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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the t-shirt I saw on a young boy was unfair?

131 replies

VictorianSqualor · 08/03/2008 18:29

First I have to say I have no experience whatsoever with SN so do not intend to insult anyone, I just felt quite sorry for a young boy I saw in Tesco earlier wearing a t-shirt saying "I'm not naughty....I'm autistic".

I can understand his parents may be fed up with nosey busy bodies giving them the 'look' thinking he is misbehaving or something but surely to label him in this way is just as unfair?

I mean, it's no-one elses business and it just seemed maybe they were too worried about other peoples opinions than how it might affect him.

I know it's judgy of me to say anything but I just felt for the poor lad.

However the t-shirt did look like it may ahve come from a charity/organisation that deals with autism so there may be something I missed and I'm sorry if I did, but I wouldn't have looked at him twice if I hadn't been trying to read his t-shirt.

OP posts:
Geri2 · 08/03/2008 19:00

I think they're a great idea, pity they don't come in pink!

They are quite easy to make yourself, with one of those t-shirt printing kits. I made a real girly one, with Daisie chains as a boarder... was quite a good effort if I say so myself!

Graciefer · 08/03/2008 19:01

As a mother of a 5 year old DS with ASD, I thought I would point out that there are many different situations shirts like this can help with, not just for bad behaviour/meltdowns etc.

I can't recall the number of times, people have talked to my son at checkouts in supermarkets and other similar situations, only to look bemused and assume that he is extremely ignorant when he doesn't reply, I then have explain about his autism and how it affects him.

Infact this happened to me just this week, when a nurse at the ENT department was bringing around stickers for the children in the waiting room, in order to reward their patience for the 2+ hours they were running behind. Even after trying to explain DS had autism she still insisted on him choosing his own sticker, which was never going to happen.

Sometimes I just don't have the time or inclination for explantions and I am sure shirts like this would help to reduce these awkward moments.

yurt1 · 08/03/2008 19:02

yep cristina has it right. Some - especially high functioning -people with autism see autism as part of themselves. If you say they 'have' autism then you make it something you want to get rid of.

Big controversy in the autism world and a bit of a divide between militant Aspies and other less militant- parents of severely affected.

Chequers · 08/03/2008 19:03

Message withdrawn

aefondkiss · 08/03/2008 19:04

in a way I don't think you are being unreasonable, on the basis that is no-one's business... but sadly when you have a child who is different, then sometimes you don't want to explain, but you might want people to know... I struggle with this conundrum with my ds who is no longer a toddler and public meltdowns and odd behaviour attract lots of looks.....

I don't think my ds will be wearing this t-shirt anytime soon, but I do think they are a positive thing if they raise awareness and result in on-lookers being a bit more sympathetic.

marmaduke I like the US one, it is more subtle though.

aGalChangedHerName · 08/03/2008 19:14

I think it might stop some of the tutters but as someone who has cared for children with various SN it won't stop all the ignorant folk who feel they can pass remarks on every possible situation

catzy · 08/03/2008 19:16

My friend DS is autistic and she has told me that she dreads going to supermarket because of the looks she gets due to his behaviour. Some ignorant people have even made comments to her and generally it is an unpleasent experience that takes her to tears on a regular basis.

I did not know about these t-shirts but she has said to me sometimes she wishes she could put a sign on him so people would leave her alone.

I wouldn't blame the parents, I'd blame the ignorant x

ALMummy · 08/03/2008 19:18

I think they are a great idea. DS is currently being assessed for possible ASD and his behaviour is sometimes challenging. I have often thought when out with him if and when the time comes and he has been assessed it would be great not to have to explain to everyone why he is like he is. I dont know if I would by this t shirt but I do think they are a positive thing.

ALMummy · 08/03/2008 19:18

by not buy

lollipopmother · 08/03/2008 19:21

People with obvious disabilities such as being in a wheelchair still get stared at though, and people know exactly what is wrong with them. It's not nice to be stared at but I'm not sure a t.shirt will make any difference, they'll just stare, read the t.shirt and think 'ohhh there's a kid with Autism, I've not seen that before, lets stare some more'. Tantrums are quite interesting for some people anyway, that's why they're staring in a way, they may be passing judgement but it's like rubbernecking an accident on the road, you know it's wrong to look but you still want to look at the carnage!

monkeypie · 08/03/2008 19:30

Lollipopmother-Yes people with obvious disabilities do get stared at too but the obvious bit eg wheelchair stops them from tutting if the wheelchair happens to be in the way of something they want to get to. So the t-shirt is the obvious thing for asd kids. The rubbernecking i can take, the comments- not so easy to swallow!

TotalChaos · 08/03/2008 19:41

Interesting, as I can see both sides of this. I can see the OP's view - that it's unfair to the child to disclose his diagnosis to all and sundry but equally that it's a very speedy way of explaining behaviour to others, and if a child's behaviour is going to attract attention and possibly criticism, is it not kinder to just try and stave that off a bit. So I can see why OP asked the question, but I think overall YABU.

needmorecoffee · 08/03/2008 19:42

marmaduke - thats pretty funny. People stare at dd in her wheelchair so I'll say, stop staring dd, its rude. She likes to stare at the walkie talkies.
But I am sick and tired of the stares and the tactless comments 'awww, such a shame, least she's got nice hair' ' Ooo, look, she's smiling' 'You're so brave you know, I couldn't cope'
They don't say this stuff about non-disabled four year olds now do they?
Some days I just want to say 'oh fuck off'

yurt1 · 08/03/2008 19:43

They have t-shirts for kids in wheelchairs too.A variety. But I can't remember the company or I'd link...

RustyBear · 08/03/2008 19:45

The thing about autistic/have autism is interesting, because we were talking about it with the parents of children in the ASD resource at the junior school I work at - the parents all preferred 'children with autism' (which is the phrase we use)because they said it wasn't the only thing about their child, it was just one part of them. But I wonder whether the children themselves will feel the same way later on?

It reminds me of my nephew, who would always say 'I'm dyslexic', not 'I have dyslexia', because he said that was what he was - it was why he refused the extra time he coud have had in his degree exams, because he wanted to succeed as he was, not have 'allowances' made for him

NotDoingTheHousework · 08/03/2008 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TinkerbellesMum · 08/03/2008 19:49

I don't know if this has been answered but the difference between "I'm autistic" and "I've got autism" is that the second is saying "I'm a normal person who just happens to have autism, it's not everything there is to know about me". I hope that makes sense.

Bluestocking · 08/03/2008 19:50

One of my DS's classmates (they're all three and four years old) has just had a diagnosis of autism, and is proudly sporting a badge with this slogan. His parents say they much prefer not to have to deal with the hostile looks when he behaves oddly in public. Now, if any parents of children with autism/autistic children want to help me with some age-appropriate explanations for my DS about why this little boy sometimes does odd and aggressive things, like lashing out for no obvious reason, I would be really glad to hear them.

yurt1 · 08/03/2008 19:51

I often call ds1 autistic, but when I write about autism I say 'individuals with autism' etc.

Actually when out and about I generally just say 'he can't talk' because it means more to most people.

If people are being really ignorant I've started to say 'he's mentally handicapped' but actually they often just turn more ignorant then & I don't necessarily want ds1 to hear himself referred to in those turns. So I save that to use in extreme circumstances and I've only used that out of his earshot.

yurt1 · 08/03/2008 19:53

Bluestocking. I just say that 'ds1 doesn't understand because he's autistic'. That's enough for ds3 (aged 3) who tells everyone!

DoodleToYou · 08/03/2008 19:53

Message withdrawn

Marne · 08/03/2008 19:53

I say t-shirts on e-bay saying 'i have aspergers' , i was looking for a book about aspergers as we have just found out dd has it. I would'nt buy her a t-shirt with that wrote on it but i can see that sometimes you just want to say to people (when dd is playing up) 'she has aspergers'.

lottiejenkins · 08/03/2008 19:53

Heres where you can get the badges from...........
cheshirebadges.com/page20.htm
they come in pink too
and for those who have a deaf child like me
cheshirebadges.com/page35.htm

DoodleToYou · 08/03/2008 19:54

Message withdrawn

sarah573 · 08/03/2008 19:57

I think they are a great idea - and if I thought for one moment that DS would wear one I would happily buy one!

I think I may get one printed for myself 'Im not a crap parent - he's autistic' printed on it. That way next time Im sat on top of a screaming, biting 9 year old in the middle of Monsoon, I can whip it out my handbad and pop it on!