I think what happened with the OP is after watching a film, she realised she doesn't love her husband. Which is OK and valid. But rather than saying that, she excuses herself with the whole "love of my life" story line.

Show quote history

I didn’t say your relationship was invalid or not worth working on. I said you would know if he was the love of your life. You know if you broke up, god forbid, you would never find a greater deeper love.

Your response is defensive. I wonder why.

“Or should I be an adult…” we’re all adults here. This is MUMSnet.

avocadotofu · 20/10/2023 11:49

Yes he is. We're been together for nearly 20 years and we've gone through lots of ups and downs but I would say in the main it's been easy. We got together when I was 20 and he was 23 so it really shouldn't have worked especially as I'm American and he's British and I moved so far away from my family. I feel incredibly lucky to have built a life with him.

Blinkityblonk · 20/10/2023 11:50

I don't know why people are hung up on the 'one' aspect of it and then tell us that statistically of course you can't be designed to meet only one person...yep, that's right.

That doesn't mean, though, in my opinion, that you can't have a soulmate. It might even be more than one soulmate in a lifetime, but I don't think most people are that lucky. I would describe my husband (he's passed away now) as my soulmate, because no-one else came close to the level of physical, emotional and mental intimacy that we had, we simply were entwined in a very deep way and it's been very very hard to even consider going on without him.There seemed to me, at least, that there was a soul or spiritual connection, and that's why he's my soulmate

I don't know if it's possible to have another one, having dated a bit and seen others, I suspect not. Time will tell.

I also think souls can meet non-romantically, and that just saying you 'love' someone doesn't always do justice to that.

I don't have a Disney approach to life, but neither have I got a pragmatic one, I was happy to stay single or not settle down, even in mid-thirties, until I met my soulmate . There weren't 1000's of people I was compatible with, in fact, I had difficulty finding one and even in that one, soulmates are hard to live with!

MrsJellybee · 20/10/2023 11:51

'You did not marry them because they are The One; they are The One because you married them.'

1990thatsme · 20/10/2023 11:53

I’m surprised so many posters buy into all this “love of my life “ “soul mates” type crap.

I love DH and we have a happy marriage. I will never ever love any man as much as I love my DC. If anyone is the LOML it’s them. And the dogs…