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Original poster

Is your long term partner/spouse the love of your live?

112 replies

Lockeddownagain · 20/10/2023 09:19

I was watching a film yesterday and during it it dawned on me that I don't think my husband and I are the loves of each other life's and that's why we have had such such difficult marriage.

Is you person the love of your life and if so is your relationship easy because of it?

OP posts:
HeatherMoores · 20/10/2023 10:36

I’m loving all these yeses even if it’s taken some people more time.

Original poster
Lockeddownagain · 20/10/2023 10:37

Just to say it wasn't fiction it was a true story

OP posts:
DistrictAndCircle · 20/10/2023 10:38

I had a long distance relationship with someone for 7 years, during which time I felt love with a power I’ve not felt for anyone before or since. Almost at the level I feel for my kids. Every time I was with them it was like the first time. And it was like this throughout.

But it didn’t last for the other person, so it ended. I am married now to a person who I love, have a shared life and kids with. But the passion and the power was never the same. It was different. Deeper maybe.

I never lived with that first person. We never had to talk about the gas bill or clear away each others dirty pants and put them in the wash. We never had to share the trials of kids and could always just go home if we annoyed each other. So I get that it wasn’t ‘real’. But I still think of them daily and am pretty confident that I’ll never love someone in that way again.

I don’t think the idea of ‘love of my life’ is helpful for my situation. I love them both, in different ways. And although I think about the other person I know that my spouse doesn’t deserve those thoughts. I wish I could stop, really. I’ve certainly never acted on them by contacting the other person.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/10/2023 10:38

DH is the person I love the most, the person I have the most fun with, and the person who brings me the most happiness. I hope that continues for life, but I also hope that if in two decades time we’re no longer making each other happy, we’ll still care enough about each other to let each other move on and find somebody who does.

I don’t really believe in “the love of my life.” Pretty much everyone who gets married does so believing they’re marrying the love of their love. Almost half of them are ultimately wrong.

sekift · 20/10/2023 10:40

How do you mean? Because you've met someone previously who got away, or because you think there is someone better out there for you?

DH is the love of my life because he's the only man I've loved and we have a happy marriage. He's been a significant part of the majority of my life.

BetterPlease · 20/10/2023 10:43

ASCCM · 20/10/2023 09:47

Yep. Absolutely. But that does come at the cost of you both caring and loving fiercely.

When I was married before ( and similar for him) neither of us really argued because we just didn’t care enough to bother, but we argue and challenge and test each other to be our best. Because it does matter.

Our highs are super high, so the lows are rock bottom. But I wouldn’t change it back to ‘meh’ ever and I’m pretty sure nor would he!

Been to this place and I know it well.
It’s not a good relationship pattern to be in… please think twice.

ASCCM · 20/10/2023 10:44

BetterPlease · 20/10/2023 10:43

Been to this place and I know it well.
It’s not a good relationship pattern to be in… please think twice.

Show quote history

It’s perfect for me thanks. We are a great match and are very happy. Cheers anyway!

DyslexicPoster · 20/10/2023 10:44

I just don't belive in perfection in a marriage. My sis and best friend said they ne er argue with their dhs. Ones now divorced and the other seems to subservient. That works / worked for them but I prefer to tell dh what I'm really thinking. He is raising four kids with me, three have significant SEN. He cooks, he cleans He make me laugh. He can be dependable if I spell it out that he needs to do stuff but he's not prefect. He's not proactive like I am. We don't talk politics and science and the meaning of life. But he is there for me day in day out for decades. Who else really sticks by someone's side through life's shit for 30 years these days? It's perfect enough between two imperfect people

BetterPlease · 20/10/2023 10:46

ASCCM · 20/10/2023 10:44

It’s perfect for me thanks. We are a great match and are very happy. Cheers anyway!

Show quote history

Rock bottom lows is not normal.

You will understand another day.

Think on it.

BarleySugars · 20/10/2023 10:48

I think i'm a bad example because it simply isnt my priority to have 'a love of my life'. I THOUGHT my manipulative narcissist of an exDH was but that turned out to be poison through and through and actually, i just dont need whirlwind romance. DP now is therefore the only person i would consider living/partnering with and I think we have a good time, im loyal etc but i just know that having survived the breakup with my ex, im not afraid of breakups anymore and if we did break up, i wouldnt ever be looking for a replacement...

ASCCM · 20/10/2023 10:53

BetterPlease · 20/10/2023 10:46

Rock bottom lows is not normal.

You will understand another day.

Think on it.

Show quote history

Tried normal the first time. Hated it, boring. Dull.

I am a very up and down person anyway, that's my personality and I would much rather really feel things than be vanilla. ( Rock bottom is also very very rare)

I am sorry you had a bad experience, but we are not all the same and I am very happy with my husband thank you.

McIntire · 20/10/2023 10:54

@BarleySugars

It wasn’t my priority and I was quite happy on my own having split from XH 5 years previously. I had my DS, my own home, a career and a good life. Dating people here and there with no intention of committing.

It was a bloody inconvenience when it hit me tbh 😂

Mumaway · 20/10/2023 10:56

I told my mum after our first date that he was the man I would marry. Still together 20 years later. At times I have wanted to strangle him, he is absolutely infuriating, but I still love him and think my life would be much worse without him (even though it would mean no-one elbowing me in my sleep)

KimberleyClark · 20/10/2023 10:57

BetterPlease · 20/10/2023 10:43

Been to this place and I know it well.
It’s not a good relationship pattern to be in… please think twice.

Show quote history

I agree. It sounds rather toxic. The alternative to super highs and rock bottom lows is not “meh”.

tara66 · 20/10/2023 10:57

Having a 'love of your life' can be the worst thing ever and for those who say it is nonsense have just missed the experience.

JamSandle · 20/10/2023 10:57

I've had several relationships and loved them all to death so i don't believe there is one love. I think im lucky to have had several, and they've all been different.

Weatherwax134 · 20/10/2023 11:02

DH and I are not really very 'romantic' type people, but it's been 20 years and I'd choose him all over again (despite the rocky road at times). I think he'd say the same about me. It's not an easy road, but we know each other so well and with no filter, I can't imagine saying the same about someone else.

HelpIcantfindaname · 20/10/2023 11:04

Definitely, but he's my 3rd DH & I didn't meet him till I was 49, 6 years ago.
I can't believe I thought the way my previous hubbys treat me was OK.
DH & I are a team. We very rarely argue & we've been through some tough times. Being a blended family isn't always easy...we live with my DD14 & his DS16. DD was diagnosed with ASD last year, I was diagnosed with St.4 cancer, we lost my dad. & mam had to go in a home as she has alzheimers.
DH has been my absolute rock.
He is my very best friend, & I just regret I didn't meet him sooner, especially as our time together may be cut short.

Kellogg1 · 20/10/2023 11:04

Catza · 20/10/2023 09:37

What exactly is a definition of "the love of my life"?
I love my partner, he loves me. We have a normal relationship which is full of ups and downs. I would describe it as an easy relationship but I wonder if this is because I am a laid-back person and don't sweat the small stuff, don't go sulking for days if we have a squabble over who does the hoovering or similarly trivial things. Is the relationship perfect? No. But it is a normal functional relationship between two adults.
Since my life is not over, I have no idea if I am going to have other loves in my life, obviously. I think this view of relationships is utterly ridiculous and juvenile. Maybe look at the factual problems rather than absolve yourself and your partner of all responsibility for working on your relationship on the account of destiny.

All I’m taking from this is that he’s not the love of your life.
You’d know if he was and it wouldn’t be ridiculous or juvenile to think it.

Mine is the love of my life. I know no other love will ever top this (even if this somehow went to tits)

mrlistersgelfbride · 20/10/2023 11:08

I'm not sure I believe in love of your life/ soulmates, but my partner is definitely not either.
I loved him once and enjoyed his company, but I settled.

I don't think if I've ever been deeply in love with anyone. Lust and infatuation, yes. But love goes deeper and it's hard to get there as so many men are disappointing /selfish /boring and then the feeling disappears for me.

There are many people on earth each of us could be with and be happy enough.

My mum has been with my dad for 43 years. She says she's the love of her life even now. I don't see how. He's been an arsehole a lot of the time. Stopped her from doing things, controlling. She's barely made a decision alone in 40 odd years. So maybe I don't have the best role models for love.

Oh god I sound really horrible 🙈🤣

Nowherenew · 20/10/2023 11:09

peachescariad · 20/10/2023 09:49

Couldn't be further than the truth - he's not my best friend, or soul mate or love of my life.

Can I ask why you’re with him then?

I don’t want to sound rude but I never understand why people are in relationships that they aren’t happy in.

Nowherenew · 20/10/2023 11:12

ASCCM · 20/10/2023 10:53

Tried normal the first time. Hated it, boring. Dull.

I am a very up and down person anyway, that's my personality and I would much rather really feel things than be vanilla. ( Rock bottom is also very very rare)

I am sorry you had a bad experience, but we are not all the same and I am very happy with my husband thank you.

Show quote history

Your partner is meant to be your peace.

Of course things aren’t going to be perfect all of the time but this is sounding quite toxic.

mrlistersgelfbride · 20/10/2023 11:13

Nowherenew · 20/10/2023 11:09

Can I ask why you’re with him then?

I don’t want to sound rude but I never understand why people are in relationships that they aren’t happy in.

Show quote history

I don't think it's that uncommon. People stay because of children, finances , fear.

Volver · 20/10/2023 11:14

Yes. When you know you know.
And it’s not immature or juvenile as we’ve shared and been through so much in the last 35 years together.
I’ll go as far as saying we were destined to be together as we experienced love at first sight when I was 18 and he was 23. We never forgot that but didn’t get together till 6 years later…

Now our DC are adults we are enjoying a new stage in our relationship and it’s great to be free to please ourselves again and travel as we did when we first got together.
We don’t take each other for granted.

SoRainbowRhythms · 20/10/2023 11:15

DH is absolutely the love of my life. Not being with him doesn't bear thinking about. He's great.

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