What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

I think 2 - split 75k each or don’t bother splitting it at all and just help when necessary.

Equal split. If you’ve already given money to kids that can be taken into account. Don’t cut a kid just cause they are a high earner.

Fantastic way of putting it!

Give to all 4 equally.

I know! "We've only got minimum wage jobs, so deserve more.... no,no don't mention the free house and never having to pay rent or anything, that doesn't count!!" 😆

Given that B and C have already had extra when they needed it, and you want to be fair and seen to be fair this time, then I think giving them all the same in this instance is fair.
I would also suggest having an open dialogue around money/fairness as a family might be healthy. Have you been transparent previously? Do the others know who has had what previously? Etc. How do they feel about this? Is there any resentment regarding any if this already?
There are lots of factors we don't know about that you do.

But there's no suggestion of any such circumstances here. There is a disabled grandchild who has been generously helped and housed by the grandparents, and very few posters have suggested that that be taken into account - the consensus is that that is fair and right.

But that's exactly the point. You chose your career, your sibling chose theirs. Active choices doubtless made in the knowledge they would result in a lower or higher salary.

Surely you don't think your parents should give you more money because you chose the lower paying career? Similarly why should D receive less because of their choices?

@ColleenDonaghy Surely you don't think your parents should give you more money because you chose the lower paying career? Similarly why should D receive less because of their choices?

No, of course I don’t. What I object to is the judgement used by some posters in this thread that a high-earning job is a better life choice and the repeated implication that a high earner must have worked incredibly hard their entire life whereas a lower earner must have sat on their arse.

My brother does work longer hours than me, admittedly (I wouldn’t say he worked harder), but that’s largely because I do more childcare than he does. That isn’t a better life choice either.

Parent 2 otherwise the children will fall out. Will they be dealing with their Will the same way? Share equally.

I’m going to don my hard hat now.

I’m child D.

A is about to turn 49, B and C are twins and 47. I’m 35 and there’s obviously a big gap between me and them in terms of age.

Parent 1 is my father. As I mentioned, he grew up in poverty but was very academic and managed to get a great education and profession. Mum grew up much more comfortably off and has a more blasé attitude towards money whereas Dad is quite money-orientated and there’s probably an element of anxiety for him around ensuring everyone has enough. They’re both incredibly generous and just the loveliest parents.

My dad loves me very much, I have no doubt about that. I know several people have said he obviously hates me but that’s not true- I know he’s proud of me and we’re close. Of his four children, I’m probably the one he’s closest to.

The post about favourites was kind of tongue-in-cheek. I think it’s normal that siblings feel another is preferred, for whatever reason. In my case, my father was able to be much more present in my life as he he wasn’t traveling as much for work as he was for the older children. I think he was probably more laid back by the time I came along too as they were under less financial stress than when they had three children under two.

The reason I started this thread is that my father has taken me aside, explained that he wants to split the money and has asked me how I feel about just the other three being included. I’ve said I’m fine with it, but now my mum is very upset. Dad hadn’t told her he was going to speak to me, and she’s very angry. She thinks I’ve been put on the spot and is now saying that she doesn’t want money going to anyone unless it’s all equal. I’ve spoken to her but she’s not happy and is incredibly upset at my father a) putting me on the spot, and b) not telling her.

From my perspective, as nice as £75k extra in the bank would be for anyone, it’s not money I need. I would genuinely prefer to see my siblings have it. I think my parents did a lot for their children when needed over the years and, if my financial situation was different, they would help me if needed too.

My siblings don’t know that this money is earmarked for them/us. My mum is an incredible woman but she’s horrifically stubborn and I think she should deal with my dad separately to the money issue- my siblings could do with it and I’d like to see them have it asap.

I think there may also be an element of Mum thinking that Dad sees this as his money- the money came from the sale of his late brother’s house. I’m very annoyed that my father has put me in this position. It should have been a joint decision between him and Mum.

I’ve told both my parents that I don’t want or need the money and don’t want to get involved so it’s up to them to figure it out now.

I know taking the money and then gifting it to my siblings is an option but it will mean going against Mum’s wishes again, plus I think my siblings will be very hesitant in “taking” money from me.

Thanks everyone for your input- lots of food for thought.

You could ask that your share is divided between the other three.

All children are equal with deductions for any large gifts already received.

@JonahAndTheMinnow, I think both your siblings and your parents are really lucky to have you.

I think you sound lovely! Your siblings are very lucky.
I would accept the share and then if your siblings need help later on they will effectively get another small windfall at a later date.

Speak to D about your plans ask what they would like to do they may say give it to the others are they're doing so well make sure they know it will stay completely between you that you had this discussion .
I think what you're doing is admirable byw and your children are lucky to have such caring parents

Ah that's shit OP, I agree your dad put you in an awful position. I hope you all find a way through.

JonahAndTheMinnow

I 100% agree with your mum, I would be fuming if my DH did that.

You should show her the thread, more than a few people agree with her.

But it's done now. You are genuinely not upset, you are choosing to give to your siblings, that could ease her worries.

Your other option is keep the money for now, and share with siblings later, and be extra generous.

I would probably count as the poor but hardworking sibling in this scenario, only in my case it's all 3 other siblings who are better off. I would not expect my parents to share any gift anything other than equally, in spite of that. I made my own choices in life and don't regret them.

Split in to 4 equal shares otherwise you risk breaking your family. It’ll change the dynamic.

Struggling to see the point of this thread as you’re child D.

You are a high earner married to a very high earner.

You will be mortgage free on a large house by the time you’re 40.

You own several investment properties and an holiday home outright.

Your unmortgaged assets are valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

You say you don’t need this 75k, but I don’t understand why you would even say it would be nice to have it?!

If you don’t want the money, then the whole issue is irrelevant, tell your parents to sort it between them.

The whole thread is one big stealth brag.

Split equally! That’s the morally right thing to do. Why penalise child D just because their life circumstances are different? It could create tension within the family and lead child D to resent parents and even siblings.

That's really harsh @Ktime , I don't think it comes across as a stealth brag at all, I think OP is genuinely trying to puzzle through her feelings about this.

Get the 75 thousand and make a trust for your disable nephew.

Split equally