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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the t-shirt I saw on a young boy was unfair?

131 replies

VictorianSqualor · 08/03/2008 18:29

First I have to say I have no experience whatsoever with SN so do not intend to insult anyone, I just felt quite sorry for a young boy I saw in Tesco earlier wearing a t-shirt saying "I'm not naughty....I'm autistic".

I can understand his parents may be fed up with nosey busy bodies giving them the 'look' thinking he is misbehaving or something but surely to label him in this way is just as unfair?

I mean, it's no-one elses business and it just seemed maybe they were too worried about other peoples opinions than how it might affect him.

I know it's judgy of me to say anything but I just felt for the poor lad.

However the t-shirt did look like it may ahve come from a charity/organisation that deals with autism so there may be something I missed and I'm sorry if I did, but I wouldn't have looked at him twice if I hadn't been trying to read his t-shirt.

OP posts:
bagism · 08/03/2008 20:54

i can't believe that this is what has to be done to make people accept other peoples kids to be honest, i can tell the difference between disablity and able bodied/minded, don't need a tshirt on their back to spell it out. it's no-one elses business.

Candlewax · 08/03/2008 20:55

Yurt1, I have to say that when I read about the toilet episode, it did make me smile and squirm all at the same time!

yurt1 · 08/03/2008 20:56

You'd be stunned though bagism. DS1 is severely autistic, non verbal, almost 9 years old with severe learning difficulties. He exhibits very bizarre behaviour in public (as do I as I have to hold him the entire time). And STILL people tut. I'm always staggered that they don't get it.

Candlewax · 08/03/2008 20:57

Bagism, no it is not anyone else's business but it is human nature to judge parents and their children. It is the ignorant that cause the most upset and it does hurt. You are doing your very best with the cards that your child has been dealt.

dippydeedoo · 08/03/2008 21:03

yurt xxx i would help u, if i saw u lol xxxx

dippydeedoo · 08/03/2008 21:06

my friends son has dyspraxia she reckons theres oodles of undiagnosed umberella types....... shes had a v hard time in fighting to get people to not be so ignorant meanwhile i just say in a loud voic 'do u want to look at someone else now - youve been watching us for a while now ,were not that interesting' generally that shocks people to stopp looking!!!(i think its easier for me as i dont live with it 24/7 like she does)

bagism · 08/03/2008 21:18

I think i just don't get people who have any comment to make to any child and parent when out shopping, SN or not. My daughter doesn't have special needs, but there have been plenty of times when she's gone absolutely barmy when out shopping and people come up to me and say for eg. oh my god she's incosolable isnt she? Does she need something to eat? She's so upset, what's happened? " Actually she can't stand shopping, and you're making it worse lady".
Before my daughter was born i didn't pay any attention to anyone in a bloody supermarket.

DoodleToYou · 08/03/2008 21:21

Message withdrawn

Candlewax · 08/03/2008 21:23

You have more confidence than my bagism and keep it up! I never used to say boo to a goose but I have learnt, boy have I learnt. It was the nature of my upbringing I suppose, adults knew best, those who were older were better etc etc. I know it is a load of bollocks now and those who know best are the child's own parents.

r3dh3d · 08/03/2008 21:31

DD1 (4, functions at about 8 months) isn't wild about supermarkets and goes through phases where she screams if the trolley stops moving. Not cries, screams like an extra in a horror film. Constantly. There is only so much drive-by shopping you can do before you have to stop the trolley if only momentarily to pick something heavy up with both hands. We get most of our shopping on the internet but sometimes you just have to go into a shop (she's on a special diet and some things aren't stocked online) I've had several stand-up rows with old biddies in Waitrose - we don't generally get tutting, we get anything from venomous mutterings to full-on verbal attacks. By and large people seem to think that she is "badly behaved" and that obviously all I have to do is to tell her to shut up and she will - though her behaviour is so obviously abnormal that I don't know how they think that is going to work. One or two don't much care if she is disabled or not - obviously disabled kids should be seen and not heard and if I can't gag her she has no right to be in the same supermarket as them. What they expect her to eat I have no idea.

I don't know what I'd put on a T-shirt though. Possibly "Yes, I'm disabled. But my mother is a psycho who eats old ladies. So piss off."

DoodleToYou · 08/03/2008 21:37

Message withdrawn

bagism · 08/03/2008 21:41

usually people who take the time to make parents feel bad about their children, by commenting on behaviour when doing ordinary things like shopping, walks in park etc need their own heads looking at IMHO

snotbuster · 08/03/2008 21:47

A bit off subject but -when I was at the Zoo recently a boy aged about 8 or 9 barged through the crowed cafe area closely followed by a carer (I think, as opposed to parent) yelling "Excuse us! Child with autism". I felt a bit sad - was obvious to me that he had SN and seemed a bit unnecessary for her to be alerting the whole cafe to this.

bagism · 08/03/2008 21:52

completely agree snotbuster, no-one elses business

ManxMum · 08/03/2008 21:59

A friend of mine has a DS who had one of these t-shirts bought especially for his holiday. He approached a lady sunbathing topless on her back and 'jelly-wobbled' her breasts. She sat up rather fats as his Mum rushed over to apologise and said, "It's OK, I saw his t-shirst yesterday"

My brother now wants one that says: 'I'm not naughty, I'm blind' for his holiday!! (He is registered!)

eidsvold · 08/03/2008 22:02

but it is - I have a child with down syndrome - her sn is on her face iyswim and still we get tuts and comments etc. So please take it from us mums in those situations - people are far more ready to judge and tut and be very unhelpful than to be helpful or not stare.

Wuxiapian · 09/03/2008 08:25

My son has autism and I, personally, wouldn't entertain this idea.

It's like an invasion of privacy.

I wouldn't want to broadcast his condition - it has nothing to do with anyone else!

yurt1 · 09/03/2008 08:28

How does your son behave in public Wuxiapian? DS1 broadcasts his condition himself as his behaviour is so extreme. I wonder whether a t-shirt would actually increase Joe Public's understanding. So rather than Granny Blogs going home and saying she saw a terribly behaved boy she might go home and say she saw a child with autism and it looked very difficult to handle.

Davros · 09/03/2008 08:29

Sorry, I haven't read all of this thread but I have to say that those t-shirts make me feel uncomfortable. I have a DS with severe autism, challenging behaviour, non-verbal etc. BUT I don't like the idea of making a statement on him (iyswim) that he doesn't understand. I wanted to get him a Never Mind the Bollocks t-shirt but I thought it wasn't fair on him as it amused me but had no meaning to him. What I always joked about getting was a t-shirt for ME that said "he's not naughty, he's autistic (or has autism)" and one for him that says "she's not fat, she takes steroids" ho ho.

yurt1 · 09/03/2008 08:30

Ha- actually I really like the suggestion earlier of a "I'm not a crap parent he has autism'.

Blandmum · 09/03/2008 08:33

This all reminds me of a conversation that we had a while ago, when people lived in small communities and went to the local shop children with disabilities would be know by the community as a whole, and the parents would be more likely to be given support rather than the hard stare and the disproving tut.

Staring is just plain rude, and I think that children with autism often get the worst of it since their disability is often invisible until something triggers a meltdown

Blandmum · 09/03/2008 08:34

Not that ds's dyspraxia is bad enough to need one but if I had a tee shirt it would read ' I am a crap mother and he has dyspraxia, so bite me!'

needmorecoffee · 09/03/2008 08:43

someone worte 'aspergers is one of the worst autistic spectrum disorders. i've only had experience working with adults with this, must be so difficult being a parent with a young child who suffers from this, candlewax. i take my hat off to you, parenting is bad enough, 24/7 job, but to also have a child with a disability such as aspergers really does require the patience of a saint.'

Errr, gonna have to disagree here. I have a son with Aspergers (now 14) and yeah we've had the bizarre behaviour and meltdowns etc but he can walk and talk. Compared to those who have children with severe autism who cannot speak, communicate in anyway, look after themsleves and or ever be independant, we have it rather easy. ds can walk, talk, study, feed himself, wipe his own arse and one day will be able to leave home. If a child can do that, its easier than one that can never speak or understand or look after themselves (got one of those too.)
Just my oar being stuck in.

PMSL at the 'psycho mum who eats old ladies so piss off' comment. I gotta get me one of those

yurt1 · 09/03/2008 08:44

or how about

He may not understand you're gawping, but I do so piss off.

The gentle approach to increasing understanding

Blandmum · 09/03/2008 08:48

or 'You can stare for 5 more minutes if I can sniff your bottom. Deal?'

Having met your ds1, I think the situation is made worse because a persons first reaction is going to be how stunningly beautiful he looks. And then foolishly think that a child looking like that can't have anything wrong with them.

Which is nonsense, but possibly tied up in our societies obsession with good looks

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