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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Called aside in the office today...

530 replies

whatty · 17/10/2023 23:11

I work in London in a hub office (many businesses under common ownership using the same space) in a senior role (I am female in my 40s). It is a hot desking set up- sit where you like when you come in. Some areas in the office have music playing & some don't (some context!).

At the end of my day today, a senior male colleague (50s) from another business asked to have a word with me. I have met him a few times at sessions where the businesses have been collaborating/ doing leadership workshops. He didn't remember me, so introduced himself.

He then proceeded to tell me that as I had been on calls all day (11.30-6.30 with a short lunch break) that I had been distracting people around me, and "many" people (from his area of the business) had reached out to him mention that they had found me distracting. For info- I had a headset on, and was working with colleagues on budget documentation & talking to my team re: work they were tackling.

He recommended that I use a pod/ room in future if I was going to be on lots of calls. I questioned whether there was a policy re: working in silence/ being a silent space- and he admitted that it was just different approaches to working, and that the team he works in tends to avoid being on calls in the open plan. He then said he hoped that this conversation would be taken in the way in which it was intended. I was confused to be honest- so I said it wasn't clear how it was meant. But that I'd consider his feedback.

When we left the room where we had his conversation, it was clear that those from his business around me were all aware that I was being "pulled aside".

I was livid if I'm being honest- and upset too. I am really busy at work, have been doing long hours, and felt that he had no right to tell me what to do in a shared office space. I accept that I am tired and emotional though, so perhaps should just leave it and move on. However- I also feel like he wouldn't have had that conversation with me if I was male. And that I wouldn't be unreasonable to pull him aside/ talk to him when I next encounter him with some measured feedback of my own.

What do you think? Would I be unreasonable to stew on this- and think up some direct home truths? Or should I keep quiet in the office and on the feedback front. TIA for any guidance you can offer!

OP posts:
Againstmachine · 18/10/2023 07:14

If you are on meetings all day, I bet you are probably a lot louder than you think and that will be annoying People, People saying it's same as being on phone, I have found people talk a lot louder on zoom meetings.

PrinceHaz · 18/10/2023 07:16

In the last year or two, I’ve noticed that a huge number of people have no awareness of the effect of their noise on other people. I’m glad this colleague felt able to tell you.

LlynTegid · 18/10/2023 07:21

Reasonable for the issue to be raised as people have differing abilities to block out noise of any kind, and if you are on headphones you may not realise how loud your phone voice is.

I think it could have been said in a less visible way to others though.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 18/10/2023 07:23

I don't think it's an unreasonable request but it sounds like he didn't express it well.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 18/10/2023 07:25

YABU.

AgnesX · 18/10/2023 07:25

Sorry, but calls in the main office space are irritating. Despite what you think you're loud and even if you have a headset background noise is distracting to other people on the call.

Get a room or even stay at home if you have a day of big meetings.

CrabbiesGingerBeer · 18/10/2023 07:32

It sounds like the two of you have a different view of what is meant by ‘shared space’. You think it means “I’ll do what the fuck I like and everyone else can fuck off”, he thinks it means being considerate of the people around you.

If there were pods available and this wasn’t an office where everyone is on the phone all day, of course you shouldn’t have made / taken multiple hours of calls in the middle of the shared space. How is that even a question?

As for trying to position someone raising it as sexism? This is the sort of attitude that misogynists use to give working women a bad name. You are not the victim of sexism because the person who has raised an issue in a polite, discreet way happens to be male.

CandyLeBonBon · 18/10/2023 07:36

We have a similar set up op and I hate having to listen to other people's conversations - usually men - who are a lot louder than they realise!

If I have calls to make or lots of zoom meetings, I book a pod so o have privacy and I'm not distracting others.

I consider that fairly normal office etiquette these days.

TheresaBouvey · 18/10/2023 07:36

OP, being on loud headset calls all day in a shared office space is VERY inconsiderate, unless everyone else has a job that is mostly calls as well

sc0ttishlass · 18/10/2023 07:36

We have recently moved office to a similar set up and spent a fortune on considering how the workplace should now work.. we've got several spaces for people to go if they are going to be on calls all day for this reason...for me personally I'm loud so I'm conscious of yhis and go to these rooms if I know I'm doing a lot of talking, whereas I stay where I am if just listening...also for me, I end up tuning in to people's calls if yhey are loud so it's really distracting. Sorry you felt upset but YABU

XiCi · 18/10/2023 07:36

Anyone else remember when we all worked in offices and use to talk on the phone and no one batted an eyelid

No. When we all worked in an office we would go to meeting rooms for long meetings re budgets as the OP is describing. Its only since Covid when colleagues are now spread all over the country that this happens. It's very different having the odd phone call than someone talking through a headset all day in meetings. Louder and much more distracting. There was one person doing this in the office last time I was in and everyone commented on how annoying it was. It sounds like this person has approached the issue well and absolutely OP should use a pod in future if available not sure why she wouldn't for confidentiality reasons if nothing else.

Twiglets1 · 18/10/2023 07:36

I think you should reflect on the feedback he gave you and consider whether you were being a bit insensitive. Not just ignore him.

boozeclues · 18/10/2023 07:36

Yep I work in an open plan office, a quick call I would take at my desk. Actual meetings where I am presenting or talking for more than 5 mins I book a meeting room.

I would have pulled you aside too, people around you would have felt very uncomfortable, it would of made them feel like they was egg shells and couldn’t make any noise etc

BeethovenNinth · 18/10/2023 07:39

How many pods are there?

we have virtually none meaning I regularly have to concentrate on close work listening to lots of annoying calls.

if there are lots of break out pods for this stuff, yes use them!

violetcuriosity · 18/10/2023 07:39

I can see why you're a bit annoyed, in your mind you were working and there's other areas in the office that are noisy too.

I can also see from what you've said that you have probably taken this feedback badly from his comment 'I hope this will be taken in the manner it was intended'.

I think some reflection may be needed on your side here. How are you relationships with your colleagues? Could you have moved to another area? Was the manager being a dick or was he just passing on the collective message?

It's never nice being called out, try not to massively dwell on it. Reflect, adapt and move forwards.

pilates · 18/10/2023 07:40

It was not an unreasonable request. He spoke to you in a polite way. Is there anywhere more private you can make/take calls? Most people would find it distracting. I know I would.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 18/10/2023 07:43

You are the one in the wrong. It is inconsiderate to be on calls all day in an open plan office, of course you are going to disturb people. Why on earth didn't you book a room?

To be outraged that this chap pulled you aside is odd, he spoke to you in private, I don't see how this was about you being female rather than male.

Alainlechat · 18/10/2023 07:45

I work in an office and the rule of thumb is that for interactive or 121 type meetings a pod or meeting room should be used. If we have a day of back to back meetings we work from home.

For meetings where you are mainly listening or have limited speaking input they can be done at our desks, short calls are also ok.

Otherwise it is distracting.

Littleoxforddictionary · 18/10/2023 07:48

You have annoyed the people around you (or.at the very least this man). Don't be annoying in the office.

I do think he or someone should have not waited to the end of the day though and just come up to you and said you are a bit distracting and we can hear everything you are saying would it be OK for you to move ?

Leaving it to the end of the day is much more embarrassing for you .

rainbowstardrops · 18/10/2023 07:50

I don't particularly think it's got anything to do with him being male and you being female but everything to do with you not being considerate to those around you.

If it was a call centre and everyone was on the phone then fair enough but listening to you on calls for approx 7 hours would have driven me to despair and I wouldn't be able to concentrate on my job!

Prescottdanni123 · 18/10/2023 07:51

Gentle you are being unreasonable because I have just started a job for a new company where the office is open plan and it is a bit awkward as we all try to find a way of working together while keeping distractions to a minimum. If his colleagues had been complaining to him about it, then it is his job to take these complaints on board and try to find a solution. Shared office spaces should be reasonably quiet I'm afraid. The occasional zoom call etc is probably alright but if you were talking for 6 hours it must have been distracting and irritating.

FabFitFifties · 18/10/2023 07:51

Hmm, could you be quieter? I don't think you should spend all day in a pod,as a senior member of staff I imagine you need to be amongst your team. My team are guilty of this. We are the only nurses/health in a very open office space. Our job is stressful, so we banter when together, and we tend to be very enthusiatic on the phone to clients. Everyone around us works in virtual silence and not interacting much. There were a few complaints when we moved in - I think they are used to us now, but maybe they sit seething all day and hate us. I would try talking a little more quietly if you can. We do teams meetings in our cars or the one room that's available.

NutellaWithEverything · 18/10/2023 07:51

YABU

Irishwitchsocks · 18/10/2023 07:51

Even at work in our offices we have little booths so people can take calls and not disturb others!

runningpram · 18/10/2023 07:52

Well I would be annoyed too! Every office ive worked in people make calls , talk and work. It’s an office not a library.This all seems to fit in with the post covid trend of
people being scared to use phones or talk face to face.
I would suggest his team works from home if they want library quiet.
Perhaps for some guidance from HR on whether it’s down to you to book a room when working long hours and making calla for the business.