What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

I would split it equally. Honestly, in situations like this, it saves a lot of argument.

Talk to D. If I were them I would understand. I think…

You’ve already fucked it by excluding A (and D, but at least D is a high earner so I almost understand). The reasonable solution would be to give A/D money until they had the same as their siblings and then share whatever was left evenly.

But that wont happen because A is utterly average and D is successful and they are being penalised for it. Clearly they didn’t meet the mark before to get a handout, I don’t see why that would change now…

Very sad for them both.

that

It's awful to even put D on the spot, and force their hand to give away their share.

It's made even worst as D has no children - what kind of parent would punish them for that?

I'd distribute equally in most cases, but in this rather extreme one, I'd make some adjustments according to need, also making at least some allowance for anything that had already been given, because any even halfway decent son or daughter would want that to be done anyway, and any selfish one who doesn't want to share more fairly doesn't deserve anything. I would also take any other significant factors into account- a needy child who had been profligate would get less than one who hadn't, for example. However, I suspect in most families, though, like mine up until recently, people are in similar circumstances and behave decently, so the shares would come out equal- the cases described do seem rather unusually disparate.

I thought things might change in the future, I would hang on to the lot, and only distribute any money as and when a special need arose. But if I did that, I would be updating my will regularly to take account of changing needs an changing relationships, as, indeed, I will be doing shortly in my own case. Nobody has a 'right' to any share regardless of circumstances, and certainly not an equal share.

Parent 2 / equal split. £75K is still a life changing amount and doing an unequal split could ruin relationships.

Really didn't need to hear each child's circumstances did we..
I think as a parent I'd go with option 2- split evenly. However as a child, it would depend on my relationship with the other siblings and which one I was, but I think I'd want my share given to the siblings.

@JonahAndTheMinnow Child A is the one who seems to have lost out over the years, to be honest, having read your further posts. So maybe some of that £300k should go to them to balance up what the others have had? That wouldn't cause a sibling fall out if that is what is done to make things more even?

But failing that, it needs to be fair and split between them all

Give it all to your favourite child. What could possibly go wrong?

Parent 2 is right. I'm sure all the DCs will be thrilled with that amount of money anyway

Equal always!

beautifully summed up 😂

Parent 2 is right.

What kind of wealthy person with no dependents would even want to insist on an equal share in the circumstances described? Anyone that greedy deserves nothing. I'd have thought they would have had the decency to spare their parents and would have anticipated the problem and said, look, we really don't need anything from this- it might be nice to have something as a token, but give the bulk of it to the others as it could make a big difference to them and it really wouldn't make much difference to us'. And I say this as someone with no kids. If they were in the same circs as the others with no kids, I'd say equal shares, as they might need more money in their old age for care. But they're not, they are a great deal better off.

Share it equally. Each kid will still be getting a good amount.

Child D is 35, right? Then they may have children in the future, which will certainly affect their finances

I’m intrigued as to why parent 1 doesn’t like child D!

So OP who are you in this situation?

I think substantial financial gifts should be taken into account then split from that point. I would like to think if I were child D I’d say “very good of you but I’m a millionaire already so split it between my siblings” but when it comes to your children it is important that it is fair. Giving one child less or more often feels like its less or more love.

It would be life changing fro some, and little more than pocket money for the fourth. So splitting it 'evenly' isn't fair.

If I were D I really wouldn't expect or want a share of the money. Is it likely to cause offence if you don't include them?

Yes, I would do this.

It is up to child D.

So A and D are already being treated less favourably as they haven’t had the huge financial handouts given to B and C

This. I imagine there's already quite some stored up resentment from at least some of your dc from past unfair gifts.

The fairest thing to do now would probably be to split the money between A and D who it sounds like have received nothing so far.

Years ago I watched a series of tv programmes about Wills and inheritance.
Each one featured a different (real) dilemma with families looking for guidance to explore what would be fair to beneficiaries.
The overwhelming message I took from the series was that whatever their circumstances all children saw whatever they were bequeathed as a measure of their worth to their parents no matter what their personal circumstances.
I agree with parent 2

But as previous poster has said, if I were D I would ask for my share to be split amongst the others. I sort of have been in Ds position to an extent - DH inherited and generally we were and are wealthier than my siblings. I’ve always suggested that my parents divert money more to siblings than me. Though they won’t because they are keen for even split, and my siblings wouldn’t take money from me if I offered. And I wouldn’t because it would embarrass them. They aren’t in dire straits by any stretch though and they know I would always help them out of a corner if they wanted.

Equal split for fairness' sake. Didn't need to read the descriptions. People's life circumstances can change suddenly and drastically and shouldn't be taken into account when parents donate or will assets. This is as much about showing how much you love and value your children equally as it is about money and the one left out will be devastated.