What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

Agree with parent 2. If you want to somehow contribute to the care costs of the child with disabilities then I think you should do that in another, separate way

Should be equal

Gosh parent 2 is right.

I have 2 siblings who are significantly better off than me and in very strong financial situations for the rest of their lives, hopefully.

I am not in the same situation at all.

But I would always always want us to be treated equally, finances, time, love, whatever it is.

Treat them equally. Once you start getting into so and so is more deserving you create bitterness and arguments. Plus can you be 100% sure you know everyone's situation or their future? What if one is made redundant? Or one feels their situation is easier because they prepared for their future. Keep it simple.

I think they should speak to Child D tbh. I agree with 2 it should be split between them all unless child D agrees and wants to offer more to their siblings. If I was in that position I would give it all to my sibling

Parent two is right obviously. They'll still all get a very large sum if it is split 4 ways.

Parent 2

If I were child D I would want my parents to share it between my siblings. I wouldn’t want my siblings to be struggling whilst I’m already set up for life.

Everyone equal is the only fair way. If the wealthy child wants to give their portion to the others then it's up to them.

My mother has 4 children by 2 different men. One of them died, leaving nothing for his two dc (of which I am one). The other is extremely wealthy, has bought properties for his two dc outright and has endowed multi-million trust funds for them.

I advised her to divide her (very small) assets equally between the four in her will. The relatively small extra money that will go to the two who have less is not enough to compensate for the hurt that the two who have more will feel if they feel that she favoured the others over them. Nothing could ever be, tbh.

When D decides to cut contact with their toxic family, I think they’d be doing the right thing.

Anything other than splitting it evenly is shit parenting and favouritism.

Well, if the real Child D feels similarly they can always pass it on themselves?
They should be the one to make that decision, though.

Definitely split equally. It sounds very much like B and C have been adequately financially supported to date and if I was either of them, I don’t even think I’d be expecting anything. You mention needing a more expensive car due to disability of C’s child? I just want to highlight that you/they are aware of the motability scheme?

Just imagine being a person who
might complain that they only got £75k as a gift and that their sibling shouldn’t have got anything (so they could have more).

Genuinely awful.

what a horrible way to put it.

No, they don't deserve any less than their siblings because they made different life choices, worked harder, maybe didn't want, maybe could not have children.
No, it's not up to them to start distributing their parents money either, or deciding when or to whom that money should go.

I say this as someone with no kids.
as as someone with kids, I am saying it's disgusting to pick up your favourite from your kids and give more to one than the other.

It's already shocking that parents would pay for one to have a house but not the other! The most well off child might spiral down in the future, no one is safe from accident or illness. The worst off child might financially boom in the future. The well off child might be close to a burn out or a nervous break down because of their stressful but well paid job.

It's horrible for a parent to judge their lives and decide one is more deserving than the other.

Parent 2, equal split unless you want to put a divide in the family/split up the siblings in the future who might need each other for the sake of the difference of 75-100k for the 3 siblings.

Share it equally. Any amount of money you haven’t personally worked for is a major bonus so it’s still 75k they didn’t have before. It’s rarely ever right to show favouritism to your children or leave someone out. Plus, you never know what will happen in the future, there could be a time when the richest child becomes the poorest (a very rich childhood friend’s parent committed fraud and the family lost everything when debt collectors came)

Equal split.

I wouldn't take into account the money given so far - so I wouldn't deduct for the gifts given to B and C. Those gifts were given on the basis of need, and it's ok for parents to help their children when they need it, even if the same help isn't provided to other children as not needed. In B and C's cases - young mother without any resources/disabled child with significant needs - that help was very much needed to ensure a decent life for the adults/ children involved and should not be begrudged.

But now it sounds as if everyone is doing OK- not great, not necessarily affluent, but getting by. So I think you should split the money equally between them.

Parent B is correct given the circumstances. This should be split equally unless you want to cause a potential family feud and years of resentment.

Parent 2 is right.

I'm slightly more like child D.

I'd be devastated if my parents chose to exclude me.

I'd also choose, of my own will, to pass my share to the others as I don't need it. It feels very different to make that choice graciously than to feel no ever thinks you need anything.

Equal split, because this is a gift being given because the parents can, not because anyone has asked/is in desperate need.

I think it is very different where one child needs something they can't afford, and help is given to them but the equivalent financial sum not given to other siblings who do not have the same need. The 'equality doesn't mean everyone gets exactly the same' argument works there very well.

Here, it doesn't appear to be the case, money is being given purely because the parents have it, and want to, so it should be an equal split.

Split evenly four ways unless it's a close family situation where you can sound out D whom is in agreement they need it less and are happy for the help for A,B and C although B already had a house paid by you as the parents? That might make the dynamic different, too, maybe if B already had their house paid off and the others didn't? Generally, I tend to think over kids the best way is to split it fairly regardless of life circumstances as things change and talk it through with everyone.

Smiling at the two responses asking why parent 1 doesn’t like child D 😀

As far as B and C are concerned, D is the favourite.

D thinks C is the favourite.

Both A and B see themselves as the black sheep.

1 and 2 insist that there’s no favourites, and love all of their children equally. 2 will concede that 1 has an extra soft spot for D, but 1 grew up in abject poverty and has always tried to level the playing field where possible.

All four siblings get on very well and there’s no resentment. Yet.

The asset being sold also means that’s there’s money going to grandchildren so they’re not factored into this particular decision.

Despite your update, an equal split is the only way.

My children chose very different pathways.

How on Earth could we favour one child more than the other?

If you want to split money according to how their standing is then appalling rivalry will occur.
The children will the 'rank' themselves. You don't want that.

Just let them be.

If you want to give it to your DC the only fair way is an equal four way split.
If you begrudge giving D money then split it equally between your grandchildren.

Still should be an equal split. I can't believe anyone would think otherwise tbh. After all, D can even things out if they feel it's unfair