Wanting 18 year old to help clear dinner

[Nomoreminecraftplease]

I got home from work at 630 this evening. My husband works nights from 430pm to 230ish hgv driver. He made/put together a lasagne today before leaving for work. He also put the dishwasher on before leaving. My 15 year old fed the cat. He also Put the lasagne in the oven to cook it and also the garlic bread. And Laid.the table. I served it. I asked my 18 year old to help me clear the table and empty the dishwasher. He said no I'm gaming. And went upstairs. He also wants me to plate him up the leftover apple crumble that I made yesterday. I'm not going to do that unless he helps me clear away and empty the dishwasher. Aibu?

This is why I think this needs a calm discussion at an appropriate time rather than some sort of dramatic stand off.

This is down to poor parenting.
it is young men like yours at Uni who cannot/will not operate a washing machine, clean up after themselves, leave dishes in the sink for flatmates to clear up then when all pans have been used, heat chicken soup in the kettle.
You have done this young man no favours, nor anyone who lives with him.
Training starts young, it is no use now at 18 expecting him to transform.
I expect you will be driving 140 miles to Uni at the weekend to take him apple crumble and bring a bag of his washing home
You are responsible for your son’s behaviour/apathy/insolence/indolence/absurd expectations.
Sons like yours will have hard behavioural lessons taught them in the future.

Kids with no part time job don't automatically have £0.00 to their name. There are various ways they could have money - loose change in their room, savings in the bank, etc. It's not like they get a part-time job then build up an income from 0 pennies.

He actually does have a part time job.

Yep. Mumsnet is making assumptions again. If something isn't mentioned in a post then...it must not exist in real life...makes sense.

@Ahsoka2001 .
Took from yesterday at 19.13 till 12.18 today + 9 posts from the op. to mention he had a part-time job.
Suggest you read ThelmaBorden's post at 11.12 today

@Ahsoka2001 .
Also, he's not a "kid" he's 18. He's an adult.

Exactly.

By 18 it should be automatic / second nature to tidy and wash after a meal. How did things get to his state??

I would have a "family meeting" around a table where you explain in clear terms what your expectations are. Establish as a household how things will work in future and then stick to it.
And turn the wifi off if jobs arent done. I agree that isnt fair on the 15yo but Im sure peer pressure from him and the annoyance will ensure the 18yo realizes they need to quit being lazy and entitled.
Be firm and things will improve.

it's not helping. it's doing his fair share, as everyone in the household should do, from small children up. You need to implement some serious consequences if he doesn't contribute. And this is even more important for a boy.

@Nomoreminecraftplease Learn how your router works and switch off DS18s devices individually.

Blimey! Me, my 18 and 20 years year olds take it in turns to cook. One cooks the others cleans up.

Have been doing this since they were about 15-16. Also do their own washing.

Why are you letting this adult walk all over you and your husband?

I'd changed password on Wi-fi permanently until he starts helping around the house and checked the bloody crumble away.

Stunned he's ordered you to plate it up!!! WTF!!

How did it even get to this stage? I have 19 and 20-year-olds and they would never in a million years think it was just our job to clear up after dinner and tidy up after them. We have to work as a team however tired or bored we are.

I would definitely not tolerate this behaviour from my 17 year old.

But, all those who advocate turning off the wifi, or changing the password, do you not have loads of household devices connected to it as well as phones and computers? Off the top of my head, our many Alexas, hue light bulbs, oven, printer, robovac are all connected and get screwed up if it cuts out. Last time we had a new hub it took around two hours to connect all the devices. I think we counted 19 devices.

Depending on your router it may be possible to disconnect whatever device he is using without affecting everyone else.

There should be an admin login on the router. Try connecting and see what you can do.

Oh no, time to cancel WiFi or change password. Just one selfish person there.

He is 18, treat it like he lives at uni in dorms/house share. Charge him rent, make him cook and clean and learn to be an adult

I was cooking or at least starting the family meal at 11
Me and my sisters were responsible for laying the table, buttering a pile of bread to make the dinner go further and the clearing the table from 6 or 7.
From 12 I made the packed lunches for my dad and my sisters whilst my dad was busy sorting out everyone else.
My mum left for work at 6.30am and got home at 9.45pm three days a week.
My dad worked long hours and often was called out in the early hours so we had to look after ourselves if that coincided with my mum's shifts

My 3 year old helps clear the table with quite a lot of supervision. She tidies up when asked. She will always be expected to "muck in" at an age appropriate level.

Our WiFi allows us to remove specific devices. I would see if yours can do the same. If so, start turning all of his off.

if you don’t have this capability, I would consider investing in a router that has the feature. It’s great that no one else has to suffer just because one person has been removed from access.

I think it's easier to have a set set of rules.

Like on Tuesday DS1 clears up and loads dishwasher.
On Wednesday DS2 does it.

With one of my kids, turned out to have ADHD, they found it very hard to be asked to do something unexpectedly.

They were OK with it when it was their turn, but they had a massive reaction to being asked to do something straightaway. It felt like a sort of threat or an admission of weakness to agree.

Your child isn't a lazy bollocks. Younger kids will just do as they are told.

But for older kids it's like take this example of yourself:

You are in a job, say an office job, and the Boss comes in and asks you to move a load of boxes out of his car for him.

You'd resent that and not want to do it because it's 'not my job' and 'how come I have to do it?'

If your Boss accused you of being mean and selfish and a lazy bad person you'd be upset about that.

Because the Boss got you wrong.
You just didn't see why you got that sudden demand - unexpectedly and out of the blue. That was the issue.

Some people can't cope with unexpected demands.

Yes that's my ds1 he has never been able to cope with unexpected requests or surprises. He has to know things in advance. He has always been that way. Also me and ds2 are like a little team. I usually get home way before 630 and or I'm working from home and we will work out tea and clearing it between ourselves if ds1 isn't there for example doing a.few hours at his part time job. I will usually plate his dinner up for when he gets home from work..I never used to do this but I do now he has a part time job. Also my dh isn't around in the evenings as he works nights

Absolutely, and creating the next generation of shit husbands

@Nomoreminecraftplease
Looking at your last post, think you're digging an even bigger hole.
He knew in advance that he was sitting down to a meal made by someone else.
He knew in advance that all the preparation was done by other family members.
Sat down, ate the meal - his sole contribution. Then decided he's going to his room to game.
Don't be an apologist for his laziness. Stop spoon-feeding one end, and wiping the other.

What absolute nonsense have I just read @Seaweed42 ?

I know it's Mumsnet law to bring special needs into absolutely everything, but OP's son doesn't have ADHD, he's just a selfish, spoilt, rude young man. As for your example, if my boss asks me to help with anything around the office, I just do it, because they're the boss and I'd rather stay on their good side. And in OP's situation, she had made her DS a nice dinner and was quite reasonably asking for a small amount of help in return.

You just didn't see why you got that sudden demand - unexpectedly and out of the blue. That was the issue.
Some people can't cope with unexpected demands.

"Cant cope with unexpected demands?" Grow the hell up and stop being a spoilt crybaby if you want to get anywhere in life, is my advice.

Unbelievable!

I hadn't made dinner my dh did finished by my ds2 but I see what you mean. I made dinner tonight. Me and ds2 ate it together. Then ds2 cleared away and loaded the dishes. Ds1 is working this evening. This often happens and its just me and ds2 in the evenings. Maybe that's the issue? I don't know 😕