To think the t-shirt I saw on a young boy was unfair?

[VictorianSqualor]

First I have to say I have no experience whatsoever with SN so do not intend to insult anyone, I just felt quite sorry for a young boy I saw in Tesco earlier wearing a t-shirt saying "I'm not naughty....I'm autistic".

I can understand his parents may be fed up with nosey busy bodies giving them the 'look' thinking he is misbehaving or something but surely to label him in this way is just as unfair?

I mean, it's no-one elses business and it just seemed maybe they were too worried about other peoples opinions than how it might affect him.

I know it's judgy of me to say anything but I just felt for the poor lad.

However the t-shirt did look like it may ahve come from a charity/organisation that deals with autism so there may be something I missed and I'm sorry if I did, but I wouldn't have looked at him twice if I hadn't been trying to read his t-shirt.

Yurt, my son can be a handful, yes, but I really don't care what granny and grandpa blog think.

If they want to judge a child who obviously has some difficulties then I think it says more about them!

Davros, I agree. My DS would be totally unaware about it all - just wouldn't seem right.

Ooo yes. That'd do for dd. I'm going through a hostile phase for starers right now and want to slap everyone who gawps at dd. And the next person who calls her spazz or retard really is going to get a smack

Yurt1, excellent slogan!

My son has autism and will have meltdowns when we are out. I have been tutted at, insulted, told to sort my child out and many more comments I couldn't write. What saddens me it is mainly the older generation that protest the most. This t-shirt is in-valuable as it makes people think before they judge. My son is beautiful, stunning in fact, and in a group of children looks "Normal"(Whatever that means!!) until he has a moment.

I would like one saying:

"Give me a break, I haven't slept in 3 years"

Maybe i should get one for dd1, she's only 4 but we get some weird looks when out shopping, she likes to mimic other people which can be a bit , she also panics if there is a loud sound such as a hand drier in public toilets. The trouble is alot of people dont understand what aspergers is so a t-shirt might not make any differance

Thanks for not tearing me apart, I was aware that posting on such a sensitive issue especially in AIBU was licence to be hung but as I said I don't have any experience with SN (well, my brother has SN but we didn't grow up together so it's different)
so wondered how other people felt about it.

I suppose the main issue to me was that people who would otherwise not have taken any notice of him were staring because of his t-shirt.

Also I'm not the kind of person that would make a remark to anyone whose child was seemingly misbehaving, I'm more likely to offer a smile, so I still find it hard to comprehend that otehrs do.

This thread has helped to make me see how hard it must be for parents havign to deal with this on a daily basis so I apologise if I upset or offended anyone.

This all reminds me of a conversation that we had a while ago, when people lived in small communities and went to the local shop children with disabilities would be know by the community as a whole, and the parents would be more likely to be given support rather than the hard stare and the disproving tut.

Staring is just plain rude, and I think that children with autism often get the worst of it since their disability is often invisible until something triggers a meltdown..........

MB - do u think this is why when i was a small child there was children with sn but it made no difference? we knew if darren was playing we hd to go slower we knew if david was playing he got rough and shouty?

when david went to the shop the keeper used to put it on 'tick' til his mum came in cos david couldnt manage money ltho the shopkeeper was wise he somwhow KNEW davids mum hadnt sent him for 9 10p mixups lol....so when people say we never had all this in my day ,we did- just we werent all looking for it we accepted it.

Dippydeedoo, i live in a small community with my son and i am lucky enough to have the support of the village, my ds is profoundly deaf with adhd, dyspraxia and asthma. I am able to let him go to the shop on his own now (he's 11) he has a badge that he wears that i made that says "Mummy know where i am please dont worry", it has my two phone numbers on the back, its so the villagers know that i know he's out and about. I appreciate very much how lucky we both are!

see now lottie thts fab i live in oldham (near manchester) and no way could you do that-altho at church there is young man with cp who we ll know and when i serve him juice fterwards i know what cup he has and a npkin etc ....likewise some children arent allowed certin biscuits but i suppose the church is small community to that effect ....

I was intrigued but not upset by your post VS. I'm not altogether sure about the t-shirt which is produced by the NAS but am sure it has proved invaluable to many. My DS looks fine until he has a 'paddy' but, thankfully they are few and far between.
That poor boy's parents may have had bad experiences in the past. I myself have felt constantly judged over my DS's behaviour.

Ddd, last week in church the children had the chance to stand up and read off a sheet about why they loved their mum, my ds stood and said he loved me because he had hidden a plastic spider in the bath and made me scream. The whole congregation was laughing!!

bagism on Sat 08-Mar-08 20:54:11
"i can't believe that this is what has to be done to make people accept other peoples kids to be honest, i can tell the difference between disablity and able bodied/minded, don't need a tshirt on their back to spell it out. it's no-one elses business. "

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell whether another child's behaviour towards your child is simply bullying or is caused by autism. If a larger child came up to your toddler and knocked him down, you might well react angrily, if you didn't know he had a disability. Or even if another child with no obvious signs of disability had knocked down your lo's sandcastle as one of the other posters described. Surely a T-shirt would help? The thing about autism is it's not just a disability, it's a disability that can get you into a lot of trouble.

Friends of ours sent their dd over for a sleepover with mine without telling us she had Aspergers and it was a total nightmare epxerience for dd. The other child (who was larger and stronger) trashed her room, insisting on pulling dd's pants down and touching her genitals (at an age where non- SN children know this is unacceptable), and kept hitting her. Dd was terrified.

Obviously, if we had known, we could easily have supervised them better so that this hadn't happened. Of course, we didn't blame the child. She was totally unable to understand that she was terrorising her friend. But we did wish her parents had warned us.

The thing is you can't always tell the difference between a child with a disability and one without- it isn't always that apparent. We certainly had no idea, as she coped fine most of the time: it was only certain situations where her disability let her down. She could not understand personal boundaries and other people's reactions. She couldn't understand the consequences of her actions- she tried to swing from dd's bedroom lamp apparently (but thankfully missed). She was a lovely child, she should just have been protected from that situation. You certainly couldn't have looked at her in a supermarket queue and known she was different, not until something happened that made her flip.

I'm afraid I think they are quite good really. I've had to point out to my Mum before now when we've seen a child struggling (or parent!!), she's about to mutter something, adn I've spotted that they seem to ahve autism.

Previous poster was rigght, Autism is often invisible, and all the while lo is behaviing well, no-one notices, in fact, people probably think, how lovely and well behaved a quiet autistic child is!! It's only when they are struggling that we notice and its easy to judge.

Its a bit like the pushchair thing isn't it? I remember pushing my little friend with CP , and he is such a beautiful boy, and someone actually said " I can't believe you don't make him walk, its terrible". MY response was "If only I could".

lottie he sounds a lot of fun your ds ....is it community you have always lived in?are your family there too?

Ive lived in the village for 16 years but in East Anglia all my life, my family live in neighbouring villages. He is a lot of fun but also a lot of hard work too when he get in a temper!!

Doodle, my brother is the kind of person that draws people to him, even as a kid he could go into a playground and kids would flock to him. It's a shame that people don't see that side when they're having a bad day.

NotDoingTheHousework, its ok. I don't know what it means TBH, I think that we will push more because of it and we know about bad treatment and good treatment in schools (they told Mum to put my brother in Stilts - I think that's the right name - and forget about him, it's a special boarding school. They said he wouldn't do GCSEs, but he passed them all, maybe not C and above, but he did) and by the medical profession.

I don't really know anything about how it runs in families, just that it has.

Candlewax, that's interesting. I've heard that the potato famine caused some things to appear, maybe it's the same with Autism.

I think they can be a good idea although I wouldn't put one on my son as I would hate al the 'Poor wee soul and he looks so cute' remarks but then so far he is placid and well behaved in spite of ASD. I wouldn't describe autism as a 'label' as unfortunately, the parents cannot take it on and off like a T shirt - I'm sure you didn't mean it that way though

Ds is autistic. he had a couple of these tops when he was younger.

I was tired of people walking past tutting, or saying he deserved a smack.
Plus it raised money and awareness for NAS.

I wouldn't put them on him now as he is older and as he has HFA he could be aware of people treating him differently. Plus some people have a very irritating nack of speaking to me about ASD whilst ds is there but as if he wasn't. they ask me questions about how he behaves and what his "special powers are" and quite frankly i would rather not be rude to people whilst he is with me

YANBU to feel teh way you do about these tops as there are many who agree, even those with Sn.

lottie ..ive lived in few parts of east anglia myself ...my nanna lives in suffol and has done most of her life.

Out of all this thread the thing that makes me laugh is how often our children with ASD are gorgeous ( mine sure is) but how this seems to illicit that peculiar type of reaction. can't count the number oftimes that when having to explain something people have reacted with " oh what a shame - and he is so handsome/gorgeous/lovely lookinmg too!" as if it would all be ok if he were pig-ugly

Eldest DS proposed a t-shirt for DS2 with " I have autism, whats your problem?" which i thought was quite good.

I never went the t-shirt route myself and now I can get through quite a few trips with just the odd sideways or quizzical glance.
For those who still feel it is no ones business though I would say try and live with this condition for six months before you assess your own mental toughness. I have been out and about with two nt toddlers and have as strong a mindset about other people minding their own business as anyone. But taking a child with ASD out day after day is a totally different experince.
Don't forget that a meltdown is often a point of emotional distress for our kids so as a parent you are trying to comfort a very distressed child. But because this distress/fear/frustration just looks like bad behaviour, you and your child are both being judged. When an nt child is playing up it is bizarrely comforting that actually they are being a shit so you are mostly embarressed. But with a child who cannot help it you are defending them, comforting them, controling them and it is all whilst dealing with the saddest, most tiring manifestations of your childs disability.
Trust me "its no ones business" is very good and ballsy just written like that but that is not the reality of living the lives we live.

I really need some coffee
( I think it is getting to me this week)

DDD we are in Suffolk too, between Ipswich and Lowestoft.

Ahh lottie, we are the same (between Ipswich & Lowestoft) & DS2 doesn't get stares in our local shops. Even when he's got his coat over his head & hiding from the world everyone still says hello to him.
But if I ever venture into Tesco I can guarantee to get stares & tutts.

Max, when we go into the Co-op in Fram its nice because all the staff know him in there. In fact he ends up helping people to pack their shopping!

We are in Aldeburgh but went to Fram last Saturday.

I love Aldeburgh(sorry to hijack the thread)
I love the fish and chips etc and the connection to Joyce Grenfell.