What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

Having read the update, the money should be given to each sibling equally then the OP can share their £75k amongst the other 3 siblings.

Parent 2 is right, should go equally to all children. The ones who have done better in life shouldn't be penalised for being successful. Just like the ones who haven't shouldn't get a handout for no reason.

I've just recently had a similar conversation with my husband. His parents have been talking about inheritance too, well before they go so tax isn't involved. Anyway, my husband is 12 and 13 years younger than his 2 older sisters. The middle sister is financially ok as she and her husband spent many years working in Dubai but between me and my husband, we probably make more than 10 times what his oldest sister and her partner make. She is also a single mother of 2 while we have no kids and no desire to have them, not that I think that should factor in BC it shouldn't. The nice part of me feels that the oldest sister should get more as she needs it more, but I'm the only person who thinks that, the inheritance will be split equally. I think most people here are probably saying the same thing, equal Vs equitable. If you don't want any resentment it probably needs to be equal, otherwise one is being rewarded for making poor decisions and one is being penalised for being successful and choosing not to have kids.

I think my dad did the wrong thing, but possibly for the right reason. His intentions were very good but he shouldn’t have moved the discussion to include me before he cleared everything with Mum.

I think he was hoping that me going to her to say I was happy to not have the money would wrap it up nicely in a bow and she’d be happy.

I really don’t like the idea of taking the £75k and giving it to my siblings as a gift from me. Apart from the fact that it’s hassle for me, it’s not money that I should be taking the credit for. I want them to receive money from our parents. Me getting involved will make at least one of the siblings feel like it’s a charitable thing when it’s not and the money should be going to them anyway, but from the source of the money; my parents.

For those saying to take it and put it into trust for my sister’s disabled child, it’s not as easy as that. I think a decision like that is up to the child’s parents. Also, I have several nieces and nephews across a varied age range and they all have needs (by which I mean some are at the stage now where they’re scrimping for house deposit, going to uni etc). I’m very generous to them but me overstepping and creating trusts outside of an inheritance situation wouldn’t be well received.

The joy of growing up with four sisters! My husband has just one brother and it all seems so much more straightforward.

Why don't you set up premium bond accounts for each of your nibblings or divide it equally between them if you don't want it? They can use it as they please. It doesn't need to be the exact £75k divided. Do something nice for yourself with it as well to satisfy your parents buy a car or have a holiday.

I posted waaaaay upthread to say that neither parent was doing the right thing, that the right thing was for the parents to have a conversation with all their children, all mature adults, and explain what they hope to achieve and what their reasoning is.

My parents did this with us. We do not have an equal split. We have a very fair split.

The starting premise of any such conversation (or will, if there’s no conversation) is to ensure that each child (and subsequently, grandchild) understands completely and wholly that there is no correlation between bequests and love. This is the root cause of so much distress on these inheritance threads. Yes OP’s dad should have come to agreement with his wife first. But, OP, all you have to do is reassure your mum that you KNOW that they both love you just as much as they love the others. That this is “only” money and that that same love is being extended by you to your siblings and nephew, that you want absolutely to ensure that their needs and physical comfort is assured just as yours already is.

In our family, each sibling has different numbers of DC, from zero to many! All the siblings were well educated, all earn very well, all have married well (ie sensibly, not to rich people!). No child needs the money. Nor will any grandchild. But it will certainly help with university costs and housing costs for the DGC. And so it makes sense that the inheritance is effectively “for” the DGC via their parents. The split is very far from equal, but our parents and we discussed this, agreed this, it was all settled many years ago and everyone is happy. We’ve all subsequently made our own wills accordingly. In fact, the whole process brought us adult siblings closer as we know we’ve “done” something for each other. We’re bound together in an extra, meaningful way, not just adults with a shared childhood and shared memories.

All isn’t lost, OP. Be gentle with your mum and help her get over the hump of money = love. It’s within your gift to achieve this.

I actually thought you might be A rather than D.

I fully agree with everything you said. Your father appears well intended but clearly should have got agreement with your mum rather than you. I you see a very similar situation in my household - my dad would agree with yours and my mum would also mirror your mum's thoughts.

I would speak to your mum. Tell her that you really respect her position and that it means so much to you that she would want you to have your fair share and that you'll always be grateful that that's how she views things. I would go on to tell her that given your fortune position, you agree that your siblings need it more and while you would like that too happen, it means that about world to you that she would fight your corner but that hive the funds to you and you transferring it to them would sure tax issues you are anxious to avoid for everyone etc.

You shouldn't have been put in this position and are a very decent sibling to want to share.

for those still arguing

I think the 'right' thing for him to do was to split equally but I think it's really poor taste that you are now kicking up a fuss. You are eye-wateringly wealthy from your description of multiple mortgage free homes. Richer than probably any of us on this thread.

I think it is interesting that you think that, while posting a cartoon that suggests the opposite.

Everybody can see the game, but only if the crates are distributed unequally.

I also do not think the OP is in poor taste or "now kicking up a fuss." Everybody wants their family to get along, whether financially rich or poor, and they presumably posted this thread looking for ideas to help move things in that direction.

OP, as you say yourself, your dad did the wrong thing by approaching you with this (albeit for the right reasons), it wasn't a choice or decision for you to make.
Your mum is understandably upset.
If you go with what your dad wants, your mum is still going to be upset. If you go with what your mum wants, neither of them will be upset. Surely that's the most diplomatic option?
You can give your share out to your siblings without telling your mum.
If you don't think they will accept it from you, and you genuinely don't want it, there are a million charities who could really benefit from even a fraction of your spare £75K. You can even get your dad to choose some charities if it helps balance things with him.
This is not a burden you need to stress about any further. You taking the money will make your mum happy, you passing it in will make others happy. Your siblings are still getting £75K, they are not struggling by any means. Most people can only dream of this amount of money.

Parent 2 is right. I think it is not the amount but the thought and leaving one out, what ever their financial situation is, is unkind. It almost like well you’ve not had children and decided to work on your career so we’re going to penalise you for this decision.

Split it equally between the four children

Before i read this update I was going to say parents should speak with D and see what she wishes. I can’t see why your mum is so upset if you’ve agreed that you don’t want the money. I’d be proud of my child making such a kind decision.

If you do end up with the money, maybe you could invest it, as you’ve clearly done well with your own money, and pass it on later. Or a small holiday home somewhere cheap all could use..

I would say two option: 1) give ALL children EQUAL shares NOW. 2) Keep the money and give it to children as they need it. Finally leaving them equal shares of whatever is left in your will if it isn't used up when you pop you clogs! It IS fair to give a child that needs more, more, but it isn't really fair to predict who might need more a way into the future, based on the situation now. There are lots of things which might happen which would change how much they needed the money.

Parent 2

I don't think the OP should give her share to charity. That's her parents' money. It's one thing giving away your own money that you've worked for, but you shouldn't give away someone else's money unless it within your family (in this sort of situation, I mean).

@JonahAndTheMinnow is there a way of appeasing both parents by accepting a smaller amount of your share, maybe even for a specific thing like a holiday, and then assuring them that you’re happy for the rest to be distributed among your siblings? That way you get some benefit and aren’t totally excluded but your siblings still get a larger share than you?

This is a great idea

I haven't read all the replies but how about telling the parents not to share it (or all of it) at all but to enjoy it themselves? Maybe they could take each child on a once in a lifetime trip of their choosing and make some memories together if they do want to treat them somehow.

I think you have misinterpreted my message Ilovelifeverymuch the money IF NEEDED could be accessed whenever but we are to understand it is NOT NEEDED right now as the parents have supplied all money needed currently. In fact my understanding is that no-one in this family has a current need for money. We are discussing a single pot of money the mum wants to divide equally amongst her children and the father does not. Of course charity donations and family help should be made/given when needed. This is a very separate discussion.

Equal share. I wouldn’t even discuss it with child d to ask if she would mind not having any.

Surely this is the choice and dec ision of the person whose money it is can't see that the different circumstances of the recipients has any bearing on this whatsoever.

I agree with parent 2.

Would receiving £100k rather than £75k really make that much of a difference to any of the children A, B or C in the long run?

I’d split it equally.