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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if all these parents who expect family support have given family support

120 replies

lesserspotted · 17/10/2023 20:00

I'm always amazed at the people on here who add " we don't have any family support" to their posts, as if "family support" is an expectation, and you are hard done by if you don't get it. It seems like people expect their relatives to come and do work for them, child care, housework, DIY, etc.

Surely relatives have their own lives, and their own work? I don't know how people are expected to find hours of free time suddenly just because someone they are related to has a baby.

"Family support" is not something I have ever witnessed or experienced in my own life, as a child or a parent, or among friends.

I wonder if the people who are upset they don't have any have actually given "family support" themselves when relatives have had children

OP posts:
SaracensMavericks · 17/10/2023 20:05

I'm not sure if this is the what you mean, but I had a fair amount of help from my parents and I plan to "pay this forward" and help as much as I can when my kids have children of their own.

Desecratedcoconut · 17/10/2023 20:08

We've never really needed much family support, but it has been incredibly useful at some key points - usually a medical emergency- and we've been grateful for it. But we also live in a family that shares stuff/ skills/ time.

HamBone · 17/10/2023 20:09

I imagine it varies from family to family. I was surprised when DH’s parents weren’t v. interested in their GC once they were no longer babies, because I know that their own parents helped them out-looked after their children while they went on holiday, for example.

DH and I do try to support our parents in various ways, because we think we should/it’s the right thing to do. 🤷

takealettermsjones · 17/10/2023 20:10

Surely you normally only give "family support" after you've already had it... i.e. when you become a grandparent.

Coffeedrinker7 · 17/10/2023 20:11

I think it’s fair to add it to give your situation context, as otherwise you’ll get suggestions of “can’t your parents babysit” etc.It also does make a massive difference to your way of life, I think. It also varies so much- when my DC were little we had absolutely no family nearby. I knew plenty of other families where the parents did school pick ups, overnights etc.

My mum died before my DC were born, I’m sure if she was around she would have been in there like a shot with the grandkids! I’d definitely like to be able to help my DDs out with their kids when the time comes- I just need to convince them to stay close by!

lifeturnsonadime · 17/10/2023 20:11

I wonder if the ones who rely on their parents heavily for childcare now understand that they may not be able to do the same for their children, even if they want to, with rising retirement ages.

I have never had grandparents to rely on and I find it astonishing that people don't see what a big ask this is. Some grandparents are happy to do it obviously but it being an expectation baffles me.

roseopose · 17/10/2023 20:13

My grandparents helped with me and my sister a lot and we were very close. My mum helps me out with DD and helped her parents when they were old. I also helped my grandparents before they died with getting to appointments, took them shopping etc which took some of the load off my mum. I plan to help my own mum when she needs. None of this is transactional or expected in my family, it is just what we do, because we care about each other and want to support one another.

truptantripping · 17/10/2023 20:14

No not expectation!!

Single parent. I don't have anyone but me caring for my kids.

I add no family support because invariably the brightspark(!) I'm talking to says have you asked a relative to help or similar.

Better to head off the stupid comments.

ID HAVE TAKE THE SUPPORT IF I HAD IT AVAILABLE!!

TheFairyCaravan · 17/10/2023 20:14

We never had any family support so are incredibly aware of how difficult it is to bring up children with no one to call on. With that in mind, we’ve already told DS2 and DDIL, who are expecting their first baby and our first grandchild, that although we don’t live near to them we will do all we can to help them out.

Her parents are local, and will help, but we’re quite happy to have the child here, for holidays, when they’re ready to save on childcare expenses, or so that they can have a weekend away or whatever. We’re already pencilled in for a weekend next autumn 😂

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 17/10/2023 20:15

Family support isn't always about that grandparent doing weekly babysitting though, or being at your beck and call, sometimes its just knowing there is back up in an emergency. Or emotional support when times get tough. Not everyone has that.

PosterBoy · 17/10/2023 20:16

We're all quite happy to help each other and I wouldn't even say we were a particularly close family. It's just a life viewpoint I suppose.

truptantripping · 17/10/2023 20:16

People want there to be family support for for single parents so they don't feel bad about not offering the odd lift or similar

That's my feeling too.

This is such a weird thread

Mumofsend · 17/10/2023 20:16

Family support can make a huge difference. Whilst it isn't an obligation, I do think the meaning of family is to support each other as much as possible.

I find it quite jarring my parents will just about watch one of my DC for a few hours for an essential need but I was packed off to my grandparents for weeks on end. My same parents also like me to do a lot for them like running the damn dog to the hairdresser. I'd like to offer my own DC far more than I've received as they have their own families.

truptantripping · 17/10/2023 20:18

Mumofsend · 17/10/2023 20:16

Family support can make a huge difference. Whilst it isn't an obligation, I do think the meaning of family is to support each other as much as possible.

I find it quite jarring my parents will just about watch one of my DC for a few hours for an essential need but I was packed off to my grandparents for weeks on end. My same parents also like me to do a lot for them like running the damn dog to the hairdresser. I'd like to offer my own DC far more than I've received as they have their own families.

My view on this is you are incredibly lucky to have someone to watch your child for an essential need.

We see it differently- you compare to your experiences growing up and I compare to my life now.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 17/10/2023 20:19

I see lot more posts full of disbelief that you have no family/friends support, especially family. In fact , the main advice is to ask family for support, even when posters say they have none.

megletthesecond · 17/10/2023 20:19

Family support is pretty normal. As a lone parent I had help from mine. What help was I meant to give healthy, active parents in return? They won't even let me buy them birthday and Xmas presents so I can save my money. I have nothing I can offer.

Lostcotter · 17/10/2023 20:19

lesserspotted · 17/10/2023 20:00

I'm always amazed at the people on here who add " we don't have any family support" to their posts, as if "family support" is an expectation, and you are hard done by if you don't get it. It seems like people expect their relatives to come and do work for them, child care, housework, DIY, etc.

Surely relatives have their own lives, and their own work? I don't know how people are expected to find hours of free time suddenly just because someone they are related to has a baby.

"Family support" is not something I have ever witnessed or experienced in my own life, as a child or a parent, or among friends.

I wonder if the people who are upset they don't have any have actually given "family support" themselves when relatives have had children

It’s a really good point actually. Can I say this can also apply to those who demand / expect friend support?

I used to look after the kids of many of my friends overnight, take them on day trips, buy them books etc and I still don’t have kids btw, so I wasn’t even doing it with the expectation of getting it returned. I also still turn up to friends kids birthday parties when invited and bring presents etc

conversely I have friends who didn’t do any of those things for our/their friends kids, but when they had a child expected their social circle to “be the village” 🙄 one(former) friend in particular I’m thinking of never bought presents for any of the kids in our friendship circle until she was pregnant when she started randomly talking about how important it was to give presents to her friends with kids… just before she threw herself a baby shower 😂 convenient eh

catbla2957 · 17/10/2023 20:19

I always say I don't have family support. We live the other end of the country. I don't need help day to day, but in an emergency it would be great to be able to call grandma/ great aunty Joan. It's hard not to have that option

Cumbrianlife · 17/10/2023 20:20

If they can, in my family we all help each other. We have a great set of skills amongst us. For example, I'm a florist and cake maker. I've three family weddings in the next year. That will be my gift. It saves the couples easily £1,000+. One DB decorates for me, another is a mechanic...

Sugarcoatedcandycane · 17/10/2023 20:20

YABU.

For me personally, when I decided to have kids, it wasn’t to raise a human from birth to 18 and close the door.
It’s not an obligation/law to have children.

Part of deciding to have children (for me) is also understanding it’s a lifelong commitment which will likely mean grandchildren, adult children going through crisis etc.

If my child gets to 30 and suddenly has an accident leaving them disabled requiring support, it is my duty to assist as much as I can with that. The government didn’t decide to have them, my friends didn’t decide to have them, strangers in the street didn’t decide to have them. I did. You do so on the understanding that the line may not then stop with you. Generations continue, a line you’ve now decided to start.

IMO if you decide to have the responsibility of bringing a human life into the world, you enter a lifelong obligation to that person. Not just 18 years and then you can wash your hands. You may aswel just just get a dog.

But what if your child is feckless, rude and entitled? Then it’s your job to raise them not to be. But what if you raise them right and they still turn out a wrong’un?
That’s the gamble you take when you have children.

That being said, I don’t think that means you have to put your life on hold and revolve it around adult dc. But they should always have some support from the people who chose to bring them into this harsh world.

Headingforholidays · 17/10/2023 20:20

We all offer each other support in different ways, so yes, my parents and sister look after my kids, but I help them in other ways, because we are a family so we want to - it isn't about keeping a tally of who did what.

stargirl1701 · 17/10/2023 20:21

Isn't that the entire concept of family, OP? Support and love? Humans require codependence to thrive. It's how we evolved.

HamBone · 17/10/2023 20:21

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 17/10/2023 20:15

Family support isn't always about that grandparent doing weekly babysitting though, or being at your beck and call, sometimes its just knowing there is back up in an emergency. Or emotional support when times get tough. Not everyone has that.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel That’s so true. This is what we lacked-DH’s parents have refused to help us in medical emergencies and there’s certainly no emotional support! My Mum died before I had children and my Dad needs lots of emotional and physical support.

DH and I have talked about this and decided that if we have GC, we’ll definitely offer more support if our children want it. Even DH is surprised at how his parents behaved.
Of course, they like more involvement now the GC are 18 and 15 and interesting people. 😂

SarahAndQuack · 17/10/2023 20:24

I don't have regular family support with childcare, and I might mention that on a thread, because sometimes it is relevant. My situation is very different from that of my DD's best friend, whose granny is there twice a week to do school pick up, or from my next-door neighbour, who has her grandchildren every day before school and several after-school pick ups.

That doesn't mean I think family support is an entitlement or an expectation. I'm just being clear about our situation.

FWIW, when I was 22 and had just finished university, my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. My mum and I shared the task of looking after her, and it was both very hard work and actually, a huge privilege. Both of my brothers - and my uncle - somehow found it was all far too hard, goodness, somehow I don't have any free time, oh gosh, I can't possibly do this. It really hit home to me how gendered expectations about care are. Of course I didn't suddenly have extra hours in the day to care for my granny. But I did it because it needed doing.

I don't think family support can work in terms of only giving it to someone who's already paid it out. For lots of families, you'll need support before you're in a position to give it, or you'll give it knowing the person you are supporting won't be able to support you. But it'd be a very uncaring world if people always thought in terms of tit for tat.

Vivi0 · 17/10/2023 20:28

I don't know how people are expected to find hours of free time suddenly just because someone they are related to has a baby.

In my experience, grandparents actually want to spend time with their grandchildren. And they most certainly don’t view them as their relative’s child!

I must be lucky in that my parents love my children just as much (if not more!) than they love me and they actively want to spend time with them. I really didn’t think it was that unusual and I don’t see that as family support in any way.