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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have unreasonable expectations of SAHP role?

560 replies

Babysharkdodo123 · 18/10/2023 12:01

Currently on mat leave with 4 month old. 22 month old in nursery couple of days as no family around to help and wanted to keep routine.

Dog needed to go to vets this morning for routine boosters so I asked DH if he could take her as i would have to juggle both kids and dog. Appointment at 8.30am so before work. He said no "why couldn't I do it as he was at work earning the money" (for ref I only get SMP).

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry".

So AIBU that household maintenance ie dogs, drs appointments, cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping should be shared in non working hours? If I was at work and DCs in nursery then no one would be home to do all of these jobs so they'd have to be shared out. Just because I'm on mat leave I don't think it should be expected that I do everything and DH wakes up, leaves and earns money.

OP posts:
SamAndEIIa · 19/10/2023 17:40

Pallisers · 19/10/2023 17:26

I think people are missing the point entirely about the laundry. The OP never said she couldn't do the laundry or she expected her husband to do it. She said

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry"

Would you all be happy with your husband directing what housework you do when on maternity leave? Giving you instructions to not visit your friend but instead do the laundry? I certainly wouldn't be.

Where did it say instead of? Surely most people could do both? It’s sticking on a load of washing, not painting the Sistine chapel.

Pinkshoppingbag · 19/10/2023 18:05

Your toddler is in nursery, your second is 4 months old so immobile. YABVU if you think you shouldn't be doing chores whilst at home. Your kids do not need your undivided attention 24/7. You're not working outside the home at the moment, therefore your role is do these things. Once you are working outside the home, you can re-evaluate.

Sayitaintso33 · 19/10/2023 18:26

Pallisers · 19/10/2023 17:26

I think people are missing the point entirely about the laundry. The OP never said she couldn't do the laundry or she expected her husband to do it. She said

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry"

Would you all be happy with your husband directing what housework you do when on maternity leave? Giving you instructions to not visit your friend but instead do the laundry? I certainly wouldn't be.

No one likes a nag, but I think men are entitled to set out their boundaries and expectations.
Afterall, men women leave their husband a list of chores to be completed and send them out on errands.
I think it is harsh to criticise a man for copying female behaviour..

Pallisers · 19/10/2023 18:30

Well if my husband's boundaries and expectations included telling me not to visit a friend and to do the laundry instead... it would push right up against my boundaries and expectations. Nor do I leave my husband a list of housework or errands.

If that is how your marriage works, fine for you but I don't think it unreasonable for the OP to think she can manage her day with her newborn and toddler without direction from her husband.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 19/10/2023 18:44

Afterall, men women leave their husband a list of chores to be completed and send them out on errands.
Not any women I know. He’s not my errand boy and I’m not the assigner of chores.

Sayitaintso33 · 19/10/2023 18:51

spitefulandbadgrammar · 19/10/2023 18:44

Afterall, men women leave their husband a list of chores to be completed and send them out on errands.
Not any women I know. He’s not my errand boy and I’m not the assigner of chores.

You need to spend more time on MN, you will come across them.

Cotton55 · 19/10/2023 19:08

Your toddler is in childcare a few days a week so mostly you have 1 baby to look after. Yes, looking after a 4 month old can be incredibly exhausting BUT not so much that by 4 months, you need to be sleeping when they are. There's plenty of time throughout the day to throw on a couple of washes, run the hoover around every few days, fill and empty the dishwasher, put dinner in the slow cooker etc. Your dh isn't expecting an Instagram ready showhouse. Just tidy and presentable surely? And without the washing piling up. It literally taking a few minutes to put on a wash. That still leaves loads of time to meet friends for coffee, go for a walk in the park etc.

What would annoy me is his comment about him out earning the money.

An 8.30am appointment for the vet is also crazy. Whose idea was that? It would be a pain in the ass bringing a toddler and baby to that so it should have been made for a time when he could take it eg Sat or after work. Or if necessary, you put the baby in a sling and take the dog when the toddler is in childcare.

Coffeerum · 19/10/2023 19:13

Pallisers · 19/10/2023 17:26

I think people are missing the point entirely about the laundry. The OP never said she couldn't do the laundry or she expected her husband to do it. She said

I then got asked what I was doing today (meeting friends new baby) which was met with "oh, I thought you could get through some of the laundry"

Would you all be happy with your husband directing what housework you do when on maternity leave? Giving you instructions to not visit your friend but instead do the laundry? I certainly wouldn't be.

Really? Seems like a bit of an overreaction to get go worked up about something like this.
Even now if we’ve been busy and there’s more laundry or I need a particular thing washed and DH is working from home I will ask him to stick on a light wash and run the hoover over the corridor during his break.

Either way I don’t see how sticking on a wash means the OP can’t see her friend.

MissDani27 · 19/10/2023 19:17

When my OH used to piss me off I'd wash all his stuff just before he got home and make sure it was hanging on the line for him to see 😆.

You have my sympathy OP, although I only have 1 child 😊

HulaChick · 19/10/2023 19:29

But you are at home & not going out to work. You've even got your older child in nursery! I was a,SAHM, with both my kids at the same time and as well as creating a routine for them, they also had to fit in with whatever needed doing, including food shops, appointments etc. I loved being at home with my kids and being there seeing them develop and had a,lot of fun with them. I felt very lucky I could spend so much time with them but I did do all the house chores (except maintenance) but I think cooking was about 50/50. Sorry, if I've gone off track but can't see your OP anymore to remind myself what the question was!! I would say, enjoy being at home with your kids, have a routine but don't be ruled by it & make your kids fit in with you when necessary, such as vet appointments etc.

Lilibert456 · 19/10/2023 19:31

It's not difficult to put a load of washing on. Surely you can do this before you visit your friend. I would not like to be reminded that there was laundry to be done and would show him where the machine was. With two small children I would think that you would be washing most days.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 19/10/2023 19:36

MissDani27 · 19/10/2023 19:17

When my OH used to piss me off I'd wash all his stuff just before he got home and make sure it was hanging on the line for him to see 😆.

You have my sympathy OP, although I only have 1 child 😊

How did that make any point to him that you were pissed off?

You made me angry so I cleaned your clothes. That'll teach you!

WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 19/10/2023 19:50

I think you should be doing it
shopping takes an hour once a week
laundry you just bung into a machine and then hanging it up takes 10 minutes
cooking maybe you have a point, or you could do easy things that don’t take ages to prepare like curries or sandwhiches and soup
picking up after yourself should happen between you both
But you doing general cleaning whilst at home is reasonable

Segway16 · 19/10/2023 19:54

He can take the dog as you have the kids. You should put the laundry on. Being a stay at home parent isn’t just “bonding with the baby” for goodness sakes, and even if it was you aren’t doing that for the entire 8 hours your husband is at work. When I’ve been on maternity leave I’ve managed to look after my children, take them to baby classes and keep on top of the day to day housework. When my husband hasn’t been working he has done those things. When we are both working full time, we split everything.

oneofthosedays23 · 19/10/2023 19:56

I'm on maternity leave with a 6 month old & a 3 year old in nursery 3 days a week.
I'm NOT a SAHP, I'm just on leave from my full time job. (Partners words btw!)

Me & my partner have carried on as normal, sharing duties (he cooks when he finishes early), except I'm the one breastfeeding every 2-3hrs through the night (no my 6 month old doesn't sleep through the night, neither does my 3 year old - shocking I know 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️)

He wouldn't dream of suggesting what I do with my day.
Most days he says "what have you got planned for today, do you want some money?" 🤷🏻‍♀️
We keep our house clean & tidy between us (& some days it's chaos that we both accept 😂) & both keep on top of laundry.

And for anyone wondering about my poor poor working partner doing 50% of life with me, he plays football occasionally, is in 2 bands, so has band practice as well as gigs & sees his friends a lot, so has PLENTY of leisure time. If I want to do something or have plans come up, he cancels his & encourages me to do mine as my social life is rare these days 😂

SistaPB · 19/10/2023 20:00

I’d be quite annoyed if I was at work all day and my partner who was at home expected me to still take the dog to the vets and do the washing while they just met up with friends.
I've managed the vets with 2 kids in tow before - not ideal but perfectly possible. Or as others have said, just arrange for a more convenient time. And it’s pretty easy to just shove a wash on and then spend 5 minutes hanging it up to dry.
I do think he could have asked in a less passive aggressive way but perhaps he’s just fed up with the expectation that he goes to work and still is expected to do a full 50% of the chores.
perhaps you need to sit down and agree who will do what and aim for you each to get a decent period of leisure/child free time.

Fogwisp · 19/10/2023 20:04

WellIdontknowwhattocallmyself · 19/10/2023 19:50

I think you should be doing it
shopping takes an hour once a week
laundry you just bung into a machine and then hanging it up takes 10 minutes
cooking maybe you have a point, or you could do easy things that don’t take ages to prepare like curries or sandwhiches and soup
picking up after yourself should happen between you both
But you doing general cleaning whilst at home is reasonable

Edited

This might be your life, but other people are not you.
Shopping takes far, far more of an hour a day for me. It also takes an enormous amount of physical exertion if you're suffering chronic sleep deprivation and it's incredibly difficult to carry it home if you have a baby and toddler and dog with you. Obviously shopping is much longer if you have a baby and toddler.
Hanging up laundry might take ten minutes, might take an hour if you have to keep stopping to tend to the baby,get the toddler out if danger, stop the dog barking at the door/baby/toddler, stop one of said three puking or pissing in the laundry basket.

Fogwisp · 19/10/2023 20:16

All these people boasting about how fantastically easy it was for them with a newborn baby and a toddler...do you ever pause to think about the effect your claims that everything is so very easy might be having on all the (very, very many) parents who don't have your abilities/circumstances/strength/talents?

Spacecowboys · 19/10/2023 20:17

Anyone struggling with the food shop I would 100% recommend getting home delivery.

Fogwisp · 19/10/2023 20:18

Spacecowboys · 19/10/2023 20:17

Anyone struggling with the food shop I would 100% recommend getting home delivery.

Not always easy/financially viable/sensible.

Spacecowboys · 19/10/2023 20:22

Click and collect? £2.49 per month.

Coffeerum · 19/10/2023 20:22

Fogwisp · 19/10/2023 20:18

Not always easy/financially viable/sensible.

Show quote history

There’s always an issue it seems.

Goldbar · 19/10/2023 20:37

SistaPB · 19/10/2023 20:00

I’d be quite annoyed if I was at work all day and my partner who was at home expected me to still take the dog to the vets and do the washing while they just met up with friends.
I've managed the vets with 2 kids in tow before - not ideal but perfectly possible. Or as others have said, just arrange for a more convenient time. And it’s pretty easy to just shove a wash on and then spend 5 minutes hanging it up to dry.
I do think he could have asked in a less passive aggressive way but perhaps he’s just fed up with the expectation that he goes to work and still is expected to do a full 50% of the chores.
perhaps you need to sit down and agree who will do what and aim for you each to get a decent period of leisure/child free time.

And when the OP goes back to work, will she not also be expected to do at least 50% of the chores? Why is this such an ask?

spitefulandbadgrammar · 19/10/2023 20:40

Sayitaintso33 · 19/10/2023 18:51

You need to spend more time on MN, you will come across them.

Show quote history

I definitely, definitely don’t need to spend more time on MN Grin

InchResting · 19/10/2023 20:44

And when the OP goes back to work, will she not also be expected to do at least 50% of the chores? Why is this such an ask?

This is such an ask now because being at home with small children is fun. Going to work is not fun. Therefore if you are at home with small children, the small price to pay is a bit of laundry (and, in the OP's case, taking the dog to the vet).

Nobody needs a pristine house. The bare minimum is fine, and is achievable with babies and toddlers around.

What has the potential to be problematic, though, is if the OP returns to FT work and is still supposed to be doing all the child/domestic things. If a couple agree that they both need to work FT, then they obviously have to share all the other jobs too.

The further problem, however, is that there aren't that many mothers who genuinely want to work FT and then be equal parents with their partner. Most women (not all) don't actually want to work FT because they would rather be with their children. Most men don't feel the same.