What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

All four siblings get on very well and there’s no resentment. Yet

Equal split to keep it that way. D can then decide.

Yeah but what you do need to read is the massive drip feed where she's already bought B a house worth £100k (back then, probably worth 3 times that now) and had spent even more towards C's £500k house.

B and C have had hundreds of thousands advanced to them. A and D have had nothing.

That's actually horrendous. You add the value of what you've already spent on B and C to the £300k, to get a "total to split between the kids" pot. Then you split that by 4. A and D get their full quarter. B and C get the remainder of their quarters after deducting the large advances they've already had.

That's what's fair.

Yup - if there’s money already going to grandkids then equal between the kids for sure. Don’t try to re-address any pat unbalances now. But how have you worked out the child / grandchild split 🤪

Split evenly between all 4. It sounds like children A-C are doing fine compared to quite a few people with mortgages paid off etc

So 2 children have already received money . 2 have not .
Split this money so that each child has had the same amount overall.
I hate this measuring of how much they deserve it - with the one who worked hard and got a good job being deemed the least deserving !

D thinks C is the favourite

There you go. D sees the extra help given to C as a form of love. Leaving them out of this windfall will only exacerbate that feeling.

I'd split equally but would speak to D about if they think they want / need it and if not suggest they could give to siblings in need?

All DC are lucky to have had the help they've had so far by the sounds of it.

75k for us would be game changing.

I’d split equally

Reading again, I agree with this. Then, again, D can decide what to do from there.

Split equally between them all. It’s the only fair way.

As an aside, all four children have done very well to be so neat to mortgage free, or actually mortgage free, at their ages.

It should be split equally because children need to be treated equally. If child D disagrees he can give up his share for siblings buy it has to be his idea and his choice

Yes, I agree.

All these posters who would tot up how much their parents spend on their siblings?! My parents have always helped us when we've needed it. Both my siblings have had financial help at times. I never have because I've not needed it. I don't think that's unfair, and I'm not demanding i get my "share" at any point. It's not like buying us all a bike for Christmas!

Both parents should speak to child D and ask him would he mind if they give children A B & C his share , then it his decision.

You need to reread what I actually said.

B was bought a cheap house over 25 years ago for an amount that would be less than £100k in today’s money. It’s a small house in a cheap area.

I definitely agree with Parent 1 that treating people fairly does not mean treating people equally BUT this is the approach already taken by the parents: the siblings have been receiving different amounts of financial help throughout according to their needs. So in this instance I would actually side with Parent 2: this is not a situation where a specific need has arisen for one child that you need or want to cover, but a voluntary distribution of assets. The alternative would be to only spend £50k per child (x4) and hold the rest back to give to A, B or C as and when needs arise.
By the way: my parents favoured one of my siblings in their wills, as he was in greater need. We had discussed this many years prior and I was very happy with the decision. An uneven split may be possible but it would need to be handled in the right way.

Or this. I do also see the force in making it equal overall.

But definitely don’t just leave out D. That’s awful -‘just because they’ve done well!

As a parent I could only ever split equally, if D chooses not to accept that’s their decision.
£75k will still help out the others a great deal

Split it between children and grandchildren?

Allocate £75k equally to all children and provide an additional £25k to Child C due to their unique financial and caregiving responsibilities.

Parent 2 is right. Money should be shared equally without any extra talking with D or anyone else.
And by the way at some point I was this D then my child with disability was born and that’s where everything ended.
I remember at some point about 17 years ago my Mum has got plans similar to your parent 1. I don’t think she understands how deeply this conversation’s damaged our relationship.

Patent 2. Unless you treat them equally it could break or damage the relationship.

Agree that treating fairly and equally aren’t the same - but parents 1 & 2 have already given large help to B & C. While C has had more money, B has had the biggest impact help. A&D could be in even better positions if they had been gifted houses when young.

so split 4 ways now - don’t factor in the help B & C have had, but do accept they have already had an unequal (in their favour) share of parental financial support.

I don't think it's obvious that parent 2 is correct.

Equality and Equity are not the same.

I'm with parent 2 .. it should be equal