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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Called aside in the office today...

530 replies

whatty · 17/10/2023 23:11

I work in London in a hub office (many businesses under common ownership using the same space) in a senior role (I am female in my 40s). It is a hot desking set up- sit where you like when you come in. Some areas in the office have music playing & some don't (some context!).

At the end of my day today, a senior male colleague (50s) from another business asked to have a word with me. I have met him a few times at sessions where the businesses have been collaborating/ doing leadership workshops. He didn't remember me, so introduced himself.

He then proceeded to tell me that as I had been on calls all day (11.30-6.30 with a short lunch break) that I had been distracting people around me, and "many" people (from his area of the business) had reached out to him mention that they had found me distracting. For info- I had a headset on, and was working with colleagues on budget documentation & talking to my team re: work they were tackling.

He recommended that I use a pod/ room in future if I was going to be on lots of calls. I questioned whether there was a policy re: working in silence/ being a silent space- and he admitted that it was just different approaches to working, and that the team he works in tends to avoid being on calls in the open plan. He then said he hoped that this conversation would be taken in the way in which it was intended. I was confused to be honest- so I said it wasn't clear how it was meant. But that I'd consider his feedback.

When we left the room where we had his conversation, it was clear that those from his business around me were all aware that I was being "pulled aside".

I was livid if I'm being honest- and upset too. I am really busy at work, have been doing long hours, and felt that he had no right to tell me what to do in a shared office space. I accept that I am tired and emotional though, so perhaps should just leave it and move on. However- I also feel like he wouldn't have had that conversation with me if I was male. And that I wouldn't be unreasonable to pull him aside/ talk to him when I next encounter him with some measured feedback of my own.

What do you think? Would I be unreasonable to stew on this- and think up some direct home truths? Or should I keep quiet in the office and on the feedback front. TIA for any guidance you can offer!

OP posts:
PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 18/10/2023 11:42

AIstolemylunch · 18/10/2023 11:18

Yes, I'm not saying that is appropriate. Publicly pulling someone aside to give them a dressing down is not a grown up (or professional) conversation. And doing it to someone who doesnt actually work for you is an HR issue.

Show quote history

Having read your other posts I genuinely don't think you have seen what a grown-up, professional conversation looks like in the workplace. Your company sounds very badly run indeed.

MaryMcCarthy · 18/10/2023 11:43

To caveat the story with "some areas have music playing" just suggests you don't understand the impact you're having.

They've chosen to have music playing. They haven't chosen to hear someone talking about irrelevances for six hours. That's a real lack of self awareness. Bringing sexism into it and threatening "home truths" is just childish and pathetic. Attitudes like yours make it harder for other women. Sorry but you really don't come across like someone in a senior role.

Countryliving0180 · 18/10/2023 11:44

I had this once. Lady pretty much didn't get off the phone once. I was so frustrated I had to leave. I wasn't frustrated at her as she had no choice it was her job BUT I couldn't handle it. Also don't think she knew how much her voice travelled or how loud she actually was

EarlGreywithLemon · 18/10/2023 11:49

Well done taking the responses here on board. I'm also in my 40s, relatively senior, working for a London based company with an open plan office. I also often have back to back calls. For all it's worth, I'm glad times have changed (if that's the reason- I think it's more that etiquette is different from office to office). I started my career in a very noisy open plan office. I got used to it, but if I had to do any drafting or work that required deep concentration, I had to put headphones on.

The office I work in right now is, thankfully, quiet, and it turns out I can get much better quality of work done. Calls are taken in phone booths or meeting rooms. Very rarely, someone will take a call in the open plan office, and it's so distracting. I'm sorry to say that there are murmurs of "have they never heard of a meeting room?" between their colleagues.

If you know you have a day of calls ahead and don't want to sit in a booth, why not work from home that day?

If you don't mind me saying, it's a bit disingenuous to bemoan that you can't talk to people if you're in a pod. You can't talk to them anyway if you're in back to back calls. All you're doing, I'm sorry to say, is disturbing them.

Wonderfulstuff · 18/10/2023 12:18

Something weird has happened during the push to get people back in the office after covid and that is that people have forgotten that offices are noisy places. Pre Covid I would spend most of the day on the phone and nobody cared.

Post Covid I spend most of the day on zoom. And yet it has now become verboten to make noise in the shared office space. In our fancy city office the pods don't have ac (small usb powered fans are available) so I can't spend the day in a pod. Meeting rooms are of a premium so understandably you get kicked out if you are on you're own. My only option is to work/zoom at my desk.

Of course I could do this from home and not be a bother to anyone but then I'd be missing 'important water cooler moments'... i.e. someone bitching about the lack of meeting rooms and how they are distracted by all the noise and not able to get their work done.

Colourfulponderings · 18/10/2023 12:28

ThanksItHasPockets · 18/10/2023 09:51

Pre-Covid it was normal to undertake nearly seven hours of conference calls in an open-plan office? My professional life has been spent in the education sector rather than business so I can’t claim any expertise but I do question this assertion.

Show quote history

Yes, in B2B businesses that I’ve worked in for the past 15 years, sales and customer support would be on calls (with a headset like OP) in the open plan office the majority of the day.

They would usually sit one end, other medium noise departments in the middle (marketing, HR) and developers at the other end to try and give them the quieter side.

This has been a fairly typical set up in all the offices I’ve worked in. Nowadays though my colleagues are mostly remote but when they are in the office try to book out rooms to have calls in because of the contrast to doing the calls in the quiet of home.

That’s my experience anyway.

JFDIYOLO · 18/10/2023 12:33

Interesting experience last week - no since in the call centre where I usually sit so I found a spot in the Quiet zone. No calls, no conversations, etc.

OMG the amount of BREATHING and SLURPING and RUSTLING I noticed in the super quiet room.

More distracting than the constant customer calls.

Thedm · 18/10/2023 12:41

He didn’t do anything wrong, and I think actually would have spoken to a male colleague the same way. You were being disingenuous when you pretended not to understand what he meant when he said he hoped you would take it in the right spirit. It was a friendly request from a colleague after multiple members of his team had complained. It wasn’t a telling off; just a chat to find a friendly way forward.

If there are pods available for noisy work then you really should be using those if you’ve got a whole day of speaking on calls, as yin were disruptive to others. In a shared space, you have to rub along so you don’t do things like that if there are other options.

Womencanlift · 18/10/2023 12:41

Well most people on here are utterly wrong!

Well there we go everyone. The thread can be closed now as @Platypuslover has spoken and told us we are all wrong

Anyway back in the real world of a discussion forum where multiple people can input, I have to agree with the majority. Do you have set days in the office OP as I would never even contemplate going into the office on a day of back to back calls? No point what so ever and as you have found out distracting for others

On the reason on why it is distracting is that these days there are more calls, previously when everyone was in the office you would all just get in a room or indeed in any office I have worked in a pod if you were dealing with colleagues abroad. Now there will always likely be one person on the meeting list that will not be there in person so a call is needed. Also less people in means less background noise for calls to blend into

socialdilemmawhattodo · 18/10/2023 12:53

Hellocatshome · 17/10/2023 23:19

I think he handled it well. If course people will know you were being "pulled aside" because they had raised concerns to him and then seen him approach you. Not a big deal, take kn board the feedback and book a room next time you need to make calls all day. The music thing is a non issue, its totally different.t having background music to listening to one side of a conversation all day.

I dont agree about music at all. I have just finished working with someone for who over 2 years insisted about the radio being on. Add into that walkie-talkie radios and it made my working conditions very difficult. I work in an environment where no-one gives a shit. I ended up having to change my hours (unofficially) to avoid as much of that as I could.

justteanbiscuits · 18/10/2023 12:55

Using a phone is one ear so you hear whether you are being loud and can adjust your voice. The problem with headsets is you speak louder. It's REALLY annoying in shared offices. Only yesterday my colleague had to speak to someone to ask them to move to a pod as they were so loud. And that was a man.

It's just basic politeness. Hire an office for the day or get one of those USB second screens.

ChilliPixie · 18/10/2023 13:05

Sorry OP - he's right. When I am in the office (which is open plan) and I need to make a lot of calls or I know my call is going to go on a while, I go into a meeting room. It is really distracting to have to sit and overhear another person's call when you are trying to concentrate on your own work and make calls.

Toefingers · 18/10/2023 13:08

I’m impressed the OP has the humility to admit she was wrong about this and her reaction to the manager who engaged with her in a professional way. Lots of people in this situation would get defensive. Best to admit you were in the wrong, change your schedule/ behaviour and put it behind you.

I agree with all the other commenters that it isn’t acceptable to be on the phone for hours doing collaborative work in these kinds of office settings. In the past I’ve worked with a very loud woman who preferred to communicate via phone rather than email and it was difficult to work in the same space as her. I’ve also worked in busy environments where calls are fine because it’s so loud, it just depends on the context and type of work. It’s usually pretty obvious to most people.

Maybe try and self reflect a bit more on how your behaviours might be impacting on others as you’ve realised that you have a blind spot here. This guy has done you a big favour- so thank him and acknowledge that all feedback is a gift. Learn and move on.

legominfig · 18/10/2023 13:15

YANBU

It’s not as if you were chatting to friends in work time.

Being on the phone is part of your work.

The potential to be distracted is the downside of an open office and hot desking - the management must have known this when they decided to go for open plan hot desking?

They want peace and quiet, fewer distractions - then give you an office of your own. With a door. Not bookable but your own.

Schools fell out with open plan classrooms for all of the same reasons years ago.

Z1hun · 18/10/2023 13:18

I do have to ask why ypu would want everybody to hear your one sided conversation, particularly people in different companies. I have to agree with him that being on calls all day can get distracting and irritating for surrounding colleagues.

SacAMain · 18/10/2023 13:18

legominfig · 18/10/2023 13:15

YANBU

It’s not as if you were chatting to friends in work time.

Being on the phone is part of your work.

The potential to be distracted is the downside of an open office and hot desking - the management must have known this when they decided to go for open plan hot desking?

They want peace and quiet, fewer distractions - then give you an office of your own. With a door. Not bookable but your own.

Schools fell out with open plan classrooms for all of the same reasons years ago.

you seem to have missed out the fact it's a hub office for a start

Galatea79 · 18/10/2023 13:20

All I can say is I have a loud voice (naturally) and it's possibly louder when I have my noise cancelling headset so I'm ultra aware of how I might distract my office particularly as I was allowed to transfer from another office and do not do the same work as most around me. I usually work from home so it's not a big deal but I am mindful of the impact. This guy offered you a viable solution that should keep everyone happy and also give you some privacy as it sounds like parts of your convo might be confidential too. Don't take it to heart, you're just doing your job and as a manager he's doing his (and IMHO, and FD I'm a bloke, I don't think this has ANYTHING to do with gender).

AliceOlive · 18/10/2023 13:21

legominfig · 18/10/2023 13:15

YANBU

It’s not as if you were chatting to friends in work time.

Being on the phone is part of your work.

The potential to be distracted is the downside of an open office and hot desking - the management must have known this when they decided to go for open plan hot desking?

They want peace and quiet, fewer distractions - then give you an office of your own. With a door. Not bookable but your own.

Schools fell out with open plan classrooms for all of the same reasons years ago.

I completely agree with this.

Mememe9898 · 18/10/2023 13:24

It’s got nothing to do with being male or female. If someone in my team was on calls all day I’d suggest a room as well. Who wants to hear someone else talking on calls all day long esp wearing a headset as you won’t realise how loud you are being.
There’s a serious lack of self awareness here and understanding of the office etiquette.
Im sure most of them just wanted to focus on their work but had to listen to you talking all day.

Grmumpy · 18/10/2023 13:34

Bedlam if everyone is talking on calls. Nothing to do with being a woman. Yabu

AskingForAFriend12 · 18/10/2023 13:37

I think I would have dragged you to the pod myself after only couple of hours....

MummyJ36 · 18/10/2023 13:53

Ah OP I understand the embarrassment. I do think as you say that times have changed post covid. Whilst office’s used to be bustling places full of chatter and noise, the rise of WFH has definitely changed what we consider a normal level of noise whilst working. I find my office these days is generally only a third full at best so if someone were to be on calls all day it would feel disruptive.

vernatheraven · 18/10/2023 13:55

I am female at the same level.

I also wear a headset and hot desk if I'm in the office but use a room if I'm on calls all
Day or if they are going to be longer than a couple of minutes because I don't want everyone listening to me and I don't think they should have to listen to me either.

toomuchfaff · 18/10/2023 14:10

don't bring misogyny into this, it's nothing to do with gender roles, he was being an advocate for his team. There's nothing more annoying than someone nearby making noise, regardless if they are in official calls, playing music, chatting loudly to someone else... its distracting and it ruins the ambience of a quiet shared space. Find a meeting room. There isn't anyone around who is impressed by how many calls you have to attend and how much work you're involved in.