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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the t-shirt I saw on a young boy was unfair?

131 replies

VictorianSqualor · 08/03/2008 18:29

First I have to say I have no experience whatsoever with SN so do not intend to insult anyone, I just felt quite sorry for a young boy I saw in Tesco earlier wearing a t-shirt saying "I'm not naughty....I'm autistic".

I can understand his parents may be fed up with nosey busy bodies giving them the 'look' thinking he is misbehaving or something but surely to label him in this way is just as unfair?

I mean, it's no-one elses business and it just seemed maybe they were too worried about other peoples opinions than how it might affect him.

I know it's judgy of me to say anything but I just felt for the poor lad.

However the t-shirt did look like it may ahve come from a charity/organisation that deals with autism so there may be something I missed and I'm sorry if I did, but I wouldn't have looked at him twice if I hadn't been trying to read his t-shirt.

OP posts:
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 08/03/2008 18:30

Maybe he didn't know what it said on the tshirt?

themildmanneredjanitor · 08/03/2008 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 08/03/2008 18:33

I think they are a great idea. I wish I had had something when my DD wore her helmet.

One woman really stared at DD with a disgusted look on her face and I gave her a few choice words.

scottishmummy · 08/03/2008 18:35

they are produced by NAS here
Autism is an invisible disability. These good value T-shirts are a new resource produced by the NAS to help cope with other people's attitudes. The NAS Autism Helpline report that they are the most requested items on their callers' wish list. We hope that, like our popular autism and Asperger syndrome information cards and Autism Alert cards, they will spread public awareness and understanding.

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 18:35

omg NAB that is terrible. some people are so thick and ignorant

i ahve been meaning to say to you NAB (hijack) you kno w that pink duffel coat you sold me? well its been the best coat ever! it has been washed a million times and its still soft and cosy dd2 loves it!

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 08/03/2008 18:36

It just seemed that the only reason people were looking at him was his t-shirt, whereas without it they wouldn't have been, which made me quite

OP posts:
mustrunmore · 08/03/2008 18:37

Why does the 'I've got autism' sound much better to me than 'I'm autistic', as per the OP's remembered wording? I'm very curious as to why I feel like that. I'm going to need to ponder it.

And the linked one looks much better then this one

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 08/03/2008 18:37

That is fab!! (about the coat) It was sooooo soft I wanted one.

DD has grown out of her pink M&S one now if you are looking for another one.

DH used to get annoyed with me when I said things to people who were staring but I hated them looking at her. Esp as she wouldn't have had to have it if the GP had done his job. When the helmet came off I just knew people were looking at her because she was gorgeous and it was such a lovely feeling.

ladette · 08/03/2008 18:38

I see where you're coming from VS, but actually, if I had an autistic child, I think I would have bought one of those T-shirts. A couple of colleagues have autistic children, and I know they find it extremely tiring and at times embarrassing, both for them and their children. Perhaps the t-shirt makes people think twice before judging the child's behaviour and the parents' reaction to that? No=one wants to be labelled with a disability - which is probably why you don't like the t-shirt - but sometimes perhaps promoting understanding helps all concerned?

Twiglett · 08/03/2008 18:39

I disagree completely

You wouldn't have looked twice at the child because he was behaving what you would consider 'normally'. If he was having a meltdown, kicked off by something as small as the shop having moved an item he is used to seeing, then you might think he was being 'naughty', that the parents were incapable of 'controlling' him. And you may, if you are that unaware, judge, tut, say something just audible enough which is the last thing a parent trying to deal with a meltdown needs.

paddingtonbear1 · 08/03/2008 18:39

actually I think they are a good idea for young children.

scottishmummy · 08/03/2008 18:43

when dealing with behavioral issues i imagine this puts it in perspective for the rubberneckers and tutters - who are prone to Ooo look at that. deflects from situation

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 08/03/2008 18:44

Maybe you're right twig, I don't know. I just know it made me feel uncomfortable as I didn't think it was anyone elses business, but I suppose if he had had a meltdown whilst he was in there it may have helped.

OP posts:
fordfiesta · 08/03/2008 18:44

It is sad that we have to provide an explanation for childrens behaviour..... now i have a child my opinion of so called 'naughty' behaviour has changed as my ds can be an utter loon when out shopping,if i see a child 'playing up' i tend to feel more for the perant than question the behaviour of the child(if you see what i mean).
However pre ds i was totally ignorant and despite being a reasonably nice person (!!??) would frown apon the sort of behaviour my son gets up to now.... and he has no special needs just a determined personality!!!! So i guess in some ways it takes the pressure off the perants for having to offer excuses or apologise all the time.... Hard to say i guess unless you are in that position....

kerryk · 08/03/2008 18:46

my friends daughter had the condition where her head was mis-shaped and she had to wear a helmet for months.

she had cards printed up so if anyone stared or asked about what was wrong she could hand over a card rather than explaining herself again.

i thought it was a great idea.

Reallytired · 08/03/2008 18:46

I once saw a child wearing one of these t-shirts at our local child development centre. The boy's behaviour was truely horrendous, he was about five or six years old and climbing all over the furniture and if you did not realise he was disabled people might have thought he had a bad mother.

These T-shirts are a good idea for children who are autisic. It is a non verbal way of a parent saying "Give me a break".

Autism affects children differently. A high functioning child would probably refuse to wear the T-shirt.

2shoes · 08/03/2008 18:47

YAB VERY u
I would happily put a t shirt on my dd saying I am not thisk i have cerable palsey. if I thought it would stop people judging her.
you need to get a life me thinks

marmadukescarlet · 08/03/2008 18:48

Mt DS has one from the US that says "I'm being as good as I can be".

I generally go for embarrasing the rubberneckers by saying very loudly whilst catching their eyes, "Do you think you can stop screaming DS, look at all the people staring they have obviously never seen anyone have a tantrum." I find this usually works.

(although sometimes I just scoop him up and scuttle off abandoning my shopping)

nannynick · 08/03/2008 18:48

These t-shirts (and sweatshirts) are quite handy - as they stop people making comments about 'the naughty child'. It's a way of informing the general public that there is a reason why the child behaves in a certain way.
Children with Autistic Spectrum Disorder for whom I care, will on occasion wear these t-shirts/sweatshirts... typically when we go somewhere new, or to a place where there may be quite a lot of people around. I don't like them being used as general wear, but for special outings (say to Legoland for example) they are very handy as a way of informing others that the child has a hidden disability.

expatinscotland · 08/03/2008 18:49

i have an adult friend - whose parents are blind - who has one that reads, 'I'm not drunk I have cerebral palsy'

yurt1 · 08/03/2008 18:56

Last time ds1 had a meltdown in Tesco people didn't seem to realise there was something up with him (because all 9 year olds hit and bite themselves and scream loudly don't they ). Today people seemed to think that him trying to take a crap on a display B&Q toilet was reason enough to have a good old gawp as well. I don't think the T-shirt would make the blindest bit of difference to people gawping but it might stop tutting.

I have cards but can never hand them out as ds1 requires 2 hands (often in fact 4- from 2 people) in public. I've considered a badge that says 'I have autism please be patient', but the writing's a bit small. For the moment we stay with the chins on the floor.

scottishmummy · 08/03/2008 18:58

yes gawpwers and rubberneckers yapping and tuttin are the pits

ladette · 08/03/2008 18:58

and at the end of the day, the parents have made the decision so really it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
But please don't have a go at VictorianSqualor for sharing something that was bothering her - I think the OP was worded sensitively and was posted for honorable reasons (ie trying to work out why it made her feel uncomfortable.) I hope tho that you have a better understanding now, VS?

coppertop · 08/03/2008 18:58

I haven't bought any of the T-shirts but I can understand why people do. You only have to look at some of the posts on MN about people commenting and judging when a toddler has a tantrum in public. Those same people would have a field day judging an older child who was screaming/hitting/kicking in public. There's only so many times that a parent can listen to the "He needs a good smack" or "Spoilt brat!" comments. If the T-shirts help make ignorant people stop and think before judging then good luck to them.

CristinaTheAstonishing · 08/03/2008 18:58

Mustrunnomore - I feel the same way about 'I've got autism' sounding much better than 'I'm autistic', but we had a thread on here some months back and I think I understood the p.o.v of parents who said that for their child autism is defining them, not just something extra they have. (FWIW my son is deaf and to start with I was horrified of the word and preferred the "he has a hearing impairment". Now I'm much more relxaed about it and I use "he's deaf" as a shorthand for "he can't hear very well but he's now fine with a cochlear implant" etc.) I'm not good at searching, or I'd link to the discussion we had then.